Becoming Bella Swan
by BellaFlan
Summary: INDIE TWIFIC AWARD WINNER! Bella Swan is being hospitalized for an Identity Disorder...Or is Bella Flanagan being hospitalized? Set after Edward leaves in New Moon or I'm writing this from an asylum. WARNING MA only. VERY DARK COMEDY.
1. Wake up and Smell the Crazy

**Author's note: Twilight is the property of Stephenie Meyer. This is only fanfiction.**

**Rated M for Graphic language, crude but witty humour, SEX (aka Lemons), masturbation and Canadian spelling.**

Indie Twific Winner / GiggleSnort awards for Best Bella / Golden Leomon Nominee

**NEW AN-PLEASE READ: FFN HAS REMOVED ALL OF MY DASHES AND SCENE BREAKS. I'M IN THE PROCESS OF FIXING THIS. I APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE-FLANNY, MAY 30TH, 2012**

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**Chapter One - Wake up and smell the crazy  
**

_What's the last thing you remember?_

"The woods. I can hear howling."

-({})-

Thorazine is a wonderful and terrible drug. An anti-psychotic with a decidedly delicious tranquilizing undertow. Apparently, I was screaming...I would have stopped on my own accord if someone had bothered to tell me the source of the howling was me in the first place. But the _White Coats_ shot me up with the good stuff before I could properly assess the situation. Ever try to explain yourself on Thorazine? Not fucking possible.

The blond doctor checked my vitals and asked, "Do you remember your name?"

I opened my mouth to speak but felt like my tongue was coated in cotton.

"Isabella Flanagan."

The doctor frowned and continued, "Why are you here, Bella?"

"The last doctor said I have_ Dissociative Disorder_, although I've recently been upgraded to _Dissociative Identity Disorder_."

"Do you believe that's true?"

"Look, I know I'm sick but I can't be expected to properly articulate myself on this drug."

The doctor sighed. "I'm going to ask you some straightforward questions," he explained, shining a penlight into my pupil. "How old are you?"

"Thirty-three."

"Where are we?"

"Southlake Hospital, Critical Care."

"What State are we in?"

"Both of us? I'm in a pretty frazzled state but you seem to be keeping it together."

"Bella, that's not what I meant...what city are we in?"

"Toronto."

"Country?"

"Canada."

The doctor - Cullen, according to his name tag - marked up some notes on my chart and picked up the phone on the wall.

Cold panic tried to reach my brain but the stupid happy drugs kept it swimming blissfully in serotonin. My body was manufacturing emotions out of third-party chemicals.

My memory was like a mosaic: order smashed into smithereens and laid into a picture of chaos. I couldn't quite remember what day it was, or really what month for that matter. I was pretty sure it had been weeks since my husband brought the kids to see me. My heart was breaking, especially for Ethan, my youngest. He was always such a sensitive little bugger. I know it killed him to be separated from his mummy for so long.

"Dr. Cullen?"

"Yes Bella?"

"You still haven't answered my question...how long since my kids have have been here?"

Dr. Cullen sighed.

"I'm afraid I can't answer that question for you. You aren't making much progress here, are you?...I plan to speak to your doctor about your medications."

Speak to my doctor? Who the fuck was he, then?

"I'm...confused."

"Yes, Bella, I know."

-({})-

_Fog and frost. So weird_, I thought, wiping condensation off the window in my room. I could have sworn it was summer. I also couldn't find my stuff. I would have to speak to a nurse about that...I really fucking needed a smoke.

I left the confines of my tiny room wearing only my institutionally issued nightgown. The lavender pattern reminded me of the day Ethan was born...right here in this same hospital. Certainly happier times.

Jessica whateverherlastnameis was sitting in the common area watching MTV. Fuck, I'd give my left ovary for HBO. I hated reality television. Jessica was definitely representative of the lowest common denominator demographic who ate this shit up for breakfast.

"Hey Jessica."

"Hey Bella."

"Gotta smoke?"

"Yeah...I'll come with you."

The two of us lumbered like lavender clad, Ativan snorting zombies to the nurse's station.

"Smoke," I explained and Nurse Ratchet hit the buzzer.

"Five minutes," she warned me.

Jessica whateverherlastnameis passed me a Camel.

"Jeez, why are you smoking Americans? Dontcha have DuMauriers?"

Jessica gave me a strange look. "What country do you think you're from exactly...and what's a demorry?"

"You know, DuMaurier...red package...tastes like the fucking thing your mouth's been missing all day?"

"Stop talking crazy and smoke the camel. People think we're nuts as it is."

"Hello! Wake up and smell the fucking crazy. Where do you think you are, rehab?"

"Jeebus, Bell. I'm going to bed. Take the smoke and my lighter...but give it back."

I made my way to the side entrance of the hospital and sat on the curb, a good twenty feet away from the door. Fucking Christ it was cold! Where was my coat anyway...and when did I get so skinny? I looked down at my body in shock and awe. I don't think I'd been this thin since I was seventeen.

I lit my cigarette and took a shallow drag but started choking before the smoke could hit my lungs. Shit, it was like I had never done this before! I continued to hack pitifully, however my coughs quickly transformed into screams. A boy in a gray coat had materialized beside me.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."

"Who...where...how?"

"I was hiding behind the tree near the Emergency entrance." He smirked, but his eyes were haunted. His face was a study in contrasts: pale but darkened by the shadows his dramatic bone structure cast. So fucking beautiful. "Carlisle warned me not to come...that you weren't ready to see me."

"I'm hallucinating? This is new."

"No Bella, how many times can I apologize for leaving before you believe me? I've never stopped loving you. The moment Alice saw that Charlie had to have you hospitalized I returned. You're not hallucinating or dreaming. I'm here and I swear, I'll never leave you again."

I started shaking...I recognized this hallucination, how could I not have? He was a perfect manifestation of the vampire my mind created when I read the Twilight saga.

"Well, fuck."

**A/N - Reviews are tasty like DuMauriers**


	2. Pink Elephant

**Author's note: _Pink Elephant_ is a euphemism for a drunken hallucination.  
**

"Edward," I said incredulously.

"Oh! Carlisle didn't think you recognized us."

"Dr. Cullen is...Carlisle? Is he even real?" The pin prick in my arm certainly was. But was that administered by Dr. Cullen or a random _White Coat_?

"Bella," Edward said solemnly, bowing his head. He cradled his face in his hands as if he were going to sob. What was the protocol here? Does one comfort a hallucination? It seemed rude not to.

"Don't beat yourself up there, Edward. You only left because you thought that Bella would be better off...what book are we in, anyway? Is this _New Moon_? If it is, you're not supposed to come back yet. We still need to establish a love triangle with Jacob Black...he's going to be a werewolf you know."

Edward looked at me with pity. "If I live another hundred years, I'll never atone for this."

"I'm tired, Edward. And apparently, I can no longer smoke, so I'm also nic fitting. The thing is, if Bella were me, I would have stopped you from leaving. I would have called you out on it. Please don't shoulder all of the blame."

An idea suddenly occurred to me. I approached my lovely apparition cautiously and reached out to touch his face. My fingers made contact with his skin and my jaw dropped in wonderment. I stroked his cool flesh with greedy fingers. The skin was smooth and rough at the same time, like polished stone. I added pressure and found that despite the unbreakable quality there was still a softness there. I moved my hands down his neck and cupped his shoulders into my palms.

Since he offered no argument, I became more brazen. I lowered my head to his neck and tasted him, trailing kisses from his throat to his collarbone. His flesh heated up under my tongue.

I was rewarded with a shudder and a moan.

"Bella, this is torture for me."

"Oh, I love my brooding vampire hallucination! This is fun."

"I shouldn't have come, this was a mistake."

"No worries, they're upping my Haloperidol tomorrow, so you probably won't appear again."

-({})-

Who the fuck invented group therapy? Seriously, who was the fucking genius who said, "Let's take ten crazy people and put them in a small room together to hash things out."

Here's what was seriously wrong with the premise: crazy begets crazier. I was referring to mob mentality hallucinations and panic attacks.

The morning after my first Edward hallucination, I was sitting in an Eames-wannabe-plastic-orange-chair, in a happy little semi-circle with my fucked up peers waiting for the day's session to start.

Turning to the woman on my left I asked, "Do you know about pink elephants?"

She shook her head so I continued, "It's a phenomenon among crazy fuckers like us; At the best of times, a healthy mind cannot differentiate a fantasy from a reality. Don't get me wrong, on a conscious level, a sane mind gets that what it imagines is not real, but still makes the body react to the fabricated stimuli. I submit this example for your consideration: Imagine four crazy fuckers like us sitting in a square. _Patient One_, let's call her Joan, says, 'Do you see that big fucking pink elephant in the corner of the room?' _Patient Two_ then replies, 'Well, now that you mention it, I mean, I didn't before however now that you've pointed her out she's fucking clear as day.'"

The asshole to my right swallowed nervously. "Well, _Patient Three_ starts screaming, having just recognized that the elephant is, in fact, her dead grandmother climbing up her leg. _Patient Four_, on the other hand, is pissed off at _Patient One_, Joan, for stealing his fucking elephant!"

Dr. Banner entered the room, having overheard my little rant and admonished, "That's enough, Isabella."

"The story may not be eloquent, Dr. Banner, but it is indeed apt."

Dr. Banner was the ring leader of this particular circus. "Who would like to go first today?" he asked the group, but he was looking quite pointedly at me. "Any accomplishments or setbacks?"

_What the hell_. I raised my hand.

"Yes, Bella?"

"I've had a setback, a rather nice one."

"Explain, please."

"Well, anyone here ever read Twilight?"

I was met with blank stares... "Great book, shitty movie?" ...more blank stares.

"Anyhoo, it seems that I've been transformed into the protagonist from the book."

"What do you mean, Bella?" Dr. Banner inquired patiently.

"I'm now an eighteen-year-old girl named Bella Swan who has fallen in love with a one hundred-year-old vampire."

"I see...Does this vampire have a name?"

"Edward Cullen."

Dr. Banner's eyes widened.

"So, you believe that Dr. Cullen's son is a vampire?"

"Guh?"

I looked around the room, from troubled face to troubled face. Was this real? Were these people real?

"Are you real?"

"Bella?"

"Dr. Cullen is not real. He's a character in the book, too. If you think that he's real, Dr. Banner, then there's a serious problem. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you are a hallucination."

The man on my right looked distraught. "You're a figment of my imagination," I explained gently and patted his hand.

I turned to the woman on my left. "Do you feel like you may disappear?" She started screaming.

The _White Coats_ entered the room.

"See what I mean? Pink fucking elephant."

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**Author's Note: If you review me there may be a Pink Elephant in it for you.**


	3. Here's to You, Mrs Flanagan

**Author's Note: Isabella Flanagan's hallucinations always were and always will be the property of Stephenie Meyer. Isabella Flanagan is the property of Bella Swan's hallucinations...therefore also the property of Stephenie Meyer.  
**

_We'd like to know a little bit about you for our files  
We'd like to help you learn to help yourself  
Look around you, all you see are sympathetic eyes  
Stroll around the grounds until you feel at home_

--Mrs. Robinson, Simon and Garfunkel

I'd been standing naked in front of the mirror for about forty minutes now. That in itself wouldn't have been a problem; however, I was parading around shamelessly in a communal bathroom, talking about how hot my nubile little body was.

"Holy shit, look at my tits!" I freaking chirped at Lola the lesbian. Lola wasn't really a lesbian, she was just afraid of men and I liked alliteration. I cupped my little tits in my hands and marveled at how gravity hadn't yet ravaged the perky things. My normal body was a natural Double-D cup, but age and children were a bitch on the old rack.

"Bella, will you put some clothes on, already? You're creeping me out," Jessica complained, teasing her flat hair with a pick and some Aqua Net.

"Hey Jess, 1985 called-she wants her hairspray back."

"Fuck you, psycho! You weren't even born in 1985."

I was about to argue, but that was true; Bella Swan would have been born in 1991. It was also unwise to argue with a woman holding a bottle of Aqua Net. That shit was toxic!

"Who are you tarting yourself up for, anyway? Wanna look good for the electro-shock technician?"

"I'm not undergoing electro-convulsive therapy anymore. It screwed up my sense of smell," Jessica explained indignantly, and I couldn't help but howl in laughter.

"Fucking singed your nose hairs, did it? You're a crazy bitch!"

"Oh, _I'm_ a crazy bitch? What about you, Mrs. Flanagan?"

"Shut up! I know who I am, it's not my fault that everyone else thinks I'm a fictional fucking character."

Now we were both laughing like the criminally insane, marching barefooted, breasted, and assed back to my room to raid Ms. Swan's pathetic closet.

"Jesus Christ, no wonder I'm being hospitalized. Look at all the fucking brown. This wardrobe is a cry for help!"

"I'm sorry Bella's clothes aren't to your liking, Mrs. Flanagan."

"Fuck, Jess. Stop calling me that! You're making me sound like that song from The Graduate. _And here's to you, Mrs. Flanagan Jesus loves you more than you will know, woah woah woah_." I was singing and grinding my hips in a sad little dance.

"I didn't know you could sing, Bell. You have a really pretty voice."

My jaw dropped and I stopped wiggling about.

"That's right..."

"Well, a little humility might be nice but-"

"No, Jess, don't you see? Bella Swan cannot sing. I, however, sing and play piano."

"Weird. You should mention it to Dr. Banner."

Yeah, maybe...but I wasn't going to.

"Is there a piano in the crazy house?" I spoke the thought aloud. Jessica shrugged, her eyes widening at something she saw outside my window.

"I thought we weren't allowed pets." Her eyes were glass, all reflection. I wasn't sure how to address the non-sequitur.

-({})-

I had a visitor! Well, Bella had a visitor. I was practically giddy when the _White Coat_ came to tell me; it was trite, I knew, but I felt like I was about to meet someone famous like Alice or Jacob or Rosalie or...Charlie. Charlie?

"Hey, Dad."

He wrapped his arms around me and my heart broke for him. The raw panic in his eyes...it made me think of when my daughter's appendix burst, how helpless I felt when I surrendered her life over to the doctors. I was supposed to protect her and I failed. If she had died, if anything had happened...there just were no words.

"I'm going to be fine, Charlie. Please don't worry about me."

"Ah, Bells, I should have sent you back to your mom in Florida after he left."

"Nah, you were perfect. Mom wouldn't have been emotionally equipped to have handled me. You did the right thing sending me for treatment."

I transformed into the role of Bella Swan, dutiful daughter, easily enough out of compassion, from one parent to another. I comforted Charlie Swan, telling him everything he needed to hear so that he could sleep at night.

"Has Dr. Cullen come to see you?"

"Yeah, I think he was here a day or two ago."

"Has...Edward been by?" Charlie cringed, saying his name like he thought it might break me.

"Carlisle told him not to come," I said, truthfully enough.

He seemed pleased by this but then his face fell again. "I'm sorry, Bells. You must be really lonely in here. Billy wanted to come see you but I wasn't sure if you were ready for visitors."

"Billy...Black?"

The little gerbil in my brain started running, turning the wheel.

"Dad, I'd love to have some visitors. Please tell Billy to bring Jacob...if he doesn't mind."

"Actually, Jacob insisted on coming. He's in the car, but I told him I would have to clear his visit with you. Poor kid. He's really anxious to see you."

"Sweet!"

**Author's Note: Please review me or I'll go fucking crazy!**

**Additional Note: Electro Convulsive Therapy can be an effective treatment for acute depression. Isabella Flanagan is one fucked-up bitch however she does not mean to offend.  
**


	4. Jacob's Dark Secret

**Author's note: As always, I own nothing but my own sick fantasies. No copyright infringement is intended. Also, please do not picture Taylor Lautner in this scene...for my own peace of mind. However, if you must, please at least picture him a year older. Have you checked out his birthdate on IMDB? I have...he's seventeen. Repeat, only seventeen. Sigh.**

Holy mother of God, I was fucking horny. Whatever pharmacological cocktail I took this morning was making me crave friction like a Mississippi Leg Hound. Poor Jacob Black; I was going to break him in two.

_But I'm Team Edward, _I reminded myself coyly. Jacob was nothing more than a literary device for me: the necessary obstacle blocking the way for the course of true love to run smoothly. Bella's reactions to him were always so fucking frustrating, though. As a reader immersed into the first person point-of-view, I had no choice but to experience_ New Moon_ through Bella's flawed perspective.

I never took the time to flesh out his character in my mind's eye. Oh shit, I was way off. In no way did I come close to doing him justice.

Through her grief, Bella described Jacob as sunlight, which was misleading to the reader, like he had a sunny disposition or some shit. That wasn't it at all though. His smile-holy fuck. It warmed my face by its pure, enthusiastic and innocent beauty. His easy demeanor and sincere affection for me-Bella-made me nearly forget that I was trapped in a hallucination and possibly catatonic by now. His expression...so fucking eager.

He was very tall, about 6'7", with shoulder-length black hair that fell into his eyes in an effortlessly sexy way. His muscles rippled through the thin material of his t-shirt as he took long strides toward me. Each step he took exposed the flesh of his abdomen because his shirt seemed too small, like the length had shrunk in the laundry. I wanted him to take slower and longer steps so that I could get a better look at the top of his happy trail.

He looked dangerous and innocent at the same time. Oooh, I felt like a kid on Christmas morning!

"I'm going to speak with your doctors, Bells. Why don't you take Jacob for a tour."

"Sure, Dad."

"Hey, Bells," Jacob said and pulled me into a bear hug.

"Hey, Jake."

I'm not sure why, but suddenly I doubted my ability to keep cool. My thoughts were making a slow descent down his exposed happy trail, looking forward to finding the gold at the end. Shit, I was getting wet just thinking about it. My pussy literally hurt in desperation to be touched. I started to attempt a finite equation in my head to keep my newly acquired teenage hormones in check. I would have to handle my shit...Jacob might find it out of character for Bella if she jumped him.

I probably would have reacted the same way to my Edward hallucination if it weren't for the benzodiazepines in my system that night.

"Watcha thinking about, Bells?" he said with that easy smile, pinching the pucker of worry that was forming on my forehead.

"Wanna see my room?" I blurted.

"S-sure," he stammered, swallowing thickly.

He was nervous and it was so fucking adorable. I put my tiny hand in his huge one and tugged him enthusiastically through the ward.

"So this is the two-cent tour. The ward is divided into four sections. Ward One over there houses mostly drug seekers, bulimics and generalized anxiety freak shows. I like to swallow Percocets and eat cupcakes in front of them."

Jacob laughed as I snickered meanly.

"Ward Two is for the pain seekers...cutters, dermatillomaniacs and garden variety masochists. Some of the pain seekers are actually drug seekers too, but the classification system here is inherently flawed."

Jacob nodded soberly and I smirked.

"My friend Jessica just got downgraded to Ward Three...depressives, manic depressives, borderlines, OCD's...mostly harmless textbook crap."

We turned the corner to Ward Four. "Le Voila! Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."

"This is your ward?"

"Yeppers. Only the most well-adjusted psychopaths get to live in Ward Four. You are a very lucky man, young Jacob Black. Ward Four is the ninth circle of Hell, home to the sickest minds of all...and I am their queen. Here is my chamber."

Jacob looked me over seriously after my brief rant. "How are you doing really, Bells? You can tell me, you know?" He pulled me into his arms.

"I'm lonely," I snuffed into his chest.

"I'm here, Bella. I'll come every weekend to see you if you want. I'll even skip school a bunch to keep you company."

"Don't skip school!"

"K."

I wriggled out of his tight embrace and he jumped back, worried that he had offended me.

"Sit down, Jake."

Obediently, he lowered his body to my bed and sat on the edge awkwardly.

"You like me, right?"

"Of course I like you, Bells."

"Good...I'm lonely, Jake. I need to be touched. Will you touch me?"

But he didn't understand. He rubbed the length of my arm and tried to pull me into another clumsy embrace. I shook my head and he stopped.

"Have you ever touched a girl, Jake...down there?" I lowered my eyes to my crotch to give him a hint.

He exhaled a shaky breath and his eyes widened beseechingly, trying to make sense of my unusual innuendo.

"I-you want-I...Bells, what are you asking me to do?"

_Sigh_. "Finger me."

He jumped a foot in the air. "No, Bella! Not while you're in the hospital."

"Um, we could go outside if you prefer."

"That's not what I meant."

"Don't you want to make me happy?" I taunted childishly.

"Of course, Bells. But I refuse to take advantage of you."

Such a fucking gentleman. Apparently I would have to be more direct. I grabbed his hand and pressed it against my heated crotch and said, "No, sweet Jake. The pleasure will be all mine."

He moaned and pushed me back down on the bed, rubbing me over my clothes. It happened so quickly my head was spinning. He took in shocked, rough gasps of air while his hips bucked automatically toward me. I could feel my heat and moisture start to seep through the denim, so I undid the fly of my jeans and kicked them down.

"Fuck!" he swore enthusiastically, and brought his fingers to my underwear; his eyes were all pupils.

"Under the panties," I moaned. "Please, Jake...I need to be touched so badly."

He seemed unsure of himself for a moment. Tentatively he pushed the material of my underwear aside and stroked the outside lips reverently. As soon as he touched my skin he whimpered like a puppy dog.

"The clit," I coached. "It's the nub that-"

"Bell, I know what a clit is...I'm just nervous."

"You've never done this before?" Oh shit, suddenly I felt really guilty.

But then he rolled his eyes at me, putting on a show of manly confidence. "Of course I have...but never with you, Bella"

"So what's the big deal?"

He responded by plunging two fingers inside of me and I cried out. He increased the friction and lowered his face to my clit, offering long licks before taking it into his mouth and sucking.

I think I responded with something like, "Oh, Jesus, God and...fuck!" but I couldn't really be sure. The heat of his tongue as it entered me was indescribable. I cried out in surprise as much as pleasure. He pulsed it into me rhythmically, and I groped my hands down to clutch his fists.

"Can I kiss you, Bella?"

"Isn't that what you're doing?"

He stopped his ministrations and brought his lips to mine. His breath smelled like chocolate and pussy. Instead of diving his tongue into my mouth like I had expected, he pulled my lips gently between his. The kiss was impossibly soft and tender, giving me pause.

Enough of that; I wanted happy trails into the sunset! I growled and kissed my way down his chest, past the bulging muscles of his six-pack, to the concave spot beneath his hip bones. He offered no argument when I undid his belt and pulled his jeans down to his knees.

I looked up and met his dark eyes, seeking permission. He nodded. I reached my hand underneath the elastic of his boxer shorts and pulled out what I daresay was the biggest cock I had ever seen in person.

"Shit! This is a dark secret that wasn't revealed in the book."

Jake didn't hear, or try, to understand my comment. I brought my lips to kiss the tip just as he exploded on my face.

"Fuck, Jake...a little warning would be nice. I think you got my eye!"

Jacob looked horrified. "I'm so sorry, Bella."

He jumped off my bed and tried to stuff himself back into his pants.

"It's okay, Jake. Let me get you a towel." I pulled my lavender robe on and retrieved an institutional gray hand towel from the bathroom. When I returned, Jake was sobbing.

"Shit, Jake...don't cry. I'm sorry."

"I fucked this up, Bell. I always dreamed that the first time we...that I would...I'm so embarrassed."

"Don't be embarrassed, Jake. Let's just wait a few minutes and try again."

"I love you, Bella."

Oh...right. Silly me. This was a selfish and terrible act. Which, of course, could only be rightfully followed by the worse thing a girl could ever say to a boy who just had a premature ejaculation on her bed.

"This was a mistake, Jake. You shouldn't have come."

**Author's note: Reviews prolong the pleasure!**


	5. Chocolate Mint

So it seems I was going to hell. I couldn't see any possible way out of it.

My mantra the day after the Jacob incident was:_ not real not real not real not real_. When I got agitated it became: _notrealnotrealnotrealnotrea_l. When I got really fucking agitated it became: _notfuckingrealnotfuckingreal._..and you get the picture. The advantage of being a crazy person was ranting was just status quo.

My drug this morning was Amisulpride...apparenty the Haloperidol wasn't effective. I googled it with my iPhone and Wiki claims that it's a selective dopamine antagonist which sounded really fucking violent if you asked me. Was there good dopamine and bad dopamine? And what method of selection did my drug use to antagonize my poor dopamine. Should I not have had a dopamine protagonist to complete the story arc?

Nothing felt right in this world. Nothing feels real in this world? I can't pinpoint the time and place of this narrative. Am I/was I telling a story...is someone reading it? Will someone read it?

Perhaps I was telling this story to myself now because I'd run out of options. It's not like I could read Twilight in this universe.

I wouldn't dare pick-up another book and I avoided the television in the common room like Herpes. I mean, What if I watched an episode of True Blood? Would I wake up as Sookie Stackhouse tomorrow? Not like we got fucking HBO anyway.

Having no other plans for the day, I would succumb to my misery. I missed my kids with a longing so brutal it was positively feral. I wanted my husband, the only other motherfucker I know who was crazier than me.

I wanted to die...I want to die.

-({})-

I was sobbing in my bed when Edward found me.

"Bella?"

"Leave me alone!" I snapped at him. The beautiful lie was not what I craved. I was lost, trapped in this world by my own mind. Something in my core firmly believed I would never resurface.

"Bella, love. Please listen to me? I know that you believe this other life is real. Truly it's the one that is the most plausible. However, please don't ask me to leave you. It's the only demand of yours I will ever refuse. You have my oath that I will love you forever, even as Isabella Flanagan."

"That makes absolutely no sense, Edward. I'm not the girl you love."

"Oh, but you are. If Bella Swan is real then you exist as part of her, and every part of Bella Swan is loved by me. If Isabella Flanagan is real, then I exist as part of you. Still I am yours."

Edward stopped talking and cradled me in his arms like a child. Instantly the grief dissipated and was replaced by calm. "I am yours, Bella. I love you unconditionally and irrevocably."

He was mine. I looked up at his otherworldly face that was mine. It belonged to me.

"You belong to me," I confirmed, meeting his gentle gaze. He nodded and I pressed my fingers to his mouth. "Holy fuck you're exquisite. Normal people don't have this kind of bone structure, you know. Your beauty is freakish."

"I'll try and keep humble," he smirked with a wicked grin. Ahhh, the lopsided grin. That was blatant flirting. Bella missed it completely but I didn't. He was trying to get my panties wet.

"Stay very still," I commanded, just like Bella Swan would have. Very curiously, he turned to stone beneath my touch. I inched my mouth towards him and pressed my lips timidly to his. I was nervous...everything felt too real. I was about to pull away but suddenly the statue before me came to life, pulling me roughly into the circle of his arms. He reciprocated my pathetic kiss with his own ferocious one.

"Oh god, Bella," he moaned "it's been so long since I've touched you."

This Edward was far more sexual than the one in the books...or perhaps he always was and Bella never fully recognized it. His lips parted beneath my kiss and I pushed the tip of my tongue into his mouth. I felt his lips become tense against mine but he fought against it. He greeted my tongue with his own and the sensation was like nothing I had ever encountered.

So beautiful, so sweet and cold. Mmmm, he was like chocolate mint. That was the smell and almost the taste. I wondered if he tasted like chocolate mint everywhere?

"Is there anything that you would deny me, Edward?" Yeah, I was already going to hell so I might as well enjoy the ride.

"Anything you want, Bella..." He smiled at me and then seemed to think better of his comment "...within reason, of course."

"Of course," I agreed and smiled wickedly. "Take your shirt off, Edward."

"Bella...I- I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"It's very important for my recovery. I need to fuck you to prove that you're real."

His eyes widened. "No Bella."

_Yeah, of course not._

So I did something Bella never would have. I dug my hand into my pants and started touching myself. I closed my eyes and let out a lustful moan.

"Bella?"

"Shhh, Edward, don't interrupt me."

I opened my eyes and met his gaze. He was mesmerized. Sitting very still on my bed, he watched me have my way with myself.

"You're making me crazy, Bella." His voice was strained, the velvet timber replaced by a guttural rasp.

"I'm already there, Edward," I retorted breathlessly. My jeans started falling lower on my hips as my fingering grew more frantic.

"What are you thinking?" I gasped.

"I...want to see."

"What do you want to see?"

"All of you, Bella."

"Only if you ask nicely, and call it by it's proper name."

"Please Bella, I want to see your..."

"Use the "P" word, Edward...and I don't mean please."

"Show me your pussy, Bella."

* * *

**Author's Note: Shit this is dirty! Reviews make Bella bolder.**


	6. Spanking the Monkey

**Author's note: If masturbation is offensive to you than consider the title your warning...it's never my intention to offend.**

_I should have quit you, baby, such a long time ago,  
I wouldn't be here with all my troubles Down on this killing floor.  
Squeeze me baby, till the juice runs down my leg  
Squeeze me baby, till the juice runs down my leg  
The way you squeeze my lemon,  
I..I'm gonna fall right out of bed, yeah._

_ Led Zeppelin - The Lemon Song_

What else could I possibly do? I lowered my pants and kicked them off with my feet. I was wearing Bella's benign white panties but the innocence they implied was seductive. The kind of sexy that appears so because it's trying not to be...but actually is. Like a Japanese schoolgirl.

I stuck a finger into the elastic and dipped down about an inch. Edward was not breathing or blinking. I had completely captured his attention. His eyes followed my fingers, the pupils moving left and right, up and down with each of my slow caresses. I felt like I was hypnotizing a chicken.

I lowered the panties ever so slightly, maybe half an inch and then stopped. His eyes were transfixed on the exposed flesh of my abdomen.

On my hands and knees I crawled the length of the bed to my virginal centenarian vampire lover. I kissed him very softly on his unyielding mouth and said "So you want to see my pussy?"

He nodded, venomous drool started to turn white in the corner of his mouth. So fucking sexy...and a little gross.

Facing him, I lifted myself onto his lap and then dropped backward on the bed so that I was straddling his stomach. Pulling back away ever so slightly, I opened my legs so that he could see my wetness seeping through the cotton underwear.

"Girls get very wet then they are turned on. Did you know that, Edward?" I moved the material to the side infinitesimally revealing a light sprinkling of pubic hair and the edge of my lip.

He drew in air with a hiss through his teeth before regaining composure. "I've gotten very detailed accounts of lovemaking from my brothers. Female vampires do not produce vaginal lubricant like human women, however I've read up on human arousal and sexuality," he half smiled somewhat shamefully "And er- downloaded some movies."

"Holy mother of shit! Edward Cullen downloads porn! You must tell me everything!"

"What do you want to know?" he laughed nervously.

"What kind of porn appeals to you most."

"I didn't find any of it really that appealing, Bella. It's not what I was expecting."

"Why did you watch it then?"

"I'm not sure if I should answer that question. It will only encourage you."

"Yeah well, asking to see my pussy was all the encouragement I needed."

Edward sighed with a shaky breath and drew his eyes away from my crotch.

"I wanted to make sure that I would know how to give you pleasure should the opportunity ever become feasible."

"Do you think you learned everything you needed to?"

He grinned smugly. "I'm a quick study."

"I'm so curious..."

"You can ask me anything, Bella. You know that."

"Can...No, never mind. It's too embarrassing."

This was rewarded with a snarky laugh. "Oh, I see. Questioning me is embarrassing but your little performance doesn't irk you one bit."

I glared at him. "Can you masturbate and if so, do you?"

That wiped the grin off of his face. "Yes...and yes."

"But not to porn?"

"No."

"What do you think about while jerking off?"

"This," he said cupping my face between his hands and kissing me. He drew his wintry tongue down my neck sending delicious shivers through me. Sweet and cool like chocolate mint. Like a fucking york peppermint patty.

"Do you think about fucking me?"

"Yes, Bella."

"Say it, Edward."

"I think about fucking you all of the time." He nipped my earlobe with his lips.

"I want to see it. I want to see you rub your cock while thinking about fucking me."

That gave him pause.

"Look Edward, I know that you don't want to fuck me because you're scared that you might hurt me. Well fuck you then! Fuck you or fuck off!"

"Bella-"

"No, don't argue with me! I'm making a fool of myself here."

"I- I want to please you, Bella, I swear I do. I'm just worried that you're not in the right frame of mind."

Oh...I could fix that. I would just have to work a little harder at becoming Bella Swan.

I let a couple of pathetic tears roll down my cheek. "I'm sorry, Edward. I...I don't know what I was thinking. Please pass me my jeans."

"Please don't cry Bella, love...let me look at you for a little longer."

"No Edward. I feel so ashamed of myself."

"Please Bella, let me look at you? You have no reason to feel ashamed. You're so beautiful...let me see, please?"

Tentatively I lowered the panties and gave him full view. He groaned and pulled a metal spoke out of the bed frame he was currently curling his fingers around.

"Christ!" he swore uncharacteristically without my goading. "I can taste you from here."

I ducked my head, as if embarrassed. He kissed my cheek. "So beautiful," he whispered.

"Really?" I asked with feigned skepticism, attempting to cross my legs bashfully.

"Every inch of you is breathtaking. You can't even imagine the restraint I am employing...the things I'm imagining doing to you." He lowered his face to my abdomen and licked a cool line down to my pubic bone, kissing and licking his way back up to my navel. That was my undoing, seeing the muscles twitching in his strong jaw as he tongued so close to my nether lips.

"Please, Edward?"

"What do you want, Bella...tell me?"

"I want to see you spank the monkey while watching me touch myself. All the while I want you tell me every dirty slang word know for pussy."

He laughed, god bless him. "That's a tall order."

Hmmm, let's hope so!

"You really want to see me...do that?"

"Yes, Edward. So very much."

My vision blurred slightly with lust as I stared at the brown buckle of his belt, just above the straining denim of his jeans. There was a raging hard-on behind the zipper, I just knew it! His hands momentarily blocked my ogling

"Cum dumpster," he said, unbuckling slowly.

_Excuse me?_

"Cunt, lovebox, twat, cooter, beaver, fish lips," he continued with a lascivious grin. He lowered his pants to the ground and kept rattling off pussy words. "Rosebud, curly curtains, furry furnace, slop hole, velcro love triangle."

I opened my legs wide to give him some inspiration "Slice of heaven," he groaned and pulled himself out of the boxers.

Oh...Oh my. Wow. Shit! Oh fuck, I wanted to touch it.

It was so perfectly proportionate and straight...not too long or thick but plenty big. He could have been a cock model...if such an occupation exists.

"Touch yourself for me, Bella?" he grunted while stroking his length.

"Sure, Edward." I splayed my fingers, pushing one inside myself and resting the other on my clit. "But don't forget to say your pussy words."

"Aahhhh," he exhaled, gripping himself firmly. "Cum craver, cock squeezer, camel toe, muff, snatch, hairy doughnut, fun hatch, spasm chasm."

I pushed my finger in and out at a languid pace as he jerked his cock slowly. Part of me felt guilty, like I was defiling Jane Austen's Mr. Darcy or some shit. Whatever, though...everybody fucks. Sex is the great equalizer.

"Pooter, love rug, poontang, poonanie, cooch, tunnel of love."

He was pulling on himself furiously now.

"I'm going to touch you so please don't break my hand by accident when I interrupt your wank."

I grabbed him in my fist and...got rained with jizz.

What the fuck? Why does this keep happening to me??

"I'm never going to have an orgasm again at this rate!"

"I wouldn't worry about that, love. Vampires never go soft."


	7. A Clean Break

The sun streamed through an unfamiliar window. Where was I? The room was tiny and stark, like a prison or a hospital...or both.

"Edward?" I whispered fearfully. I could feel his cold arms around me but that was impossible. The last time I saw him he had left me in the woods promising never to return.

A clean break.

"A clean break...but...what's going on?

Edward licked my neck and to my astonishment cupped my naked breast in his hand. Why was I naked? I rolled over onto my back and felt his bare thigh bristle against mine.

"Edward?"

"Honey pot," he whispered and licked the circle of my nipple. Instantly the pink nub tightened and hardened.

"What?"

"It's another pussy word...I can't remember if I said it last night."

"Um - p-p-pussy word? What?"

"Bella, are you alright?"

"You said you didn't want me anymore...why are you...why are we naked?"

Too much. This was too much. I ground my fists into my eyes and bit back a scream.

"Bella, love...it's alright, you're alright."

"You don't want me anymore," I said, not as an accusation but a simple statement of fact.

"No Bella, I love you. The short time we were apart I spent every minute thinking about you." He sat up in bed so I did too, shielding my bare breasts with my hands. He peeled the sheet off the bed and wrapped it around me.

"Where are we?"

"A hospital...you've been unwell. My fault."

"I don't understand, Edward. You left me."

"I know," he groaned, his face contorting in acute agony. "I promise you, I suffer every minute because of my mistake." He bowed his head and kissed my shoulder.

"This is a dream, isn't it? There's no way we could be naked together...you said you wouldn't make love to me."

"We didn't make love, Bella."

"Then why are we naked?"

-({})-

Edward was explaining the pussy game to me looking so goddamn serious. I nodded politely. Why was he trying to placate me? It was my game after all. Shit, I hope I didn't fuck him up for good. It was only suppose to be a bit of fun. What was with the self-flagellation?

"Calm down, Edward. Why are you freaking out?"

"Bella?"

"Shit, I haven't even been awake for five seconds yet and you're so fucking contrite. There's nothing to feel guilty about."I yawned and stretched. His confused expression was so precious...I felt rather affected by him, almost romantic.

"Come here Edward,"I cooed, reaching down to grab his ever-hard cock. He jumped, propelling himself backwards off the bed, creating a very matrixy-like effect.

"Cool. Can you do that again with me attached to your hips?"

"I'm calling Carlisle, he'll know what to do."

"Awesome. A threesome."

-({})-

"Bella?"

"huh?"

What the fuck?

"Bella, can you hear me?"

"Yes I can fucking hear you! Where the fuck am I?"

"South Lake, Critical Care."

A doctor was shining a pen light in my eye.

"Follow my finger," he instructed, moving his hand to my peripherals.

"Who are you?"

"Dr. Shapiro. Can you tell me your name?"

"Bella."

"Can you tell me your last name?"

"Swan...no, that's not right is it?"

"No."

"Flanagan."

"Yes."

"I want to see my kids."

-({})-

"I'm so sorry, Bella."

"Hold my hands, Edward, please, don't let go of me. I can't stay in one place. I keep disappearing."

"How long has she been like this, Edward?" Carlisle inquired clinically.

Edward dry sobbed as I clung to him. "Two hours. What's happening"

"She's oscillating between personalities but one has no memory of the other."

"Why?" Edward choked.

"Trauma...her mind is trying to protect itself. This is good son, a real breakthrough. She hasn't remembered herself in weeks."

"You don't love me, Edward," I reminded him. "You left me in the woods. Everyone is gone."

"No Bella."

"A clean break," I said and my world imploded.

* * *

**Ahhh, poor Bella. Maybe the next leap will be her leap home (Quantum Leap Fans...Anyone?) Reviews are better than Pussy Words.**


	8. Twilight Princess

_Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  
Albert Einstein, Physicist (1879 - 1955)_

I was so disoriented; my memories made no sense.

Jessica was discharged yesterday and I was bored as fuck. I'd been trying to write the same sentence for the last twenty minutes. Thank God that the _powers that be_ finally granted me a pen, because trying to write with lipstick sucked. I wondered if this meant I was getting better? Really fucking crazy people were not allowed anywhere near _sharps_. Apparently, it was possible to kill oneself with a pen without that much difficulty, although for the life of me I couldn't picture it. Maybe if I broke it in half so that the plastic fractured I would have had enough of an edge to saw at my wrists? Or I could have plunged the ball point into the artery in my neck. Don't misunderstand me, I wasn't suicidal, I was just working through the logic behind my lethal pen. What a romantic way for a writer to go, though. What if Hemmingway had killed himself with a pen?

I wrote the image down on paper, but now that it was released into the universe, I no longer cared for it. Would Bella Swan have had a stupid thought like that? _Yeah, I'm pretty sure no._ I violently scratched it out. I guessed I wasn't feeling much like Edward's Bella today.

_Ahhhh, Edward._

No! I would not think about him. I'd never get better if I didn't clear my head of him. I wouldn't think of his eyes, his hands, his lips...his hard-

_Oh God, and fuck, I want him!_

Pounding my fists into my eyes, I rolled over in bed and tried to contemplate my journal. This was my futile attempt to document my experiences and separate the _real_ from the _crazy_...which was really fucking frustrating when everyone was trying to convince me that the crazy was real.

_And so fucking hot I could come just by thinking about him._

Shit! I started doodling in my journal, trying to make sense of my notes, but nothing made sense because my brain was misfiring. Whatever messages my synapses were sending as electrical impulses through my nervous system were breaking down. This information superhighway had a roadblock.

Oh, that gave me an idea!

I took out my iPhone and scanned through my contacts. _So fucking weird_:

Alice - Cell  
Angela - home  
Charlie - work  
Edward - cell  
Emmett - cell

_Why the fuck does Bella have Emmett's number?_

Jacob - home  
Mom - cell

I toyed with the idea of calling Alice when my phone rang.

"Bella Swan's phone, Bella Flanagan speaking."

"Thanks for thinking of me," a pretty voice trilled like a crystal bell.

"Um, Alice?"

"Who else?"

Neat. Very cool. I had absolutely nothing to say. "So...what's new?"

"Bella." Alice pouted sternly. "I understand that you've been unwell, but that is no excuse not to call me."

"Sorry, Alice. I didn't realize I had your phone number."

"Listen to me...You have to work harder at this, Bella."

"I'm sorry? What should I be working at?" I honestly had no clue.

"At becoming Bella Swan."

The line was dead. Not like Alice had hung up, but like the call had never happened. I checked my _recents_ screen and it was blank. I navigated back to my _contacts__,_ but that was empty, too. Wiped clean. _Tabula Rasa_.

I opened my Safari window and Googled "Twilight." My top result was "The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess." There was no reference to the book or movie whatsoever.

On the wall opposite my bed was a mirror, and the girl in it was looking at me; she was innocuous, but kind of pretty. She looked familiar. She could have been me; it was not entirely outside the realm of possibility.

"I am Bella Swan," I told her. Her voice was mine.

-({})-

"Dr. Cullen came to visit you recently. Any setbacks or accomplishments you feel like sharing?" Dr. Banner asked.

"I feel good, more grounded. I like the new medication."

"Excellent; I think you're showing real improvement."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome, Bella. I'd like to start off by talking about Edward today, if you don't mind."

"Of course not."

"What is your relationship to him?"

"He's my boyfriend."

"How old is Edward?"

"Um..." New Moon, so if he was seventeen previously, he would've been..."Eighteen."

"How long has he been eighteen?"

"A while," I quoted, and then thought better of it. "A few months, at least."

"Do you believe he possesses any supernatural powers?"

"No."

"Are you lying to me?"

"Yes. I mean...what am I supposed to say?"

Dr. Banner sighed and looked at me with patient eyes. "You're supposed to tell me the truth."

"Ok, here's the truth. I'm not Bella Swan _yet__, _but I'm working on it. Just give me time."

"That's a very healthy attitude."

I smiled, very pleased with my new outlook.

"I'm going to ask you a difficult question," Dr. Banner said suddenly. "I am asking Isabella Flanagan this question. I am speaking to Mrs. Flanagan, not Ms. Swan."

_I'm not dumb, asshole!_

"Do you remember what happened to Bella in the woods, the day Edward left her?"

"Yes. She wandered around for hours and then passed out. Sam Uley found her and took her home."

"How do you know what happened to Bella Swan? Were you there?"

"She read about it."

"She?"

"Fuck, I mean I. The pronoun game is confusing me."

"I'm speaking now to Bella Swan. I only want Bella Swan to answer me."

_Um, Ok?_

"Why is Isabella Flanagan being hospitalized?"

"She lost her mind; something bad happened."

"What happened?"

"I- I don't remember. She doesn't think about it."

"How do you feel about Isabella Flanagan?"

"I don't like her."

"Why not?"

"She's vulgar and mean. She's trying to seduce Edward."

"You are aware of her?"

"Yes. I remember what she did with Edward now. I don't want her in me. How do I get rid of her?"

"By remembering what happened in the woods and dealing with it. Can you do that?"

"Something happened...not to me, but to her."

"Tell me what happened, Bella."

My head snapped up sharply. "I'm sorry, Bella Swan has left the building. Stop fucking with my mind, Dr. Banner."

"I will only address Bella Swan."

"Fuck you!"

I ran out of his office screaming, flailing, trying to draw attention to myself. Mercifully, the _White Coats_ appeared quickly.

"Give me the fucking Thorazine already, asshole."

* * *

**Author's note: The hardest part about writing this chapter was finding a google entry for Twilight that had nothing to do with the book or movie. Try it.**

**Reviews are my brand of Thorazine.**


	9. Night of the Living Dead

"I'm a zombie," I slurred to a _White Coat_. She was dragging my sorry ass down the hall toward my oblivion. My limbs were not responding to reason. "I hunger for your brains."

"You're one sick cookie," she admonished, and I responded with my best shit-eating grin.

If Jake could be a wolfman and Edward a vampire, then I could certainly be a zombie.

"Why do you want to be a Zombie, darling?" she asked, setting me down on a stretcher.

"Zombies don't bleed," I explained. "Zombies are already dead."

-({})-

I saw two Edwards in front of me; my hallucinations were multiplying. The implications of this made me delirious with lust...or at least would have if I wasn't a fucking zombie!

"Hello, Edwards," I slurred.

"Hi, Bellas," he replied in kind.

I rubbed at my eyes until my double vision focused and cleared.

"I'm a zombie," I explained, trying to justify my slow reflexes and sudden hunger for brains.

"I'm a vampire."

"How the fuck do you keep getting in here?" _I mean, seriously. _We were in my room and I couldn't remember how I got here let alone how he did. Fucking Thorazine!

But I felt calm and delicious. _Ah, I can't stay mad at you, Thorazine._

"Again...vampire. Preternatural speed and stealth."

"Don't forget all-around sexy bitch."

"Yes and of course, I am one sexy bitch." Edward's voice was thick with irony as he smiled sadly at me. He was wistful, and as his smile transformed into an expression of anguish, I felt myself growing impatient and disgusted.

All I could see was a wretched and pathetic shell of a man. What a waste, a snivelling pile of waste he was, to have unlimited power and freedom for naught. I was so over the brooding vampire persona. The self-loathing monster with a soul act had been done before, and done much better.

And then I got pissed. Well, as pissed as any zombie could be. "You know what? Fuck you! You just want me to go away so your fucking precious Bella Swan will return. Well, I have news for you, we're sharing this body and I'm not going anywhere."

Edward sighed and tried to pull me into his arms but I ducked him. I wanted to force some sort of passionate reaction out of him. "Bella's a whiny little slut." I spat and slapped him.

Fuck! Shit and fuck again! I broke my motherfucking hand!

As if that weren't enough, the bastard tried to cover my mouth to silence my screaming and I bit his finger, shattering my eye tooth. Howling ensued.

The _White Coats_ were not fast enough to catch Edward before he flew into the closet.

"My hand," I sobbed, swallowing blood. "I want a shot of Demerol."

"Bella," a _White Coat_ said, "You know an awful lot about pharmacology."

"Is that an accusation? My fucking hand is broken and I am not a drug seeker. Get me an X-Ray, asshole."

"We're not a narcotic delivery service. Why are you screaming?"

"I. Broke. My. Hand."

"How?"

"Shit, I don't know. I struck my hallucination in the face and the bones shattered. He's in the closet, if you don't believe me." I jumped out of bed to open the closet door but found myself restrained by the collar of my shirt. "Get out of the fucking closet, asshole, and fess up."

Edward did not open the door. Fucking coward!

A _White Coat_ snickered meanly at my closet euphemism. I was without humor, though, wanting nothing but the sweet oblivion and release only an opiate could offer me in my present state.

"Get out of my room if you're not going to help me." It was fruitless to try to engage a _White Coat_. I'm not sure why I even bothered. Smug pieces of crap, they turned and left the room in order of rank, with the pageantry of marching soldiers.

I had been tonguing my Ativan for such an emergency, but before I could retrieve them from behind my plastic mirror, Edward decided to show his chicken-shit face again.

"You never should have come back. You should have left me in the woods to die."

"Please, Bella. Let me see your hand?"

"No, Edward. This is over. I don't love you."

"You don't mean that." Edward stated evenly. It wasn't an argument, it was a blatant denial of my words.

Rage flooded through me, bringing me back to life. I would _destroy_ him.

"I loved you more then I knew I was capable of. But the girl you loved died the day you left. This bitch is what's left and she despises you, Edward. Everything about you except your body. So if you're not going to fuck me then you're absolutely useless to me. Get. Out."

"Please Bella, I know you don't mean this."

"Don't I? Look in my eyes, do you see anything other than hatred? You took everything from me. Left me alone to face Laurent and Victoria. I've been through hell and back again, Edward. Only now, hell is on earth and I am damned, trapped in this head. The only thing that your _clean break_ succeeded in fracturing was my sanity. And do you know why the old Bella needed to create me? Because Isabella Flanagan is one mean bitch and she refuses to be hurt by you ever again. She will not forgive you."

Edward was shaking, his knees buckled beneath him and he slid down the wall onto the floor. This gave me cold satisfaction.

"I am Bella Swan and I do not love you. I don't feel anything for you but disgust."

-({})-

I resurfaced, fighting against the undertow of hate and despair that _she_ created. "Stop Edward, don't leave me!" I sobbed. His face was a mask of pain and horror. "I don't have much time. Don't listen to her...I'll never stop loving you. Please don't leave me? I'll die. I die a little more every day when she takes over and I can't get her out of my head. But whatever she says, I love you. Never doubt that."

-({})-

_Yeah, enough of that bullshit! You're not getting off that easy, asshole._

"I'm going to be kind to your girlfriend. I'm going to give her what she deserves, Edward. His name is Jacob Black...and trust me, he will not deny Bella anything at all. Bella's sweet little pussy is aching for his cock, which, by the way, is much bigger than yours."

* * *

**Author's note: That was hitting below the belt! Reviews will bring another lemon. A very graphic one.**

**So, it seems I've developed a reputation for my "pussy word" fiction. Everyone should be infamous for something. My parents will be so proud that some twelve years later, I'm finally making use of my Creative Writing Degree. Hi Ma! Look, I'm writing about genitals.  
**


	10. An American Werewolf in Bella

**Author's Note: Rated M for a reason. This smutty chapter is dedicated to aging-mom avid reader, ****Untraceable and Isabella Flanagan's sister Kati.**

Fucking Edward Cullen. Fucking Bella Swan.

Both of those sad-ass bitches would pay for fucking with me.

-({})-

I was facing the window in the common room wishing I could remember how to smoke when I first sensed him.

"Hey Jacob, thanks for coming." _Oh God and fuck!_ I promised myself I wouldn't mention the word "come" in any context to him and it was the first goddamn thing out of my mouth. Jake's dark skin flushed red.

I reached out my hand to him and he accepted it tentatively, lowering himself into the chair opposite me.

"I don't know how to properly explain myself, Jake. The way I treated you was unfair...and I'm not going to use my illness as an excuse. Suffice it to say that I'm not myself right now."

"I understand, Bells. I should have been able to control myself. Will you please forgive me for taking advantage of you like that? You know I would never hurt you, right?" Jake's eyes were glistening and haunted with bruised shadows. _He's so innocent and vulnerable I could castrate myself for what I did_. I pounded my head against the unbreakable glass window, safe in the knowledge that there surely was a special place in Hell for she-demons like me.

"Jake, you listen to me! You will not shoulder any blame for what_ I_ did to you.I did it to _you_. _I_ took advantage of _you_, not the other way around. I'm a sick old girl and you're a young beautiful boy...this situation is so fucked up."

"Bella, I'm three times your size." He stood to emphasize his point and a gentle smile played upon his lips. "How could you have taken advantage of me?"

"Because you're too eager to please. Jake, it's very important that you grow a backbone with me or I'm apt to destroy you...I really don't want to, but it could happen. I could crush you without even thinking about it. Do you understand?"

He nodded but I could tell he wasn't taking my words to heart.

"So you'll be careful? I can't live with myself if I hurt you again. You must promise me or I'll have to insist that you leave."

His eyes became panicked. "Of course, Bella. I'll be very careful."

"Good. Kiss me, Jake?"

He practically leaped out of his chair and crouched down on his knees in front of me. his hands became fists in my hair as he pulled my face towards his roughly.

"Stop!"

He stopped, but did not let go of my hair and his face was so close to mine I could feel his breath expelling in pants against my mouth.

"That was a test, Jake," I explained and wrenched my head out of his hands. "You failed. I told you to grow some fucking cahoonas!"

He practically growled at me then. "Grow some fucking balls? What do you want from me Bella? One minute you're practically gagging to have me in your mouth and the next you're all contrite offering nothing but cryptic advice. You know what? I'm a big boy and I can take whatever you dish."

His impassioned speech filled me with want and suddenly, I was grabbing his hair in my eager fists.

"Do you still want me?" I asked, feeling very much out of character...vulnerable. His eyes softened and he expelled a soft sigh, pressing his forehead to mine.

"Always, Bella. I always want you."

-({})-

I couldn't face the shackles of my bedroom so I took him for a walk outside. The _Powers that Be_ had granted me a one hour pass. We slipped outside through a utility exit and I was lulled into peaceful silence as we walked side-by-side through an empty field beyond a far parking lot. I took three steps for each of Jake's long strides, but I could tell he was moving as slowly as possible to accommodate my shorter legs and languid speed. Eventually, I found a secluded area behind an old portable that appealed to my purpose. I imagined it must have been a make-shift parking office before the new lot was built.

Before I could gather my nerve, Jake pushed my back against the wall of the office and hunched down to kiss me. Momentarily, I faltered, completely overcome by his passion, his eager mouth almost violent against mine. Very quickly, I caught up to his mood and pulled his hair into my hands to drag him closer even though there already wasn't an inch of light between us. But he knew what I wanted. He grabbed my legs and lifted me. My arms wrapped around his neck and I caught his hips between my thighs.

I felt him harden between my legs and the lustful bitch in my head started screaming for the cock. I tried to quiet her down by concentrating on Jake's beautiful eyes. I traced his cheekbones with my fingers and sighed...I felt, I don't know, strangely like I didn't have to try to be _her_. Like he'd accept me for who I was. I tested my theory out.

"So you know I'm fucked up right? I'm not the Bella Swan you love."

"Bullshit," he whispered tenderly into my earlobe and licked a trail down my neck. "You pull that multiple personality shit with me too, you know. Bella Swan appeared on the walk over here, don't you remember?"

I didn't so I shook my head with wide eyes.

"You're just two sides of the same coin. When you think you're Bella Swan, you act too vulnerable and timid. Bella Flanagan is the opposite, unbreakable and pushy. It's like you've polarized and separated. you're still you though."

I was so grateful. He'd made me feel so fucking awesome that I rubbed his cock over his jeans in gratitude and said "I love you, Jake." I even meant it in that moment. For the first time in as long as I could remember, someone has accepted me as I was. He wasn't waiting for me to wake up as Bella Swan, he'd accepted both of us.

"You don't have to say that, Bells. Everything I am is yours anyway."

We lay down on the grass and he allowed me to explore his massive torso with my fingers, lifting his shirt over his head. I kissed and licked his muscled chest and listened to his sweet moan. My kisses became more heated and he shuddered and grunted under my tongue. He was so hot...I mean, his temperature. Too hot. I wondered...

"Jake, you can tell me anything. You know that right?" I looked into his bruised eyes tenderly, at least, as tenderly as I was capable of.

"You know, even if it's not really your secret to tell. I'm crazy so if you want to confess something like, I don't know, maybe you morph into a giant dog at times...I won't judge you. I won't tell anyone your secret and even if I did no one would be believe me."

"How do you know about that!" he snapped darkly and pushed me away from him. The denial was heart wrenching. "Did your _bloodsucker_ tell you? How does he even know?"

_What the fuck?_ I was just trying to be sweet. And why did I feel like crying just because he pushed me away?

I tried to summon the hard ass bitch inside of me but she seemed to have gone for a latte. What remained was a hybrid of the Bellas and if he rejected me now I didn't think I could take it. I'd allowed myself to become too vulnerable.

"J-Jake," I stuttered, digging my fingers into my head to distract myself with pain. "Listen to me Jake, this sounds crazy and probably is...somehow I have the omniscient point of view all of the sudden. For example, I know that you are the rightful Alpha of the pack, not Sam."

"That's not true," he grumbled, still stunned.

"Leah's going to be a wolf too. Everyone will be shocked when it happens."

"No, women cannot phase."

"Don't be a sexist asshole! We can be doctors, lawyers and werewolves so don't make me get all Gloria Steinem on your ass."

He wasn't looking at me so I took off all of my clothes off as a gesture of goodwill.

"I love you, Jake. Look at me?"

Now I got his attention. He pushed me gently into the grass and wrapped his arms around me, warming my chilled skin.

"Make me feel something. Please?"

"Anything, Bella. I'll give you anything."

"Fuck me, Jake. I need to feel you inside of me. I need to feel something real."

"I don't have a condom, Bella."

"Then just don't come in me. I need to feel something so badly. Please Jake? If you don't fuck me I'll die."

He lowered his pants and boxers to his ankles and then kicked them off. Shit, I wish I had the foresight to have brought a blanket. I wrapped my legs around him and he pushed his hard-on into my pelvis, thrusting unconsciously while kissing me. My hips bucked upwards into him.

"I love you," he moaned into my mouth.

"I love you, Jake," I agreed. I was feeling very agreeable.

"Are you a virgin, Bells?"

_How the fuck do I answer that question?_ I certainly was not, but if I was following canon, then surely the body I currently inhabited had an unbroken hymen.

"Yes...are you, Jake?"

"Yes, Bella. I'm going to go slow, okay? Please let me know if I'm hurting you."

He grabbed his cock in his fist and lined it up with my pussy, teasing my clit gently with his head. I couldn't speak. I couldn't think. I didn't even ask him for pussy words I was so far gone.

"Please?" I begged pathetically.

"Sshhh, Bells. I'm not being cruel, I'm just trying to get you wet so it won't hurt so much. Be patient, okay?"

"No," I growled and tried to force him into me but he was too strong and employing some sort of superhuman restraint.

"Sshhh," he repeated and kissed my breasts, gently sucking on my erect nipples. He allowed me to bare down slightly and the head of his cock gained entrance. I gasped and he groaned.

_Oh fuck it feels incredible. I want more. Give me more. _"Fuck me, Jake? Please...I can't take it."

His hands and lips were everywhere, touching and tasting every inch of me. I grunted and tried to push him into me further by digging my heels into his ass.

He looked into my eyes and said, "I'm sorry, Bella. This is going to hurt."

I cried out, my eyes widening in shock as he thrusts fully into me. It hurt...so much. I felt so alive. I wanted it to hurt more.

"Fuck me, Jake!"

"Hold on, Bella. You're bleeding. Does it hurt?"

"Yes. I want more."

He groaned and pushed himself back into me. It was fucking bliss. I smiled, gratified in the knowledge that I'd all but fucked up Bella and Edward's fairy tale ending. This was my story now.

* * *

**Author's Note: Reviews are sweeter than a psychotic cherry pop. That kind of sounds like a Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream flavour.**


	11. Animal Attack

**Author's Note: I received the following PM "Becoming Bella Swan is being recommended on Les Femmes de Twilight this coming Thursday." There is a link on my profile page. Thank you to the sexy and wonderful ladies of this site, including, but not limited to the awesome and wonderful Tish Phoenix. Big lemony kisses.**

* * *

The world could disappear for all I fucking cared. Nothing mattered as Jake thrust into me, his body rocking against mine. He was trying to be gentle but I wasn't helping. My fingernails tore into the flesh of his back, raking at him while I screamed like a wounded animal, begging him to take me home. Oh fuck, I needed to come so badly. I think I may have actually whimpered those exact words because Jake grunted into my ear, "Relax, sweetheart. I won't until you do."

"Promise," I moaned. "I need it so badly."

"I promise, Bells," he said in a husky whisper and darted his tongue into my ear.

"Thank you, Jake."

He grabbed my ass in his hands and sped up the rhythm to a pace that I had trouble matching. I let go of his back and threw my hands up over my head in abandon, like I was shooting down the highest peak of a rollercoaster. As I fell back against the cold ground, he captured my thighs and held them in place at his hips.

Sweat poured from him onto me; the heat and musk of his body became positively animalistic, like nothing I've ever known. I no longer raised my hips to his rhythm because I'd lost control of my body. His pheromones had awakened something primal in me and I began grinding and baying like a dog, succumbing to an impulse I didn't quite comprehend.

I surrendered control and vowed, "I'm yours."

Two little words that changed everything.

"You're mine," he snarled in a feral voice, no longer gentle. He pounded into me with a frenzy that suddenly terrorized me. An image flashed through my mind: The woods, wet earth, canopy of trees.

The pleasure that was mine only moments ago had transformed into a throbbing ache. I felt torn apart.

I bit back the strange scene that threatened to invade my bliss and forced my eyes to focus on Jake's chiselled body. I was at risk of losing context...something about the cold ground and the scent of my blood.

"Say it!" His voice was a dominant growl. I gasped and swallowed a moan when his teeth sunk into the tender flesh of my shoulder.

"I'm yours," I cried out.

"Your _bloodsucker _can't give you what I can."

"He c-can't."

He unsheathed himself for a moment so that he could get a better angle on my neck. His teeth and tongue made short work of the sensitive skin. "I've marked you." His voice cracked against an emotion I could not identify. I dipped my head back, exposing my throat in a show of passive submission. He bit my neck again and I nearly screamed as Bella Swan tried to surface. I drowned the bitch before she could swallow any of my air to speak.

"I'm yours, Jake. Edward can go fuck himself for all I care."

"That's my girl," he grunted and drove himself slower and deeper into me. My hips bucked to meet his gentler pace. "Come for me, Bella," he pleaded and without breaking coitus, he rocked back, pulling me with him so that I was sitting on top of him. "Take me into you however feels best. I just want to see you come for me."

I nodded and took on an even gentler rhythm, relishing in the feel of his hot cock igniting the walls of my pussy in a slow burn. The pain of my broken hymen was at odds with the pleasure of the friction, creating a dichotomy of sensations.

Pleasure won dominance. The waves of heat intensified with each pass and soon I was crying out high pitched moans into Jake's ear. A string of obscenities flew out of my lips as I felt the pain and pleasure inside of me reach a fever pitch.

Tenderly, Jacob stroked my cheek and pulled my bottom lip into a kiss. "I love you," he whispered and I found my release in that moment. My muscles contracted so sweetly around him that I nearly sobbed in gratitude.

-({})-

A white flash shot across my peripheral and ripped me away from the hot body I was now in love with. Cold hands formed manacles on my upper arms and I flew sideways and stood upright, all at once.

It was Edward _Fucking_ Cullen. "Get off of me," I wailed in outrage.

"Shhh, Bella. Please stop screaming?"

He held me against his chest, cradling me like a child. He drew air through is teeth in an angry hiss at the sight of the dried blood on my naked thighs.

"What did he do to you?" The rage that contorted his angelic face was palpable.

His virgin had been defiled--and by a dog, no less.

"What you weren't man enough to," I spat. "Take your fucking hands off of me, asshole."

A strange noise distracted me; it sounded like knuckles cracking only about one-hundred decibels louder. I gasped in a strangled breath at the grotesque sight of Jacob contorting into wolf form. There was no magical shimmer of refracted light in the air around him. It was not fluid and magical, but rather macabre. His bones poked through his skin, creating angles the human body should not be capable of wrenching into. Brownish-red fur erupted all over him and his eyes bulged into massive saucers. When the transformation was complete, I noticed that my feet were wet. I'd peed myself.

The monstrous wolf howled and lunged. Edward pushed me out of the way, but a wave of vertigo hit me and I fell back towards him. The wolf yelped and tried to pull away from the offensive strike.

There was about a half-second margin of error. I watched in frozen terror at his hind legs desperately attempted to seek purchase in the earth. Muck flew about as the claws dug in and the ground shuddered at the impact, however a front paw shot out awkwardly towards me.

His claw scraped haphazardly across my stomach.

Blood. I saw the blood before I felt the fiery burn of my injury. I fell to the ground and instinctively tried to hold the wound together before passing out.

-({})-

"Can you tell me your name?"

"Bella-"

"BP's dropping," a nurse yelled. I tried to speak but I was too weak to make a sound.

"Do you remember what happened?"

"Animal attack," I mumbled.

-({})-

Another penlight, another doctor.

"Are you ready to talk about what happened?"

"Who are you?"

"Dr. Sharpiro."

"Get me some fucking morphine, asshole."

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**Author's Note: Please review me as I am full of inappropriate love for all of you.**


	12. Shitting on Edward

**Author's Note: Just saw **_**New Moon**_** and it didn't suck...was actually really good. I felt so bad for poor Jacob Black, that I think I'll have to write him a nice blow job into an upcoming chapter. I can't believe that kid Taylor Lautner pulled it off!**

_Are you fucking kidding me?_ My IV was beeping for the last ten minutes. I hit the call button on the wall, _again_.

"Yes?" said the disembodied voice.

"Could you be a doll and bring me another bag of Morphine and an antihistamine for the itching?"

"I'm sorry, Ms. Swan. You are not due for more pain medication for another fifteen minutes. I'll be there shortly."

_Buzz, buzz, buzz! _

"Yes?" said the impatient voice.

"Fuck you!"

-({})-

Edward was perched on the side of my bed looking like a statue, like he would crack if I threw something hard at him. I grabbed my bedpan and tossed it at his head.

Nope, there was no crack. He barely even looked surprised.

"I peed in that earlier."

"Yes, I can smell the ammonia."

"I guess nothing about me is gross to you?"

He smiled and said, "no."

"What if I took a crap on you, Edward. Would you enjoy that too?"

His jaw muscles tensed. I think finally, I had elicited an angry response. It would give me great pleasure to force a hostile reaction from him. His composure was grating on me.

"Hand me the bedpan, Edward. I want to see how much shit you're willing to take from me."

"What's your problem?" he yelled, tossing the bedpan against the wall.

"You are! I want you to leave. I'm _Team Jacob_ now."

"I will leave as soon as I'm positive the _Dog _will not harm you again."

"Jacob would never hurt me...he never would have phased in the first place if you didn't rip me away from him."

"Bella...he raped you."

"Go to Hell, asshole! That's seriously sick." I wanted to jump out of bed and spit on him but my abdomen was stapled together and he would probably get off on the contact with my saliva. Sick fucker!

"Jacob fucked me because I begged him to."

"Right..._you_ did."

Oh, so that's what he was getting at. The _me_ that begged for it wasn't the frigid bitch he loved.

"What did Bella Swan tell you?"

Edward sighed. "She blames herself...and _you_."

"Who do you blame?"

"Jacob...and myself."

"I hate you, Edward Cullen."

"I love you, Bella Swan."

-({})-

"You need some more Morphine, Love."

I tried to sit up but my mid-section burned in protest.

"No, Edward. I need to keep my mind clear. The pain killers make _her _come through stronger. You know when it's _her_ and when it's _me_, right?"

"Of course. I'll make sure to stay close so that you don't- she doesn't indulge in any destructive behaviour again."

Edward rubbed his cool fingers against my feverish back and I sighed. His touch nearly erased the burn.

"What hurts, Bella?"

"I'm fine," I lied terribly.

"Please be honest, Love. I can't help you if you're dishonest about your symptoms."

"I'm sore in...my...I can't say it."

Edward's eyes widened and his lips formed into an "O".

"I don't want to be examined but I'm worried that I need stitches."

"Do you want me to look at it for you?"

"No. Yes. I don't know."

"Bella," Edward said tenderly and pulled the stiff cotton sheet away from my body, "I won't hurt you. Please don't be embarrassed?"

I nodded and met his eyes, trying not to reveal any emotion.

I felt his cold fingers prying my lips apart and I scooted closer to his face.

"I don't smell fresh blood, however I'm going to need to put my finger inside to be certain nothing was ruptured. Are you comfortable with that?"

"Um, sure?"

His cold finger pressed into me slowly and accurately until it hit my cervix. I shuddered and moaned.

"Does it hurt?"

"Nope!"

Edward removed his finger and met my glare cautiously.

"You just finger fucked me because I asked you to do it. Now you're a rapist too."

"Go to Hell, Bella."

"Already there, Edward."

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**A/N - Um, did I mention I love reviews?**


	13. Lion and Lamb

**Author's Note: Some dialogue in this chapter quoted from Twilight and New Moon. As always, characters and quoted dialogue are the property of Stephenie Meyer. I do not profit from this fanfic and no copyright infringement is intended.**

It took nearly three weeks for my abdomen to heal and now I had an angry red scar. Strangely enough, it reminded me of my caesarean scar...except the body I currently occupied never had children.

Edward was acting as gloomy as ever, following me around like a hateful if not loyal puppy. He would stick to the shadows so he wouldn't have to speak with me. It was fucking annoying.

The most frightening thing was I really had no fucking clue who I was anymore. Isabella Flanagan's life now felt more like something I had read in a book than Bella Swan's did. If I was truly going to commit to becoming this girl, I would have to figure out what happened in this reality to create me. I was scared as shit of disappearing though.

"Edward," I sighed.

He chose not to respond.

"Come here, okay? I need to talk to you."

Nothing.

I decided to burst into tears, because men hate it when women cried, especially pansy-assed vampires.

"Are you in the closet, Edward?" I sobbed hatefully.

"No," said a muffled voice from under my bed.

I was frustrated and lonely but it nearly killed me to be weak like this. I couldn't allow him to have the upper hand on my emotions. I would never let Edward hurt me again.

_What the fuck?_

Where did that errant thought come from? Edward never hurt me, he hurt Bella Swan. Right?

Except, all of the sudden, I could see it clear as fucking day; when he left me in the woods. I could smell the trees and the wet earth. The look in his eyes: worse than hate, he gazed at me with casual disinterest as he explained that he was leaving.

_"I'm no good for you, Bella."_

Yes that's what he said at first...until it became: _"You're not good for me, Bella."_

"Why did you leave me, Edward?" I asked cautiously.

"I didn't leave you. I'm under the bed."

"That's not what I'm talking about. That day in the woods, the way that you looked at me-"

My body shook with violent sobs as I cried for Bella Swan, the broken girl who lost her mind so easily. It seemed that I had found it.

"Bella," Edward snapped and appeared at my bedside with perfectly rumpled hair. "I'm not falling for this act."

"It's not an act. Give me your hand," I pleaded while he glared hostilely at me. "Please, Edward. Bella needs this. Trust me, okay?"

He placed his hand palm down on the bed. Instantly, I flipped it over and traced gentle lines over his skin, like Bella did in the meadow.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb," I said pathetically.

"Bella, stop!"

"Why?"

"You're taking a beautiful moment and perverting it to suit your will."

"I'm trying to remember! Why won't you play along?"

"Because it's not a game to me, Bella."

"I need the truth, Edward, for my own edification. Why did you leave me that day in the woods? Did you really want me to have the chance at a normal human life or was it something else?"

"You know why I left!"

"I'm not entirely sure. Your eyes in my memory tell a different story than what you claim. Are you that good of an actor?"

"I must be, for you to believe me so easily."

"I feel...sad. You won't touch me but you won't leave me alone. What am I to you, Edward? I don't understand why you do___n't just fuck off. You obviously hate me."_

He pulled me against his cold chest and brushed the tears out of my eyes.

"I could never hate you. You frustrate me and even frighten me a little bit but never doubt my love for you."

"What were you thinking about the day...that you left me. How were you able to say those things and look so coldly."

"I was thinking about how much I hated myself for putting you in the position that I did. I never should have allowed myself to get close to you. I knew it couldn't end well but I couldn't help myself, Bella. I've never felt this way before. I was obsessed, I am obsessed with you."

Edward stopped speaking, leaving his monologue quite unfinished. To my shock, he pinned me down on the bed and kissed me roughly. His mouth was cold and dry but still delicious. I tried to offer him my tongue but he refused to let it get close to his teeth. Instead, he veered away from my lips to kiss down my neck.

"I feel so vulnerable," I said cautiously. "You could so easily destroy me, Edward."

He pulled away from me and said, "I never let myself get out of control when I'm close to you."

"That's not what I meant. I can't allow myself to be lamb to your lion. I need to be more than that."

His brow knitted. "You're everything. What more do you need to be?"

Slowly, he started kissing a line down my collar bone to my breast. He took my nipple between his lips with a very gentle suck.

"I love you, Bella. I want you...right now."

"No, Edward."

Yeah, that surprised him. "You...don't want me?"

"You know I do. Your motives confuse me, however. Why do you suddenly want to fuck me?"

"I want to make love to you because I love you."

"See, that's bullshit. You want to claim your territory because Jacob took my virginity."

He growled and punched a hole though the wall...the concrete wall.

"He took advantage of you. I could kill him for that!"

"I took advantage of him. I took advantage of both of you."

"What do you need, Love. How can I fix things between us?"

"Well, first I need to talk to Jacob and explain my decision to him," I said as gently as I could. Edward let out a feral hiss and spit a wad of venom into the wall just above his punch hole. That shit ate through concrete like acid.

"Jacob is in love with me, Edward. I owe him an explanation."

"What do you plan on explaining to him?"

"Why I can never see him again. If I'm going to commit to this, I have to commit to it fully. I want you to change me Edward. I want to be a vampire."

**Author's Note: This story is now available on Twilighted with some edits. Tish Phoenix is also working on a story banner which I will post shortly. She is so my bitch!**


	14. Bad Romance

**Author's Note: Some dialogue is taken from New Moon and Eclipse. This dialogue has been perverted in this chapter and taken out of context. No Copyright infringement is intended.**

_I want your love and I want your revenge  
You and me could write a bad romance  
-Lady Gaga_

"Tell me your demands again?"

"There is only one. I want to be a vampire like you."

"I won't do it."

"Then I'll be braying on all fours for Jacob Black."

"You're a bitch."

"Bite me."

-({})-

"Bella? Bella?"

I opened my eyes and was inches away from Edward's face. He had no pores.

"You have no pores," I told him.

He looked disappointed.

"Was I gone?"

"No," Edward said sullenly. "You didn't go anywhere."

"Did you call me a bitch?"

"Absolutely not," Edward seethed, looking frazzled. "You were talking to yourself."

"Will you make me a vampire? It's the only thing I really want. I'll give you anything in return."

He let out a slow puff of air and shot me his best, tortured-demon-with-a-soul, baleful glare. "Is this what you dream about, being a monster?"

_Oh shit, what's my line?_

"Um..." There was something that I was suppose to say. "No, I dream about being with you forever."

His eyes were suddenly full of longing. "I wish that I believed you," he muttered pathetically.

"Please? It's the only thing I want. Please?"

"So many things I wanted to give you and this is what you demand? How can I live with myself, Bella? I can't damn your soul."

"Oh, see that's not a problem. I'm not a Christian. I don't have a soul."

Again, his eyes were tortured. I was getting more than a little annoyed. "Edward," I said tenderly, pushing his hair out of his eyes - weird, his hair felt like wire, not soft at all - "must you always look like someone is shoving thumbtacks under your nails? Can you lighten the fuck up for a second? You're channeling Luke Perry."

"My demand is matrimony. Marry me and I'll change you."

"Marriage is a stretch for me. I won't do it unless I get something in return."

"I didn't realize there was anything else you wanted."

"Fuck me?"

Finally, Edward cracked a fucking smile! "I offered you that only moments ago and you rejected me."

"Oh, right. Yeah, that was a reflexive response. I was trying to stick to the script. Nope, I just want to be a vampire. I'll marry you in exchange for your venom."

Edward frowned. "This won't work."

"Sure it will. Give me the fucking ring, already."

"No, Bella. I need both of you to agree to marry me." He was wrestling demons again, wearing that expression of severe and painful constipation.

"You're so Dylan Mckay, it's not even funny."

"I need to think things through. This isn't a good plan. I'll be under the bed."

"K. I'm calling Charlie." My contacts window on my cell was populated again...good thing. "Hey, Dad. It's Bella. Could you please call me? No one's been by to see me in a few days and I need you to bring Jaco-"

Suddenly my precious iPhone was flying across the room. Edward's face, inches from mine again, contorted as he struggled against some violent response. He grabbed my wrists with his hands and blood pooled instantly beneath the skin.

"Ow."

"I won't allow you to see him. You belong to me."

"Possessive much? I told you I'd marry you and will live up to my promise, however I have to see Jacob first."

"That's a deal breaker," he said sharply.

"That's not very Edwardly of you. Here are your options: marry me, fuck me and change me; or leave now and never come back."

"You forgot about option number three," Edward growled, his eyes now a bottomless black. He grabbed me and held me against his chest, inhaling the skin under my ear.

"What are you doing?" Suddenly I was terrified.

"Uncorking the wine. Tasting the bouquet." His tongue drew a minty cold line down my neck to my breast. It was erotic and disconcerting at once.

"I've already been uncorked." I suffered from foot in mouth disease. Certainly I had a death wish. Shit, I think he was going to kill me.

"Mmm, you smell so good. I just want a little taste."

-({})-

Edward was kissing my neck and it was heaven. I let out a contented sigh and said, "I love you. Please don't stop?" My hands became fists in his hair and I pulled him away from my neck to kiss his mouth. My lips formed around his at first, but soon, I couldn't resist pouting my lower lip which he caught and sucked.

"I was thinking," he managed between kisses. "There's something that I want to try."

"Anything," I said and he pulled away. "Anything but that!"

He smiled and explained, "I want to taste you."

"Ooh-kaayee," I drawled, not quite understanding his intent. "Um, a blade might be hard to come by in here. Is there a way you can bite me without injecting venom? I can try biting myself." I bit into the white flesh of my forearm but couldn't summon the will to draw blood. "It's no good."

"Bella," Edward said smoothly, pulling my arm away from my teeth. "It's not your blood I crave."

Carefully, so as not to irritate my scars, Edward moved his hand down my navel to the fly of my jeans. With one hand on my face, he deftly undid the button and lowered the zipper slowly, tooth by agonizing tooth. My breathing hitched and I couldn't help but tremble in anticipation, still unsure if I fully understood exactly what he craved. Surely he didn't mean what I thought he did? The speed he employed was agony. I was desperate to know what he was thinking but was afraid of breaking whatever spell he was under.

"You're too desirable for your own good," he whispered and lowered his face to my tummy. His kisses started as gentle feathery caresses over my freshly healed scars. "I'm so sorry...so sorry he hurt you. I'll never let him hurt you again."

He lowered the jeans over my hips and I wriggled, overtaken by lust.

"Please, Edward?"

"What do you want, Love?"

"I want you to taste me. Just like you said."

I lifted my legs in the air so that he could pull the jeans off. To my embarrassment, fluid started leaking out of me, soaking my white panties.

Edward's nostrils flared as the scent of my arousal registered with him. In a flash, he was at my crotch, groaning, "You're so wet."

"Sorry," I mumbled.

"Of all the ridiculous things to apologize for!"

I closed my eyes, having absolutely no idea what to do. My involvement would likely only end in an injury so I remained passive, enjoying the torturous ecstasy of Edward's cool breath near my clit. I nearly squealed when I felt something cold and wet press into me through my underwear. Was that his tongue?

A moan escaped my lips and Edward responded by ripping the panties open at the seams. I practically liquefied.

"Please, Edward. Don't stop?"

"I wasn't planning on it, Love." He pushed against the sensitive virgin skin of my inner thighs to expose my core to him. My thighs started to tremble as he said, "Just a little taste. I'll be very careful."

At first I wasn't quite sure if his tongue actually made contact with me, it was so light. But then he darted it out against my clit and I just about screamed. My legs encircled his head and without realizing it, I was pushing his head into me with my heels.

"What do you crave more, my body or my blood?"

Edward pulled away from me suddenly and his eyes narrowed. "Bella?"

"Why did you stop? Did I do something wrong?"

He held my head between his hands and said, "I thought Isabella Flanagan had taken over for a minute, I apologize, Sweetheart. I fully intend to finish what I started. I need to ask you a question first."

"What is it?" Suddenly I was alarmed by the serious expression on his face.

"Isabella Swan," he whispered taking my hand. He crouched beside my bed on his knee and continued, "will you marry me?"

For a moment I didn't move. I was overcome with an emotion I didn't understand: Rage.

He left me. It was so easy for him because I wasn't good enough. I'd never be good enough.

"Why are you asking this now?"

"Because I love you, Bella. I want to be with you forever."

"I don't believe you," I said with a conviction that was staggering. Edward Cullen did not love me...and I no longer trusted him.

**Author's Note: Are you more confused than ever? Reviews are better than Edward's tongue. I wouldn't want venom near M****rs. Sphincter's Next Door Neighbour anyway.**


	15. Random Conversations

**Author's Note: I'm hearing voices again! Here's what they have told me:**

"Edward, you can't stay under my bed forever."

"I have nowhere else to go. You are my life now."

-({})-

"Dr. Banner, how do I get put into solitary confinement?"

"That's a strange question, Isabella."

"Really? Certainly it's not the strangest question you've gotten today."

Dr. Banner sighed deeply and put his notepad down. "Who are you avoiding?"

"Edward Cullen."

"The vampire."

"Look, I really don't care that he's a vampire. Dude is obsessed with me and until I can figure out how to get away from him I won't have a moment of peace."

"He's stalking you?"

"Somehow he gets by the White Coats and hides under my bed." Hmm, that did sound sort of crazy.

"How do you suspect he's eluding hospital staff?"

"He's stealthy like a ninja."

"So you believe he's a ninja?"

"No!" I was getting frustrated. "Can't a crazy person make a simile without being accused of having a delusion?"

Having no other option I could think of, I burst into tears. Male doctors hated this even more than pansy-assed vampires did.

"You seem distraught today," he mused.

"Well, thank-you Dr. Obvious. Care to make any further astute observations?"

He looked at me flatly and said, "I think you may do well on Effexor. We'll have to wean you off the haloperidol, though."

"Sure, sure. That sounds fine. Now how about solitary? Also, I demand constant surveillance because I'm a threat to myself and others," I blubbered.

"Isabella, I understand that you feel unsafe. It's only natural considering the traumatic events you've suffered. Do you really believe that indulging your delusions of persecution will be helpful?"

"Yes. Yes, I do."

-({})-

"Billy, I need to speak with Jacob," I demanded after the fifth ring.

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea, Bella."

"Please, Billy. It's really important. Could you please tell him I'm on the phone?"

He took a laboured breath. "Haven't you done enough to my boy? The kid hasn't left his bed for over two weeks."

Now my breath caught. "Is he ill?"

"Your mind is unwell, Isabella. Sometimes, this kind of sickness can spread from person to person like a virus."

"You can't catch 'crazy'."

"I'll tell him you called."

The line went dead.

-({})-

_Thank you for calling Forks Community Hospital. For patient inquiries, please press one. To reach a member of our staff, please press two._

Two.

_If you know the extension of the person you are trying to reach, please press one. To use our dial-by-name directory, please press two._

Two.

_Please enter the name of the person, last name, followed by first name._

C-U-L-L-E

_One match found. For Dr. Carlisle Cullen, please press one._

One.

_Hello, this is the personal and confidential voicemail of Dr. Carlisle Cullen. Please leave your name, number and the best time to reach you. Myself or a member of our staff will return your call shortly._

"Carlisle," I hissed into my cell, "You need to speak with Edward because I think he's gone loony-toons. He's been under my bed for like a week now and he's covered in dust. So, yeah...he kind of smells too. Anyways, a little help would be just peachy. Oh, this is Bella, by the way."

-({})-

"Hey, crazy girl," boomed an obnoxious voice.

"Hi Emmett. Why do I have your cell number?"

"Same reason all chicks do."

"Um, because I crave vampire cock?"

"Shit, Bells. You really have gone rat-house psycho."

"Yeppers. Look I left a message for Carlisle but thought I'd try you too. Can you come get Edward? He's really starting to freak me out."

"What's wrong with him?"

"Well, he's currently taken up residence under my bed. Um, he follows me around proposing marriage and either he wants to drink my blood or eat my pussy. His ramblings are becoming indecipherable."

"Shit, that sucks."

"Yeah, totally."

"Alright, I'll gather the usual suspects and drag his ass out of there."

"Hey, Emmett?"

"Yeah?"

"Why do I have your cell number?"

"Because you're warm for my form."

"Sigh. Where have all the real vampires gone?"

-({})-

_Ring, Ring, Ring!_

"Hello?"

_Muffled voice._

"Hello?"

"Blaaah?"

"Edward, is that you?"

"Yes-" _Static._

"Are you seriously calling me from under the bed?"

-({})-

_Ring, Ring, Ring!_

"Hello?"

_Silence._

"Shit, seriously? Could you get the fuck out from under my bed and promptly go to Hell!"

"I'm not under your bed."

"Jacob!"

_Sobbing._

"Please don't cry, Jake. I really need you."

"Wha- what can I do?"

"I'm thinking jail break."

"No, Bella. I won't do it. I almost killed you."

"Please, Jacob. I need to talk to you."

"So talk."

"In person. Please, Jacob?"

"Bells...you need to stay in the hospital."

"No. I need to be with you."

"I- I- can't."

"Please?"

"No."

"Alright, Jake. I understand."

"Bells...I love you. I love you so much."

"I love you too, Jake."

"I can't bust you out, though."

"I know. It's okay, really."

"I just...it won't help you get better."

"I understand."

"And...I could hurt you."

"It's fine, really."

"Bella?"

"Yes, Jake?"

"Wait for me outside. I'll be there in twenty minutes."


	16. Cowgirl and Indian

Carlisle arrived before I could begin to form a plan to get outside.

"Thank fuck!" I yelled and grabbed him by his White Coat, trying to keep covert. The watchful harpies at the nurse's station were not to be trusted. "You're wearing the wrong coloured coat. Only the nurses wear white over here in crazy town."

"Why didn't you call my cell phone, Bella? I would have been here faster." Carlisle was apologetic.

"What's faster than warp speed? You ran the whole way in like ten minutes without a pretty blond hair out of place. You fucking suck!"

"Dr. Cullen," A particularly slutty White Coat greeted, batting her greasy eyelashes. Carlisle looked embarrassed as he nodded politely. She was flanked by lesser ranking Coats, and she all but bared her teeth in an angry hiss when they directed their droopy lusted eyes at Carlisle.

"Don't mind the Bitches of Eastwick." I had to be careful about what I told Carlisle. His thoughts were not safe from _Under-the-bed-Ed_. "Please just get Edward the fuck away from me."

Carlisle was torn as he dutifully explained, "He swore he'd never leave you again. He's trying to live up to his promise." He picked up my chart from the nurse's station and beckoned me to follow him into one of the meeting rooms. furtively, I glanced at the clock. Jacob would be outside in minutes.

"No! Deal with Edward and then come back and see me tomorrow. I'm going outside for a smoke. Please, Carlisle, make sure he doesn't try and follow me? I haven't had a moment of peace in weeks."

"I'm wrestling with my better judgment here, Bella, however I'll keep him away from you for at least the next fifteen minutes so that you can have a break-"

"Bella, wait!" Edward could not be evaded. He fucking sucked too!

"You fucking suck!" It had to be said.

"You can't leave the ward, Bella. It's not safe. If you must have a cigarette, I'll come with you."

"I fucking hate you." I spat...literally. I hawked a loogie at him. He wiped his face and grabbed my arm.

"Son," Carlisle interjected, "Let go of her."

"That's right, Asshole. I called your daddy."

"Go," Carlisle ordered. Shit, he didn't have to tell me twice. I fucking bolted.

-({})-

I was barely out the door when Jake's bike pulled up near the Emergency entrance. I ran as fast as my zombified feet would carry me.

"Stay on," I screamed and mounted the seat without breaking stride. Jake pulled off his helmet and handed it to me. The bike was still in first and he seemed to consider turning off the engine.

"Go, go, go!"

He opened the throttle and kicked into second. We lurched forward and the rear wheel skidded, but we pulled away quickly, trailing black smoke behind us.

I had to admit, I felt like a fucking Rock Star, with my mad rodeo skills.

"Where are we going," I yelled into Jake's ear after about twenty minutes of nothing but trees and mountains.

"Just hold on and don't worry."

Shit, I could do that. With one hand on his chest, I wound my other hand around his hip and placed it firmly on his cock.

"Take me home, baby. I need to feel you inside of me."

"Fuck," he swore and kicked the gear awkwardly, stalling the engine. We drifted to the side of the road and I jumped off.

"What the fuck," he yelled, tossing the bike away from his body like it was made of plastic. "What are you doing to me?"

"Um, pleasuring you?"

He smiled coldly and looked up at the trees. "Well, aren't I fucking pleased!"

"What's wrong? Don't you want to fuck me?"

"Shit, Bella. You're killing me here. Could we just calm the fuck down for a second?"

I might have growled a little. "Don't be such a pussy. I want to fuck!"

"No, Bella."

"Yes!" Who the fuck did he think he was? "Get your pretty ass over here, Black." I grabbed a handful of his hair and dragged him forward.

"Let go of me, Bella."

"Not until I get mine."

He glared at me and it was so fucking hot. I tore open his shirt and pounded my fists into his chest. He stumbled backwards and I continued my assault pushing him against a tree. I tried to snake my body around him but he would not give. It looked like I would have to use my secret weapon.

I started to cry. As much as pansy-assed vampires hated a crying woman, I knew it would make an Alpha-dog feel like a man.

"I'm so sorry, Jake," I sobbed and hurled myself into a fetal ball. My mood swing seemed to catch him off guard.

"Come here," he rasped and wiped the tears out of my eyes. "I love you so much, Bells. Just calm down, okay?"

His sudden concern was disarming.

I nodded and shoved my snotty face against his bare chest. He pulled me down into the grass and stoked the back of my head. The air was cold but I felt so warm pressed against Jacob. An unexpected sweet calm started to lull me as he hypnotically rubbed my back and rained gentle kisses over my forehead.

Suddenly, I knew there was something that Jacob needed desperately and only I could give it to him.

"Sit up, Jacob. I won't attack you, I promise."

He sat up and I cuddled into his lap, straddling him cowgirl-style. I looked into his beautiful eyes and said, "I love you, Jacob. I've always loved you best." I inclined my head slowly and met his mouth with my gentle kiss. It was sweet but exhilarating. We sat in the forest and did nothing but kissed and caressed. The sun set and the moon rose.

I hadn't even noticed any time had passed at all.

**Author's Note: I stole "Under-the-bed-Ed" from Untraceable because it was fuck-awesome and I know she'll love me anyway. If you review me, I'll send you a hairy orgasm in the form of a preview of the next chapter.**


	17. On the Lamb

**Author's Note: I've Posted a complete playlist on my profile for this story. The music expresses the emotional climate of each chapter.**

_It doesn't hurt me.  
You wanna feel how it feels?  
You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?  
You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?_

_And if I only could,  
Make a deal with God,  
And get him to swap our places,_

_Be running up that road,  
Be running up that hill,  
With no problems._

-Kate Bush, Running up that Hill

-({})-

Blood. So much blood everywhere. It was getting really hard to breathe but I had to keep breathing because there was something I was suppose to remember.

"This isn't real," I gurgled.

"I'm gonna cut that pretty little tummy of yours to ribbons. Fucking slut!"

-({})-

Just a dream, I told myself and extracted myself from Jacob's arms. I really didn't want to. Jake groaned and tried to draw me back against him.

"We fell asleep, Jake." I lit a cigarette and took a deep drag and exhaled downwind. He was starting to rouse, rubbing his eyes with his fists. I hugged a tree to take my morning piss, cigarette still dangling from my lips. I was such a fucking lady!

"Bells?"

"Pissing! Just a sec."

"Shit," Jacob said, still digging the sleep out of his eyes. "Billy's gonna freak. Charlie too."

"Yeah, I didn't exactly formulate a plan. Crazy people aren't very organized...unless they are OCD, which I am not."

"We need a plan," Jake agreed and pissed on a tree of his own. It was sweet that we were publicly urinating together.

"We can't go to your house, Jake. Billy won't like it." I pulled twigs out of my hair as I said this. We needed money!

"Jake, I have an idea. Do you have a credit card?

"Yeah, Amex loves giving credit cards to eighteen year-old natives with no jobs."

"Fascist assholes!" I sneered. "No worries. All I need is twenty bucks. Can you swing that?"

"Yeah..."

I grabbed my phone and sent a text to Alice.

_Tacoma Downs, sixth race, Trifecta._

"Watcha doin'?"

"Playing the ponies. We need to get to Tacoma, like now." I kicked Jake's butt to emphasize my point but suddenly found myself distracted.

"I could spend the rest of my life worshipping your ass. It's the most beautiful fucking thing I've ever seen in my life."

"Sure, sure. You say the same thing about Edward."

"Nah, Edward's face has got nothing on your ass. It makes me wish I had a cock so that I could fuck it."

Jacob laughed at this and bent over for me, giggling like a schoolgirl. "You really are one crazy bitch, Bells."

"Yeah." I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my tits against his butt. Suddenly my phone was ringing.

"Ahoy-hoy?"

"Bella, where are you?" Alice demanded.

"On the lamb."

"On the lamb," she repeated in disbelief. "Well the lion is about to have a cow. Edward is mad with worry. Bella, how can you do this to my brother?"

"He's making me crazy, Alice. I needed some space."

"I can't see you."

"That's because we're on the phone." Alice was crazier than me.

"No, silly Bella. Your future is all fuzzy and unclear. I can't get a picture of where you are." She paused for a moment and asked, "Did you get a pet?"

I looked sideways at Jacob. "Um...sort of."

"I smell dog."

"He's very well trained." Jacob took his shirt off and flexed his muscles for no reason that I could think of other than to tease me. I flashed my tits at him in response.

"You must get back to Edward, Bella. This is not the right path that you're on. It's like you're a train that jumped a track and now you're heading in the wrong direction."

"Oh, let's play the metaphor game! It's like I'm Bizarro to Superman. I'm the Anti-Bella!"

Alice huffed with impatience. "That's a simile and an allusion, not a metaphor."

"Takes one to know one!" I retorted. Oh, Jake was now mooning me. So fucking sexy!

"Here's your winning trifecta...I hope I'm doing the right thing here; TwilightsNewMoon, MidnightEclipse and BreakingDawn"

"You're fucking shitting me, right?"

-({})-

We were like Bonnie and Clyde! We ran away from the pay window towards Jake's illegally parked bike a full $820.00 richer!

"Well, babe. What do you wanna do now?" Jacob's smile was so gorgeous it was a sin not to lick him.

"I want to go to fucking Disney Land!" I proclaimed and stuck my tongue in his ear.

"Really?" His face was suddenly full of childlike hope.

"Ah, sweetie. Sadly no. We don't have that kind of money. How about some pizza and a hotel room?"

Jake strapped the helmet under my chin and placed a kiss on my nose. "I want you so much Bells. I'm so fucking in love with you I can't even think straight."

I lifted the visor off of my face and said, "Kiss me, Jake? Make me forget that I'm a nut-job and this is all going to end badly?"

He pressed his sexy, puffy mouth to mine and groaned, kissing me sweetly. I brought my hand up his thigh to remind him he had a cock and the kiss took on a life of its own. We battled each other with our tongues and mine proved to be the submissive female to his Alpha.

"I need to be inside you." He lifted me on the bike and pressed his erection into my stomach.

"Let's go, Jake." I swung my leg over and he mounted in front of me.

I wrapped my arms Jacob's sublimely muscled chest and counted his protruding abdominal muscles as we flew down the chilly Washington freeway. Pressed up to the heat of his body, I wasn't cold at all. In fact, I think I was happy. The contrast of cold air on my face and his delicious heat was not unlike sitting in a hot tub outside in the dead of winter.

Nothing made sense anymore. I craved Jacob with a voracity that was unlike anything I ever knew. Also...I suspected that I might actually love him a little. More than I should.

Whoever I used to be, it didn't matter. I wanted to be Jake's version of Bella now. I'd give anything to be that girl.

_You're going to die, Bitch._

I wasn't listening.

_I'm gonna cut you to ribbons._

Nah-ah. I was safe. Jacob made me safe.

We pulled into the nearest Motel Six and I started sobbing.

"Keep me safe, Jake. Don't let them get me?"

He looked puzzled but smiled with a reassurance I couldn't help but trust. "I'll keep you safe, Bells. Nothing will ever hurt you when you're with me. Just promise me you'll stay with me?"

If I only could.

**Author's Note: Are you more confused than ever? There is a method to my madness, I swear. I appreciate all you crazy fuckers who have stuck with this story so far. If you're a crazy fucker like me, let me know in the form of a review.**


	18. White Rabbit

**Author's Note: I recommend you visit my playlist (see my profile) and play White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane while reading this chapter. Trust me! Warning - legal pharmaceuticals are used "off label" in this chapter. I do not condone drug abuse. I do however condone lemons and here's one now. If you do not like lemons then why the fuck are you reading this?  
**

**White Rabbit - Jefferson Airplane**  
One pill makes you larger  
And one pill makes you small  
And the ones that mother gives you  
Don't do anything at all  
Go ask Alice  
When she's ten feet tall

And if you go chasing rabbits  
And you know you're going to fall  
Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar  
Has given you the call  
Call Alice  
When she was just small

When men on the chessboard  
Get up and tell you where to go  
And you've just had some kind of mushroom  
And your mind is moving slow  
Go ask Alice  
I think she'll know

When logic and proportion  
Have fallen sloppy dead  
And the White Knight is talking backwards  
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"  
Remember what the dormouse said;  
"FEED YOUR HEAD"

Memories hovered on the precipice of my consciousness however I was quick to squash that shit. I knew the voices that were hissing urgent whispers in my ear were not to be trusted. All that existed in this moment was Jacob and the tawdry Motel Six which was to be the backdrop for his undoing. He swiped the card in the slot and the door to our room opened. Insert euphemism here.

"Pizza?" Jake asked, even though he had to know food was the furthest thing from my mind.

"I need a shower. I smell like stink." My voice was laced with innuendo. I'm not sure why we were playing games when we could have been fucking already. I lifted my shirt off and lowered my pants rather unceremoniously and beckoned him to follow me into the bathroom.

"Bells," he gasped.

"What?"

His face was horrified. "Your stomach... "

I pulled him into my arms. "Shh, I forgive you." I dragged his hands across the healed-over wounds. "All fixed," I cooed.

"Bella, I'm concerned...what was that shit you were saying before about someone being after you?"

"No, Jake. Stop it. I have something for you to try." I removed his shirt and handed him several white 1mg doses of Ativan that I retrieved from my discarded pants. "Take four," I urged and dropped eight under my tongue.

"What's this? What are you doing?"

"I'm calming the fuck down. Trust me, Jake. This will make everything so much easier." I pulled the shower faucet to scalding and ducked under the stream.

"Alright...lemme just get some water."

"No, dissolve them under your tongue.

With wide eyes, he obeyed me. Didn't even question what pills I had handed him before slipping them in his mouth. "Now what?"

"Get naked. Make me forget that I'm a crazy bitch. Fuck the crazy out of me." I brought his hands to my breasts and kissed him, tasting the slightly bitter note of the meds that still lingered. He groaned into my mouth and pleaded with his tongue to gain deeper entrance. I pulled his tongue further in with a suck until it practically grazed my throat.

"Arngh," he whimpered and that's when I noticed he hadn't even taken off his pants yet. His jeans were soaking wet. With trembling hands he struggled out of the wet denim, wriggling the material over his hips. I lowered to my knees to give him a hand while just fucking marveling at the miracle that was his skin. It was nearly a deep, flawless copper with hardly any hair marring the perfection. I had neglected to notice how perfectly muscled his legs were the last time I had him in the buff. His thighs were thick and hard, his calves perfectly defined and his ass...I simply needed to write a haiku about his ass. A thousand painters could paint for a thousand years and not accurately portray its lusciousness... or, was that a thousand monkeys typing for a thousand years could write Shakespeare, given enough time and opportunity? Alright, I was pretty fucked up by now. Monkeys were composing soliloquies in my head.

"I'm lacking perspective. I feel very small and you're so big and strong." Water streamed down my hair and droplets were blurring my vision as I knelt before his gold. I wrapped my fingers around his slick cock. My hand appeared positively dainty in context with the beast. "Do you feel like you're fucking a midget?"

His face was dazed and delirious. He smiled a brilliant white flash; a shooting star. "No Bells. You're perfection. The most fucking beautiful girl I've ever seen. I can't believe you want me. Do you have any idea how fucking sexy and gorgeous you are?"

I glanced at the fogged up mirror. Meh, I was alright. "Just don't tell me how 'I don't see myself clearly'. If you ask me, everyone else's perception is fucked-up in this hallucination. I'm just an ordinary girl. Vanilla."

"Vanilla, huh?" He took his cock in his fist and urged my head forwards. "What flavour am I, then?"

I licked the head thoughtfully. "Dark chocolate and chili pepper. Sweet, bitter and hot." I sucked harder and heard him gasp and moan in response. He tried to push himself into me but I choked.

"Sorry, Bells. Too much?" he asked sheepishly.

"Very big. You know that it's way bigger than average, right?" It really did look like a third leg although my perception was altered unnaturally.

He nodded and turned away from me. "Yeah, I know I'm a freak."

_What? No!_ "Are you on glue?"

"I don't know what I'm on, Bella."

"Just tranqs. Dude, you're being ridiculous. That's like being ashamed of...fuck, there's no equivalent."

"You're so small," he mused.

"You're a fucking massive beast and I love it. Now fuck my lilliputian pussy!"

With an eagerness that took my breath away, he lifted me so that our faces were level and I wrapped my legs around his waist. His lips found mine again and we took turns battling for dominance with our mouths and tongues. It was a battle I gladly claimed defeat in. I reached behind my head and turned off the faucet.

Still dripping, he carried me out of the shower and lowered us both onto the bed. "Are you wet for me, Bells?" he asked and then pushed a finger inside of me. I moaned and bucked into his hand.

"I need it so badly. It's aching, Jake. Only your cock and stop the ache."

He grunted and spread my legs wide. I was more than receptive. He buried himself nearly balls deep upon the first thrust. "You're not so big that a real woman can't handle you," I moaned sort of smugly.

"Not so big?" I was rewarded with a deep and hard thrust that should have impaled and sliced me in two. But it didn't hurt at all; it was heaven. I dug my feet into his hips, trying to draw him into me at a more frantic pace. He rocked at my desired tempo, never unsheathing his dick more than halfway before pushing himself back in to the hilt.

"I love you." His voice was husky and reverent. The words sounded like prayer.

I wanted to reply with something equally devout. "I need to come. Make me come!"

"Come for me, sweetheart."

I propped myself up on my elbows for leverage and met each of his thrusts with one of my own, howling in rhythm with the smack of our hips.

"Oh, fuck!" he swore and started to tremble. "I'm gonna-"

My pussy milked him, contracting during his ejaculation with an orgasm of its own. So sweet and so hot. I rode the waves of my bliss and writhed against his cock, mewing and crying until the beautiful spasms inside the walls of my pussy had quieted down completely.

He collapsed on me, whispering words of love and devotion into my hair. His gentle kisses transformed into contented sighs and settled into snores. Sleep found him so quickly that we were still joined.

I rolled from under him and disengaged. His seed dropped out of me and all over the motel sheets. Curling up against him I sighed, reveling in the silence. Our afterglow coupled with the sweetness of the drugs was the oblivion I sought. For the moment, I was at peace.

-({})-

My fucking iPhone would not shut up.

_Beep beep beep._

Since when did my phone beep?

_Beep beep beep._

"Jake," I moaned, not opening my eyes, "Pass me my phone."

_Do you remember your name?_

"My phone, Jake." My eyes remained squeezed shut. "Why did you turn on the TV?"

_Open your eyes, Bella._

"Pass me my fucking phone!"

_Beep beep beep._

-({})-

The room was dark when surfaced after fighting my way from out of a nightmare. Jake was snoring loudly beside me, blissfully cuddling into my back. Carefully, I climbed over him and grabbed my phone.

_Text Messages: 5_

_New Text from Unknown: Call Alice_

_New Text from Pansy-assed Vampire: Where are you? Please, Bella?_

_New Text from Pansy-assed Vampire: I'll fix things. I swear. Please Bella?_

_New Text from Pansy-assed Vampire: I don't want to break my promise but I can't live like this._

_New Text from Emmett: Went to the hospital. Can't find Edward. Where is he?  
_

_Response from Bella: Go ask Alice. I think she'll know._

* * *

**I love all of you sick fuckers who keep reading and reviewing BBS. You guys are fuck-awesome.**


	19. Gone in 60 mg

**Author's Note: I am so complete fail. I'm sorry! I've been concentrating on my other story, Imprinted, and have neglected Becoming Bella Swan. I promise more regular updates.**

_Hi, you've reached Edward Cullen. I am unable to take your call. I'm sorry, however it couldn't be helped. I'm on my way to Italy to beg the Volturi to kill me. Depending on the date and time of your call and with a little luck, I may already be dead. Don't bother leaving me a message, there's really no point._

Hmph. That was not a good sign. "Hi, um, Edward. So, yeah, please don't kill yourself for me? Look, I'm just at this motel taking care of some unfinished business and I was going to come back and find you. I really hope that you're not dead. Don't die, okay?"

I tiptoed outside of the motel and lit a cigarette. I exhaled into the direction of a buzzing yellow light and watched the smoke tumble and twirl, dissipate and disappear. I felt like that puff of smoke.

My mind was numb, but again I was struggling to escape a memory that threatened to drown me; swimming against a strong undertow of despair. I couldn't draw the right amount of air into my lungs.

I took another lazy drag and pursed the smoke between my lips so that I could text Alice: _Come get me. We need to save Edward bec-_

Alice grabbed the phone out of my hand. "Shit and fuck and stuff," I managed with a yawn. I was still pretty stoned.

"I don't approve of the company you are keeping, Isabella. The dog renders me blind." Alice pivoted in her ballet flats. "You should never stand beneath a fluorescent light. It does terrible things to the complexion." She frowned and looked at my eyes. "Chasing the dragon?"

"Don't you breathe?"

"No." She lifted me onto her back and started running.

"Shit and fuck and stuff!"

-({})-

"Alice," I yelled, my voice stunned. We were flying through the woods and she felt so unsubstantial beneath me. I squeezed my thighs like a vice around her ribs. "I can't hold on."

"I have you, Bella. We need to get to the airport before he leaves." She ducked a branch, dropping me with her and knocking the wind out of me. I was a half-second shy of a decapitation.

"I- I need to speak with Edward," I choked. The wind made it difficult to speak but somehow, I had to be heard. "Alice, I can fix this."

She stopped running. "So you're back." She dropped me carefully to the ground and whipped out my phone, dialling Edward before I could take a breath to speak. "He's not going to believe it's you."

"I'm not sure if I know who I am," I admitted. "I do know that I love your brother more than anything else in the universe and I need him to understand that."

"What about the bitch who is inhabiting your body?" Alice snapped my phone and hit redial. "He's there. He's frightened to speak with you," she explained and listened for his voice while glaring at me with unconcealed hostility. Again, she snapped the phone and redialled. "Everyone has choices, Bella. The future is always changing based on our decisions. You fucked-up. We're on the wrong path."

A sob ripped through me. "He left me," I said pitifully. "I had no choice. How could I possibly survive without him after knowing his love? I was torn apart."

Before I could say another word, Alice shoved the phone to my ear. "Edward," I breathed. "Please?"

"Please what?" His voice was cold and empty. "Make this quick, I have a plane to catch."

"Edward, it's me! You have to believe me. I'll do anything you want. Just...please!" The gravity of the situation struck me like a bolt of lightning. My own self-pity would be the death of him. "I love you, Edward Cullen and I will not let you die. If you step foot on that plane, understand that I will follow you. I will follow you to the edge of the earth and if you throw yourself off, I will follow still. You left me before and I accepted it. I won't this time. If you die, I die. Do you understand me, Edward?"

I heard a sharp intake of breath and nothing else.

"I- I can't promise to be sane or rational. Hell, I can't even promise that _she_ won't be the next Bella you see. But when you do see her, kiss her, Edward. Kiss her because_ I'll_ still feel it."

"I need you, Bella," he said softly. "I thought that I could be noble and step aside. Certainly I would if that's what you truly wanted."

"Is that what you're doing, Edward; Giving up your life to step aside? Neither of us would want that, how could you even consider doing such a horrible thing to me?"

"I'm sorry, love. The loathing in your eyes destroys me. I...I always told you that I couldn't live in a world where you don't exist. Well, it seems I also cannot live in a world where you don't love me. You're my universe."

"Edward," I pleaded. "I need you. Don't give up on me? I'm still here. There is no such thing as a world where you aren't loved by me."

He expelled air into the phone like a shaky breath. "Bella," he whispered fervently. "I'm coming home. Meet me at my house."

-({})-

"I will Edward, I-"

I choked as a tube was shoved down my throat, churning up the contents of my stomach. The pain was vile and I had vertigo. No longer on my feet, the moon transformed into an overhead light and I was on my back, tied to a stretcher. My eyes rolled back into my head.

"Stay awake, Bella!"

I couldn't. My eyes would not open.

"How much did she have?" a male voice inquired blandly.

"60 mg, at least. It shouldn't be lethal. What concerns me is how did she access an entire bottle?"

The tube was retracted in the same moment I was pushed forward towards a bed pan. My lips parted and vomit spewed from me. I didn't even feel it.

"Who gave it to you honey?"

"I fucked a _White Coat_ for it," I confessed, my voice all gravel.

"Do you know where you are?"

"No. I've got no fucking clue. Don't tell me."

-({})-

"Bella?" I forced my lids apart and was back with Alice. "Where did you go? You were gone."

"I- I was somewhere else."

"That concerns me. If you disappear then...perhaps we're all wrong."

I nodded. "I know." I touched her face. "You don't exist, Alice. I'm so sorry."

She scowled at me. "Don't be an idiot! Of course I do. It's you, Bella. You don't exist."

**Author's Note: Bella Swan just confessed that she is present and aware when Bella Flanagan takes over. Review me and I'll send part of the Jacob lemon from Bella Swan's perspective. This is a difficult writing exercise so please allow a day for delivery! Also, Edward fans...if you're still with me, Edward is making a comeback in the next chapter.**


	20. Stop me if You've Heard This One

**Author's Note: The duo-perspective lemon had to be incorporated into this chapter! There's something vaguely "Being John Malchovich" about it.**

Alice left me alone in the woods since I no longer existed.

I was trembling in terror as I stared at my arms, trying to figure out if I was fading. I looked a little fuzzy around the edges but it could have been all of the medication Bella Flanagan made me take.

I curled up on my side and lay against a tree, waiting for the unknown to claim me, for whatever dreams that may come. Instead, I was assaulted with a memory.

_I'm surprised they left you behind. Weren't you sort of a pet of theirs?_

This was when I ceased to exist, I was sure. Edward's voice was in my head, imploring me to fight for my life, to convince the French nomad that the Cullens would return. Half-heartedly I listened to the ghost in my heart, threatening Laurent of Edward's return. I didn't really care, though. I couldn't summon the fear to spike adrenaline through my veins. Sweet relief swam through me because so soon my suffering would be over. Laurent would bring me peace.

_This is nothing personal, let me assure you, Bella. Just thirst._

"Fuck you, Laurent. Just kill me already and get it over with, asshole!"

I was no longer me.

-({})-

Edward pulled me into an embrace but I could barely feel his cold arms around my chilled frame. "I don't exist," I muttered, drawing in shallow gasps of air. "Laurent killed me. I died."

"No, Bella," he insisted. "I can feel your heart beating beneath your skin and hear the rush of blood in your veins." He drew his hand down my neck and I shuddered at the touch. There was something vaguely erotic about the desperation in his caress.

"Alice..."

"Alice lied."

"No. I died. I remember."

He carried me as gracefully as he could. I was in shock. A complete dead weight. We were silent for some time and eventually I drifted into sleep. I tried to fight against it, fearful that I would never resurface.

-({})-

From ice into fire, the scene transformed behind my eyelids. Was it memory or perception?

"Alright...lemme just get some water." Jacob was speaking to me but his eyes were focused about a half inch off kilter. Vaguely, I was aware of being in a shower.

"No, dissolve them under your tongue." Somewhere behind my eyes, I watched Jacob obey _her_...the bitch inside my brain. Sometimes her words shocked me into complete submission and I would retreat into the darkest corners of my subconscious. Other times I was certain she was confessing my most private, terrible desires and ugliest of thoughts.

_Look at me, Jake? I'm in here. Don't take those pills!_

"Now what?"

"Get naked. Make me forget that I'm a crazy bitch. Fuck the crazy out of me."

_Oh, crap! Edward, I'm so sorry._

I couldn't bring myself to hate Jacob even though I knew I probably should. His love and desire for me was so intensely passionate and pure, I knew he was the victim in this messed-up scenario more than I was. And, also, despite everything I loved him. More than I ever should have allowed myself to.

Electricity flowed between us. His kiss found me and when his tongue entered my mouth, the moans that were drawn from me were mine as well as _her's_. His hands on my breasts nearly set me on fire. I wanted to push him away and hold him closer all at once.

_Jacob. I love you, Jacob. Please stop kissing me._

_We_ dropped to our knees and a thrill ran through me as _we_ pulled the denim down his legs. The sigh that my lips expelled was all me. A lifetime ago, before I lost my mind, I told Jacob that I thought he was sort of beautiful. In truth, I should have told him what I was really thinking. He was the most beautiful human boy in the world.

Jacob gazed at my naked body and I would have folded over in embarrassment if not for the raw want in his eyes. I tried to look away from his- from the evidence of his desire for me but _she _wouldn't let me. "You're perfection. The most fucking beautiful girl I've ever seen. I can't believe you want me. Do you have any idea how fucking sexy and gorgeous you are?"

He took his pe- um, erection in his fist and offered it to her...to me. Thank goodness she closed her eyes when it entered my mouth. He groaned and thrust deeper into my throat, gagging me. Instantly he pulled away while she rambled on about his size. It did seem very big to me but I didn't have much basis for comparison. Like the rest of him, it was beautiful.

He nodded and turned away from me. "Yeah, I know I'm a freak."

_What? No!_ _You're warm and sweet and wonderful. Oh, god, I love you so much. This has to stop now!_

I'm not sure which one of us reached for him next but our lips found his easily. His full mouth against mine was heaven and hell, all at once. My undoing was the elation in his kiss, the pure joy in his eyes. Between kisses there were smiles, caresses and words of love. She was feeling tender towards him now too. Flanagan and I were at war with each other, of that I was certain. She wanted Jacob and I wanted Edward. But it wasn't that simple either because we loved both of them in different ways. She was so full of hatred towards Edward that she wouldn't let herself love him. I was able to forgive him since I understood his motives, however misguided he was in leaving me.

I loved Edward so much. I needed Jake.

If I wanted to, I could have retreated into the darkness and let _her_ take over. But I was so overcome with need; too much. It was too much. The ache deep within me could no longer be ignored. I wanted him inside of me, every which way.

He held my thighs, spreading them apart slowly. His eyes widened in awe at my parted lips. Again, I would have been mortified at the exposure if I didn't know beyond a shadow of doubt that Jacob loved me and would never hurt me.

He pushed himself deep within me and I cried out in astonished pleasure. Flanagan was moving our body, but I was the one Jacob was making love to. Each thrust of his hips extended beyond her and inside of me.

The desperation was apparent in his movement. He was trying to find me and draw me back to the surface.

"I love you."

_I love you too, Jake. _

-({})-

I was lying on a white chaise lounge near a cream piano on a bone coloured rug that was draped over bleached hardwood floors. Everything was fucking white!

"The decor is kind of ironic," I mused and stretched. Edward shot a look of annoyance at me and played a half-assed rendition of _Quando Men Vo_. "La Bohème. Really?"

"Not your taste?" he said coolly.

I snorted. "Ha! I'm about to fuck with your universe." I looked casually at the music and thought briefly back to Alice and Bella Swan's little confrontation. "If this was a Greek play, Alice would be the Chorus. She's the only one with any fucking insight at all." I hummed a couple of notes. "Does your Bella ever sing in Italian, Edward?"

He ignored me and started play louder. I took a deep breath and sang, "Quando men vo soletta per la via, la gente sosta e mira e la bellezza mia tutta ricerca in me."

Edward stopped playing.

"Bella isn't very musical, is she?"

He cleared his throat. "She has a lovely singing voice...she always did."

"Ah-huh. Can she sing opera?"

"If she wanted to," he said defiantly.

I sat at the piano. "Could she play?" Edward quickly covered the keys.

"That's enough, Bella."

I smirked. "Stop me if you've heard this one. A girl gets attacked by a vampire and winds up in a mental institution. She asks her doctor 'will I be able to play piano?' and the doctor replies, 'Of course.' Do you know the punch line of this sad little joke, Edward?"

He swallowed thickly but did not respond.

"Well that's fucking cool because I couldn't play it before." Instantly he pulled me away from the piano.

"What's your point, Isabella?" he growled.

"Alice told Bella she does not exist. Personally, I believe you should never bet against Alice, however I think you need proof. If I can play the piano, then I'm real. If I can't, she is."

He released me and we both looked at the keys with unease.

"Let's do this," he agreed.

**Author's Note: Theories? Are there any Team Flanagan fuckers out there or do we hope for Edward's whiny little slut to emerge? Ah, I do love Bella Swan. She just needs some balls! Review me and I'll be your best friend! Oh, and I'll send a preview.**

**Also, here are two lemons I recommend:**

**Edward Lemon - The Courtyard » by la-tessitore**

**Jacob Lemon - Onside Kick by wordslinger**


	21. That was Just a Dream

**A/N - Lyrics to Losing my Religion are the property of REM. Bella Swan and the Twilight universe belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Isabella Flanagan is me...I think. Maybe?**

_What if all these fantasies  
Come flailing around?  
Now I've said too much..._

_REM - Losing my Religion_

Edward led me to the piano and I leaned against him for support. Suddenly I was terrified.

"You don't have to do this," he said smoothly. He wasn't being smug, I think he was afraid that I would have a meltdown. I wanted to be haughty and brash but couldn't face the implications of what would happen if I failed.

"I don't want to play Quando Men Vo. Do you have the music for Losing my Religion?" He put his arm around me gently as I continued to stall.

"Alice has the Tori Amos version. Will that suffice?"

I shrugged out of his embrace and tried to imagine my right hand on middle C. "No, I want the REM version."

"Alright, let me write out the music for you." He fetched composition paper from within the piano.

"N-No. Just tell me the chords."

He gave me a sideways glance. "I can tell you the bass and treble clefs at the same time but I doubt you'll be able to keep up. The speed I'll have to speak at would be inhuman."

I sat down at the keyboard and put my thumb at middle C and splayed my fingers, playing a chord. He sat down beside me and started banging out the bass line.

"D, E, D," he said.

I played the first three notes but it didn't sound right.

"That was a C, Bella." He moved my thumb over and coaxed my index finger for the second note. I played the D on my own."

"Do you want to continue?" he asked gently as I glared at the ivories.

I started to tremble but nodded quickly. I played the first three notes again and then stopped, having no clue how to continue. "I- I can picture myself playing this. I can sing this."

My hands formed fists and I pounded on the keys, wracked with a grief so profound I could not name it. "I have to play it..."

"Shh, Bella," Edward whispered and wrapped his arm tentatively around my shoulder. "I'll play it, shall I?"

I watched his fingers move gracefully over the keys, praying for some sort of recognition but every key he hit was a mystery. I sang softly. At least I could still sing. "_Life is bigger, it's bigger than you and you are not me. The lengths that I would go to_. "

My voice broke from a sob but Edward kept playing the music softly. "Keep singing, my Bella," he pleaded but I lowered my head in defeat. With achingly perfect clarity he sang the next line in parody of himself.

"_Every whisper, of every waking hour I'm choosing my confessions. Trying to keep an eye on you; like a hurt, lost and blinded fool. Fool."_

I shook my head and brought my fingers to his lips. He kissed them. "I swear, she's real. She _has_ to be real."

"_But that was just a dream. That was just a dream_."

"Edward." I stood up from the bench. I couldn't listen to the music anymore. It was too beautiful and each note destroyed me. "Edward, stop."

He closed the keys and pressed his chest into my back, leaning down to mutter, "I know who you are." His voice was a cool whisper in my ear. A shudder of breath that broke through every layer of resistance.

"I'm Bella Flanagan..." I explained, "...and Bella Swan. We are the same person. "

"Chicken or egg, love. Who came first?"

A flash of memory hit me like a bolt of electricity.

"The Swan."

-({})-

I was in the woods. Laurent's eyes were virtually afire with thirst as he took slow steps towards me. When we were nearly shoulder to shoulder, I met his curious and ravenous gaze and saw my face reflected in the sanguine pupils. I was smiling.

"No pain," he promised.

"Not anymore," I whispered and closed my eyes. He inhaled my hair and lowered his face to my neck. The pain that I anticipated in my jugular, met me square in my chest instead. I exhaled in a cough as the wind was knocked from my lungs in a burst.

Suddenly I was on my back and a massive wolf was nuzzling my cheek. My breaths came in shallow gasps, but I reached my wrist over to the wolf. "Lunch," I gasped. Shit, this would be much more painful of a death. The reddish-brown wolf lowered his head into his paws and let out a high whine. "Do it," I said more urgently and I swear, he looked sad; like he understood every word I said. I recoiled away from him and dragged myself towards Laurent.

"Kill them already, Laurent. What are you waiting for?"

"No." His voice was pure terror. "It can't be." He backed away from the largest wolf, while the red wolf returned to my side, his head was down in a submissive bow.

"Make it quick, okay?" I begged. He pushed his muzzle against my arm, trying to shepherd me away from the vampire. I let him, there was something sweet and familiar about him and I almost laughed at my own insanity. He exhaled hot puffs of air at my cheek and almost soothed me. The large wolf rumbled a low growl and instantly, all of the wolves lunged after Laurent and, to my utter horror, he ran away.

"No! No, no, no! Give me back my death!" Instantly, I was on my feet again. I chased after the wolves and Laurent, running, tripping, screaming and bleeding. My instincts were backwards.

"This is supposed to be the end," I whimpered when I could run no longer. I collapsed on my side against an uprooted tree and let out a primal scream, begging for it all to be over. All of this time had passed since Edward had left and still, I was lost in the woods, mourning for the ghost a love that should not have been. He wanted me to believe that he never existed. Perhaps he didn't. Perhaps I didn't. Maybe I never left the woods. Maybe Sam never found me after Edward left. Maybe I died here.

I closed my eyes and dreamed of death. When I awoke, the red wolf was back and he was crying. He sat down beside me and morphed into Jacob.

These things don't exist. Vampires, lycanthropes...me.

I closed my eyes and dreamed of waking up.

**Author's Note: Are you still with me? Excellent. You're my favourite person in the whole universe. Review me, because I'm really into that shit. Hell, maybe I'll send a preview.  
**


	22. When Swans Cry

**Author's Note: Warning - this chapter contains a disturbing scene. I do not go into graphic detail, but still. Oh, and I also make a potentially libelist remark about McDonalds. If any lawyers of the franchise powerhouse are reading this (hello!) please note that the views expressed by Isabella Flanagan do not necessarily reflect the views of BellaFlan. Happy Meals rule. Ahem...**

_How could you just leave me standing  
Alone in a world that's so cold - Prince, When Doves Cry_

Shit, I was so lost it wasn't even funny. How did I get this far off the road? "Jacob," I called. "C'mon, boy. It's really fucking cold out."

I dialed my iPhone with numb fingers. "Hey, Deb. Are you sure you saw him over by the pond? The woods are dark as shit. I left Ethan in the car asleep which was kind of stupid, I know. Can you wait for me by the car when you pick-up this message? It's parked at the south lot."

The muddy grass around the pond was covered in some kind of bird shit. I traversed the wet grass as carefully as I could but as usual, I stumbled about like a graceless twat. There was a tension in the air that I could not name. _I'm fucking freaking myself out_. It's not like I was afraid of the dark or anything. I knew there were no unseen demons lurking. Nothing usually scared me at all. Trouble always just avoided me, like the fates knew better than to fuck with Isabella Flanagan.

A sudden commotion in the bulrushes made me jump with another start. "Shit! Jake, is that you?" A furious flutter of white and a terrible honking and hissing sound responded. It was a fucking swan, of all goddamn things. A fucking swan was hissing and spitting at me! "Calm the fuck down, dude. I'm not after your eggs."

I didn't blame him though. Some assholes had broken the necks of the native swans last year. Perhaps news got around to the new batch.

Birds could be fucking vicious. A goose once attacked me for my hamburger at this very same park. Geese from this pond were fed McDonald's so much by well meaning, but stupid suburbanites. The birds had a taste for the crappy meat now. Made them mean as shit. Interesting phenomenon, though. The same rabid response can be witnessed in four-year-olds that are bred on Happy Meals.

My shoes squashed into mud as I gave the mighty birds a respectfully wide berth. The path had disappeared about half a kilometre back and I was navigating through marsh only by the light of my phone now. "Jacob Flanagan, you stupid-ass mutt! I swear, I'll leave you to be eaten by coyotes if..." I tripped and fell forward.

"Fuck," I muttered and wiped the mud and bird poop off my hands and onto my jeans. "Stupid fucking dog."

I froze at the sound of sloshing footsteps.

"Hey, darling." A voice materialized from behind me. I pulled myself off the ground but got kicked back down onto my knees. "Get on all fours, pretty thing."

_No fucking way_. No fucking way was this asshole going to fuck with me.

"What do you want?" I tried to speak calmly but had trouble controlling the hysterical timbre in my voice.

"Ah, shit, baby. Don't be like that." He flashed something metal in my peripheral and my hysteria was replaced with terrorized shock. My limbs went completely numb with fear and my breathing quickened beyond my ability to catch up.

_Fight or flight. Fight or flight._

I never thought I'd be the damsel in distress. I always imagined that if I was ever attacked, I would somehow be brave and kick ass. I knew the rules: Never beg for one's life.

"Please?" I begged.

"Stand-up." His voice was cold now.

I stood, nearly tripping on my rubber legs. "What do you want?" My voice sounded like it was coming from someone else. _Not me. This couldn't be happening to me._

"Take your pants off."

"Please," I begged. _This shit doesn't happen to me!_

"Take them off or I'll cut you."

He pulled me off the ground and pressed the tip of the knife into the small of my back.

-({})-

"Jacob," I whispered. "You were a dog."

That wasn't what I meant to say. I wanted to know why he was crying and also, what happened to Laurent. In addition, I was very curious to know more about the canine thing, because that was fucking weird. And shit, I knew weird.

"Laurent. Is he..." Surely, they didn't kill him? I tried to speak again, to ask how long he had been a wolf for but everything felt frozen. I couldn't form an intelligent thought.

"Bells? You're freezing." He lifted me into his arms. "How long have you been in the woods?"

How long had I been here for? Something happened to me. What was it?

"I never left. I've been here forever. Like Cathy and Heathcliff, I wander the woods with Edward's ghost."

"Shh, Bella. You're going to be fine. I think you have hypothermia or something. I'm going to take you to the hospital."

"The morgue, Jake. I died."

-({})-

This didn't happen to me. I shut myself off, refusing to feel. I heard his voice but didn't really listen.

"I'm gonna cut you, bitch. Look at me!"

I couldn't. It wasn't real.

-({})-

"Put me down," I sobbed and raked my nails over his skin. "I was supposed to die today. Give me back my death!"

"No, Bells. I won't let you die."

I allowed Jacob to carry me through the woods but I was a limp, dead weight in his arms. My body lolled like a ragdoll. I looked up at the canopy of trees. I could not blink.

"We need to get back to the car," I mumbled. "Ethan's asleep. I left a message for Deb but..."

"What are you talking about? You're not making any sense."

"Put me down." My voice was weak but my desperation cut through the silence. In my head I was screaming.

"Shh, Bells. I need to get you to the-"

"Put me down, asshole!"

-({})-

Edward gazed cautiously at me. "Your memory has holes."

"I'm too tired, Edward. I don't want to think anymore."

"You're so close to remembering. I know it's difficult but I think it's important." His voice was warm, even if his hands were cold. I laced my fingers through his and sighed.

"Jake saved me from Laurent..." I started to cry like a pansy.

"I'm so sorry." He pressed his forehead to mine and kissed my nose.

"How could you leave me? Edward, how could you do it, you stupid fuck? None of this shit would have happened."

"I'm so sorry," he repeated, desperately trying to sob but it sounded more like a honk.

**Author's Note: Some brilliantly clever fuckers nominated me for the Twific Indies in two fucking categories! Joking aside, 'fess up so I can thank you properly. Also, I'd like to welcome my new mastabeta (yeah, I used that stupid joke) Jkane180. She's brilliant and writes the hell out of a lemon.**

**Also, I have an SOB contest entry called Swan Dive. If you like it, please vote for it. If you don't, well shit. wordslinger has two entries and I spank the shit out of my monkey to Onside Kick. It's hot.**


	23. Truth, Lies, Omissions and Attrition

**Author's note: My apologies in advance to Team Jacob girls. Most of you know, I play for both teams. Don't be hating. Also, please note that I've been a bad girl. I've posted without a beta. I'll fix all of the mistakes Jess finds tomorrow. It's way past my bedtime.**

He looked so broken and dejected. I suspected that he was even more messed-up than me. "Cruelty is not my intention here, Edward." I wrapped my fingers around his hand again. "Don't cry, or whatever it is that you're doing to make that god awful sound." He rested his head against my shoulder and nodded lightly.

"How can I atone for what happened between us?" His eyes were so sincere.

"I want to know the truth." I didn't let go of his hand but was careful to keep my eyes hardened as I spoke. He needed to know that I would not waver on this. "You've lied from day one about what was going through your thick skull on the afternoon you left."

"Bella, I've told you everything. Why are you doing this to yourself, love? To torture me? I guarantee you that I suffer worse torments in my own mind. There are more important memories you must work on uncovering-"

"Fuck a duck!" I screeched. "Stop it! Stop being so goddamn melodramatic. Unless I'm mistaken, this isn't an episode of Dark Shadows. Let's have a real fucking conversation here, Edward. I'm going to ask you to be truthful and you are to answer me plainly."

He looked astounded. His bottom lip had dropped, being torn away from its mate by his jaw. With raised eyebrows, I patted the underside of his chin and he obliged by closing his mouth.

"Edward," I sighed. "For every truthful answer you give me I will remove an article of clothing. You get to choose what I am to remove. Agreed?"

"No. I'll give you your truth but you- you owe me nothing."

"As you wish. The offer still stands." Edward took several steps away from me and collapsed on his couch in a very human posture. "Why did you leave me?"

"I was afraid that you would die an untimely death, living a life with vampires. I wanted you to have a chance at-"

"Stop! I want all of the answers you haven't already given me. Not that I'm accusing you of lying, Edward. I'm accusing you of not telling me the truth. What are you omitting?"

"You told me I lied..." He was confused.

"You lied about telling me the truth about everything. You didn't. You never actually spoke lies, though. No. Are you confused?"

"Yes."

"Did you edit or omit any of your thoughts to me at any time when I asked you about why you left?"

"I did not."

I nodded. "Shall I remove an item of clothing?"

"No, Bella. What else do you want to know?" His eyes were fixed on my stomach.

"Why did you tell me that I was not good for you."

"I- You were. Good. I said that because I wanted you to hate me."

"You're omitting the truth again. Remove your shirt."

He appeared affronted by my request. "I never agreed to remove my clothes."

I rolled my eyes (sorry but I really needed to roll my eyes here) and demanded, "Really? Are you in any position to deny me anything? Consider it an act of attrition."

"Do you mean contrition?"

"Um, I don't know. What does attrition mean again?"

"Wearing down by friction." A smile nearly played on his lips.

"Hm, I think I meant attrition then. Give me your shirt, pansy-ass." I reached my hand out just as he tore his shirt off of his torso, sending buttons flying everywhere. He was nearly hairless and defined by lean muscle. I wanted to press my skin against his suddenly, but the need wasn't completely driven by lust. Swan was ever-present in me now. These were her questions, her demands, not mine. She needed me to be the interrogator though as she didn't have the strength for this confrontation. "Edward," Bella whispered through my lips and my mouth curled up into a smile. "I love you. Answer our questions, okay? I don't mind taking my clothes off for you either. I've lusted after you long before Flanagan ever came along."

His answering smile was dazzling (sorry, sorry, sorry, but it really was dazzling) and he pushed my hair away from my face, cupping my chin is his hand. "As you wish."

"Why was I not good for you?"

"My love for you makes me weak. I've never felt so frail, not even when I was dying in Chicago or when I suffered the change into vampire; I've never been so vulnerable or terrified as I felt when I thought James would kill you before I had a chance to save you." He gasped for air needlessly and continued, "Again, I was terrorized when Jasper lost control. Thoughts of suicide play in my head every day now, because I know that I can't live without you. I hate feeling this way."

My eyes filled with moisture. "Do you regret ever meeting me?"

"No, Bella." He pulled me tightly against his chest and leaned into my ear to whisper, "Not for a second." His cool tongue darted out against the pulse point on my neck and drew a line to my collar bone. "I want this shirt off. Now."

I nodded, my entire body shivering with need. I stepped back and pulled the shirt over my head.

"What else do you want to know? I'm desperate to get that bra off of you."

"Why did you want me to forget you ever existed?"

"Because I never should have existed. I should have been stronger and left you alone. I took great pride in your want of me when you denied all others. It made me feel like less of a monster, when in truth, I was by far the worst threat to you. If my love for you was truly as selfless as I thought, I would have been strong enough to leave you alone. I'm not strong at all."

"You were pretty upfront all along about 'being a selfish creature' or whatever. The bra is coming off now. Would you like to keep it?"

"Yes please," he whimpered.

My nipples were so erect they practically hurt. I was desperate for his touch but he would have to wait just a little bit longer.

He grasped my bra into his fist and inhaled. "You smell like Jacob Black."

"Um, yeah. These are my questions right now." Crap. I totally did smell like Jacob Black. Oops. "Why did you look at me with hatred? Just before you turned away and left, your gaze shifted from indifference to hate. You told me back in the hospital that it was because you hated yourself. Please be honest with me this time, Edward. Did you harbour any of that hatred towards me?"

He looked positively ashamed. "Yes," he admitted in a small voice.

I nodded. "Thank you for giving me the truth. Should I take my pants off now?"

"Won't you allow me to explain?"

"You don't need to, Edward. I understand already. I am the only person in the world with any real power to hurt you. You're more afraid of me than even the Volturi."

"Only of losing you. I couldn't help being angry, feeling ill towards you in that singular moment. I'm not infallible, Bella. I directed my anger outwardly toward you. I lashed out. I'd never quite felt pain so intense in my life as the day I forced myself to leave you and I didn't know what to do with the excess of emotion. Never, in my wildest dreams, did I expect you to have noticed a microsecond of misdirected anger. Is there any way in heaven or hell you could forgive me?"

"That depends. I kind of fucked Jacob Black again."

He flinched. "I know.

"Do you forgive me?"

"Yes, Bella. He's human. I understand that there are things that he can do for you that I may not be able to. As long as he didn't hurt you, I will not object to your relationship with him."

"Um, okay?" I didn't see that one coming.

"Bella. Do you forgive me?"

"Yes, Edward. All I ever wanted was the truth. I think I can work through this mess now that I have it. Thank you." I threw myself into his arms, probably bruising my sternum from the impact.

"Let's take a shower, love. I want to get the smell of dog off of you."

"Yeah, I'm tired of smelling like werewolf. I'd like to smell like vampire for a while."

**Author's Note: The first person who names the vampire from Dark Shadows gets to choose a sexual position for an upcoming chapter. Any position you wish, and I'll have to write it. Meh, even the second or third person to name him can throw a position my way.**

**Shameless Pimping: I read one of the best fanfics ever. It's called The Deluded by FantasyMother. The author is uber-talented and super-responsive to reviews.**

**Speaking of which, won't you review me? Please?**


	24. Breaking Dawn

**Author's Note: Ahoy-hoy to you crazy bitches who followed me over here from Twilighted. BTW, according to Urban Dictionary, Pink Cookie is indeed a pussy word. Just saying. Thanks to my beta and my apologies in advance to Jacob girls. I adore Jacob but Edward's been hanging out under my bed, just begging for his own lemon. **

**The Dark Shadows vamp is Barnabas Collins. Sexual position provided by ****AngelinaBallerina17**** with runner up creds going to my favourite Zombie girl Raven Jadewolf. Edward shares your imagination. ****untraceabel**** chose one too and although she was way late, I just can't say no to her.**

"You're sure, Bella." Edward's voice was strained, and so were his pants.

"Of absolutely nothing." I undid my jeans and left them in a heap on the living room floor. "You said something about a shower?" Oops, I wasn't wearing underwear. It's hard to keep track of undergarments when one is busy have a breakdown. _Dr. Shapiro doesn't believe breakdowns exist_.

"Oh, fuck." He approached me cautiously, his eyes dipping lower. "You're not wearing clothes. Not a stitch."

"Sorry," I muttered and flushed like a virgin. Which I wasn't. I'd been, you know, touched for the very first time already. "Um, can we go upstairs because I'm not keen on the idea of your family bursting in on us." I held out my hand and he took my arm like a proper gentleman.

"I'm going to fuck the smell of dog off of you," he growled and pushed me up against the glass wall.

Perhaps he wasn't a gentleman after all.

"Wait!" My ass squeaked against the glass as he drew back. "Do you hate me? Is this vengeance sex? You seem slightly out of character."

"Vengeance? No, Bella. I would never hurt you like that." He lifted me into his arms and I wrapped my legs around his waist. In the glass, our reflection seemed almost tender. But there were scratches along the surface, refracting the light and bouncing colour. For a moment, the image had me transfixed.

"I fucked another man. Don't you hate me?" The hairline crack almost appeared to be sprouting new veins before my eyes. I blinked and the line snapped back in on itself. Edward's hand pulled my face to his so that our eyes were level. The golden orbs were lightly speckled with freckles of green.

"The situation has me outraged but I blame no part of you. I am culpable for setting the wheels in motion that led you into the arms of another. There's so much I should have given you, Bella. I've failed you time and time again. I'm weak."

"So fucking weak," I agreed. "I do love you, though. I don't want to, but I do." I nearly forgot to breathe as his eyes bore into mine. "Edward," I whispered. His lips made contact with mine for the briefest moment and I whimpered against him, both from want of his mouth _and_ self-loathing. I was being assaulted by wave after wave of Bella Swan's guilt. The crack in the glass was just a fissure in my mind. "I've done nothing but hurt and humiliate you since you came back. My heart is torn in two; I can't lie about it. I love both you and Jacob. This is not a good situation."

"Bella." Edward's voice was kind. He stoked my cheek as if I was the most precious thing in the universe. "Really, I did mean it when I promised I wouldn't make you choose."

I opened my mouth to speak but caught my tongue on Bella Swan's words. She wasn't going to miss this for anything in the world. I wouldn't let her miss this.

-({})-

Edward set me down on the ground and I flushed crimson.

"Take me upstairs, Edward," I begged. I pulled my clothes off the floor, trying to shield my nudity in case the Cullens returned home unexpectedly. Still, I smiled with encouragement at him, to make sure he didn't doubt for a second how much I-the real me-wanted him. "Please, make love to me? I've never wanted anything else as much. I want you so much, please?"

Edward smiled against my lips and graced my mouth with a feather-light kiss. "Of course, my Bella. I'll give you everything you want. We'll go slow, okay?"

I frowned and wrapped my limbs around his torso so that he could carry me upstairs. "Not too slow," I whispered. I detected the most delicate shudder when my breath hit his ear.

The living room transformed into his bedroom. The flight up the stairs happened faster than my mind could comprehend. He set me down and followed me to the en-suite.

Edward's bathroom did not have a bathtub which would have been nice. It did, however, have a European shower with around ten shower heads and a full length bench. Of all the times I had been here, I had never before examined the bathroom.

I grabbed a towel and wrapped it demurely around myself. My shoulders automatically slumped as I caught sight of my face in the mirror. Utterly pale and ordinary as usual, but also, I literally looked crazy. My hair was in such disarray it appeared backcombed.

"What's wrong, love?" Edward tried to draw me back into his arms but I was too humiliated.

"I look - I mean, look at me!"

"I'm looking," he said, smiling. He peeled the towel away from me and growled. "I want to kiss every inch of you." He knelt before me and pressed his cheek against my stomach. "So beautiful."

I allowed the towel to drop to the ground and groaned involuntarily when his cool lips made contact with my skin. Curiously, he began exploring my body by kissing my feet and calves. My thighs started trembling when he reached my knees. "Shower," I gasped, wanting to remove all traces of Jacob's scent from my body before he continued.

An image ripped through me before I could stop it: Jacob. My legs wrapped around his hips as he drove himself into me. He was whispering how much he loved me.

_Poor Jacob_. I started sobbing. This situation was all very wrong.

"What's the matter, Bella? Did I hurt you?"

I shook my head. "I need you, right now, Edward. I don't want to go slow."

He turned on the shower and stripped out of his clothes faster than my eyes could register. "I promise to be fast, then." He stood proudly before me, grinning and then his smile faltered. "Um, strike that last comment...and please don't make me say any pussy words."

Now I was laughing. "Where in the word did you learn all of those words from?"

"The internet, of course."

The water hit our bodies and I noticed that the droplets didn't seem to absorb into his skin the way they did mine. Water beaded and fell from him without leaving any trace of moisture behind. He was utterly untouchable.

"I'm not sure what to do, sweetheart. Please tell me what you want?"

"Just do what feels right," I said shyly. He didn't move and I started feeling stupid. "-Or not. I guess if you don't feel desire for me yet we can go slow."

Anger flashed in his eyes. "You think I don't want you?" he growled. I nodded. I really did think that. "I want to fuck you, Bella. I don't simply want to be tender. When I look at you right now, all I can think of is fucking you."

A delicious hot wave of lust shot straight to my groin at the word 'fuck.' Boldly, I wrapped my fingers around his marble erection and slid my hand up and down like Isabella Flanagan would. _I need you, Flanagan_. She did not take over but came to me in the form of a whisper. _Get details...And stop acting like a whiney slut. If you must fuck Edward, the least you can do is own the fuck. Grow some balls or whatever._

"How?" I asked and stroked his length, squeezing tightly around him. "Tell me how you imagine fucking me."

He groaned loudly and the strangest feral sounds rumbled within his chest. He sounded so much like the monster he claimed to be but I knew the man would overcome the bloodthirsty demon.

"I've thought about doing it to you in every way and every place imaginable. On the hood of the Volvo on the side of the highway," he panted and cupped my breasts in his hands, gently squeezing my nipples between his fingers. Now feral sounds tore through my lips as I arched my back. "I imagine taking you from behind, ramming myself into you while the cars drive by."

"Tell me more," I gasped.

"I have this fantasy, Bella. We're sitting in a restaurant and you jerk me in your hand, just like you're doing right now, except we are surrounded by people. You're so fucking beautiful. Every man in the room wishes he was me...but what those jealous men don't know, is this goddess, this angel sitting beside me is actually a very wicked girl who is pleasuring me senseless. Oh, god, my Bella. I want to know what it feels like to be inside you. I want to see your face while you come."

"Sit down, Edward. I want you to be very still."

Obediently, he sat on down on the bench. I cupped his shoulders for support and hopped up into his lap, straddling his hips on my knees. "I'm going to slide you into me very slowly. Do you want me to fuck you, Edward?"

"Yes, please." His eyes were panicked. I lined up his penis at my opening and bore down slightly. Suddenly, he was all pupil. "Fuck."

"Is this okay?" I asked.

"Fuck," he repeated. "It's more than okay. I've never felt anything- Oh fuck, Bella. Please keep doing that?"

I sat down on his erection until I could go no further and then retracted him slowly out of me. Each pass was exquisite torture. I was desperate for more friction but did not want to test his self-control.

"Should I go a little faster?"

"Please," he whimpered into my hair. "Oh, yes, please."

I bore down now with more pressure and only unsheathed him half-way before taking him into me again. The walls of my pussy became impossibly slick. I was on fire for him, desperate for more friction still. I ached and only his cock could alleviate the burn.

"Faster," I gasped.

Somehow I found myself pressed against the wall with his hand under my bum. He was supporting all of my weight with that one hand while his other hand cupped the back of my head. Now he was thrusting into me, no longer moving like a virgin at all. I rocked my hips to meet his rhythm but could not keep up.

"Edward," I gasped. "Oh, please?"

I dug my nails into his neck and clung to him. I throbbed around his cock and he slowed his pace. "So warm. So beautiful." He kissed my shoulder, taking care not to get close to my pulse points. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, Edward," I cried out. He looked so beautiful and blissful I couldn't contain myself. I always felt unworthy of him but the pleasure he was receiving from my body was written all of his face. I felt more like his equal than ever before. "I'm going to-"

"Come, Bella. Come for me, please."

I think I might have screamed; the sensation inside me was so intense it nearly hurt. I dug my heels into his ass. With his preternatural senses, he seemed to feel each contraction of my orgasm because he pushed into me at the perfect rhythm, drawing every possible ounce of pleasure out of the climax before he exploded into a release of his own.

_Shit, shit, shit!_ Flanagan's voice was in my ear. I tried to ask her what the matter was but she kept screeching two words over and over again that made no sense at all.

_Breaking Dawn_.

**Author's Notes: Reviews will bring previews! And remember, if you drink, don't flame! Only sober flamers please. Why do people flame? Any ideas? I call it random acts of unkindness. Fuck, if you don't like a fanfic, then don't read it. No one is holding a gun to your head. And if they are, include it in your review. I'll call the fucking police for you.**

**Lot's of love and stuff.**


	25. Pull out!

**Author's Note: I'm on no sleep so I hope this chapter makes sense. My best friend spent the last twenty-four hours delivering her little girl without any drugs (holy fuck and why?) As I just told my beta, I gave birth the way god intended; completely numb. Also, fanfic is pulling MA stories such as this one off of their site. The truth is, I am violating their rules by posting this story. That being said, there is no option of an NC17 rating. I'm on Twilighted and will announce further postings on twitter if I am asked to remove my stories.**

Shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck!

"Get your demon sperm out of me." I tore out of the shower, trying desperately to queef his icy jizz out of my twat.

"Bella?" Edward looked horrified. Probably not as fucking horrified as me.

"Suck the poison out! Get it out!" Shit, I swear my ovary just twitched. It was too late. The fortress had been compromised. My poor ovum was being ass-raped as I stood in the middle of Edward's ridiculously decorated (see gold and taupe) bedroom.

"Bella, you're going to have to clue me in here. Breathe, sweetheart. You're hyperventilating."

"Don't you fucking tell me to breathe! You were supposed to pull out!"

"Pull out of what?"

Oh. My. God!

-({})-

**Edward's POV (Shit, was it? Does Edward have a point of view or is it mine?)**

Oh. My. God!

It was beyond anything I could ever have imagined. Bella's legs were hot around my hips; she was hot _everywhere_. The steam from the shower made her scent that much more pungent, but more than her blood, it was her arousal that had me intoxicated. I couldn't get enough.

Covering my teeth with my lips, my tongue dove into her mouth, deeper than I had ever allowed it to venture before. She cried out my name and I knew that as we made love, her sanity had returned to her.

Abandoning all impulses, save my basest desires, I pushed into her beautiful nether lips, finding a heaven that I dared not dream of before. When my seed released deep inside of her convulsing walls, I was certain I had died and somehow, Bella had saved my soul and delivered me unto paradise.

That's when everything turned to shit.

-({})-

**Back to Isabella Flanagan's POV...**

Cuts and blood. I was gasping for air between screams.

Plastic or glass had fragmented and torn into the flesh of my hands, but I could not recall from what. When the rage overtook me, all I could think to do was destroy everything that was unfortunate enough to cross my warpath. The CDs were smashed when I overturned Edward's wall unit. His television had a big ass crack through it from where I hurled his laptop. I felt badly for breaking the beautiful forty-inch flatscreen. I had been aiming for Edward's head.

"_Pull out of what_," I repeated while gasping. "What the fuck do you think, asshole? My snatch!"

Edward's hands were raised in surrender. "Please stop hurting yourself, love? I'm trying to understand what I did wrong. This was my first time...I didn't know I was supposed to, er, _pull out_. I would have, I swear, if you had told me."

His cold hand reached for my messed-up arm and I snarled. "Don't touch me."

"Let me take the glass out?" The shithead was smiling for reasons I could not fathom.

"No."

"Let me pull it out, love?" He frowned. "Strike that."

Bella's small voice was crying in my head. She wanted to comfort Edward.

"No," I said stubbornly. "Get me some tweezers and I'll do it myself. All I need is some rubbing alcohol and liquid morphine."

Edward nodded dejectedly. "May I get you anything else?"

"Yeah-I want Emmett."

"Why?" He sounded more tired than surprised by my request for his brother.

"Relax, I don't want to fuck him." The tender skin of my wrist was stinging from a shallow cut. "I can't form a fist. I can't hit you. I need Emmett to punch you in your pretty jaw."

"Will that make you feel better?" He cupped my head in his hand. Despite myself, my pussy started mewing languidly, wanting to rub up against his thigh.

"Edward," I groaned and captured his leg between mine. "I'm sorry. I don't really want your pretty face punched in. I want morphine. I want my hand fixed. I want to come again..."

He was gone, then. I took the moment of solitude to assess the damage; my arm was pretty fucked-up. It reminded me of my eighteenth birthday party. The beginning of the end.

-({})-

"What do you crave more, my body or my blood?"

"Go to sleep, Bella." Edward's eyes were sad. As if I was Alice, I could see the way the coming days would play out if I did not summon the right words. Jasper's attack had changed something integral to our storyline.

"I- I-" _Say something. Make it better! _"I love you," I managed and Edward smiled robotically.

_You stupid cunt! He's going to leave you._

-({})-

Edward extracted morphine out of a glass jar with a small needle. "It's not an intravenous but it may be for the best. I'll deliver the medicine into your muscle."

"Okay."

I lay on my stomach so that he could inject the needle into my ass. Groaning with pleasure, a jolt of adrenaline shot through my tired veins as the needle pierced my skin. It was positively erotic in a fucked-up way that only I could enjoy.

Turning back to face him, I offered my blood soaked hand and said, "Pull it out now."

He obliged. I looked away as he worked on me swiftly. The pain had dissipated however my skin was crawling with a relentless itch.

"Bella," Edward began awkwardly. "I don't want to anger you, but why were you afraid of my ejaculate?"

"Dude, I'll tell you but first, you need to repeat that question with a different word. I did not just fuck someone who says 'ejaculate.'"

His eyes narrowed as he finished bandaging my arm and hand. Moving the medical paraphernalia off the bed, he pounced on top of me like a playful cat and licked the shell of my ear. "Why, Bella?" Oh fuck, his hand reached between my legs to tease my lips. "Why didn't you want my cock balls deep in you while I busted a nut?"

"Who the fuck taught you those words, you filthy Victorian prude?"

"Emmett," he laughed. "I'm summoning my best Emmett impression for you, love."

"Stop call me 'love', you twat! What would Emmett call me?"

He nuzzled the crook of my neck and groaned, "Dirty little slut." I grunted in response and bucked my hips, trying desperately to increase the friction of his hand against my pussy.

"Yes, Edward. Fuck me, again!"

"No," he said, pulling away. "Not until you answer my question."

Growling in protest, I grabbed an over-stuffed pillow and hugged it to my body. The morphine swelled through my blood now, creating a calm that was at odds with my lust. The friction I sought between my legs was only intensified by the burning itch covering every inch of my skin. I wanted to be touched and fucked and scratched like a bitch in heat.

"Bella Swan gets pregnant in the fourth book. We conceive a hybrid...well, I guess you do. I wasn't in the book." I couldn't look at him. The moment the words left my lips I knew how stupid they sounded.

"Bella, that's utterly preposterous."

"That's what I thought when I read it, too."

**Isabella Flanagan's Note: Indie Twific Awards are now opened for voting. Many of BellaFlan's favourite authors are nominated. They are also including voting info in their story notes, imploring you to vote for your favourites. BellaFlan was going to be diplomatic and do the same but, yeah, fuck that shit. Vote for me, bitches. www(.)theindietwificawards(.)com/ and there's a live link in BF's profile. Of course, if you want to be on my bad side by not voting for my story, here are BellaFlan's favourite nominees:**

I Saw You Coming  
Love in the Time of Zombies  
Onside Kick  
Moonshadow  
Lost in Meyer  
Hell


	26. The Vampire, the Bitch and the Wardrobe

**Author's Note: Thank you for reading and reviewing. There's a lot of silent readers out there according to my stats. Please drop me a review? I'm not actually a psycho bitch. Speaking of bitches, there's two hidden jokes in this chapter for a couple of my favourite bitches. Can you spot them? Some chapters do include inside jokes and messages for people who have reviewed me...Just sayin'.**

"There! Did you feel it kick?" I swear there was a gentle swell in my belly. "I feel so fucking nauseous. Do you have a baggie of blood or something?"

Still bare-assed naked, I curled into a fetal ball around an Egyptian cotton cased pillow. Edward was wearing clothes but they were utterly ridiculous: tan cotton Dockers, a white-collared shirt and a green sweater over top. He was a parody of a Gap ad. Oh, well. At least it wasn't a sleeveless, button-down shirt. Who the fuck would wear one of those? Look, I could believe in vampires, but I refused to believe in a universe where vampires dressed in polo-style wife-beaters.

"Bella..." His voice was exasperated. "Stop it."

"No." Wasn't it a cardinal rule not to fuck with a pregnant woman? "I'm very hormonal right now and I must be obeyed."

"Fine," he acquiesced. "You want some blood, you say?"

"Yes," I insisted.

"Carlisle keeps a fridge of donor blood for guests. O-positive or AB-negative?"

"Um..." What did _she_ drink in Breaking Dawn? Okay, the blood was there in case she needed a transfusion. Was the O-type a universal donor or recipient? "AB, I think."

"Are you sure, Bella? That's awfully wasteful. It's like wine, you realize. AB-negative is the rarest of blood types."

"Okay, I'll have the O-positive-"

"Not that I would deny you the heaven that is AB-negative. I'll bring both, shall I? You can have your pick?" His expression was unreadable but my senses were heightened from having his demon seed planted in my uterus.

"Are you messing with me, Edward?"

"Completely," he smiled.

I drew a wad of saliva from under my tongue and spat it at him. He wiped it from his face and licked his hand.

"You get off on my spit, you sick bastard." That shit was messed-up! His answering grin confirmed my suspicions. He lowered his face to abdomen, using my pubic bone as a chin rest.

"I. Get. Off. On..." He kissed a line up my stomach after each word. "All. Of. You."

"I'm pregnant," I insisted, pulling him up to meet my face. He drew his tongue across my mouth and I wrapped my legs around his hips, rubbing my pussy against the bulge in his khakis. The throbbing ache that started inside my sex, now burned through my veins like a wildfire.

"You're not. Be a good girl and stop talking nonsense." His hand rubbed me in the exact spot I craved. I bore down with a moan and felt a fresh discharge of fluid pour out of my cunt and onto his fingers.

"But, I'm nauseated." I think I was...wasn't I?

"Morphine. Not spontaneous pregnancy."

"I'm craving blood," I insisted, somewhat distracted by the wondrous friction of his knuckle against my clit.

"Are you, now?" he challenged. "Shall I get you a cup? Are you ready to commit your first vampiric act?" I was about to argue, however the hand that was bringing me so much pleasure was suddenly gone. My own took its place instantly, ready and willing to take over the tedious task of bringing me to orgasm but he captured it and brought it to his belt. Gladly, I undid the pants that I hated so much. To my utter delight, he had on leopard print briefs. His rock-hard cock was no match for the thin silk and his head burst through the elastic, all sparkly and shit.

"Woah! What's with the pretty panties?"

"I thought you'd approve. I guess, you could say you bring out the _Edward Flanagan_ in me." I didn't have the heart to tell him the wide grin on my face was at his expense. The underwear was hilarious as all fuck!

"Take them off. " I giggled maniacally.

He did that super-speed thing and was instantly naked. He stroked his length and graced himself with a couple of firm pumps, before taking his palm to my dripping cunt.

"Which Bella wants to fuck me?"

"Flanagan."

"Excellent. Ride my cock, you dirty slut."

-({})-

The room was dark when I awoke and disorientation had claimed me. "Edward," I muttered, groping in the dark for him. The space beside me on the bed was vacant, save for two envelopes. Shit, where the fuck was my phone? It was so convenient for offering a little light when I needed it.

A string of obscenities that would make Eminem blush tore through my lips, when I accidentally put my weight on the injured arm to get out of bed. By the time I managed to fight my way to the light switch on the wall, my eyes were already starting to adjust to the dark.

My iPhone was charging on the one shelf I had not destroyed. My cold heart shuddered slightly in my chest. Edward had found a USB to charge my phone with? That was the sweetest fucking gesture. Shit, maybe I would blow him once I figured out where he was.

On the front of each envelope my name was written in the most elegant cursive; one for Bella Swan, one for Bella Flanagan. I opened the one for Flanagan.

_Mistress Flanagan,_

_I am at your mercy and expect a good flogging upon my return, however I needed to hunt. Take care of my cock. I left it with you._

-({})-

After showering, I decided to explore the rest of the house to keep myself occupied until Edward returned. My phone beeped impatiently in my pocket and I didn't want to look at the messages. Already, I knew who they would be from.

Alice's room held the most fascination for me due to the wardrobe. It was exquisite! She had her own dressing room, fully stocked with the latest and best of absolutely everything! I chose a pair of _Seven _jeans that made my perky little ass look tight and irresistible. The shirt took me much longer to decide on. I grabbed a green Versace sleeveless chemise, but fell head over heels in love with a pair of Christian Louboutin crepe satin, pink pumps. The top was instantly discarded for a rose-coloured silk blouse that showcased the shoes perfectly.

"Bella?" I spun around and was faced with a blond vampire.

"Hey," I said. "Who the fuck are you?"

"Jasper." He kept a distance from me as he spoke.

"You look nothing like Jackson Rathborne. He's fuck-hot," I explained.

"I apologize."

"You also don't speak with a southern drawl." There was an accusation in my tone and I wasn't sure why. I just hate it when characters from a book don't live up to my expectations.

"I'm from Texas," he said politely. "We don't drawl. That's more Georgia."

"Okay. So, um...no calling me Darlin' then?"

"I'm afraid not."

I folded the shirts that I had tried on and put them back in their rightful places. Suddenly, I became aware of Jasper sniffing my wounded arm.

"May I help you?"

"I'm sorry, Bella." Jasper was fighting against something but I wasn't sure what. His eyes were black and bottomless.

"Oh, fuck no!" I made a cross with my fingers and backed up against the wardrobe wall. He looked like a shark, so I said, "Bella is friend, not food!"

"I'm sorry, Bella," he repeated shamefully. "I can't help it. You caught me by surprise and I haven't hunted yet."

I screamed, but the sound was cut short.

**Author's Note: I'm such a bitch leaving it there but I couldn't help myself. So, I crave reviews like Isabella Flanagan craves cock, thus here's the deal; leave a pussy word in your review and I'll find a way to work it into my next chapter. Also, don't forget to vote in the Indie Twific Awards. Finally, I'm on Twitter, so follow-me bitches.**


	27. Deja Vu Again

**Author's note: Thanks to my beta, Jkane180. Look out for a mention of Kane in this chapter. From my reviews, here are the pussy words that I had to include: fuzz-nugget (c/o Amanda Wilder), Taco (c/o Beauteouscake), cum catcher (c/o Besks), jizz bin (c/o nifty88), Toy Box (c/o DayAnne Cullen), Beaver -yay Canada!- (c/o Ruby Jean), pussy (well, I guess it is a pussy word, c/o kejsn) cum bucket (c/o LisaBebe11), downstairs juice maker (c/o HeatherSydneyAUS), pinkcookie (c/o pinkcookie). Non-pussy word request from jkane180 - randy. Alright, you demanding little fuckers....here are your pussy words. AND, there isn't even a lemon in this chapter, so it wasn't easy :P **

I screamed, but the sound was cut short when Jasper threw me to the ground. Squeezing my eyes shut, I started to beg like a pussy. "Please? You don't want to do this! Please?"

A wave of calm collided with me like a brick wall, numbing the fear. Weakly, I struggled to win back my senses. "Listen, Jazz...Jizz-bin, whatever the fuck your name is. If you're going to murder me, than be a man about it. Give me back my fear."

Jasper sighed and acquiesced. The terror consumed me once again.

_Lie down, bitch. Be a good girl and maybe you won't have to die...Just want to see a little blood. It doesn't have to be that bad. _

I gurgled at a violent memory every part of my soul had been screaming at me to forget. Jasper drew in a sharp breath along with me.

"What happened to you, Bella?" His eyes were full of pity.

"I think I was...attacked, but I don't really remember."

"I'm sorry," he choked. "You're so hurt. These emotions are not yours..."

"I thought you were going to kill me. Or is your plan to psychoanalyze me to death?"

Rolling onto my back, I vowed to meet my attacker eye-to-eye. Death had been chasing me for so long, it seemed. If finally, it had caught up with me, then I would rise to meet it.

Jasper closed his eyes and held his breath. "I've regained my control, Bella. Please get out of here as fast as you can. Get out of the house...keep yourself away."

My legs somehow held the weight of my body as I stood. "Edward's coming back soon. He'll be looking for me."

"I'll talk to him."

Backing up, I nearly tripped in the designer shoes I now despised. "You need to get over this self-control problem of yours. We run in the same circles, after all." By the way his muscles were clenched, it was pretty obvious he was using all of his strength not to follow me as I backed away. "Can't you engage in some sort of therapeutic program to deal with your bloodlust? My friend Kane is a compulsive nymphomaniac." His ravenous eyes widened in amusement or surprise. "Seriously! We called her Cum Bucket in General Group. Not behind her back, or anything. It was her nickname. I mean, if she can make it through the day now without getting so randy that she lets the janitor stuff her taco, I think you can get over your problem too."

"I...You...What?"

"All I'm saying, Jazzy Jizz-bin, is that if Cum Bucket could handle her shit and keep her beaver pure, than surely you can work through your self-control issues."

He didn't look impressed. "Stay away from us, Bella. Your presence is upsetting Alice."

That surprised me! "I thought she was my friend." My voice came out more hurt than I had anticipated.

"You always represented the girlhood she missed out on. Her friendship with you is vicarious wish-fulfillment and since our return...you're broken. Crazy, just like she was as a human. I can't sit idly by while you hurt her. Your presence is destroying her sanity."

It was more than Jasper had ever said before (except when he monologued in Eclipse about his entire life, all at once).

"You want me to stay away from Alice...from all of you."

"Yes," he said. "Edward's been a head case since the first day he was unfortunate enough to cross your path. If you refuse to stay away, I'll be forced to intervene."

The anger that consumed me in the next moment nearly knocked me on my ass. "Fucker!" I grabbed a Coach purse and hurled it at his head (I didn't notice it was a Coach purse until after it had already been thrown. For the record, I am against cruelty towards designer accessories). "You don't own me, you sad excuse for Jackson Rathbone! Go to fucking Hell! You're just jealous that _you_ can't be Edward's cum catcher. Well, you're out of luck. Edward's been all up in my fuzz nugget. He prefers pink cookies to twinkies."

"I've changed my mind." His cell phone started ringing and so did mine. "You're just a little girl and it would be easier for me to kill you."

Why the fuck didn't I just keep my mouth shut?

"No, dude. I'm totally sorry. I'll stay away, okay?"

"No dice, Bella. I don't trust you."

"Please don't do this, Jasper? Really, I don't want to die again." Tears escaped my eyes and poured down my cheeks now. I was crying like a bitch.

"You're not making sense." His voice was tired and impatient. "Close your eyes, okay? I'll make it quick. I'm going to stop you from crying before I do it."

"No," I spat between sobs. "You need to feel what I'm feeling at the end. Grant me that, at least."

He nodded. "I'm not a monster, Bella, and I am truly sorry for this. I'm only protecting my family. Wouldn't you kill to protect yours?"

"Stop rationalizing and be done with it."

"Close your eyes," he repeated and I did.

Two things happened then. A sharp pain ripped through my neck and snarls and growls erupted from seemingly everywhere around me. I opened my eyes to see Jasper flying across the room faster than I could register and I stumbled sideways in shock, hitting what felt like a fur coat...except said coat was growling.

"Jacob," I gasped and reached for his fur. He wrenched his body away from my touch and took a defensive stance in front of me.

"Thank you," Jasper muttered, jerking his dislocated arm back into place. "I never would have forgiven myself if-"

Jasper was thrown against the wall again, this time by Edward. "I'll kill you," he screamed, his hands around his brother's neck. He pounded his forehead against a chest on the floor that resembled a toy box.

Jacob's muzzle sneered and puckered into a feral growl and I grappled for him again. He turned at my touch, his huge black eyes found mine and something he saw in my face made him whimper. "Don't pull away, Jake. It hurts...so much."

An inferno blazed a path through my neck and shoulder. It felt like a cigarette burn, only deep within my veins.

"Bella?"

My vision was covered in dark spots but the fear in Edward's face sent a shock wave of terror through me. He lowered Jasper off the wall. "Get out, now." Jasper flew out of my line of sight.

The pain dissipated for a minute. "Jacob, I need to-" The words choked off and were replaced by my screams. All at once, the fire returned but, more than burning, it felt like my veins were dissolving completely, like acid was coursing though me with every heartbeat instead of blood.

"No," Jacob roared. He had phased without my noticing. The fur I clung to was now his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Jacob. I love you."

"Bella," he whimpered. "I love you...more than anything."

"She's bitten," Edward moaned. "Oh, god, no!"

"She's turning."

"Bella," Edward said. "I know it hurts, love. I can stop it...do you want me to stop it or do you want to turn?"

"Stop stalling," Jacob roared again. "Save her!"

"It's your choice, sweetheart. What do you want?"

I couldn't examine reason in my present state. All I knew was this pain had to stop. "Stop it," I pleaded. "Stop it, or kill me. I don't want to change."

Edward nodded. "It's going to hurt a little more for a moment, but then it will feel better." He lowered his face to my neck.

"Don't touch her," Jacob said in a voice I could barely recognize.

"Get your hand off of me, Dog. I need to get the poison out of her or she'll change."

Horrible shrieks resounded and it took me a moment to register they were coming from me. "Kill me, please?" I begged, digging my nails into Jacob's arm. "Please?? If you really love me, just snap my neck. Please?"

"Get the venom out her," Jacob said weakly and tried to stroke my head but I writhed and bucked at him. I wanted to tear myself out of my skin. I wanted to run away.

"I'm going to make you feel better, baby." Edward left a cool kiss on my cheek before bringing his lips to my wound. The suction he created was beyond agony. My destroyed veins seemed to burn back to life and I cried out, over and over again until my throat bled.

"Look at me, Bells," Jacob begged, pulling my fisted hand to his face. "I love you. Concentrate on me."

So I did. I continued to scream but kept my eyes on the face of one of the men I loved beyond reason.

"I'm sorry, Jacob."

"I know, baby. It's okay."

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

"We'll talk about it later."

"Okay," I said, groggily. The pain was lessening and disappearing. It happened gradually and then, all at once. All that was left was a dull ache.

"She leaves with me, Cullen." There was a maturity in Jacob's voice that I didn't like. The open innocence of his face had transformed, and was replaced with the determined expression of a man who had seen too much tragedy.

"Fine." Edward's voice was barely a whisper. I turned to face him but he would not look at me. "Get her away from us. Keep her safe."

"Edward?"

"Leave...Please, just take her."

"What do you mean, Edward?" I was gripped with panic at the memory of him leaving me in the woods. The bitter determination was written all over his stony face. "Why won't you speak to me?"

I grabbed his arm. "No! You promised!!!" He shook his head weakly and wrenched out of my grasp.

"It's a promise that I'm breaking, Bella. This is not your fault." He was a ghost. Only a breeze on my skin. He left so quickly I never even saw him go, only felt the absence. The gaping hole in my heart tore open.

Edward was giving me up. Again.

**Author's Note: Reviews make me happy in my Downstairs Juice Maker (ha!). Have you voted in the Indie Twific Awards yet? Voting is open until March 3rd. I've read all of my competition in the New Moon category and truthfully, fell in love with the other stories. Interested in what Edward wrote in the note to Bella Swan from the last chapter? Review me and I'll send it in a PM. Please allow for 24-hours delivery.**

**Shameless Pimping: Team Jacob fans will love Asking Too Much by Restlessxpen. Available over at Twilighted and the author just informed me she is posting it on FF finally. Check it out!!! I've included a link to her profile on mine. This is my favourite Jacob/Bella fanfic.  
**


	28. Waking up Dead

**Author's Note: Pussy-words Galore, I love each and every fucker who is reading BBS. For those who voted for BBS in the Indies, my eternal gratitude. Really, let me know what I can do for you :) Check out the final ballots tomorrow. Thank you to my author friends and regular reviewers for all of your support. Special thanks, as always, to jkane180 for her beta awesomeness.**

Jasper Whitlock/Hale/Cullen/Jizz-Bin was a dead man, I had decided, while Jacob carried my corpse to La Push. Bella Swan was a catatonic mess, barricaded in a padded room somewhere inside my cerebral cortex. I wished that I could turn the volume down on her crying. We were better off staying with Jacob, but fucking Swan would not relent and it was beginning to mess with my emotions. I refused to let myself dwell on Edward's denial of us. That fucker would not be given another chance.

"You'll be safe with me, Bells. I promise," Jacob vowed passionately against my ear.

"Put me down, please. I can walk now and you've been carrying me for, like, miles."

"S'ok, Bells. I can handle it. You've been through a trauma-"

"It wasn't my first," I snapped harshly. "Just put me the fuck down."

He set me down on the soft shoulder of the freeway. I staggered for a couple of steps and then allowed myself to fall back against a grassy hill. The cold ground cradled my back as I contemplated my surroundings. Geese flew overhead in a V formation. Fowl. Foul. "Fair is foul and foul is fair."

"What's with the Shakespeare?" Jake asked, between pants. Big-strong-wolf-man seemed out of breath from carrying me.

"Random word association, mostly. It's from Macbeth. When the Witches prophesize his downfall, I think. It's a paradox of words."

"So?"

"It just got me thinking. What's beautiful and rotten?"

"Vampires," he sneered.

"No, Jake. It's me."

He sat down on the ground beside me. "I hate Shakespeare," he said and dragged me onto his lap.

"Blasphemy!"

-({})-

"She's awake!"

"Bella," a man with dark blond hair and circles under his eyes grasped for my hand. "Honey, you've been asleep."

I tried to lift my head but it was too heavy. My entire face felt like it was bruised and packed with gauze.

"Don't try to speak, yet. There's still a tube in your throat." The man had kind blue eyes and was very handsome. I wished that I knew who he was. The way he softly held onto my hand reminded me vaguely of Edward. It was both the reverence of his touch and the careful manner he employed in holding me, like I would shatter if he squeezed.

A doctor I didn't recognize suddenly appeared above me with a roll of sterile tape. "Mr. Flanagan, perhaps you should leave the room for a couple of minutes. We need to dress your wife's wounds."

_Excuse me? _

I shook my head vigorously. They had me confused with another patient!

"I'm not going anywhere, you fuckers! The last time I let Izzy out of my sight she swallowed a bottle of tranquilizers."

"If you would like to file a formal complaint, you've been given ample-"

"Fuck you, asshole! My wife nearly died in your care."

My larynx shuddered against the tube as I tried to scream.

-({})-

The small room smelled of musk; like Jacob, only super-concentrated. Slowly and roughly I roused, as if I had been dead instead of asleep. Turning onto my side, I gathered a handful of blankets and crumpled them into a ball, pulling the soft bundle into my chest. It was soothing. My eyes closed and I hoped that sleep would find me again, however the room was unbearably hot. Shit, I needed ice or something. The sweltering heat would make me mad. Suddenly, all I could think about was how sticky I felt, how covered in sweat I was, as moisture pooled in seemingly every crevice of my body. I wiped at the valley between my breasts with Jake's flannel sheet and tore the clothes from my body.

"Jake," I muttered and groped in the dark for the edge of the bed. Yeah, that's when I demonstrated a typical Bella Swan moment and fell out, catching the corner of the night table with my naked backside. "Shit and fuck and stuff," I swore dully and rubbed my sore bottom. My flight to the floor seemed to awaken Swan, the whiney slut. She wanted to surface and wax poetically emo about the loss of her demon lover. Actually, she was fucking screaming something at me but I was feeling too pig-headed to pay any heed to that annoying bitch.

_I'm not a bitch, you whore._

"Shit, Bells. Did you sprout balls overnight?" Yeah, I was talking to myself. Don't fucking judge me.

_We need to call Edward. Please?_

"Oh, fuck no! I'm not going near that meat maggot ever again. Seriously, little girl, I was starting to even like you a little bit. You are so not going back to that brooding, sparkling piece of shit. Have some fucking pride."

_We love him._

"Fuck love! If you want to love someone, try Jake. Otherwise, fuck it all!"

_We love them both._

"Well, aren't we greedy little bitches, then? Now stop your kvetching. I need ice."

_Please, put some clothes on before you open that door..._

Fuck, that! I threw open the door and rubbed at my eyes, trying to adjust to the overhead light as I stepped forward into the hallway.

"Isabella," a stern voice said and I staggered, falling once again onto my ass. So it turned out Jake's bedroom did not open into a hallway. I was standing under the oppressive lights in the main room of the house. Was the floor plan ever described in any of the books? Hm, you'd think I would have noticed a little detail like that.

"Hey, Billy. Any chance you've gone blind from the diabetes yet?"

"No," he growled. Like, literally growled. I wondered if he used to be a werewolf too. Oh, I had the cruellest image of him suddenly invade my mind as a wolf with his two hind legs jerry-rigged into a cart on wheels.

"Enjoying the show?" I walked around him and into the small galley kitchen. There was a bag of frozen peas in the freezer and I hugged it against my chest. "Shit, Billy," I said, shielding my nudity behind the fridge door. "I'm acting like an ingrate. My apologies. Thank you for letting me crash in your home."

"Not my decision," he grunted. "And believe me, I am not _enjoying _the show. Not one bit."

"What do you mean it's not your-"

"Dad!" The front door was opened and at once, Jake stepped in front of me. "What the fuck?"

"Have some respect, Jacob Ephraim Black. You may be the future Chieftain but you are still my son." Billy wheeled himself away from us and without turning added, "I want that girl out of my home. If she's not back at the hospital tomorrow, I'm calling Charlie."

"You wouldn't." Jake took on a deep menacing voice but the old man wouldn't back down. "C'mon, Dad! Bella needs me." He bowed his head, giving Billy the respect he deserved.

"Stop it, Jake. This is ridiculous. I need to go back to the hospital. Billy's right." I pulled an Afghan off the couch and wrapped it around myself. "I'm sorry, Billy. I didn't mean to cause a rift in your home." I placed my palm flat on Jake's chest and shoved him back into the wall. "Apologize to your father."

"What? No!"

"Jake," I admonished. "I'm going back to the funny farm tomorrow and I'd be more than happy to give you a farewell fuck... But_ only_ if you tell your Daddy you're sorry."

I walked out of the room, dropping the Afghan.

"Sorry, Dad," Jake said quickly, nipping at my heels.

**Author's Note: Review me and I'll send a preview! **

**An author friend of mine has been **_**teasing**_** me with incredible, beautiful, graphic and brilliant pieces of eroticism. Her name is Amanda Wilder and she has finally posted the first chapter of 1001 Jacobean Nights (listed in my faves). One of my literary influences is the great Anais Nin and Amanda's work reminds me of her. Check it out, if you want to get your rocks off or just to read something completely different from your everyday, run-of-the-mill, lemon. This isn't just a lemon. It's a lemon pie.**


	29. Fear and Loathing

**Author's Note: So as my profile currently states - Holy crappers, I'm a finalist: ****INDIE TWIFIC AWARDS**** for Becoming Bella Swan in the category of ****Canon or AU story that knocks you off your feet ****! There was like eighty stories in that category and I'm all kinds of flabbergasted that BBS made the top five. Thank you for voting. I've met so many amazing women through the fandom and I'm thrilled to bits that someone other than my husband wants to read my fanfic.**

"Izzy? I brought you a green tea." Gregory set the tea beside the beanbag chair I was huddled in. My arms were bruised and sore from the numerous IV drips and the current catheter felt like it had slipped out of my vein.

"Thank you," I managed, ignoring the steaming Styrofoam cup. "I need a nurse to check my arm. It really hurts."

"Let me see?" His touch was gentle but still completely foreign to me. "Yeah, I'll fix it."

"Are you a doctor?" For some reason, it surprised me that Flanagan would be married to a doctor. I looked at Gregory Flanagan's face as he re-set the catheter in my arm and decided that I liked him, despite the fact his wife was a crazed-psycho-sex-addict who had somehow managed to body shift with me.

He smiled sadly and replied, "A nurse. Hope you're not too disappointed. When your memory is restored, I promise you that you'll find it kinky." He put his hand on my shoulder and I cringed.

"Please...could you not, um, touch me?"

"Alright," he sighed and handed me a stack of books. "I'm reading the Christopher Moore book you recommended."

"Lamb?"

"No, Bloodsucking Fiends."

"Oh, I've never read that one. Is it good?" I grabbed a paperback off the pile of books Bella's husband had brought me. "What's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas?"

Gregory smiled patiently. "It's your favourite book, at least, it's the one you tell people is your favourite." He reached for my shoulder again and pulled back when I cringed.

"Sorry," I muttered again.

"I know, angel. I know that you want to deny what happened but sooner or later, you need to confront it. Where's the hard-ass bitch I know and love?"

"Sorry," I whispered. "What's my real favourite, then?"

"Um," he said distractedly and grabbed a well-worn black and red book from the pile. "This one. Twilight. Apparently you find this Edward Cullen vampire fellow fuck-hot."

-({})-

"More, please, Bella? One more time," Jacob growled, when I didn't instantly mount him.

"I'm depleted. If you want more, I'm going to need some sort of sports drink. Does Gatorade exist in this universe?"

"Gade-oooor-ate?" Jacob feigned dumb and I'd like to say this was a stretch but I was beginning to wonder.

"Enough with your douchebaggery!" I threw a pillow at him. "Get me something orange to drink...not orange juice."

"Water it is, for the lady." He used his shorts to wipe the residual semen off his dick and threw on a pair of blue cut-off sweats. "Are you hungry?"

"I could eat." My voice was lazy. I was the cat that ate the canary. "You, are so the canary and you don't even know it," I smirked. "You're mine, bitch. All mine!"

Jacob whipped his pants down and pounced on top of me. "Again!"

I started howling with laughter and made a fist around his cock. We'd fucked three times already yet he was almost rock solid again. Youth was wasted on the young. "Fine, let's play a game of cat and mouse," I practically sang and then gave his dickhead a teasing little lick.

"You better not be calling my beaver buster a mouse. It's a fucking monster." He grabbed it in his fist and I jumped off the bed in mock horror. He chased me around the bed, cock still in hand, as he aimed it like a handgun.

"Keep it away from me, you freak!" Pushing him away, I couldn't help but giggle.

"Tell him you love him." There was a taunt in his voice but the 'L' word gave me pause. I was about to kiss him when he started tickling my ribs mercilessly.

"Not gonna do it! Keep your beefy McManstick to yourself."

Jacob decided this was a good time to break into a rendition of "Girl's Got the Bun and the Boy's Got the Hotdog." I couldn't possibly articulate the tenderness of my thoughts while he was being a jerkwad.

"Jacob, stop for a minute. I want to ask you a question." I grabbed a sweatshirt off the floor and pulled it over my head. "Put your dick away, Jake. This is serious."

"It must be." With great reluctance, he holstered his pistol and tried to contemplate my face without laughing.

"I'm thinking of making a decision. One that you will be pleased with." For some reason I couldn't look at his face as I spoke. Guilt washed through me but I wouldn't allow myself to wallow in it. This was _my_ fucking story. Mine!

Twilight was over, New Moon was right now, and this was me, line-editing the shit out of it.

-({})-

"What was my favourite part of the book?"

Gregory was a stranger to me but it comforted us both to converse as if nothing was awry. Isabella Flanagan's books were really not my taste but her husband seemed to think reading from them would spark a memory. The curiosity was killing me, however I needed to read Twilight on my own. He should not have to bear witness to the breakdown that would no doubt follow.

"Really, you have lots of favourite parts."

"So, the story is about a journalist who travels to Las Vegas to cover a dirt bike race?"

Gregory shook his head vigorously. "The plot's not the point. It's the journey that matters. What Duke learns and finally understands about the state of America and how it relates to his own mind."

"What's wrong with America? I mean, besides the obvious."

He laughed and there was a manic undertone to it. "What motivates people?"

"Love?"

"No."

"Desire?" I was in over my head in this conversation. He was getting agitated and I wasn't sure of the answer he was looking for.

"Izzy, what motivates you?"

I thought about Edward and wanted to repeat 'love' but I knew that wasn't the right answer. I bit my lip, wishing I could somehow end this conversation. Edward Cullen was my motivation. My love for him was desperate and it ruled me beyond anything else. It didn't make sense that someone like him would love someone utterly ordinary like me. Every moment I spent with him was my own agony and ecstasy because, as perfect he was, I never trusted myself to be good enough to keep him. For the last year and all the time before he left me, every day I lived in...

"Fear!"

"Yes!" Gregory put his arm around me and, acting upon instinct, I kneed him in the groin.

"...And loathing."

I felt vaguely guilty, however I did warn him not to touch me. He took a couple of painful breaths and sat in a chair a little further away from mine.

"Sorry," I muttered.

"I probably had it coming for one reason or another." He actually managed to laugh even though I had knocked the wind out of him.

"No. You seem like a good person. I'm full of rage today."

"Here," he said and opened the book. "Listen to this. _Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Has it been five years? Six? It seems like a lifetime, the kind of peak that never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time and place to be a part of. But no explanation, no mix of words or music or memories can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive in that corner of time in the world. Whatever it meant."_

"That's beautiful but I'm not sure what it means. I mean, I know what he's saying but I'm not sure why it's relevant."

"Sometimes, all of the stars align and create a perfect time and place. But perfection is fleeting. Often it's only recognized in retrospect."

I nodded. That made sense.

"You asked me what your favourite part was? I'm pretty sure this is it_: So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look west, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark - that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back_."

Oh...yeah, I got it, now. The high-water mark, the very peak of my existence, was my time with Edward. The wave had rolled back, leaving nothing but barren sand in its wake.

Sobs tore through me and Bella's husband pulled me into his lap so that he could hold me.

This time, I let him.

-({})-

"What is it, Bells?"

"I choose you, Jake. If you can love me, damaged as I am. Then I choose you."

He smiled his beautiful smile and tried to kiss me again but I held his face back. "She's not coming back. You'd be loving _me_, not her. Can you do that?"

"You're the same girl, Bells."

"No, we certainly are not." It didn't matter. I couldn't sense her at all anymore. I had won the battle over this body.

"Bella." His voice was solemn and reverent. "I've never suffered any delusions when it came to you. You always say you're broken. Cut the crap! I'm tired of you using that crutch. I love you as you _are_, right now. I'll love the girl you become tomorrow and the day after that. Haven't I already proved myself? Do you need another vow from me? I mean, I'll do it but it seems redundant."

I shook my head and said, "I love you, Jake. Today, tomorrow and the day after that."

Jake loved me best. My choice was made. I would stay in this world with him.

**Author's Note: Questions? Comments? Flames? Bitch, I can take it! Thanks to my amazing beta, Jess or jkane180 as she's known as in the hood. A shout out to my lovely wordslinger for all of them purty banners. I've posted links on my profile. I respond to every review with a preview unless your PM is disabled (I'm talking to you nifty88! If you want a preview, please let me send me a PM with an email address. If you don't care, then just keep reviewing because I adore that shit.)**


	30. Somebody Call 912

**Author's Note: Okay, I'll admit that I'm starting to crack under the pressure of pleasing everyone. For the longest time, no one was reading this story and I could write whatever the fuck I wanted. Now there's a lot of expectations and I hate disappointing people. I guess I'm not the hard-ass-bitch that my author's notes portray me as. I love all of you amazing women who have been reading and reviewing me. The constructive criticism is appreciated too. There is a special place in Hell for flamers. Anyhoo, this chapter may be difficult for Jake fangirls to swallow. Ahem. The thing is, this isn't exactly a Bella/Jake story. While I couldn't give all of my amazing Jake girls what they wanted, I could please one of them. The character Sonja belongs to wordslinger. I just borrowed her. Sonja can be found in Distortion, written by wordslinger (beta'd by yours truly). Some dialogue was stolen from wordslinger too but she says she's cool with that. Ha! We'll see.**

_Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things through my eyes that the rest of the world was seeing through theirs. Maybe there was a glitch in my brain._  
Bella Swan, _Twilight_, Chapter 1, p.11

No longer tethered to the IV, I could move around the hospital more freely but couldn't bring myself to stop reading. Twilight wasn't so bad, except for the fact that even more than ever, Edward seemed like a dream, a beautiful hallucination brought to life by my own loneliness. Edward's dialogue was so eloquent, I couldn't help but re-read repeatedly everything he said. My own words were inadequate. Everything about my character was.

In truth, I really didn't like Bella Swan very much.

If this wasn't my own life I was reading about, I think I would have had trouble accepting that Edward really loved Bella. Their relationship was so inequitable. The only explanation I could come up with was that he found solace in the quiet of my mind...or that I was a puzzle for him to play with.

Why did I never let myself be angry with him? Was he blameless?

The ending of the book left me somewhat unsatisfied. There was no happily-ever-after and, in truth, there never would be until Bella became a vampire. Was I reading a tragedy or a romance? I'd read enough Shakespeare to know what my fate was if this was a tragedy.

I cracked opened the well worn copy of _New Moon_ and skimmed through the parts I already knew, desperate for some insight; to find out where my train jumped off the tracks.

Oh, and I was such a coward indeed. I couldn't even bring myself to read the scene in the woods.

-({})-

"This is so going to suck. Don't let them give me Thorazine, okay?"

I was the very definition of the word, 'pussy'. Terror-stricken, I clung to Jacob's arm and stared at my ugly shoes. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. Did I really need to be back in this hospital? What I could only describe as a bad omen, sat like a bowling ball on my gut. I felt positively sick.

"Hey," Jake said tenderly and lifted my chin. "I love you, Bells. No one will ever hurt you again." He smiled with such innocent confidence that I could feel my own drawn mouth quiver into a little grin.

"You're the sweetest piece of jailbait I've ever fucked, Black." I wanted one last taste before the _White Coats _hauled my crazy ass back into Ward Four. More than just lust, I was desperate for the connection.

He caught onto my mood rather quickly and lifted me into an embrace so that my legs hitched around his hips. "I'm not jailbait. I'm over eighteen."

Pulling his lips into a suck between mine, I clung to his neck and whispered, "I want one more fuck but you still haven't given me that Gatorade I requested."

"I've got a Red Bull in my pocket."

"And here I was thinking you were just happy to see me."

-({})-

I was a disheveled mess. The White Coats weren't quite sure what to do with me and Dr. Banner was away at a conference, so they called in Charlie and left me well enough alone. I didn't look forward to his wrath but right now, he was Jake's problem.

Slumped into a chair in the common room, I begged for cigarettes from anyone who knew me from a hallucination.

"Look what the cat coughed up."

Oh god and fuck, if it wasn't Kane, the queen of crazy. "Hey, Cum Bucket. I'll trade you masturbatory material for a smoke." It's hard to shake a nickname as vile as that particular pussy word.

She laughed wildly and tossed her mass of unruly dark hair forward to pull a brush through it. "I go by 'Sonja' now...and dude, the only cock I'd like to borrow from you is the one you rode in on."

I scowled. "He's mine, bitch. Hands off!"

Inexplicably, she walked over to me, contemplated my hair, and then proceeded to drag the brush through it. "I didn't get a good look at him anyway. You look like shit," she explained and sprayed me down with Aqua Net, tearing through my hair ruthlessly.

"Ow, Kane, stop! That shit kills the ozone, you know."

"I told you, call me _Sonja_...and fuck off with that tree-hugger crap about global warming. I say, bring that shit on. I hate the fucking cold. So what if the oceans rise? We need more beaches. Make some margaritas out of those lemons!"

"Fuck it! A cigarette is not worth this torture. There's no way I'm getting outside so it doesn't matter."

"Is that a double dare?" Kane handed me a smoke and then dragged me by the hair to the nurse's station. "I'm taking this bitch outside for a smoke," she informed the nursing staff brashly.

Yeah, that wasn't going to work. You didn't pull Alpha on a _White Coat_. That was just plain dumb.

"I don't think so, Candace. Bella is a flight risk," the head _Coat_ admonished.

"Call me, Sonja! Flight risk doesn't even scratch the surface. She's psychotic and stupid, though." Kane, that fucking bitch, had the audacity to wink at me and add, "I swear, if she tries to get away, she's going down. She's little. I can take her." She leaned over and whispered something into that greasy-faced nurse's ear. Said nurse blanched, turning the same colour as her coat, and pressed the buzzer to unlock the door.

"Five minutes, _Sonja_. I mean it."

Sonja smiled and I couldn't help but smile back, feeling all _Thelma and Louise_ for a minute. She would be a good ally, should another jail break become necessary. I offered the only compliment I could think of as we exited the ward. "You're sort of lovely for a criminally insane psychopath."

"Ah, that's sweet. I don't mind being criminally insane as long as I can be lovely. I'll be the prettiest girl in the ward. Straightjackets become me."

We used the stairs, instead of the elevator and stopped to flash the construction workers through the stairwell window. "It wouldn't even be a challenge really," I said suddenly, itching again for freedom. "We could just leave, you know...break out?"

"You mean, catch a ride with one of the _teamsters_ out there?"

"Nah," I said and pulled her by the hand outside. "We could just fuck off and no one would ever see either of us ever again." Not that I wanted to leave Jake, but it was an errant and indulgent thought. How sweet it would be to just start over again, to deny the fucking insanity that my reality had morphed into.

"Have you been self-medicating again?" We sat on the curb and I tried in vain to light my smoke with Sonja's Zippo. She handed me her own lit smoke and plucked mine from out of my lips. "Well, don't bogart, bitch. Pass me the fucking NyQuil."

"Where should we go?" I joked, still indulging in my little escape fantasy.

"I'm a tropical kind of girl. We could disappear into a native Mexican village for the rest of forever."

"What, like, live in a shack on the beach?" I mused.

"Why not? I would be so fucking happy. I wouldn't need anything other than shorts, tank tops, and flippy floppies."

I took a lazy drag of my cigarette and exhaled a perfect smoke ring. "Tropical is nice but I'd like to go back to Canada, I think."

"No fucking way. it's too cold."

"At least our drugs and cigarettes are better. Oh, not to mention, the Heath care system!"

"Yeah, right. I bet they don't even have 911 in Canada."

"Nah," I teased. "We use 912."

She gave me a strange look and I wasn't sure whether or not she actually believed that snarky comment. Her eyes became erratic suddenly.

"Oh...oh, wow," she breathed, her gaze fixating on something over my right shoulder. She seemed unsettled. Jeez, nothing ever fazed Kane- I meant, Sonja. What caught her attention?

I turned around and saw Jacob approaching, his eyes glassy too.

What the fuck? Where was I when they were passing out the happy pills?

"Hey, Jake," I said and ran towards him. He stopped when I reached him, but he seemed to be fighting the urge to keep running. Growling, I draped myself possessively around him. Limply, he wrapped an arm around my waist. He'd never greeted me so dispassionately before...this was not good.

"Um, hello?" I repeated.

"Hi," he said, but not to me.

"Jake," Sonja said reverently, her voice trembling.

He released me and fell to his knees, staring at her like a blind man... Oh fucking Christ...

"No!" I screamed.

"I'm sorry, Bells," he whimpered, confirming my nightmare.

Well somebody call 912. Jake had just imprinted on Cum Bucket. Fuck my life!

**Author's Note: Um, what did you think? Hate me? Love me? I'm dangerously close to the end of my outline so hopefully, all will make sense soon enough. Um, voting opens on March 15th for the Indies and, fucked-up as it sounds, this story is a finalist for best AU or Canon.**


	31. Giving Up

**Author's Note: A world of thanks to Jkane180 for her tireless work, not only as my beta, but as my go-to-girl for researching masturbation euphemisms. Thank you to wordslinger for creating Sonja.**

"I think I've given up smoking," I mentioned randomly to Dr. Banner. "If I'm not going to be a vampire, I probably should care more about my mortality."

The good doctor looked at me in a tired sort of way and put down his notes. "I can't help you."

"Oh, I don't need help. I'm going to do the cold turkey thing. It's really the only way."

He shook his head. "No, Bella. You're not getting any better here. If anything, you've lost yourself completely now."

This was a shitty day to have quit smoking. Suddenly, I was hyper-aware that there was nothing in my mouth. I ran my tongue across my teeth frantically and when that didn't satisfy my oral fixation, I chewed on my finger. I'd lost my all-access pass to lupine cock to Cum Bucket. Sparkly vampire cock wasn't an option anymore either thanks to DJ Jazzy Death. All I had was my finger.

What was I thinking about, again? Oh, right...

"You suck, Dr. Banner! What kind of Clinical Psychologist are you?"

"Isabella," he said gently. "How long have you been here?"

"No fucking clue."

"Do you know who you are?"

"Isabella Flanagan," I said automatically.

"What have you been working at since your arrival?"

I drew a blank. Caught between action and reaction, I chewed on my finger like I was chewing on my words. I felt utterly ambiguous.

"Bella?"

"Yeah?" I stalled.

"Can you tell me what you've been working at."

"Yeah," I muttered, the tip of my finger still between my lips. "I've been trying to become Bella Swan."

"How is that working out for you?"

"Shit, not good, Doc. I think I've destroyed her completely."

He smiled. "You do realize that one of you has to be destroyed. You can't co-exist."

"Nah-uh."

-({})-

They say hindsight is twenty-twenty. I'm not sure about foresight, though. Reading about the events that were supposed to take place in my life after Edward left me, gave me super-human eyesight.

_Bella Swan is a selfish weakling_, I decided and tore New Moon along the spine. Like me, it was spineless too now. How could I have just left Jake like that? I mean, yes, I had to get to Italy in order to save Edward's life...but hadn't Jacob saved mine?

And after the confrontation with those terrible Italian vampires, I continued to act like a douche bag. So grateful that Edward wasn't a hallucination, I welcomed him back without any reservations and proceeded to demand to be changed; to give up my human life completely.

Selfish! No thoughts of what my death would have done to my parents. Charlie would have been destroyed. He would have spent the rest of his life blaming himself for his perceived failure at protecting me. He would have atrophied, alone in his little house with no one to care for him. He certainly would lose the will to take care of himself.

My mother would have blamed him too. Unlike Charlie, Renee would have survived and moved on. Not that she didn't love me. I knew she did; it's just that she was so much like a child herself. Eventually, my death would be an unpleasant memory she repressed with her fantasies.

Hm, maybe we were related after all...

Poor Jacob; he would be another story, altogether. For Jacob, who knew the truth about what had happened to me, it would be much worse. To him, my death would have been a mercy in comparison to my transformation.

A nurse pulled back the curtain that surrounded my bed, shattering my reverie. I blinked as the natural light flooded my pupils and noticed that the sound of crickets outside my window was now replaced with the incessant cooing of morning doves. I had reached the start of the epilogue, staying awake to read, and night had transformed into dawn somewhere along the way.

"Breakfast," the nurse said, placing the tray over me like I was an invalid.

"Thanks," I muttered absently, still taken aback by the soft voice that belonged to Flanagan.

"Oh, are you reading New Moon?"

Nodding weakly, I tried to ignore her so that I could finish the last few pages.

"Team Edward or Team Jacob?"

"Excuse me?"

She unbuttoned her blue shirt, revealing a shirt with _Team Jacob_ emblazoned across the chest, just above a very serious-faced boy, trying and failing to achieve a 'come hither' smouldering expression.

"Who's that?"

The nurse raised her eyebrows and spoke to me like I was daft. "Jacob Black."

"Ha! He wishes," I smirked.

_Abruptly, I remembered what had happened to Paris when Romeo came back. The stage directions were simple: __They fight. Paris falls__._

"What happens to Jacob at the end of the next book?"

"You haven't read it?" The nurse removed the knife from my tray for some reason.

"Um, not exactly."

"Victoria creates an army of newborns. The wolves fight alongside the Cullens and Jake gets hurt."

"Why-why are they fighting Victoria?"

"Because she's after Bella."

"Yeah, I know, but why is everyone involved?" I choked despondently.

"Jeez, chicka. Don't cry; Bella survives."

I shook my head so roughly I nearly gave myself whiplash. The Bella Swan in the book didn't deserve my tears. "Does everyone survive?" I covered my eyes with my hands, bracing for her response.

"Yeah, sugar plum. Everyone survives. Bella and Edward live to love another day and spawn their half-breed bundle of joy."

I sighed deeply and then-

"Wait, what?"

-({})-

My new meds were too mild. It was uncomfortable to feel this awake in my current predicament. Also, the great hunger ravaged my nicotine deprived body. If Swan ever did manage to get her body back, she probably wouldn't be pleased about the way I'd abused it.

I dragged my now expanded ass into the cafeteria and nearly lost my appetite when I saw Jake and Sonja, practically sexing it up on the Formica table.

"Hey, Flanny!"

"Shit and fuck and stuff," I muttered, grabbing a tray of food. "Sonja, you're making me nuts."

"Well, then I'm not trying very hard because you're already a raving lunatic. C'mere bitch."

There was no fucking way I was going to sit down with Cum Bucket and Jake like everything was coming up roses.

Ah, shit, though, it was like watching a train wreck. Sonja's hand was working my ex-boy-toy under the table and Jake was making his sex face, trying meekly to ward off his imprint's advances.

"Bells," he gasped.

"Fuck you, Black. Don't be saying another bitches name while my hand is on your dick." Sonja paused her five-knuckle-shuffling to smack his cheek. The dickhead offered her a wicked grin in response. That smile used to belong to me!

"A plague 'o both your houses," I spat.

"Bella, wait!" Jake tried to stand up to approach me but his massive hard-on made it difficult for him to move.

"Hey, look, it's fine." I shook my head and tried not to cry like a fur-burger-licking pussy. "I'm happy for you, Jake. She's a crazy bitch, that Cum Bucket, but you're better off with her than with me. Her affections are not divided. Besides, if we were meant to be, you would have imprinted on me as soon as you went wolf."

"Bella," Jake snapped.

"Wolf?" Sonja's manic eyes widened. "Tell me more."

"Oops."

-({})-

By the time I reached the end of Eclipse, I was blubbering like a baby. Jacob's parting shots echoed in my mind, as if had screamed them directly into my ear: _If the silence in my head lasted, I would never go back. I wouldn't be the first one to choose this form over the other. Maybe, if I ran far enough away, I would never have to hear again… I pushed my legs faster, letting Jacob Black disappear behind me._

Oh, god. I had to get back, somehow. I had to fix things with Jake...even if I'd lost Edward forever, I had to make sure Jake didn't suffer the fate he did in the books.

"Izzy?"

Gregory lifted me onto his lap and looked at me with astonished eyes. "Are you remembering, baby? Should I get the doctor?"

I shook my head and snuggled against his chest. Why? Because I'm selfish and needy. Certainly, he didn't belong to me, but Flanagan had taken all that did. I would get my own in trade. Raising my head, I wrapped my arms around his neck.

"Kiss me," I demanded and drew his lips to mine. He groaned licked at my mouth, keeping his eyes open.

"Why do you kiss with your eyes open?"

He smiled and touched my cheek. "Because it makes my cock hard to watch you kiss me."

_Hey, Flanny. Can you hear me? I'm about to fuck your husband, so you better come take your body back._

**Author's Notes: Reviewers always receive previews from me. Do you have a favourite masturbation or hand job euphemism? Do share! **

**Shameless begging and pimping: Ahem, so you may have heard this crazy rumour that BBS is a finalist in the Indie Twific Awards (link on my profile to make voting for me super convenient.) I'd also like to pimp Moonshadow by Chef Diamondheart. I love all of you crazy bitches, even the demanding fuckers. Yeah, you know who you are :) Flamers can kindly (insert euphemism here.)**

**PS: Next time you're stressed, try saying "Shit and fuck and stuff." **


	32. Small Gods

**Author's Note: Thank you to all the wonderful women from around the world I now correspond with. Honestly, it thrills me beyond my ability to articulate that you want to read my insanity. Thank you to Jkane180 (Jess) my wonderful beta. In addition to regular disclaimers, I'd like to make it clear that Small Gods is the property of Terry Pratchett and I've "borrowed" some theories in this chapter from Lewis Carroll (Alice and Wonderland) and Descarte's "Dream Argument." **

**Isabella Flanagan's Notes: **I had a thought. The thought became an idea...sort of. A Science Fiction satirist by the name of Terry Pratchett wrote a bunch of books called the Discworld series, including the novel, _Small Gods_. What does this have to do with Twilight? Um, very little. The important thing to note is that according to the rules of this universe, the power and presence of a god is directly affected by the number of people that believe in him or her.

That got me googling...

**Wikipedia:** A small god therefore is a god without enough believers to manifest in any significant form. There are two very different kinds: those who have yet to accumulate enough believers and those who were once powerful but have been forgotten. Of the former there is an almost infinite number on the Disc; Pratchett compares their hidden ubiquity to that of bacteria in our world. The other may still have memory of its former days, but its identity will be almost completely lost, even to itself.

**Isabella Flanagan's Notes: **Can belief augment reality? And if so, how do I bottle this shit?

"Isabella?"

My social worker was "hard at work" trying to find a psychiatrist willing to work with me. Meanwhile, A&E called, offering to profile me for some weird ass medical mystery show. As tempted as I was, I'd rather own the rights to my own story. If the Twilight phenomenon taught me anything, there was a real merchandising opportunity here.

Charlie had brought me a sweet little laptop, and I was busy writing my nonsense theories along with a business plan. If only I could figure out and map the coordinates of whatever rabbit hole I slipped through to get into this universe. Surely the female population would be lining up to become Bella Swan and take Jacob and Edward rides. Not that this was fucking Disney Land...or was it?

"Isabella?"

Carlisle? "Hey, Doc. I thought you'd have gotten the fuck out of Dodge, already."

"I'm taking over your case," he explained and sat at the edge of my bed.

"I'm pretty sure I can't afford you." I was only half looking at him. He removed his black leather doctor's bag and I idly wondered if Esme and him ever role played. I certainly would have. Dr. Cullen may have been ancient but he was also still hot as all fuck. "Does Charlie know that you're here?" I asked, shutting down my pretty pink computer and trying not to think about mounting my new doctor.

"Yes."

"Do you think that belief can augment reality?"

"Of course," he said, taking my pulse. "Your heart rate is too fast."

"Yeah, well, yours is much too slow."

"How are you feeling, Bella?"

I opened my mouth to speak but couldn't seem to find a response to his question. "No fucking clue." At least it was the truth.

"I need you to remember what happened." Carlisle took my hand in his and squeezed lightly.

"Edward left me in the woods, yadda yadda yadda. Laurent tried to kill me and if we're still following canon, Victoria should be assembling an army of newborns right about now."

"How did you know about that?"

"I read the fucking book! How many times do I have to say that before someone believes me?"

Carlisle let go of my hand and sighed. "Alright, I'm prepared to entertain your theories as possibilities."

I cocked my head back and forth like a dim-witted dog, trying to understand a command. "Really?"

"Yes, but only if you allow me to ask you a series of questions under a light hypnosis."

"Are you going to perform a vampire glamour on me?" That was more of a True Blood thing but Carlisle had all kinds of talent.

"No, Bella. I'm going to use a combination of breathing exercises and hypnotic suggestions to relax you, thereby connecting with your subconscious mind."

"The glamour thingy sounded like more fun."

"Do you agree to undergoing hypnosis?"

"Yes, but first you're going to fucking humour me. No one takes me seriously. For all of Edward and Jake's undying love and shit, they don't really listen to a goddamn thing I say. Did they actually listen to Bella Swan?"

"You tell me. What happened in the books?"

"Well, Edward asked her a shitload of questions about her favourite colours, flowers and gemstones, and Jake taught her how to ride a bike and shared a bunch of Quileute legends."

"It sounds like they shared a dialogue with her."

"Well, where the fuck are they now? Jake's all imprinted and shit with Cum Bucket...long story...and Edward is- Where is Edward?"

"Edward is off sulking in Alaska."

"That's not very creative, is it?"

"No, Bella. I'm afraid it isn't."

"I have a metaphysical question for you. Can both Bella Swan and I exist independently of each other?"

"Well, you already do. Before the personalities started to merge, each Bella seemed to exist without knowledge of the other."

"No, not in the same body. I'm talking about multiple universes. I'm starting to think that we co-exist."

"Isabella...you're expecting me to entertain the possibility of multiple universes?"

"Why not? I believe in vampires. How's it a stretch?"

"I see. So, how is this a metaphysical question?" I couldn't read Carlisle's expression. He had an excellent Poker face.

"Well, because I'm questioning standard beliefs about existence. How do we know something exists, what's real and what's fantasy? And, by that same token, can fantasy become reality if enough people believe in it?"

Carlisle was thoughtful for a moment. "The human mind does not differentiate dreams from reality. Perception does that. The sleeping mind does not know it's dreaming. There are many theories about this by both Scientists and Philosphers. Decartes-"

"Hey, this is my rant." I placed my finger on his mouth to shut him up because I fucking hated philosophy. "Maybe I'm dreaming. If I wake up, you'll cease to exist."

"An interesting idea...But, how am I sentient, then?"

"Because I dreamed it so." I was pleased with the power of my mind. "Or maybe not. Maybe the universal female psyche is acting like the Borg-Did you watch Star Trek?-Not important." I stopped talking and walked over to my little plastic mirror. Bella Swan's face looked back at me. "What if belief and desire, made a book come to life?"

If enough people hero worshiped Edward and Jacob, could we wish them into reality?

"Well...I suppose if enough people believe something to be true, it becomes true. It does not become sentient, however."

"Why the fuck not?" I snapped.

"It's not plausible. Only god creates life."

"See, I think you've got it backwards. I think humanity created god. Edward and Jacob are little gods. I just need to figure where the fuck I fit into this mess."

I was so fucking tired. "I think I need to lie down for a while, Doc." He helped me into my bed and pulled the covers over me in a rather fatherly gesture. A soft sigh escaped my lips, and I cuddled into his hand a little bit as he brushed my hair away from my eyes.

"Count back from ten to one, Isabella."

-({})-

Somewhere above myself, I floated. I couldn't tell you which Bella I was at the moment. Only that I was trapped in a nightmare, forced to watch. My mind was reeling, no longer strong enough to repress the violent scene before me.

Isabella Flanagan was being brutally attacked, but the details were unclear. The man, her attacker, left her bleeding out from her stomach. Oh, god, there was so much blood. It poured down her pale skin and pooled into the marshy ground. She would have died, if not for the GPS enabled phone, she clutched in her hand.

-({})-

"Izzy? Izzy?"

"That shit doesn't happen to me!"

"Baby, are you remembering?" Oh, god.

"Greggy," I choked and buried my face into his shoulder, sobbing violently.

"I know, baby girl. It's going to be okay."

"It won't. I can't...I'm sorry."

"Stay with me, Izzy." He grabbed my arms roughly, as if he was trying to keep me grounded in his world, but I shook my head.

"I'm sorry," I repeated and disappeared again.

-({})-

Carlisle was looking at me sadly.

"Maybe there are no small gods," I said, my voice hoarse from screaming. "Only small people."

**Author's Note: Yes, I've gone around the bend a couple of times. If you still enjoy this and haven't voted, BBS is a finalist in the Indie Twific Awards for Best AU or Canon. Voting closes after tomorrow so this is the last time I'll bug all of y'all about it. I do apologize for going on and on, this is the first time I've been nominated for an award for fiction so I kind of lost my mind a little bit in the excitement. I usually send previews but finished the chapter and decided to post tonight. Reviewers still receive my inappropriate love.**


	33. Exorcism

**Author's Note: BIG FUCKING NEWS. BBS Won the Indie! I don't know how to thank you crazy bitches enough for voting. This cold-hearted bitch actually cried when I got the email. AND AS IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, feathersmmmm, the author of the fanfic cult classic, Edward Wallbanger just rec'd BBS on her latest chapter update. It took me a good couple of hours to figure out why I suddenly had four-hundred ff notifications. Yeah, I'm not exaggerating. That girl needs to organize a religion or something, she is so loved. Thanks Alice! Anyhoo...**

"So, do you think we could get some privacy?" I asked nervously. Already, I was pretty certain how far I was willing to go with this charade. Anything. I would do absolutely anything to get my life back. With fumbling fingers, I slowly undid the buttons of my shirt. Gregory didn't even seem to notice until I got to the last button.

"I don't think so," he said and pushed me off of him. "Let me know when you manage to get my wife back in that body. Until then, just, no."

"It's me," I said meekly.

"What are our kids' names?" His eyes held mine with a desperate rage that was unlike the man I had gotten to know over the past couple of days.

"Um...kids?"

He glared at me. "Look, Izzy. I get it. You have post-traumatic stress syndrome. What happened to you was terrible, I know, baby. But suck it the fuck up. Your kids need you."

"I'm not Izzy," I admitted. "I'm Bella Swan."

"Yeah, well I'm fucking Zaphod Beeblebrox then." I cringed, wondering if he was going to hit me and also, what Zaffod-whatever-he-said-brox was. The pain that registered in his blue eyes when he noticed my flinching was ugly. "I'm not going to fucking hit you."

I nodded. "I don't know what to say. The truth is, I don't have any way of knowing that. Your wife is a psychotic bitch. I have to wonder about what kind of man would be married to a person like that."

"She's not a psycho bitch." His voice broke. Placing his hands on either side of my head, he looked into my eyes as if he was searching for something that was not there. "You don't see yourself very clearly."

"I think I've been told that before."

-({})-

Carlisle was a salad tosser.

My back arched as if I'd been electrocuted. "Fuck you, fucking cock-smoking, piece of shit good, good for fucking nothing," I screamed. "Give it to me. I need it!" The crappy iron bed pounded against the bed frame, lifting me with it, Linda Blair style. _What an excellent day for an exorcism_. A strange thought since currently, a vampire was trying to exorcize my demons. Digging my nails into my skin, I raked the flesh of my arm until it bled. The itching wouldn't fucking stop but I would tear myself out of my skin to get the bugs to stop crawling all over me.

"You think you can light a fire under my skin and smoke me out of _her_ body?" I keened, watching blood dot my arms.

"If you created me, Bella, why not make me do what you want?" Carlisle's voice was clinical and I wanted to hurl pea soup at him, but the thought of eating pea soup made me want to vomit. Yeah, it was circular logic.

"Can't."

"Why not?"

_That's much too vulgar a display of powers._

"I'll let Bella Swan come back for just a little Codeine."

"No, Isabella." Carlisle caught both my fists easily with his hand. "I don't want to strap you to the bed. You're stronger than this. It's only been a few days." He tried to rub my hands in a gesture of comfort but I continued to buck at him.

"I need it," I sobbed. "Please? I'll give you anything, just, please!"

"Dr. Cullen?" a needle brandishing _White Coat_ slithered into my room and inquired. Her skin was shiny and peeling and her eye shadow was green. Fucking serpent. The devil incarnate. "Do you need some help?"

"Fucking yes!" I screamed, salivating for whatever that needle had to offer.

"Nurse Cope, if I needed help, I clearly would have asked for it. Please get out."

Her eyes seemed to retract and her tongue tasted the air. Yeah, I was pretty far gone. I needed some drugs before my serotonin starved brain imploded. Hallucinations should not take place within the context of a hallucination.

"It hurts," I sobbed. "Just a little Benadryl for the itching. Please?"

"No. The medications are just convoluting your thoughts. This seems cruel, I know, Bella, but-"

"Edward. Get me Edward." Who the fuck said that?

-({})-

Was I dreaming? I awoke in another room entirely with _Breaking Dawn_ opened on my chest. _Yeah, I must be having a nightmare_. Although, the burning and itching has mercifully stopped. Which could only mean one thing: I was no longer in fucking Oz.

I examined my arm. No scratches at all, just big purple and yellow bruises.

Light poured into my eyes as the curtain around my bed was pulled back swiftly. My lids snapped shut. "Shit and ow!"

"Hello, Bella. Did you sleep well?" a nurse inquired pleasantly.

"Dude, I'm not even sure. Where am I?" She wrapped a blood pressure monitor around my tender bicep, and I yelped. "Fucking ow!"

"Well, what happened to our placid patient?"

Fucking Swan. She was a bigger pansy-ass than Cullen. "I'm feeling a little agitated. Could I get some Ativan?"

The nurse frowned at me. "Not after your little suicide attempt."

"What the fuck are you talking about? I never tried to kill myself. Where's Jake?"

The nurse grabbed my book. "Um, give him about thirty or so pages. Bella's going to vomit some fried chicken soon and then realize she's preggers. Jake narrates book two."

Oh, yeah. Wrong universe. "Where's Gregory?"

"Your husband?"

"No, Gregory fucking _House, MD_. Yes, my husband." Wait, could I wish myself into that universe? Did I have that kind of power? _Shit, I could totally go for a little Hugh Laurie and some Vicodin right about now._

"Visiting hours start at 10:00 a.m."

"Has he been here often?" I asked in a small voice. Shit, I really was trying not to think about him at all, but I was so achingly close to him right now, I couldn't help it.

"Every day."

"What about my... Was anyone with him?" She lifted the hem of my t-shirt and started fussing with the bandages on my stomach. Who was I asking for, exactly? Did I dare speak their names?

"No," she said dully and pulled tape off my skin. "I'm just changing the dressing. Has there been any leakage?"

"I don't know," I muttered. "What kind of cut is it?"

"The lacerations are pretty deep but the plastic surgeon did a really good job and you'll heal nicely."

"Thanks. I mean, is it like...claws or bites or...claws? What caused the cut?"

She looked at me like I had some sort of mental illness. Which I likely did. "A knife," she said and finished taping me up. "Do you want me call your doctor?"

"No." I turned away from her and faced the window. Geese flew in a V formation, but I couldn't remember if they were coming or going.

-({})-

"Edward," I moaned. It was my first conscious thought. His name passed my lips before I even realized I was speaking. A deep ache wracked my body, making it difficult to draw air into my lungs.

Again I was broken. Over and over again. He stitched up my heart, only to rip it from my body again. The anguish was palpable.

Oh, but the pain was also real.

My joints hurt in a way that was completely foreign to me, like my extremities were cold, but every inch of my body was coated in sweat. Pain shot through my muscles too, causing me to seize up and contort into terrible angles. Swallowing a sob, I rolled onto my stomach.

"Edward," I blubbered again. Flanagan would call me weak. I didn't care at all. I _was_ weak.

"I'm sorry, Bella."

The voice came from under my bed.

**Author's Note: Thanks to jkane180 (my beta) and wordslinger for keeping me insane. Read their work, it rocks. New BBS banner by worslinger posted on my profile. New readers, please follow me on twitter for updates and for the love of all that's unholy, leave a fucking review :) Reviewers get previews. I apologize to the late reviewers who didn't get one this time. **


	34. Banality of Evil

**Author's Note: Strap yourselves in and get ready for some weird. Spectacular Pussy Words in this chapter provided by fanfiction juggernauts, angstgoddess003 and ninapolitan c/o twitter. Colour me tickled purple! Also p-words from bforqueen (just posted her first fanfic so lover her up), jkane180 (my beta bitch) and profitina. Come play with us on twitter.**

A little mouse-like squeak escaped my lips when I meant to cry, scream, kill and make love to him, all at the same time. Instead, I emitted a tiny _eek!_

"You can't just expect to come out from under that bed and everything will be alright," I whispered. My intention was to sound angry. "I've been in Hell."

"May I hold you?"

_Yes!_

"What's the point? You'll just leave again, the next time that Jasper tries to take a bite out of me." Lowering my feet to the ground, I tried to stand up, but every muscle in my body was kinked. I cried out, despite my pitiful attempt to retain some self-respect. Edward's cold hand shot out from under the bed and grabbed my ankle, causing me to trip forward.

"Fuck!"

In a flash, I was cradled in his arms and he was glaring at me.

"Come back to me," he pleaded.

"Um, I'm right here."

"Fight your way back, love."

"I'm here!" I growled, struggling weakly against the iron grip of his arms. "Don't you even know the difference?"

"Bella?" His voice was exasperated, and he released me from his rough embrace.

"Yes?"

"I- I wasn't sure it was you. You swore."

"Well, I was in pain. I was frustrated. It happens sometimes." Covering my face with my hands in aggravation, I tried to decipher the meaning behind his sudden appearance. Really, I should have been elated but suspicion clouded my emotions. I splayed my fingers so that I could peek at his face, the beautiful face that I had missed so much for so long now. He appeared to contemplate my face too, before doing that sinus, nose-bridge, pinchy thing that he always did whenever my behaviour proved to be incorrigible for him.

"What are you doing here, Edward?" Point-blank was my best offence.

"Carlisle told me that Jacob imprinted."

The air was literally knocked from me. I inhaled quickly but couldn't fill my lungs properly. "What?" I wheezed dumbly.

"You weren't aware?" Edward was horrified. Clearly, he hadn't intended on hurting me with the news. Also, I wasn't sure why I was so devastated.

"Who..."

"Bella," he soothed. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I know this is hard for you. I could kill him for putting you through this-"

"Stop it." I covered his lips with my hand, and he kissed my fingers. "It's just a surprise."

"Would you like me to find him for you?"

I shook my head numbly. "As long as he's happy."

"Bella," he whispered, and I allowed him to draw me back against his crisp, cool shirt. It smelled sweet and clean, despite the timeshare space he had apparently purchased under my bed as of late.

"It can't be very comfortable under there," I mused, idly wondering if_ both_ of us would fit.

-({})-

"Isabella?"

Twirling a strand of blond hair around my finger, I grunted in acute concentration. Everything was clear: the ward, the bed, the crappy American cigarettes on the nightstand. If I squinted my eyes, I could see Edward gazing at me irreverently from under the bed.

_Cocksucker. Leave us alone. We don't need you._

Swan, that bloody stench trench, had the gall to force me back into oblivion...or away from oblivion? _Whatever. Here I am._ Back from Wonderland. Unplugged from the Matrix. Afraid and hateful.

"Isabella!"

The walls dissolved and I was in a soulless office with absolutely no distinguishing characteristics worth mentioning. It was positively evil in its banality.

"Dr. Shapiro? When did you get here?"

"Isabella, I've been trying to speak with you for twenty minutes now. What are you thinking about?"

"I have some new theories." The proverbial Leather Couch in a psychiatrist's office was a misnomer. There was no fucking couch in this room. The chair I sat in was covered with laminated vinyl or some other cheap-ass shit.

"I think we should step away from the postulating. We need to discuss what happened to you."

"Nah. I think a certain amount of repression is healthy."

"Isabella," Dr. Shaprio said sharply, "do you really believe that you're healthy?"

"I don't believe that I belong here so my health is of little consequence. I need to get back to the Twiverse to make things right."

"Isabella. I'm going to speak plainly now, and you are going to listen!"

"Jeez, no need to shout. I'm not deaf, asshole." I tried to jump to my feet but it was hot as holy hell in the stuffy office, and my bare thighs were stuck to the chair. Peeling my skin away from the cushion slowly, I tried to maintain an indignant expression. "Go for it. Speak nice and plain. We'll see if my itsy brain cells can keep up."

"I wasn't trying to undermine your intelligence."

"You have a gerbil dick," I spat, for no reason I could think of. Instantly, the doctor crossed his legs and bowed his head. Small dick accusations were the best way to evade an unwelcomed conversation. Well, fucking him would have probably worked too, but I didn't want his pencil dick anywhere near Fuckingham Palace. Oh, that was a good pussy word! Jess had told me that one before she was discharged. Ew, I just thought 'discharge' and 'pussy' back-to-back.

"I'm not fucking you," I added for clarification.

"Isabella. The police have found him."

"Found who?"

"You know who," he insisted. "Try to remember."

"What, are we playing Blue's Clues here? I don't have the soggiest."

"Your attacker. The police have a positive DNA match."

My stomach threatened to empty. Turning away from Dr. Shapiro, I heaved several times, but expelled nothing except bitter saliva.

"Do you think that I could Quantum Leap into the True Blood universe? I mean, I've thought about it before, but only recently discovered how powerful I really am."

_Delusions of Grandeur_, Dr. Shapiro scribbled on his note pad.

I tried to run from the room, but my feet were frozen in place. _Swan_, I hissed. _Get back here now or I will fuck up your shit. You have no idea._

"Are you listening, Isabella?"

"I don't care," I muttered and tried to tear at my scalp to distract myself with pain. Someone had cut my nails too short to do any real damage.

"You need to identify him."

I shook my head and said, "Go fuck a duck."

"I have a line-up of photos that the OPP couriered over this morning." He removed a manila envelope from his briefcase and handed it to me.

"I don't want to do this," I insisted and started tapping my heels together, willing myself away. "I'm so done with this shit."

Dr. Shapiro took the envelope and unsheathed a glossy photo. It looked so harmless.

"That's it?"

"It's just a photo. It can't hurt you," he assured me.

"Yeah, I guess."

Just a piece of paper. A picture. Only a picture.

I shouldn't have looked. I knew it. Why the fuck did I look?

At once, I knew him.

"No. It's not fucking possible."

"What is it?" Dr. Shapiro grabbed my arm. I was teetering.

"Jasper."

And that's when things started to get really weird...

-({})-

"Edward," I moaned and threw my head back so that he could taste my neck. "Ow!"

"There's not enough room under the bed." He was laughing against my throat, and I grabbed his hand, pressing it into my cooter.

Did I just think cooter?

"Shit!"

"Bella," he groaned and hitched one of my legs at his hip. "I can't properly make love to you under here."

In a flash we were on the bed. "Edward," I pleaded, "I don't want you to make love to me. I want to be fucked. Fuck me like you would fuck Flanagan."

His eyes narrowed. "You're the same person, love."

"Don't call me 'love.'" I spread my legs and moved my panties aside, gasping when his fingers made contact with my...my... "Pussy words," I cried. "We want pussy words."

"You're both in there?" he asked cautiously, pausing the puppetry work that _we_ were so enjoying.

"She's not forcing me to leave... But she won't let me use my vocabulary when it comes to...pussy. We want pussy words."

Edward brought his head back to my neck and kissed me. I shuddered, feeling a frenzied desire start to build deep within my cunt.

"Velveteen Love Pocket?"

Oh, fuck, that was a good one. "Yes! Get more creative. We don't want to hear 'hairy burrito' this time. Go fucking apeshit on us."

"The Mighty Love Sword's Fleshy Sheath." He kissed down my throat and whispered something that sounded like, "Supermassive Black Hole," against my collarbone. I nearly screamed when his tongue grazed the top of my breast. "Bearded Clam..."

"Get my clothes off. Now."

Buttons went flying and fabric was torn. I nearly came when I registered the fact that a piece of my shirt was in his mouth. He had ripped my shirt off with his teeth. Fuck.

"Please, Edward."

His fingers... Oh, fuck, he must have read a book on finger banging or something. I wasn't certain exactly what he was doing, but somehow he was rubbing my clit and hooking his fingers inside of me at the same time. The holy grail of the cock holster had been discovered and I wasn't sure if either of us had ever been touched like that before.

"What are you... How are you?"

"Does that feel good, lov- er, baby?"

"Shit, call me a 'love.' Call me a fucking 'wizard sleeve hairy potter' or some other Dungeons- and-Dragons-pussy-word, I don't care. Just fuck me, Edward. Fuck me right now!"

"What do you want?"

"I want you inside of me," I whimpered. My pussy would have purred and mewed if it could have.

"What do you want inside of you?"

_Is that a trick question?_

"No."

_Did I say that aloud?_

"No."

_Since when can you read my mind?_

"Since now. Call it by its name."

_What do you want me to say?_

"Say the C word, Bella. And I don't mean cunt."

**Author's Note: Did anyone notice the review button changed? Go ahead and press that bitch. She wants you to click her. I should mention that Little Furry Cannibals guessed that Jasper had some sort of connection to the attacker in the Flanaganverse. She's a clever kitten. I've recently finished a collab with restlessxpen which I'm itching to post but cannot because it's in a blind contest. Read her work. She fuck-tasticly awesome. Big kisses to my Chicken-Banger friends who stuck with me until this chapter. I used to think that a chicken banger was a person who did terribly foul things to fowl...apparently I was wrong. More inappropriate love to feathers.**

**PS - Any Canadians out there? My beta didn't know what OPP was. Do you?**


	35. Prince Everhard

**Author's Note: I owe a debt of gratitude to my new fandom friends ****TwiCharmed and AltheaJams**** who started a BBS thread over on Twilighted. I'll post a link on my profile. Please come play with us. We're sharing cockwards and pussy words galore. Twitter is now my new obsession. Stay tuned for some pimping in my end note. Thanks to my beta jkane180 and all of the bitches on the BBS thread for supplying an endless array of dirty words.**

So it seemed Edward fucking Cullen wanted to play my very own reindeer games. Shit, I could do that. Whatever got his rocks off was fine with me. Just so long as he fucked me good and proper.

"I love you," Swan said, and I rolled my eyes, but only in the figurative sense, at her lack of imagination.

"Bella," Edward groaned, holding me by my wrists. I tried to break from the manacle-like hold, but he was unyielding. "Say it again, please. Tell me you love me again. I could die, baby, when I hear those sweet words from your lips."

Further eye-rolling ensued, now in the _literal_ sense.

"I love you...you sparkly-dicked mother fucker."

The asshole smirked at me and said, "Where are my cock words?"

"Shut up and fuck me." I couldn't think. Lust possessed every impulse in me. Honestly, I had no access to whatever part of my brain controlled language.

"Give me a cock word, Flanagan." He transferred my wrists into one of his hands and lifted my arms above my head. My torso extended, and my breasts heaved desperately against his lean, sculpted chest.

"Um..." I faltered. He graced my painfully hard nipple with a teasing nip, before bringing his lips up to my neck. That sweet, cool finger found its way back into my pussy; however, it selfishly curved away from my most happy place. Fucking cunt-tease!

"Captain Slappy," I ejaculated, because it was the first word I could think of.

"You have a dirty fucking mind."

_Shut up!_ Swan was mortified, but I didn't care. She could go back to Southlake and deal with the shit storm that was my life if she didn't want to cooperate with me.

Swan wasn't fucking blind. She might have been a tight-cunted wimp, but she certainly wasn't stupid. Edward was naked and gorgeous as all fuck. Also, he was contrite and reverent: a winning combination. His near-feral desire for us crumbled through the carefully crafted mask of self-control that he wore. He looked like a predator...an Incubus...a fuck-beast!

"Growl for me?" I begged

"No," he said sternly. His fingers took a lazy walk to my ass cheek and gave it a little pinch. "Not until you please me with more fowl language from that dirty fucking mouth of yours."

_Holy fucking crow!_ Neat... Swan just thought that one all on her own. She writhed and bucked against our would-be lover, while I busied myself with trying to recall colourful language.

"Purple-headed bitch splitter." Yeah, that was a good one. I reached down and fisted his love length. "Aw, shit. It's too fucking sweet for words. I mean, I get you're a vampire and everything about you is designed to appeal to your prey or whatever... But dude, your wang is like _epic _hot."

Edward's cocky smile faltered a little. "I understood very little of what you just said."

"I said, 'Your dick is pretty and I'd like to sit on it.'"

-({})-

"I heard you the first time."

_Oh, fuck no! _

I was back in Southlake. That in itself would have been a slap in the tits, however, I was also kneeling in front of my psychiatrist.

He helped me to my feet while I mumbled a mortified apology. We both sat in our respective plastic chairs; he was panting, and I was trying not to vomit.

"Isabella... I'd like to take a moment to address your, er- rather promiscuous behaviour..." Dr. Shapiro stammered, staring down at the bulge in his pants.

"Um, what?"

"It would be unethical for me to let you sit on my dick, Isabella. You're a beautiful woman, and if you hadn't just been raped, I might even consider it..."

"Shut the fuck up!" Fucking ew! There was no way in hell I would ever sit on this jerkwad's johnson.

"Your reaction to the attack is somewhat unorthodox but not unheard of."

"I'm not promiscuous," I insisted.

"Please, there's no reason to feel ashamed. Rape is not about sex. It's an act of violence. Do you think that maybe you're trying to regain control over your destiny by manipulating the men around you through seduction?" The sick fuck licked his lips in a manner that hardly quelled my nausea.

"Believe me when I tell you that I have no intention of fucking you. Ever. Also, I have absolutely no control over my destiny. If I did, I'd be back in the Twilight universe making love to a fuck-hot vampire, who makes up for being a pansy-ass by being the god of finger banging. Also, you don't exist. The reason I know this, is Jasper doesn't exist in this universe, so there's no way he could have been the attacker. Also, _also_, I'd never fuck you. Never. Not even with your wife's pussy."

Dr. Shapiro's ego and erection deflated before me. It wasn't my intention to be cruel, but he needed to know my position on the matter of us making bouncy castles. My fortress was sealed, as far as his lance was concerned.

"Who is Jasper?"

"It's not important."

-({})-

"NO!"

"What's wrong, love?"

"Oh, Edward. She's back. I just got rid of her, and she's back again." I imagined a pillow and covered Flanagan's mouth with it.

_You son-of-a-fuck! I will END you, if you pull that shit on me again... _She battled for dominance, but I managed to keep the bitch at bay.

"It's alright, Bella. Let's stop. I'll just hold you." Edward's melodic voice belied the anxiety that tightened the flesh around his eyes.

"Fuck that! I want you, Edward. I'm not letting her get in the way of us being together. She's fucked with our destinies for the last time. You're mine!" I grabbed his face roughly and attacked his lips.

"My teeth! Please, love. Be careful."

"No," I growled. "Change me, Edward. She'll have no control over me if you turn me."

"Bella," he protested against my insistent kisses. "If I change you right now, I might be damning you to living with a confused mind for the rest of eternity."

Each one of my kisses was reciprocated with one of his own. I reminded myself to breathe through my nose so that I wouldn't pass out. "Please, Edward? Change me?"

"No, Bella. Give Carlisle more time...we need to exorcize your demons before turning you into one yourself."

"Clever," I groaned.

"Do you still want me, Bella?" His voice sounded so vulnerable.

"Forever and always. Will you change me?"

"Yes. But not tonight." A growl tore through his entire body, as he settled himself between my legs. "Right now I have other desires that need to be sated."

I giggled, despite myself. "Don't you crave my blood?"

"I crave your body, Bella." He lined his cock up with my lips and I lifted my hips to meet him. He took himself in his hand and rubbed the head against my swollen clit in tantalizing circles. I was so slick with desire for him, my hungry cunt kept trying to swallow him with every pass. I writhed and moaned and arched against him.

"You really want me...lust after me?" He was so hard but still, I couldn't quite believe it.

"After a century of celibacy, you're my only sexual outlet."

_Yes!_

"You better plug yourself in, then."

All at once, his cock impaled me completely and, as if anticipating my reaction, he locked his mouth to mine to quiet my screams of ecstasy. We stayed connected and unmoving and kissing for several moments, before he finally dragged himself down the walls of my pussy in a delicate stroke. His cool, bare skin both ignited and quenched my desire, all at once.

_More, faster, harder! Can you hear me?_

Over and over again, he split me. Oh, I couldn't get enough; I would never get enough. I bucked and squealed and pleaded with his body for more friction.

_Faster, Edward! Harder!_

He still set an achingly slow pace, despite my silent pleas to be sated. Our hips connected, but he would not acquiesce.

"I love you, Bella," he panted into my mouth, and I cried out, squeezing my thighs around his hips like a clamp.

"Oh, please, Edward!" I whimpered and bucked. Pressing my palms into the small of his back, I guided him to fuck me at a faster pace. "Please, Edward!"

"Faster?"

"Yes!"

Grunting like a beast, he moved impossibly fast, yet gentle. In fact, the motion created a buzzing vibration deep within me. Pleasure rocketed through my body as his hips became a blur of motion, too fast for my poor, human eyes to comprehend.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" I screamed and came. Oh, my fucking god, I came harder than I had ever climaxed before, in my sad, sex-starved life.

He pulled out and helped me ride out the crest and fall of my orgasm on his hand. I begged him to come with me, and he capitulated...all over his stomach after a pull of his fist.

"I remembered to pull out, this time," he said, proudly.

I smiled and cuddled into the crook of his arm. "You're still hard," I mused.

"Indeed. Want to go again?"

"Okay! Oh, and I think I have the perfect cock word for you..."

"Yeah? What is it?"

"Prince Everhard of the Netherland."

**Author's Note: Do you have any favourite cockwards? Let me know in your review. Here's what I'm reading this week:**

**Fellow Indie winner Katinki's Dark Games & Twisted Minds. Her story was featured on the twitter readalong last week, hosted by angstgoddess003. I've also just started Relative Wind by Mac214 and it's fuckhott.**

**Also, TwiCharmed sent out an evite for a site launch on April 18th www(.)twificnews(.)com - she's also posted an evite on twitter.**

**Finally, I'm going to pimp myself. I wrote an offshoot one-shot of BBS for bforqueen's birthday called Bianca's Becoming Bella Swan. Warning, it's silly. I mean silly of Douglas Adams proportions. Also, it's a Jake lemon, which I know leaves a sour taste in some of your mouths.**


	36. Enema

**Author's Note: Hello. If I didn't reply to your review, then I'm a shit eating monkey cock. Let me know. Thanks to my Jessie-Jess for the beta (jkane180). A/N with recs and news at the end.**

_Nothing ruins a post-coital afterglow like an enema. _Shit, I should have been writing these gems down. Where the fuck was my journal?

Edward had the decency to leave the room while Nurse Betty attempted to flush my colon. Yep, it was fucking happy hour at Casa del Loco.

"This is humiliating," I muttered, clenching my sphincter within an inch of its life. The White Coat smirked at my naked, prone body.

"You brought this on yourself," she said righteously.

See, that was her first mistake. I stood and unclenched, spilling forth a rank river from out of my bowels and onto the floor.

"Don't mess with Bella Flanagan," I spat, making sure some of my foul water dripped onto her shoes. "Unless you want to get shat on."

Sadly, the puddle on the floor contained no excrement whatsoever. Stupid, binding medications. Detoxing fucking sucked.

"You cunt," she hissed and pulled out a hypodermic from her pocket as if that bitch was spring-loaded. She pinched the cap off, and my body became lax, even before the needle pierced my skin.

"Fuck," I groaned. It was only a muscle needle, so the relief was likely a placebo at this point. "So fucking good."

"That should quiet your smart mouth some." She was proud of herself. But pride cometh before the fall.

"That was your second mistake, asshole. I'm in detox."

Her smug face contorted into panic. "Right...I mean, I should have..."

"You should have checked the chart." Ah, she had only just ass-raped me, and already we were finishing each other's sentences.

"Carlisle will have me fired for this."

"Cry me a shitty fucking river."

Suddenly, my universe bayed on all fours while what remained of my sanity was fucked on all fronts.

-({})-

"Isabella, wake up, sweetheart..."

"Bella," I corrected and opened my sore eyes. It felt like I had been sleeping for centuries. "Carlilse?" I squinted through the floaters in my eyes and shook my head like a wet dog. "Ugh, what happened?"

"What do you remember?"

My face felt heated as images of Edward's naked body came rushing back to me. I was pretty sure that I was blushing. "Edward," I said. "We made love..."

"What else?"

"I'm not sure, Carlisle. Flanagan took over for a while," I muttered sheepishly, taking futile sweeps at my eyes with my fists. My vision wouldn't clear. "I- I'm not sure where I went this time, when she took over."

"Do you want to know what I think, Bella?" Carlisle sat down carefully on the bed beside me.

"Of course."

"I think you're trapped in a memory. You're hallucinating, walking around in a dream-like state and sending aspects of yourself back in time."

"Um, I'm not sure that I understand what you mean." Did he have to be so cryptic? My head was pounding like Tommy Lee was playing a solo on it. Christ, even at my best, I had no hope of competing in a battle of wits against a three-hundred year-old immortal.

"You're having trouble reconciling fact from fiction..."

I nodded my head because, well, duh!

"Your desire to uncover the truth is now more fervent than your mind's need to protect itself through repression and displacement. It's quite fascinating, almost as if your hallucinations are guiding you to the truth."

"Where's Edward?" I asked suddenly.

"He's visiting with Jacob Black."

"Why?" I squeaked.

"Calm down, Bella. He wants to know more about what happened after you were attacked by Laurent."

"Too bad he wasn't around to have witnessed it for himself." My voice had a bitter edge to it that was likely out of character. Carlisle gave me his unfaltering look of fatherly compassion. Instantly, I bowed my head in shame.

"You know why he left, Bella."

"Yeah," I swallowed. "Because Jasper tried to attack me at my birthday party."

Carlisle looked surprised. "No," he said simply.

"Um, yes?"

"No," he insisted. "We weren't here for your birthday."

"I don't understand."

"We left in August. Edward insisted we leave, although it killed Alice. She had been planning your birthday for weeks already."

"You're wrong!" I sat up on the bed and poked him in the chest, nearly snapping my finger. He caught my fist in his before I could harm myself. "There was a party...and presents...and a paper cut. You fixed my arm and told me about how you changed Edward. He was dying from the flu and you changed him. Bit him like you were bitten so that he would become a vampire."

"No, Bella. We never had that conversation."

"You told me that his mother seemed to know that you were..._different_. That Elizabeth Masen might have had a psychic ability like Edward."

"Elizabeth was already dead when Edward was brought to my hospital. I never had the chance to meet her."

"Oh." I was struggling. My brain would not cooperate. I tried to summon tangible memories to mind of the party, but my recollections felt hollow. Maybe my story ended with the first book. Maybe the second book never started at all.

Words fell off the page like grains of sand.

"Did Jasper attack me?"

"Yes."

"But not at my birthday..."

"He attacked you in the forest."

I furrowed my brow. "No, that never happened. What was I doing in the woods with Jasper?"

"Bella," Carlisle cautioned. "I'd like to uncover this particular memory delicately..."

"No!" I snapped. "This is my mind, damn it! I want my memories back. What was I doing in the forest with Jasper?"

"Close your eyes, Bella." Carlisle's melodic voice took on a monotonous tone. The rise and fall of his words transformed into a peripheral buzzing. He was speaking, but I couldn't make out the meaning behind what he said. My subconscious mind battled for dominance with my senses. I mean, I thought it did. It's not like I would be conscious of it because then it wouldn't ...be...my...my... Oh, gosh. I was sooo tired. My eyes, already heavy, seemed to close of their own volition.

I could no longer feel the hospital bed under my back. The buzz of fluorescence overhead faded into the sounds of squawking birds. The stale air of my room was replaced by hot summer rain.

I was outside, but that wasn't all that had changed. I was different. Unbroken.

"Alice?" Damn, my new phone was so complicated. "Please? Meet me at the turn-off for Andersonville of the one-oh-one...or, at least call me when you get this message." My decision was sudden. I wasn't sure if she would foresee my request. Also, I hoped to God that Edward wasn't in earshot when she did.

I kicked stones along the path that led into the woods and decided to start walking. Alice would know how to find me.

_This phone is utterly ridiculous. Renee shouldn't be wasting money on things like this._ I didn't mean to think such ugly thoughts. It just baffled my mind how she could act like such a child: purchasing expensive items on a whim, quitting her job to be a full-time roadie for Phil. And now, they were living in another country altogether. It irked me. She was so willing to give up who she was just to keep him happy.

Yes, I did recognize the irony. I wasn't stupid. My situation was vastly different, though.

"Alice," I murmured, feeling ridiculous. "You have to listen to me. He won't do it...only you can. Please? I trust you, Alice. I trust you to change me..."

It had occurred to me that since the decision had been made by me, Alice could probably follow my thoughts. I didn't even need the phone at all.

Suddenly, the ground tripped away from me, and I fell forward onto my stomach. "Crap," I muttered, grateful that the only creature to witness my spastic clumsiness was a goose.

"Are you hurt?"

"Jasper?" My voice was incredulous. "What are you doing here?"

"I got your message," he explained. I rolled over onto my back and saw him standing several paces away from me holding Alice's phone. "She's hunting with Edward. Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, fine. Sorry, I didn't mean for you to have to come out here. I needed Alice." Crap, if she was with Edward than he probably had figured out what I was up to.

"Bella..."

"Do you think Alice could block her thoughts from Edward? I mean, if she really, really wanted to?"

Jasper's eyes were turning onyx. It was very strange. "Bella..." He moved toward me like a stalking cat, twitching with excitement.

"Jasper?" A line of blood tricked down my leg.

"You've skinned your knee."

"S-Sorry," I stuttered.

"I can't help myself, Bella. I want you. I have to have you...I'm sorry."

"Okay, Jasper, but could you not kill me all the way dead?"

-({})-

"I really hate that Jizz monkey!" My eyes snapped open and an underwear model was holding me down. No joke! "Hello, salty goodness."

"Hey, pussy-word girl."

Carlisle looked pained by our exchange. "How are you feeling, Bella?"

"Fan-fucking-tastic!" I turned to the beautiful hunk of man-meat who was my straight jacket. "I want to suck your cock," I explained.

He grinned, "Oh, I like crazy Bella. Can we keep her?"

"Emmett!" Carlisle snapped.

"Emmett!" I repeated. "Wow. Finally some apt fucking casting. You're totally Kellan. I want to have little vampiric, Calvin Klein-modeling babies with you."

"Oh yeah?" he smirked.

"Ah-huh. Give me that sparklepeen, baby. I have a present for you."

His smile grew even wider. "Fuck, yeah!"

"Emmett!" Carlisle yelled. "I have one word for you."

"Whut?"

"Rosalie."

"Shit."

The smile faded off the face of my would-be fuck puppet. "You're just as pansy-assed as your fucking brother, aren't you?"

All of these idiots were full of shit, but somehow, I was the one who started the day off with an enema.

**Author's Note: Lets start with a rec...Fallen Princess by Bianca, pen name bforqueen. It's a Volturi AU and folks, English is not B's first language but she speaks it better than most of us. Started reading The Intern by a really enthusiastic reviewer called addicttwilight2. It's yummy.**

**CONTEST! Katinki (owner of Renward, Renfield and Chiclets) and BellaFlan (me) are running a contest with some awesome judges. More will be posted over the weekend and I'll link up on my profile. Let's just say, it's just in time for Mother's Day *evil laughter***

**Um...stuff: I'm going to post previews on the BBS thread over on Twilighted. If you have questions or want to engage in some random fuckery, come on over. I have a formspring thingy for random questions but I haven't figured the bitch out yet. Links and stuff on my profile. So, please review me. I keep my iPhone in my pocket. Constant reviews means I won't have to spend the $5.00 on that vibrator app.**


	37. Bounty

**Author's Note: Sonja is back! Sonja belongs to wordslinger (I borrowed her from the fic 'Distortion'.) I've been collecting dialogue from wordslinger's emails. That's right, bitch, I really do have a file on you! Thank you to all reviewers, readers, tweeters, and fandom friends who keep me writing. Again, if I didn't respond to a review, let me know. I don't mean to be a bitch. BTW, Jkane180 is the world's best beta. I love her sfm. Ahem...**

My room was too fucking crowded. Solace was a luxury that the truly crazy could not afford.

"So you're what, exactly? My babysitter?" Sonja was pulling a brush through my hair for reasons that I didn't understand. I closed my eyes, and tried not to enjoy the feeling of her fingers running down the back of my neck. If she wasn't all imprinted and shit on Jake, I would have suspected she was trying to make time with Emmett... or possibly me. "Because I have a bad track record with one of Edward's vampire brothers already. I'm a bonafide Scooby Snack to your kind."

"Meh, I've smelled tastier. Edward's got his head up his ass. You smell no more delicious than the next sweet, young thang. He's Victorian. It's easier for him to come to terms with his lust for your blood than his hankering for your poonany."

"Oh, he's been all up in there already," Sonja smirked and inexplicably lowered her face to my hair to inhale. "Mmm. Strawberries."

"Bitch, are you done nose-fucking my hair?" I slapped her hand away from me and then instantly regretted the action. Her eyes took on an eerie calm that belied the violence in her stance. She clenched her fist.

"I'm going to punch you," she said simply. I squeezed my eyes shut and grinned.

"I'll share my percs if you don't mess with my nose."

"Nah, I don't go halfsies. You can do me next. Those tiny hands of yours won't do much damage."

"Stop it, ladies. You can both have me." Emmett stood between us, and I sagged against his hugely muscled arm. His girth was impressive. I wondered how much heat he was packing all over.

"Do you think he's packing?" I asked Sonja. "Is there brawn where there are no brains?"

Crazy people seem to have a nearly psychic connection. I didn't even need to explain myself. The excitement in her maniacal eyes was evident. Her face exploded into a joyous smile.

"Not Brawny! Bounty!!! He's bringing me Bounty!!!"

So, yeah... Sometimes my assessments aren't always correct. "I have no clue what you're talking about," I said, because I really didn't. Was Bounty some sort of chocolate bar with coconut?

"Bounty," she repeated, like a three-year-old waxing lyrical about her blankie.

"Okay... So, Emmett. Now that Carlisle's out of sight, wanna sample the other white meat? Once you go human, sparkly, cold vag will never satisfy you again."

"Aw, shit, crazy-Bells. You know I can't do it." His eyes lowered to my tits, without apology. I grabbed his hands and brought them to my breasts.

"Kiss me, Em?" I tried to step towards him, but he held me at arm's length, still cupping the girls. He looked at Sonja and furrowed his brow, fighting against either a question of morality or logistics.

"Don't worry about her. She's a couple of tacos short of a fiesta platter. She won't care."

"No, Belly. Can't do it." He removed his hands from me and pulled me into a stupid hug. "I wish you'd get better."

"Thanks," I tried to say, but my face was squashed against his pectorals. It was like face planting into granite. Not the least bit pleasant.

"You could show me those titties, if you want. Edward will be back soon though, so hurry."

"No fucking way. Not unless you show me King Dong." But honestly, I had lost interest. Edward _would _be back, and I had too many questions that needed answers. Emmett looked down at his crotch in contemplation.

He lowered his jeans, but not his Calvin's. "Forget it. The offer expired. I'm not flashing you." Swan must have skidded close to the surface as I spoke. Playing this game with Emmett felt almost incestuous all of the sudden.

"Don't you want more?" he taunted with a lascivious grin that seemed out of place on such a dimpled face. "I'll show you more. Show me those titties."

I shook my head. Sonja pulled my attention away from Emmett. She was jumping up and down, still muttering about "Bounty," only now, she was distracted.

"Yeah, I bet you want more," Emmett repeated and exposed the top of his happy trail.

"Yes, I want some fucking more!!!" Sonja yelled and removed her shirt. "Whip it out! Tit for tat!!!"

"Stop it, Cum Bucket. You're imprinted now. Leech peen is off limits." I tried to get her dressed, when she seemed to remember something.

"Wasn't I supposed to punch you?"

"Umm..." _Shit and fuck and stuff!_

Her fist connected with my jaw, and my head snapped back.

"Fucking, ow!!!" Blood pooled into my cheek, and I spat upon instinct.

"So not cool." Emmett's voice was stressed. As stressed, I imagined, as he was capable of sounding. The amber of his eyes darkened a couple of shades, as he stood transfixed by the little drop of blood on the cracked, high-gloss, linoleum floor.

"Emmett?"

"Yeah?" he muttered, and grappled for his pants in haste. "I want that blood. Just a little taste, Belly? It's already on the ground."

Sonja bared her teeth in a hiss and glared at the crimson stain. "Where the fuck is my Bounty?!" Her agitation confounded me. I mean, I was the one who was bleeding.

"Ow," I moaned and knelt beside her. "Hand me a tissue. Emmett can't handle the blood."

"A tissue won't fucking do, you bitch! We need the good stuff." Sonja pushed me away from the tiny drop of liquid on the floor and started shaking. "Unclean," she sobbed, pointing her trembling fingers at the floor.

"I fucking hate you."

"I fucking hate body fluid!"

"Well. That's kind of ironic, coming from a chick called 'Cum Bucket,' doncha think?" Poor Jake wasn't getting head anytime soon.

"I have to get out of here, Belly. I'm sorry." Emmett's drew his face down with shame, and I nodded.

"Go," I said. "Send for drugs and ice."

He opened the door and collided with Edward's fist. Well, that was some perfect fucking timing. It was strange, I hadn't even noticed how alone I felt until Edward was back in my vicinity. Almost unconsciously, I positioned myself closer to him, seeking the healing balm of his cool hand for my bruised face.

_I need cuddles, Edward._ My mental voice was a pout. He didn't seem to hear me, though. _Cuddles!!!_

Emmett raised his hand in surrender. "Dude, I know what you're thinking, but--"

"No, Emmett. I know what _you_ _were_ thinking." Edward kicked his brother off balance. _Nice!_ His Chuck Norris roundhouse into Emmitt's shin made me feel kind of swoony. Then again, I was currently bleeding into my throat.

"Get the fuck away from my mate!" Edward's voice was beyond feral. His beautiful fucking face took on the look of a vengeance god... and he was all mine!

_Forget cuddles. Come here and fuck me._

"Dude, I'm so sorry. I wasn't gonna do anything, I swear. I just wanted to see her--"

I never saw the blow Edward dealt to his brother, however I did feel bits of concrete hit my head when he connected with the wall.

"Bounty!!!" Sonja shrieked and launched herself towards the sparring vamps.

"Shit. Stop!" My hand shot out, but I missed the collar of her shirt. "Stop fighting, Edward. Crazy fucking bitch incoming!!!"

Edward stopped moving, mid-strike, and fell gracefully onto his feet, while Emmett stood from his defensive crouch. If this was a movie, I would have described the direction of the scene before me as _David Fincher style_.

"Bounty," Sonja sobbed. Jake appeared in the doorway and caught her in his arms.

"Shh, baby. It's okay. I got it." His lips brushed softly against hers. "Stop fighting or I'll phase," he threatened.

"I'm on a tangent, Jake. Shush." David Fincher made me think, of course, of _Fight Club_. "Do you think that everyone else knew the truth about Tyler Durden?"

"What?" Edward asked.

"Huh?" Jake grunted.

"Bounty!" Sonja squealed.

"Fight Club!!!" Emmett enthused.

"Exactly!" I turned to Emmett and smiled. He gave me a tentative grin and then shot a look at Edward.

"Bella? What's wrong, honey?" Jake asked. The term of endearment he used elicited simultaneous growls from Edward and Sonja.

I ignored them all and dully stepped between the vamps, to my vanity. I contemplated my reflection in the little mirror on the (cracked) wall. Bella Swan stared back. "There's a scene in the movie, where Brad Pitt says to Edward Norton, 'Hey, you created me. I didn't create some loser alter-ego to make myself feel better. Take some responsibility!' What a great fucking line!"

Edward moved from his frozen offense to wrap his arms around me. "And you're wondering who created whom?" He nearly rolled his eyes at me because, I'm sure, the deja vu had grown tiresome.

"Yeah. Fucking mind reader."

"I can't read your mind right now, love. I seem to only be able to do it when your personalities are in flux."

"Bounty!!!"

"What the fuck, Cum Bucket? Why do you keep saying that??"

Jake handed her a large bag and brushed her hair away from her eyes tenderly. "Bounty," he said softly.

"Ahhhh," she exhaled and touched the plastic reverently before tearing open the wrapping altogether. "Bounty Extra Soft. I fucking love them." She ripped a sheet off the roll and rubbed it against her face. "After my shower tonight, I'm wearing them. I fucking swear. I love them that much."

"Bounty," I groaned. "Fucking Bounty!"

Jake smiled at his deranged imprint, and then looked at me. "We need to talk to you, Bells."

I wasn't listening. "She's fucking nuts, Jake. That's shit isn't normal. I mean, it's okay to love your paper towel, but you shouldn't _love _your paper towel--"

"Bella!" Jake growled. "Listen to me. Charlie sent for Renee, Bells. They're talking about sending you back to Toronto."

Um... What the fuck?

**Author's Note: So, first off. Have you heard of Katinki? She's a mad fucking scientist which automatically makes her a genius. Well, we're running a contest all about Monster in Laws. C'mon ladies, I bet you have some sort of opinion on this topic? We have an epic panel of judges and I hope all of y'all will show me your bestest Twific monster in law story. Check the link on my profile for details.**

**Questions, comments, complaints? Join me on the BBS thread... or tweet, formspring, PM or review me. I'm a complete social media whore. Don't be shy. **

**Also, my beta asked me to post a link to the Kellan Calvin commercial, in case you've been living under a rock: www(.)xmarkyourspot(.)com/#/intro**

**Do you want some fucking more??**


	38. Emmett Outtake

**Author's Note: This is just an outtake, Flanny. Don't get carried away.**

Isabella Flanagan glared at me through the page, and the narrative transformed into first person.

- ({}) -

"What are you doing, Bells?"

"Shhh, Carlisle won't be back for ages, and you're supposed to keep an eye on me. I'd like you to keep other parts of your body on me, too." I lifted the front of his shirt and traced the lines of his abs, watching the muscles shudder beneath my hands spasmodically. My fingers lowered to the 'V' beneath his navel. "I want you to prove to me that you're not a pansy-ass like Edward. Fuck me like a real vampire would."

"No, Bells... I won't do it," he said, guiding my hand to the elastic of his underwear. "Just touch me a little."

"Okay," I said, grazing the tip of his cock with my fingernail.

"And let me touch you some..."

"Sure."

"And can I kiss you, Bells?"

"Yeah, Emmett. Have at it." He brought his lips to mine carefully, stopping about an inch away, our noses nearly grazing.

"And maybe fuck you a little?"

"Emmett?"

"Yeah-huh?

"Stop talking."

Dipping under his Calvin's (I know, can you fucking believe it?!), my fingers wrapped around the elastic and yanked down quickly. The light pouring through the slit in the window highlighted his massive cock, illuminating the skin with a delicate sheen. I made a tight fist around his dick and gave him a couple of firm pulls. His reaction was most surprising. He lowered his head into my hair and whimpered.

"Fuck me, Bella. You're so warm and delicate. I don't want to hurt you."

"Are you worried that you're going to break my hand with your cock? I gotta tell you; that would be impressive."

He bucked into my hand at warp speed, nearly shattering my fingers. "Oh my god, ow!" I cradled my dick-pumping hand against my chest and pulled away. "Colour me fucking impressed."

"Shit, Belly. I'm sorry. I've never fucked a mortal before."

"Yeah, that's something a girl wants to hear. Maybe this isn't such a great idea, Em."

"Aw, c'mon. You got him all excited now. Just stroke him a little more. I'll be more careful." The fucker made puppy dog eyes at me while simultaneously flexing every muscle in his upper body. "Please? I'll be really good to you in return. I'm fucking epic at going downtown! Your spasm chasm won't know what hit it."

Despite his disgusting display of bravado and uninspired euphemisms, I relented.

"Get naked you sparkly fucker. All the way naked."

"Yes, ma'am!" His face exploded into grin and dimple, and I was delighted to see that he had a matching pair of dimples on his ass too. He shrugged off his shirt and stepped out of his jeans, employing only human speed despite the fact that he was wagging his ass at me like an excited puppy. "Now you. Show me those titties."

"And despite what you just said, I'm getting naked. If you weren't such a fuckhot motherfucker, there's no way this would be happening." I pulled my 'Team Eric' t-shirt over my head and then fumbled with the clasp on my bra. When I finally peeled it away from my breasts, Emmett's eyes became saucers.

"Woah! What are your nipples doing?"

So, that wasn't the response I had expected. "Um, getting hard?"

He slid his hands over my stomach and around my back. "Can I touch them?"

"Sure."

He made little circles on my nipples for a moment before pulling them gently between his fingers. "So soft," he groaned, staring passionately into my eyes... At least, he would have been if my eyes were located on my chest. "Can I lick them?"

"Go for it."

Apparently, Emmett had some major Oedipal issues to work through. He latched onto my boob, swirling his tongue around the nipple several times before kissing around it over and over again. "Look at it pucker!" he exclaimed in wonderment and blew cool air onto my damp skin.

"Omigod, stop!" I yelled and smacked his cheek. "Dude, that shit is all kinds of weird."

"Sorry! Vampire titties don't do this. Can I fuck your tits?"

"No," I snarled and grabbed my shirt. "This freakshow fuck is over. Get out of my room."

"What?"

"You heard me, asswipe. I'm not your science experiment so if you're not going to fuck me properly, you can crawl back into your vampire bitch's cunt and leave me the fuck alone." I opened the door to usher him out, but in a flash, he had me pinned against it, shutting it with his fist.

"You've never fucked a real man before, have you, little girl?" His voice was an inhuman growl, falling nearly an octave below its natural timbre.

"Um..."

"Take your pants off, slut," he ordered, cupping me between my legs. Instantly, my panties grew damp.

"Take them off yourself, whore." My voice was an impassioned moan. I fucking loved it when pansy-vamps got dirty.

"If I have to do it, it might not be gentle."

"Fuck gentle."

He dropped to his knees and bit into the pocket of my jeans. Within seconds, my pants were shredded into confetti. Another snarl tore through him as he positioned his head between my thighs. Before I knew what was happening, he hooked my legs around his neck and held me up with one hand on my ass. The other hand moved my panties to the side, revealing my pussy.

"So pink and moist," he muttered and licked me several times. "So fuckin' sweet."

"Oh my god!" was all I could manage to yell. His tongue plunged deep inside of me while his free hand massaged my clit.

"That's right, say my name, bitch."

"You're not 'my god,' dickmunch."

"Oh yeah? I bet I could have you praying at my alter."

Yeah, I bet he could too. My thighs squeezed his hard head tightly between them. He grabbed my ass with both of his hands and lifted me high on his chin. It's a good thing I wasn't afraid of heights... or vampire cunnilingus for that matter. He licked me over and over again before creating a wave with his tongue and massaging deep within my slit. I moaned like an over-sexed porn star.

"You like that?"

His tongue started to flutter like humming bird wings inside of me, the tip inexplicably grazing my holy grail with each upward lick. "Edward!"

"Emmett," he corrected.

"Yeah, Emmett! Oh fuck, that feels good."

He bent his head back all the way and extended his tongue like a cool, wet, vibrating dick. He then proceeded to tongue fuck me by pounding my cunt into his face. It was like riding a tilt-a-whirl and getting head at the same time.

"Fuck, Emmett. I need you to fuck me now."

He ignored me, slicing deep into my cunt over and over again. I closed my eyes and clutched his forearms, losing myself in the rhythm and cold ecstasy of his skilled mouth.

"Emmett," I pleaded like a bitch. He moved one of his hands around to my abdomen and I tensed, clutching his arm frantically.

"Bella," he said, gasping (which was strange since he didn't breathe). "I won't drop you. Trust me. I'm not gonna hurt you. Relax."

For some reason, that was so fucking sexy I wanted to come. I relaxed. Every muscle relaxed except the muscles deep within my pussy. He lifted and dropped me onto his face while massaging my clit in gentle circles. He was both rough and tender with me at once.

"Fuck," I groaned, feeling my walls tighten around his tongue. "I'm gonna come."

"Not yet." Before I could argue, he set me on my feet. "First you're gonna suck it."

"Mother shitter!" Who the fuck did he think he was? "I nearly came. Why did you stop?"

"Get my dick wet." He motioned for me to drop to my knees.

"Not until I come," I protested. He shook his head and pressed his palm flush against my crown.

"Neither of us will come until the eel has been delivered to the fish market."

I dropped to my knees and replied, "Is that a Chinese proverb?"

"C'mon, cuntcake. Suck me. Stop beating around the tree."

My mouth responded in a non-verbal fashion, my tongue swirling around his tip. He tasted clean and sweet.

"Ahhhh, yeah, Belly. Fuck that feels so good. You're so hot, I can't take it."

He was pretty fucking hot too. Suddenly, I sucked him with a renewed gusto, wanting to lick and kiss and fuck every inch of his magnificent body. Shit, I couldn't help myself. I didn't even care when he hit the back of my throat, making me gag slightly. When I felt his balls start to tighten beneath my fingers, he grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled me off of him.

"Belly," he groaned and pulled me against his chest. "I don't wanna jizz in your mouth. Let's get my flute in your chute."

"I do believe that you're trying to seduce me with all of those pretty words."

"Yeah, well, you just gobbed on my knob. I'm pretty sure you're gonna let me in that joybox."

I sighed. "Emmett. I think you're probably my soulmate or something. Too bad it'll never work in this universe."

"Sweet, Belly. I've always been crazy about you." He brought his lips to mine and kissed me gently. "You're so fucking beautiful and deranged."

"You, too."

"Lie down and let me get another look at you."

I sprawled out onto my back and laced my fingers through his, motioning for him to join me. He draped his heavy body on top of mine, our fingers still linked.

"The safe word is 'taco.'"

"Um, safe word?"

"Yeah, if you want me to stop what I'm doing, use the safe word. Just say 'taco' and I'll stop whatever I'm doing to you."

"Why can't I just say 'stop?'"

"Nah, taco is better."

He made a fist around his length and urged my thighs apart with his hips. I wrapped my legs around his waist, digging my heels into his ass.

"Edward's girly dick can't do what mine can, baby. I'm about to give your pipes a good cleaning."

"Shut the fuck u--Oh. Oh, fuck." He drove himself forward inside of me, effectively silencing me, save for whatever moans and screams of pleasure escaped my lips.

"That good, baby?"

"Emmett," I groaned, lifting my head so that I could watch him unsheathe himself from my pussy lips, only to rock himself back in even further. Never, had I ever wished for a full length mirror or a video camera more than I did at this moment, as Emmett had his way with me, like some sort of pussy-pleasing monster. His cock-head seemed to be angled perfectly, scraping along every pleasure centre in my canal.

"Don't stop, asshole," I pleaded and he groaned, capturing my mouth in a soft kiss. There was absolutely no correlation between the way his gentle mouth caressed mine and the nearly violent passion he employed, burying his cock inside of me. Each pump filled me completely, and he quickened his pace until his hips became a blur of motion.

"Like a fucking hummingbird," I groaned. "You move at the speed of a humming bird."

"Bella," he moaned deeply into my mouth. I dug my fingers into the small of his back and he whimpered. "I wish you were mine."

"Shut up, Emmett. Make me come."

"So fucking warm and beautiful," he grunted and nuzzled into my neck, letting his lips slide a cool line into my throat. "Say my name?"

"Emmett." My voice was a breathy sigh. His icy tongue snaked around the flesh of my neck and I shuddered, erupting into goose flesh.

"Is this okay? Am I being gentle enough?"

His mouth was so tender and sweet but his cock was rougher than I was used to. I don't think I minded that at all.

"You're fucking me like a real man," I said because he was. Not like a vampire or a monster, but like a fucking master of pussy.

"Shit, Belly. You're gonna make me blow my wad."

"Do it," I pleaded, feeling the telltale signs of my own impending orgasm. I bore down onto the cool friction of his dick, still burning deep inside my core, despite the chill of naked skin. "Do it," I commanded, arching up towards him, straining to meet each of his ferocious thrusts with one of my own. He slowed his movements to match my rhythm.

I looked into his eyes while he looked at me with a sweetness I hadn't realized he was capable of. Fucking him was as easy as riding a gentle wave on a calm sea, even though our passion for each other seemed unending.

He was my sexual soulmate... and there wasn't a bloody thing I could do about it.

Tears escaped my eyes as I came. If my pussy could have sung an aria, it would have. The orgasm built with a gentle pressure deep inside my core and then exploded all throughout my pelvis. Emmett could feel it.

"I'm fucking in love with that pussy," he groaned and released his seed deep inside of me with a final, shaky thrust.

We were both shaking, trying to come down from the mind-blowing climax.

"Fuck, dude. I think I just imprinted on your cock."

"Can we do this again, Bella?"

"No, Emmett. This never happened. It's only an outtake."

Emmett scowled at me and said, "Shit."

"Indeed. Shit."

Yet, it was evident that the author of my universe was still composing twisted prose, so I took the opportunity to kiss Emmett's chest before that bitch decided to get all clever and close the scene with a few lame parting shots.

"Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"That was good, right?"

"Yeah, Emmett. It was really fucking good."

"Yeah, you liked it, didn't you?"

"I already told you I did."

"I bet you'll be dreaming about my cocket rocket the next time you're riding Edward's limp biscuit."

"Emmett?"

"Yeah?"

"Taco."

**Author's Note: Um, so yeah. That was just an outtake for my beta jkane180. I'm auctioning off two 3,000-word outtakes of BBS, buyers' choice, in the Fandom Gives Back. I'll be posting a link shortly on my profile. Reviews make my phone vibrate, which, as you know, makes me very HAPPY.**


	39. Out in the Cold

**Author's Note: I'd like to clarify that the previous chapter was just an outtake, pimping myself for the Fandom Gives Back. A great cause. Write for it. Bid on your favourite authors. Do both. I plan to! Okay, Big fucking reveal in this chapter. Again, Sonja was created by wordslinger and jkane180 betas me long time. I'd hump that bitches leg if she would let me. Actually, I'm pretty sure she would.**

"What the fuck are you talking about, asshole?" I yelled at Jacob. Seriously? Toronto?? "So is Flanagan the real Bella after all?" Only the pathologically narcissistic refer to themselves in the third person, so I guess I could add a new mental dysfunction to my dance card, and my card was pretty fucking full already.

Chewing on my fingers, I turned to Edward. Before I could even utter a syllable, his arms were around me.

"I don't understand?"

"I know, baby. I'll get Carlisle to help you recover more memories before you have to face Charlie. After Jacob and I left, I'm pretty sure he called your mother. His thoughts revealed that he plans to have you discharged and transferred into alternative care by the end of the week."

"Fuck," I said because, well, fuck! In fact, "Shit and fuck and stuff! What kind of horror show is waiting for me back home?"

Edward ignored my rant. "But it gives us three more days to work on finding your mind."

"All the time in the fucking world." My face was hot from crying like a bitch. I buried it into Edward's cool chest, wiping my nose across his shirt. He seemed fond of my fluids, so I figured a little snot would make his fucking day. "That's for you," I clarified, pointing to the wet spot.

"Thank you," he said smoothly, wiping the remnants of my tears with his fingers. "I love you, Bella. I'm going to take care of you."

Jacob let out a sarcastic snort from the hallway. I peeked through the door and watched him unwind that ridiculous paper towel (Bounty) from its spindle and wrap it around Sonja's leg. Emmett was examining an unopened package, wearing his perpetual furrow of confusion.

"May I help you?" I asked the peanut gallery. Sonja smiled wildly, waving her index finger, meanwhile, Jacob did nothing to conceal the loathing in his expression. I supposed it didn't matter. I was pretty sure his volatile thoughts were directed towards Edward, which meant his inner musings were already on display. "Sure, sure. He'll be there forever. I've heard that song before." Jacob stood, using his height advantage over Edward to try to be menacing.

"Stop it." This so wasn't the time for histrionics of this sort.

"Try singing a different tune, _Leech_. How does the chorus go again?" He paused for dramatic effect. "Yeah, I'm leaving you again."

_Oh my god!_ "You're such a douchebag," I muttered.

"At least I left her for her own protection... because I love her. You left her for the criminally insane." Edward motioned towards Sonja.

"Stop!" I had no time to deal with a pissing contest and these two beasts were practically foaming at the mouth for one. The two of them stared each other down, puffing up their chests like gorillas.

"There will be time for golden showers after I figure this shit out," I snapped, placing a hand on Jake's chest to hold him back. He covered my hand with his, his expression softening.

"Leave her alone, _Dog_."

"Nah. _I _don't leave Bella. That's what _you_ do." Jake squeezed my hand, provoking the monster within Edward.

"Jake, don't..."

"I'll kill you. I _should_ kill you for taking advantage of her." Edward's eyes blackened as he hissed at Jake, venom spilling out of the corners of his mouth.

Alright, it really was time to put a stop to this shit.

"Stop it!" I yelled and flashed my tits at the guys to get their attention. "Okay, raise your hand if you've fucked me."

The vampire and werewolf both looked at me with matching expressions of incredulity.

"Yeah, am I talking to myself?" _Quite possibly..._ I channelled my best _Samuel L. Jackson_ and repeated, "Raise your motherfucking hand if you've motherfucking fucked me!"

"We didn't..." Jake stammered.

"Bella, I made love to you," Edward said tenderly.

"Hands," I repeated. Both men reluctantly raised their hands.

"Well. There you go, then. Both of you took advantage of me. Everyone's equally at fault. Now can we calm the fuck down so that I can have a proper nervous breakdown over here?"

Edward bowed his face into my hair. "What can I do?"

I raised my eyebrow, and he smirked. "Are you wearing pretty panties for me?"

"No, Bella. Not at all."

_Are you going commando? _

"Yes."

_Swoon!_

"Edward," I commanded, trying to control the tremble in my voice due to the sudden and violent onslaught of lust. "Go find Carlisle. I wanna work through some more shit."

"Alright." He cast a suspicious glance at Jake, who now decided to lace his fingers through mine, while his mad as a monkey-fucker imprint unsheathed a new roll of paper towels and ensconced herself in them.

"It's fine, Edward. Get Carlisle." _Serenity now!_ I tried to keep calm, but I was pretty sure that Edward could read my mind.

He nodded and disappeared through the door.

"I could neuter you," I hissed, bringing my knee to Jacob's groin. The bastard caught my leg before I could do any damage.

"Bella," he said. "Calm down."

I tried to yank my hands back, but he held on tighter. "Let go," I muttered meekly. This was too much. There was something my mind was screaming at me, but there was too much background noise for me to hear or understand. "I don't want you to touch me."

"Shhh, honey. It'll be okay." He smiled the smile that used to be mine, and I wanted to be livid. I wanted to scream and say unspeakable things; to tell him how I really felt about his duplicity.

A pain throbbed in my chest. Despite everything, my love for Edward, and the inescapable knowledge that Jacob was never supposed to have been my happily ever after, I felt betrayed by the loss of at least the possibility of him. Betrayed that he broke every vow he ever made to me. Just like Edward had. "I hate you," I looked into his dark eyes as I said this. "I hate you because you're terribly out of character now. I hate you because I trusted you above anyone else. I hate you because you made me believe that you loved me, when all along, you knew you would leave me as soon as a better offer came along in the form of your imprint. I hate you, Jacob Black. In the end, you would have left me too. So fuck you. And don't fucking touch me ever again."

"No, honey. I love you." He tried to embrace me. Despite myself, a deep longing stirred, not between my legs but within my gut. I loved him. I was in love with him. I hated him so fucking much.

"I hate you so fucking much."

He nodded sadly. "I failed you, didn't I?"

"Totally."

"Bells... I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt--"

"Stop it, okay? It's fine. Really. We were never supposed to be together. It just grinds my gears when you act like you still have some sort of claim over me. Your love is forfeit."

Things had gotten a little too heavy for my liking, and I wasn't sure why I felt the need to unburden my feelings. I was such a fucking girl!

"I dunno; maybe my period is about to start," I said, mostly to myself.

"It's not," Emmett said suddenly, breaking the tension. Good thing. Actually, ew. The asshole's senses were so keen he could probably smell my egg drop. That irked me.

"Can someone explain the paper towels to me?" Emmett kind of gaped at Sonja.

"They make her happy." Jacob abandoned me to sidle up with his imprint and I watched the exchange with a morbid curiosity.

"I can't explain my totally inappropriate love for the paper towels," she sighed, petting a fresh roll.

Jacob gave her an encouraging smile which only faltered slightly when her tongue dipped into the roll.

"But, don't worry," she qualified, pulling a lighter from her pocket. "I won't let them take the place of my one and only _precious_. If I think for a second those seductive, whoring paper towels are trying to turn me against you, I'll burn them. I know they flirt with all the other customers in the store. In fact, I can picture it perfectly and it's a real eye opener, I'll tell you."

"I love you, Sonja."

Yep. I feel betrayed.

-({})-

"I'm not leaving," Edward said firmly.

Carlisle let out an exasperated sigh, however, acquiesced. "Are you ready, Bella?" He put his cool hand on my temple in that fatherly gesture he seemed to have perfected over the last three hundred or so years. I nodded, resting my head limply against Edward's chest.

_Hold on. Hold on to yourself. 'Cause this is gonna hurt like Hell._

A strange and haunting melody was seemingly transplanted into my head.

"Who are you right now?"

"I don't know," I whispered.

"I can hear your thoughts," Edward explained, humming the melody in my head.

So I imagined myself naked, just to be a shit.

"Close your eyes, Bella," Carlisle commanded in that strange monotone I could not disobey.

"Alright."

The flush of heat on my skin transformed into ice as violent tremors racked my body. I could not get warm.

"What's wrong?" Edward's voice sounded far away, like he was speaking to me from the other end of a tunnel. "She's convulsing."

"C-C-Cold," I chattered. "There's ice covering everything."

I felt a blanket wrap around me and I sloshed through the snow, towards a giant brick structure.

"Where the fuck have you been?" a woman demanded, her voice soft and harsh all at once. I squinted through the wind, trying to bring her into focus.

"Who are you?"

"Bella? What the fuck? Half the security staff is looking for you."

I saw blond hair peeking out from a black cap. "Who are you?" I repeated.

"Well shit and fuck and stuff, bitch. Did you have an aneurysm out here?" She pulled a red package of cigarettes out of her jacket and angled her head away from the wind, trying to ignite the flint. "You didn't answer me. What the fuck, Bella? What are you doing out in the cold."

"Chasing pink elephants."

**Author's Note: Soooo... What are your thoughts? Clear as mud? Making any sense or am I still tilting at windmills. C'mon bitches. Show me the love. Make my phone vibrate. **

**Okay, I'm about to disrobe and lay across Katinki's piano. We're taking requests.**


	40. What Would Moses Do?

**Author's Note: Sonja will make a guest appearance at the end. Often dialogue is quoted verbatim from wordslinger's random musings. Please note all credit for this character belongs to wordslinger. Thanks to my awesome beta, jkane180 and a special thank you to my new pimp FL95, author of Edward Cullen, Dick for Hire and Cullen, Unscripted. Speaking PIMPS, stay tuned for big news. Also, hopefully the big reveal in this chapter will be more clear. No promises. This might make more sense if you go back to chapter one for a refresher.**

"What do you see, Bella?" Carlisle's voice exploded through the cold air like the voice of God. I was Charlton Heston, all fucking Moses-like all of the sudden. To be honest, my life had taken on a closer resemblance to _Omega Man_ than _The Ten Commandments_. A sawed-off shotgun would be of more use to me than two stone tablets considering what I had been through as of late.

_From my cold dead hands._

"Um..." I stuttered, as the woman in front of me pulled her familiar bleached hair away from her face, trying to light her cigarette. Her hair snaked around her face and into the wind like a Medusa. "Do you hear him?"

"Bella? What the fuck?" She asked and took a languid drag. I watched the cherry burn through the paper; embers ignited and fell with the ash.

"Carlisle," I said meekly. "Do you hear him?"

"No, I don't fucking hear him. He's just a character in the book."

Right. Just a character in the book.

"Carlisle," I muttered under my breath. The smoking woman pursed her lips into a half-smile/half-sneer and grabbed me.

"We're really fucking close to the entrance and your mum would kill me if she found out I left you in the cold. I mean, I think you're acting like a whiney little bitch but I do feel bad for Renee." She dragged me roughly through the snow while I struggled weakly.

"Where are we?"

She ignored me. "I bet you don't even care about that shit, do you? What you're putting your parents through? You do realize that even if all your ramblings about Edward-the-limp-dick and Wolfy McImprint are true, you're still acting like an irresponsible slut."

"Shut the fuck up, cunt."

"Oooh, the little kitten used the 'C' word. Colour me fucking impressed, putty-twat."

We had reached a driveway. I tried to stop walking so that I could study my surroundings, however my captor trudged onward. My boots slid beneath me, forcing my leg out in an awkward angle. She let go, and I landed on my ass. I could barely make out the sign at the front of the large glass and brick building she had propelled me towards.

"Southlake." Raising myself to my knees, I tried to stand, accepting her offering of a gloved hand.

"Yeppers. Abandon all hope ye who enter here." She pursed her lips to hold the cigarette in place while she restrained me again.

"Where are we?" I demanded again, wriggling out of her grasp.

"Did your little excursion render you retarded? You just read the fucking sign; Southlake."

"I mean, what state are we in?" I clarified.

"Both of us? Well you're in a pretty frazzled state, if you ask me."

It was like déjà-vu all over again. I could have sworn, I'd said the exact same line before.

"Wait, did you just way we're at Southlake?" We had reached the Critical Care entrance and a pair of White Coats were waiting at the door.

"Bellas," one of them acknowledged, brandishing a hypodermic. I stumbled at the implications of their greeting and nearly fell on my ass again.

"Who are you?" I snapped and took inventory of the strange yet familiar smoking woman; her long hair, her large eyes, her crooked jaw and full lips. Her face was as familiar as my own reflection.

"Are you fucking shitting me?" She pulled her mouth into a crooked grin.

"Dude, I've got no fucking clue," I snapped back.

"Bella, have you been taking your medication?" a White Coat demanded.

"If she has, then I'll have what she's having!"

"Who the fuck are you?" I repeated, ready to bitch slap that bleach-job.

"Who am I? Who am _I_?" she laughed meanly. "I'm Isabella _fucking_ Flanagan, bitch. Who the fuck are you?"

"I don't know." I really didn't.

-({})-

Blinking several times, my eye-floaters multiplied and warped until everything around me was different.

"Where am I?" I wasn't sure to whom I had posed the question as my eyes were squeezed shut.

"Bella? Are you alright, love?"

"No. No, I'm not alright, _love_."

"Carlisle," Edward said tentatively. "Please leave us alone for a while."

"I won't be far, son. She may need medical attention when--"

"MOTHERFUCKER!!! ARRGGHHHHHHHH!!!"

"She's screaming." Edward sounded surprised.

Language escaped me. My emotions were primal and raw. Screaming was the best way to articulate my terror and confusion. A part of my mind watched the vampires curiously while I wailed and keened and howled and just fucking screeched my head off.

"Bella, do you know where you are, love?"

I swallowed some air and hiccupped. "Fucking screaming here!" In case he didn't notice.

"Calm down, Bella. I'll go away, shall I?"

My scream caught in my throat. "Why? Where are you going?"

"This was another terrible mistake, love. Obviously you weren't ready to see me."

Before I could draw in another breath to speak he had run from the room.

"Do you know where you are, Bella?"

"Carlisle, what the fuck? Yeah, I know where I am. I have no fucking clue about where I just went, but I'm in Washington right now. You just hypnotized me and, dude, I've recovered some strange fucking memories."

"What's the last thing you remember?"

-({})-

"Tell me more about Jake?"

I scowled at Isabella Flanagan and tried to grab his picture back from out of her hand. She raised her arm over her head and winced. "Ow. Fuck, my stitches."

"Why are you so interested in Jake?"

"I'd like to fuck him," she said simply. "And don't pretend that you're not hot for his sweet ass."

"He's my friend. I try not to think about him that way." I shrugged and felt my face flush, remembering Jacob's well-defined, muscled torso and beautiful tanned skin.

"Well, then you're frigid because he's fuckhot." She handed my picture back to me and made notes in her book. "How long has he been a werewolf?"

"I don't know. I didn't ask."

"What about Edmund?"

"Edward," I corrected. "What about Edward?"

"Why no pictures? Is it because he's a vampire?"

"No," I snapped. "He took my pictures before leaving and-- Are you writing all of this down?"

"Yeppers."

"Why?"

"It's a good story. I think it's highly marketable, and I'd rather think about your delusions than my own at the moment."

I almost felt badly for her. I mean, I had a pretty good idea about what had happened to her from what she had mentioned in group, but it was so hard to like her when she was always so abrasive.

"Stop asking me questions. What about you, Flanagan? What's the last thing you remember?"

She dropped her notebook. Instantly her eyes were terrorized. "The woods," she whispered. "I can hear howling."

-({})-

The blond doctor checked my vitals and asked, "Do you remember your name?"

I opened my mouth to speak but felt like my tongue was coated in cotton.

"Isabella Flanagan."

The doctor frowned and continued, "Why are you here, Bella?"

"The last doctor said I have Dissociative Disorder, although I've recently been upgraded to Dissociative Identity Disorder."

"Do you believe that's true?"

"Look, I know I'm sick, but I can't be expected to properly articulate myself on this drug."

The doctor sighed. "I'm going to ask you some straightforward questions," he explained, shining a penlight into my pupil. "How old are you?"

"Thirty-three."

"Where are we?"

"Southlake Hospital, Critical Care."

"What State are we in?"

"Both of us? I'm in a pretty frazzled state but you seem to be keeping it together."

"Bella, that's not what I meant...what city are we in?"

"Toronto."

"Country?"

"Canada."

-({})-

"Do you believe in time travel?" I asked Edward when my eyes finally opened. "I've travelled all over the place tonight. Did my body leave too, or just my mind?"

"Bella," Carlisle said carefully. "You were here. We were both speaking with you the entire time."

"I'm not real," I insisted.

"You are," the vampires told me, in unison.

"I remember Isabella Flanagan. If she's real, then who am I?"

"Isabella Marie Swan." Edward wrapped his arms around me and lowered his face against my shoulder. "The only woman I've ever loved. I know you, Bella."

"Why does it matter when I forget myself all of the time? I could just disappear and--"

"No," Edward snapped, kissing my fingers. "I'll always be here to remind you of who you are."

"I'm... confused. Who's Flanagan? Why do I remember her?"

Carlisle and Edward exchanged exasperated looks but said nothing.

"Who is she?!" I demanded.

"A patient, Bella. Your roommate at Southlake."

-({})-

Sonja brushed my hair because I needed to keep my mind off of the fact my universe just splintered apart. My mind had become a black hole and the only thing keeping me from disappearing beyond the event horizon at the moment was crazy-assed Cum Bucket.

"Where's your paper towels?"

"I'm over them. I'm onto Band-Aids now. I download Band-Aid porn and finger fuck myself to images of gauze and adhesive."

"I'm Moses," I told her, having no other response to her statement.

"Like, from the bible?"

"Nah, more like Charlton Heston."

"I'm from Texas. I think Moses should have been played by Chuck Norris. He'd part the Red Sea and fuck it. Fuck that bitch hard."

I almost smiled.

**Author's Note: Questions? Come play with me on Twitter or on the BBS Thread over on Twilighted. If you check out my profile, you'll see a link to a new and exciting blog that I'm tickled purple to be a part of. I'm a Twific Pimp and a group of us girls will be recording podcasts. Check it out!!! Also, don't forget that the Monster-in-law contest which I'm hosting with Katinki opened for entries today. Every time you review me, Big Black buzzes in my "special" place. I have inappropriate love for all of you.**


	41. Home

**A/N: Big inappropriate love to all of you. Thank you for nominating me for a Giggle Snort award for best Bella. Um, this chapter actually isn't very funny though. Stuff at the end about stuff.**

Strange, I never once took the time to read the name of the hospital on the side of the building. The sign read: Washington West General. Was that right?

So... if I was Swan after all, then how the fuck did I have transplanted memories from Flanagan? It didn't make any sense. Was I capable of astral projection? The only person I could vocalize this question to was the Blue Coat to my left (hybrid of White Coat and a Security Guard because he has both a tazer and a syringe), and he already thought I was crazy so my efforts would be fruitless.

But then again...

"Do you believe in astral projection?" I asked dully.

"That new age shit?" That fuck! He barely raised his head to look at me.

Scowling, I wondered if he'd piss himself if I proved him wrong by disappearing. Hm, actually I probably wouldn't disappear; my body would become catatonic when my soul took flight.

I clicked the heels of my red Sketchers together three times before I even realized I had no home to wish for.

"Well, Toto," I said to my package of Camels. "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."

The secrets of the universe could not be found at the bottom of a cigarette package, but for now, it was all I had to cling to; tangents and nicotine.

_You're not Flanagan. Stop thinking like her._

Yeah, don't fucking remind me, Voice-in-my-Head! Why didn't I feel like myself, then?

"Where am I?" I stepped casually away from my reluctant companion to sit on the curb by the side entrance of the hospital.

"Hospital." He stood in such a way as to convey how brusque and immovable he was, all folded arms and bowed legs. Well, that posture was just unfortunate.

"City, please?"

"Tacoma."

I thought of the race track and making love to Jacob in the motel. That, of course, was all me. I couldn't blame anyone else for my duplicity.

"Tacoma," I repeated and looked up at the Critical Care windows to see if Edward was looking down at me. The sun's rays on the glass curtain wall made the windows nearly opaque.

It was kind of warm outside, the sun finding its way through the inevitable Washington stratus cloud cover. Despite the unexpected heat, I shivered, contemplating the package of Camels in my pocket. Smoking would give me a purpose for sitting outside. The crazies who did nothing but sit with glazed expressions were too far gone; I didn't want to be one of them. _I should probably just smoke._

The box poked into my hip. Did I smoke or not? Really, I shouldn't even think about smoking, but if I was going to be an immortal, did it matter? Did anything matter?

Questions. More questions and the only answers I found brought on more questions still.

Was I really only about ten feet away from the hospital entrance? I felt like I was bound to Edward by an elastic tether; the further I ventured away from him, the stronger the tension became. If I took another step, I would snap, not break free but float aimlessly into the unknown like a comet pulled from orbit. I needed to be grounded. Edward was my gravity.

So, why was I avoiding him? Actually, was I avoiding him or was he avoiding me? Would he leave me again; cut off all ties and hope for me to find a better life in Canada?

Now I thought of myself as a balloon lost to the wind.

These were terrible metaphors! Shit, I really wished I'd finished high school. I wasn't very clever at all. All I ever read was Bronte, and the ending of Wuthering Heights never changes, not even upon the thirtieth read-through.

My inner dialogue was making me vomit a little. Like, in my mouth. I missed Flanagan. I missed the ambiguity, the push and pull of being two different people at once. Being me sucked.

_Do you know about pink elephants? It's a phenomenon among crazy fuckers like us._

My hands shook as I tried to swallow that particular memory and coax a cigarette out of the package. Carlisle had encouraged me to embrace my memories, rather than attempt to quell them, but repression had become as unconscious to me as breathing. I could see it, though, if I allowed myself to; the cracked ceiling tiles of the group therapy room at Southlake. The dialogue I had spouted here in Group was never my own. It was all _her_. I wasn't who I thought I was.

_There's no place like home..._

-({})-

"Buck up, buttercup. You're supposed to be delusional, not depressed."

"Why can't I be both?" I felt my lower lip extend in a pout. Flanagan was not impressed. "And _I am _depressed... Otherwise they wouldn't be treating me with ECT."

"Meh, they're just resetting the charge in your brain since your synapses won't play nice."

I was wearing blue scrubs and they did nothing to warm the chill that lingered deep within my bones. Flanagan handed me her sweater--the one she was wearing--and smiled wildly at the male nurse who had accompanied us to the _Day Surgery_ waiting room. She wasn't even wearing a bra!

"Like what you see, asshole?"

Idly, I wondered what it would be like not to care about anything. How could she be so free-spirited, considering what had happened to her?

Here in the Great White North, fairy tales and monsters didn't exist, to the best of my knowledge, and the drugs that lubricated my brain cells wanted to keep it that way.

"I was going to live forever," I snapped. "How many among us can say that?"

Flanagan flicked her tongue around her nipple to make sure she had the nurse's attention. She did; it was completely undivided. "Among _us_? Dude, maybe half would say that. There's a lot of schizos who suffer from delusions of grandeur up in this house."

She stood up and approached the nurse. "I'd like to fuck you."

"Isabella," he stammered. "Not here, okay?"

"Fine," she said, lifting herself into his lap to straddle him. "But you belong to me, bitch. That sweet ass is mine. If you want me to blow you, you'll have to bring me 60 mg of Ativan _this _time. Not the off label shit either."

My face likely turned ten shades of red. "Aren't you married?" I asked in a quiet voice.

She looked at me, her face hollowing infinitesimally. "Yeah, I'm married. I have two kids. Life is fucking perfect. Can't you tell how fucking happy I am?"

Our eyes locked, and for a moment, I could not speak. A silent exchange occurred that I couldn't explain. Naked and vulnerable, our defences were stripped away and our misery on display, fully and completely to each other.

"Bella Swan?" the day surgery nurse paged, and Flanagan jumped off of my chaperone.

"Coming," he said, his voice cracking.

Maybe I'd never wake up from the anaesthetic. Maybe the electricity would damage my brain into oblivion.

-({})-

Sonja found me in the common room, staring out the window. I had lost more time.

"Where's Edward?"

"Who's Edward?" Sonja asked dully, and I nearly shit myself.

"He's... I mean, he's my... He's real. Isn't he?"

"Fuck, I'm totally messing with you," she laughed. "Yeah, he's real. I saw him get into that shiny silver vulva of his. He's fixated on that car. It might as well have cunt lips."

"Says the girl who wants to fuck the paper towels."

"Touché. Too-fucking-shay."

"Where's Jake?"

"Jacking off. I can't fuck him on account of my therapy."

-({})-

Flanagan ushered me into Group room B269 for our therapy session. "Who the fuck invented group therapy? Seriously, who was the fucking genius who said, 'Let's take ten crazy people and put them in a small room together to hash things out?'"

"Dunno," I muttered as she deposited me in a chair amidst a group of particularly shady characters.

I'd been roused from recovery only minutes after waking. I hated losing time. Every moment I lost terrified me because time was my only mile-marker. Edward wanted me to forget him, but I wouldn't. Not ever. They could numb me with drugs and electricity, but I'd rather be dead than believe that my love for Edward wasn't real.

"Buzz Buzz!" an emaciated brunette smirked at me. I couldn't quite bring her into focus. Words and colours swam around me. Voices reverberated off of the acoustical wall tiles creating a symphony of echoes. I felt like I was only seeing the shadow cast by the real world. The cacophony of voices became apparitions.

I lowered my head into my hands and tried to shake off the dull tinnitus that resonated, just enough to be infinitely annoying.

"I shouldn't be here."

_You're a fucking liar!_

Louder. The voices became louder. Screams. Echoes. Shadows.

"Bella?" Dr Shapiro's voice sharpened into focus. "Are you alright?"

I nodded, cringing.

-({})-

I was in no rush to return to my empty room. The beautiful pale face and shock of coppery hair jolted me. Heat and emotion rushed back into my cold body.

"You're waiting for me?"

"Of course, Love."

"I thought that maybe you'd left again."

"Never." Edward drew back the covers and I ran to his side, snuggling into his chest. Somehow he was warm.

"I love you." I was so tired. My eyes wouldn't stay open.

His lips on my skin were the last sensation I felt before drifting.

"I love you, Bella. Forever."

For once, I tried to believe him. He felt like home.

**Author's Note:**

**My volunteer patients via the twitter: Due to an unfortunate incident, your chapter was cut. I'm so sorry. I am fail. Your scene didn't work. Are we still friends? I'd like to thank my volunteers. I've kept your emails for fodder so I can refer back to you later ;)**

**Wanna here me talk about fic with some amazing bitches? Fic Pushin' is live. There's a link on my profile. Please listen to us and let us know what you think! This is a venture between TwiCharmed, AltheaJams, Jkane180 and myself. I hosted the first epi because I talk way too much.**

**Monster-in-law contest is open for submissions. Submit to Katinki and me! Link on my profile.**

**I'm so fail at my review responses but I'm trying to stay on top of things. Please know that I read every one and love all feedback! Please won't you make my phone buzz?**


	42. Book of Revelation

**Author's Note: If you are Christian, please note that I do not mean to offend in any way, however some people may find a line in the very first paragraph unsettling. So, yeah, if you we shadows have offended (quoting Shakespeare because sometimes I can't fucking help myself) I'm really sorry. Big Love to jkane180 for being the bestest beta ever. All Twilight refs belong to Stephenie Meyer (quotes from New Moon) and all Biblical refs belong to the old and new testiments. Blow job material provided dutifully by Mr. BellaFlan (wave to the nice folks 'Greggy') – He's totally scowling at me right now.**

How could I sleep? Now that I knew the divine heaven of Edward buried inside of me, mental exhaustion would do nothing to quell my libido. The Second Coming of Christ's cock was sharing my bed.

_Oh my god, I'm going to hell._

Where were these blasphemous thoughts coming from anyway? Surely the ceiling would open up and lightning would fricassee my ass if I allowed myself to think such things.

Furtively, I lowered my head, faking a sleep-sigh, so that I could get a better look at the prize I craved most. Everything was alright in my world when Edward was making love to me.

_Thy rod and thy staff comfort me. _

_Stop it!_ Oh god, I hoped Edward couldn't read my mind right now because I'm certain my irreverent and sacrilegious mind ejaculatory would offend his frail, Victorian sensibilities.

But then again, he seemed more than happy to oblige any sick fantasy that Flanagan forced me to indulge in; except, really she didn't. If I was ever going to get well, I would have to take ownership over my actions.

Flanagan was a virus. She had infected me, and my personality would never recover. It wasn't like I had suffered through a car crash or something, and rehabilitation could help me overcome my injuries. My trauma was purely psychic. No amount of medication or therapy would ever mend my mind.

Would I ever become myself again?

An epiphany bitch-slapped me into submission at the thought of reverting to _Meek Bella Swan the Martyr_: I liked the person I was becoming!

Revelations were not commonplace and such a re-birth warranted the best kind of celebration I could think of.

My half-closed eyes widened. Edward adjusted himself slightly, his shirt rising and exposing the flesh above his underwear. Even in the darkness, I could discern the elastic band of his underwear that peaked out over the dark denim.

"Where's your mind at right now?"

I thought that I was being sneaky, pretending to be asleep. "I was trying to memorize your face," I explained lamely, staring at the bulge of his fly. "In case you disappear, I want to remember every line and shadow."

"My face is a little higher, baby."

"Yeah, well, I was working my way up."

"If you wanted to memorize my face you only needed to ask," Edward whispered into my ear, grazing my lobe with his cool tongue. "Shall I take my face out of my pants for you so that you can get a closer look?"

I sat up in bed and cupped his jaw in my hand. "You're so fucking beautiful it hurts to look at you."

"Without a doubt, Bella, you're the most beautiful and dangerous creature in the world."

"Um, thanks?"

His eyes bore into mine, and I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking. After all, he had lived for nearly a century longer than me. What kind of experiences had enriched his immortal life already, and how could I ever hope to compare?

"You don't believe me?"

"Not really. How can I possibly compete with all of the stuff you've done? I mean, like what you must have seen and—"

"Bella," Edward interrupted me. "In all of my one hundred and eight years on the planet, I've never loved or wanted anything more than you."

"So... In all of your life, I mean, of all of the things you've seen and done, I appeal to you the most?"

"Mmm-hmm." He nuzzled into my ear and lowered his hand to cup my crotch. "Nothing compares to this," he said, using his male wiles and the velvet timbre of his voice to make me cream my panties.

"Edward," I moaned.

"I want you, Bella. I want to feel your mouth around my cock."

"What about my pussy? I thought it was comparable to one of the wonders of the world," I teased, "like the Grand Canyon or something."

"Wonder of the world?" he smirked his cocky, sideways smirk. "You want me to lick your Taj Mahal?"

"Yeah, but first I wanna memorize your face," I said, lowering my face to his dick.

-({})-

"Tell me more about Jacob," Flanagan demanded, pursing her cigarette between her lips so that she could type on her laptop. "How big is his_ unit_?"

"Fuck off! I've never seen his unit... And what are you writing, exactly?"

"Your story, fuckwit. You've already lost most of your short-term memory and your sense of smell. A few more ECT treatments and rounds of SSRIs, and the hallucinatory wonderland your psychosis has created will be lost to the Pfizer fairies forever."

I huffed indignantly but decided I had nothing better to do than indulge her. It's not like anything she wrote would ever be read, and I was practically despondent to hang-on to my memories. Honestly, if one more doctor accused me of being deluded, I swear, I would breakout into a full-blown temper tantrum, complete with petulant foot stamping.

"I never saw his cock," I repeated though my teeth, even though the statement wasn't completely true, "but I know it would be huge."

Flanagan leaned forward and asked, "Oh yeah? How do you know?"

"There was this one time... I got hurt and he hugged me... I mean, my head was banged-up pretty badly, and he was shirtless, and I told him he was sort of beautiful..." I rambled.

"Dude, I saw his picture, and that's a gross understatement! I think you've told me this story before. This is the motorcycle incident, right?"

"Yeah, but I didn't tell you everything."

"Well, what happened?"

I swallowed nervously at the memory. "Well, like I said, he hugged me really close, and I suppose he became rather aroused when I hugged him back..."

"Oh, yeah?" She leaned in closer to me. "How aroused?"

"Um, the kind of aroused that men get when they, you know, get hard." The last word was a whisper.

"Oh, yeah?" she repeated, her eyes becoming all pupil.

"So, yeah... He was holding me against his chest, and he wasn't like, wearing a shirt or anything. He wears these, um, low slung jeans, and his erection poked out the top."

"Sweet!" she exclaimed, typing furiously. "Describe it for me."

"It was big and kind of purple. Also, it kind of twitched against me a little bit."

"Did he rub it up on you or try to dry hump you?" she stopped typing, waiting in earnest for my reply.

"Well, no."

"What did he do?"

"I pulled away, pretending I didn't see anything, and he kind of adjusted himself. The next time I saw his pants, er, everything was where it should be."

"Very interesting," she chided, taking on an Austrian accent. "How did zee penis make you feel?"

"Troubled," I admitted.

"Because you wanted to fuck him?"

"No... Maybe. I wanted something, but I wasn't sure what."

She passed me a cigarette, and I took a shallow drag, trying not to cough. I had tried smoking only once before, with Embry back in my destructive days at La Push, but the rez cigarettes were vile. The Du Mauriers that Flanagan smoked tasted much better.

"I can't believe you didn't fuck him. I'd be hitting that ass ten ways past Tuesday. Jacob Black wouldn't know what hit him. Speaking of which, I gotta go see a man about a blow job."

She passed me her laptop and stepped away from the curb to a car I didn't recognize. A hand shot out of the window, passing her a small bottle. She examined it and quickly ran around to the passenger side.

Flipping open the laptop, I decided it would be better for the power supply if I shut it off for her. I scrolled the mouse over the desktop and an open file caught my attention.

_Bella Swan: Book of Revelation_

_He looked athletic and professional as he leaned over the handlebars, head low, face forward, his shiny hair whipping against the russet skin of his back. My eyes narrowed enviously. I was sure I hadn't looked like that on my motorcycle._

"_Bella, I think you need stitches. I'm not going to let you bleed to death."_

"_Did you know, you're sort of beautiful?"_

Maybe I should have fucked him. Flanagan would have done it, and she seemed to be handling her shit much better than I was.

Shivering at the memory, I shut down the computer and finished my smoke.

-({})-

"Bella," Edward groaned as his cool tip gained entrance into my mouth. "You don't have to do this, you know?"

Ignoring him, I fisted the base of his cock and drew him further into my mouth, feeling my own passion begin to throb between my legs in rhythm with each pass. He grabbed a handful of my hair, holding me still for a moment.

"Not good?" I asked, but since his dick was in my mouth, it sounded more like, "Naa gaaa?"

"Too good." He flipped me around so that my ass was seated on his face. "Bella, you do realize that as a vampire, I'm able to do many things at once very well. In fact, I'm certain that I can give you an orgasm with just the flick of my tongue." To emphasize his point, he tore my shorts open along the seams. "No panties?" His voice nearly cracked.

"No," I whispered against the head of his cock, barely licking the slit.

"Naughty girl!"

"Yeah."

"You're so swollen," he groaned.

"Sorry," I kind of squeaked, feeling ridiculous... And unbelievably horny. _I probably shouldn't speak._ My mouth went to work on pleasuring him again, sucking, licking and even biting along his shaft, taking cues from his grunts and groans as to what made him feel good. When I stroked his balls and added more teeth, he growled out a terrible sound, a guttural roar that sounded like I imagined he would sound while taking down his prey.

Oh, fuck, the sound went straight to my pussy.

With a renewed vigour, I bit and sucked and stroked, following only my instincts and the tenor of his cries as guidance.

All at once, his tongue was inside of me, bypassing my lips and vibrating at a supernatural pace deep within my sex.

The room echoed with choked cries, and it took me a moment to register that they were coming from me. Without breaking suction, I arched and stretched and grinded, trying to find the right pace, but I kept getting distracted from the job at hand.

Shit, I couldn't properly pleasure him while he gave me head.

"Stop!" I yelled, wrenching my neck to look at him. "Stop it, right now. We have all night for this so there's no reason at all to multi-task. Let me do this, Edward."

He kind of gawked at me for a moment and then nodded his head in a sullen relent.

I crawled off of his face and down his body, positioning my head between his thighs.

"Stop thinking so much, Edward. Stop worrying about me. Just let me love you, okay? Let me make you feel good."

A little choked grunt tore through his throat and he nodded again. I smiled and swirled my tongue around his tip.

"I love you, Bella."

"I love you, too. Tell me what you want, Edward." With a light stroke I pumped his length in my fist, ghosting my tongue over the head.

"Aahhh, I want you to suck me."

"Tell me more," I goaded.

"I want to come."

I pulled his leg between my thighs and pressed his knee against my slit. "I want to feel you explode in my throat," I said, because he needed to know how much I wanted this.

He groaned and I descended upon him at a relentless pace, not thinking about anything other than the sounds of his pleasure. He moaned loudly, and I used every muscle, every curve of my body to offer him friction; my mouth on his cockhead, my hands on his shaft and balls, my pussy riding his leg. The room was filled with nothing but the sounds of our ardour.

His voice became impossibly louder and more ferocious, his groans reaching a creciendo with my own. I felt his balls tighten under my finger tips, and the ever-increasing pressure stretching his column taut in my mouth and inside my fist.

For the first time, ever, I felt a pulse in his dick. His ejaculation coursed through his shaft in rhythmic pulses, his seed shooting into my throat, in warm, rather than hot bursts.

He was beautiful as he lay there, quivering from the orgasm I had delivered with my mouth.

"Bella," he moaned, almost helplessly. I crawled up his body so that I could snuggle against his chest.

"You've never looked so human before."

"You've never looked like more of an angel."

We both broke out into fits of giggles at his sad line. Even Edward _Fucking_ Cullen can't get away with that kind of bullshit.

**Author's Note: I've had trouble responding to every review recently, but I want to make sure that you know I absolutely read and get off on every one! Between work and real life, here's what I've been doing in the ****Fandom: hosting Monster-in-law contest with Katinki (my sister from another mister) and I'm participating in a podcast blog with jkane180, Twicharmed & AltheaJams called Fic Pushin'. There are links to these on my profile if you're interested. Becoming Bella Swan, is nominated for a Gigglesnort award for Best Bella! Voting is now open and there's also a link on my profile. Please press my button with a review? I've put my phone in my pocket in anticipation for some inappropriate love.**


	43. Event Horizon

**Author's Note: Thanks to Jkane180 for making sure my commas are where they should be. Wordslinger also pre-read for me; in case you haven't figured it out, wordslinger is my Sonja. She created her and a non-bounty loving version of her can be found in her fic Distortion (which I beta!)**

"Therapy... Therapist... The rapist..." Oh, look at what I just did!

"Yes, Bella, very clever."

"Not really. Angelina Jolie said it in 'Girl, Interrupted.'"

Carlisle scribbled a note on his pad and asked, "What's that?"

Muttering under my breath, I took on a salad-tossing-seventeenth-century-pansy-assed-vampire-with-a-soul lilt and mocked him. "What's that?" emerged from my lips as a whisper; a sad little parody of a man who did nothing to deserve my ire.

Really, I wished we could do this shit in my room and just drop the fucking pretence. This thing, this therapeutic torture he was inflicting upon me, was a complete freakshow. He could ask his questions until the farmer-fucking cows came home, but no amount of self-discovery would fix me. Edward always suspected my mind worked on a different frequency than that of a normal person. Like usual, smarty-pants was correct. Yeah, the memories were surfacing fast and furiously now, but having no reliable compass with which to guide me to sanity, I didn't know if my mind was following a logical course, or if I was a ship, lost in an ocean of crazy.

"Well, it was supposed to be a movie starring Winona Ryder, you know, before she got all klepto or whatever; but it turned out that the star was really Angelina. Her character was like a well-adjusted Sonja, without the paper towel fetish or werewolf imprint."

"You realize the word I asked you to associate was 'couch' and you jumped to 'rape' as the conclusive pairing?"

My logic was terribly weak. "Well, yeah... But this is a stupid exercise."

"Bella, until you make a real effort to act like yourself, things aren't going to get any better for you."

So I started to chew on my lip because it seemed like the canon thing to do, and as it turned out, I was indeed canon Bella Swan.

"It's not like, this big thing—" I paused to make air quotations, "—or anything. I'm not obsessed with rape, if that's what you're thinking. I mean, I've never been raped. It didn't happen to me at all."

"Who did it happen to?"

"Flanagan. I remember..."

"You remember it happening?"

"Well, yeah, but, I remember her talking about it too. Somehow, the actual event feels like a memory, like it happened to both of us."

"Displaced trauma; perhaps Flanagan's tragedy was easier to come to terms with than your own."

"You think I'd rather have been brutally raped than attacked by Jasper?

"Charlie's coming today." Carlisle's voice was calm as he threw me that curve ball of a tangent.

"I'm not leaving; Charlie can't make me leave, and you didn't answer my question."

Carlisle looked positively weary. He stood, adjusting his coat, and making a big show of acting human and nonchalant. "I've never lied to you, Bella," he qualified, for no reason I could think of, and sat down beside me on the couch. "I believe Flanagan's tragedy was easier for you to deal with than your own, yes."

I snorted. "Jizz-bin doesn't scare me. The worst he could do is kill me, and I'm not afraid to die."

"Is your life worth so little?"

"My life is absolutely worthless," I laughed because the answer was just so obvious. "I'm nothing. I don't even exist, according to Alice."

"When did Alice say that?"

"In the woods. Everything always happens in the woods."

"What did she say?"

-({})-

_"Bella?" I forced my lids apart and was back with Alice. "Where did you go? You were gone."_

_"I- I was somewhere else."_

_"That concerns me. If you disappear then...perhaps we're all wrong."_

_I nodded. "I know." I touched her face. "You don't exist, Alice. I'm so sorry."_

_She scowled at me. "Don't be an idiot! Of course I do. It's you, Bella. You don't exist."_

-({})-

"It's very queer, that Alice would say such a thing." Carlisle mused.

"Yeah, but Edward said she lied. I mean, obviously I exist, right?"

"What do you think?"

"Yes?"

Carlisle sighed. "Are you asking me or telling me?"

"Telling you?" For some reason, I thought of the scene from 'Back to the Future' when Michael J. Fox watched himself disappear since he changed the course of space and time. Well, where the fuck was my plutonium powered DeLorean because that shit was cool?

"Do you think I'll disappear? Do you think I went back in time and fucked things up?" Now I really sounded like a fucking crazy person.

"No. You exist. I think that Alice was speaking metaphorically."

"Her metaphor is a bleeding axe wound of stupidity," I said, if only to prove that the use of metaphorical language in casual conversation should be a privilege, not a right.

"I think she was trying to make a point, Bella. Your personality was so obscured that—"

"No! She said it during a flashback. My mind had left us completely."

"Where did it go? Where did you go to make Alice say such a thing?"

-({})-

_I choked as a tube was shoved down my throat, churning up the contents of my stomach. The pain was vile and I had vertigo. No longer on my feet, the moon transformed into an overhead light and I was on my back, tied to a stretcher. My eyes rolled back into my head._

_"Stay awake, Bella!"_

_I couldn't. My eyes would not open._

_"How much did she have?" a male voice inquired blandly._

_"60 mg, at least. It shouldn't be lethal. What concerns me is how did she access an entire bottle?"_

_The tube was retracted in the same moment I was pushed forward towards a bed pan. My lips parted and vomit spewed from me. I didn't even feel it._

_"Who gave it to you, honey?"_

_"I fucked a __White Coat__ for it."_

-({})-

Group therapy was merciless. It was hard enough for me to come up with sufficiently plausible lies to explain the trauma I suffered in the woods. Flanagan and I had come up with the story that Jasper raped me, and Ed—he...found out and left me. Shit, I had allowed myself to think his name, to remember his face and his hair; all that was mine, which I would never touch again.

If I had the will to laugh though, I would. Flanagan played it all like a game. In fact, to the casual observer, therapy at Southlake would appear like game of baseball hosted by the Mad Hatter. Shapiro would pitch the questions, and Flanagan would offer answers so very far off-base that they were positively foul.

That was, until the day that Flanagan remembered what happened to her. Shapiro dismissed group after her first revelation, suggesting that I stay with her for a bit.

Flanagan was muttering to herself about werewolves and vampires. She lifted her sweater and studied her butchered stomach.

"Can I get you some water?"

She cocked her head in the direction of my voice but didn't reply.

The chairs in the room were still arranged in a circle. All were empty now but one. Was the irony lost on her, I wondered, that she was seated alone in a healing circle?

"Stop staring at me!" Her voice produced a sharp reverberation which jarred me out of my reverie.

"Oh, was I?" Carefully, I sat down beside her, and my chair squeaked, filling the room with a deafening echo. Everything was quiet now, and it seemed strange, like the secrets revealed should still be reverberating off the walls. In fact, I dragged my chair across the linoleum again to produce that terrible squeal.

"It didn't happen to me."

Was I supposed to agree with her or help feed her fantasy? Her blue eyes were desperate and tear-filled. What was the correct response?

"I know, Isabella. I've felt that way before too…"

"Shit like that doesn't happen to me," she insisted. I wanted to cry for her; for both of us.

"Do you remember now?"

"Don't mess with me, Swan. Don't mindfuck the mindfucker. You don't have any hope of winning."

"It's not a game," I told her because it really wasn't.

-({})-

Carlisle was waiting for an explanation from me. I shook my head, as if I could dislodge these memories that were stuck in my brain, torturing me on replay.

"Without Edward, without eternity, my life is pretty much null and void. Sure, I could trudge through and suffer another sixty years of misery. What does it matter? If Edward doesn't want me forever, then I'm already dead.

"You asked me if Flanagan's rape was preferable to Jasper killing me? No. Jasper could have killed me that day, and my suffering would have been over. What terrorized me beyond reason, the moment I registered what that fucker wanted, was the fear of him failing. Don't you see, Carlisle? Jasper only had the power to end my life. I knew that Edward would pull some stupid-assed shit in the name of my salvation. He had intimated at it after my confrontation with James; that he would only be with me so long as it was the best thing for me. He was scared for my crummy, little life! The obvious thing to do would be to make me less fucking vulnerable, to turn me into marble..."

"Bella—"

"Don't even interrupt me, fuckwit. Yeah, I know, he was looking out for my soul. Well, I don't believe in God, so if I have a soul, it belongs to Edward. He can fucking have it, because if there's a God, I hate him. I hate him for creating me and putting me in a world where Edward and I can't be together. I hate him for making me in his likeness by giving me a soul that Edward is hell-bent on protecting.

"So I did what I could; I bargained with my blood for my life. I asked Jasper to take only a little and let me change, but dude had no control over his appetite. It was gluttonous and disgusting, really. I mean, for all of his supposed talents and charms, he seems like a limp-dicked-asshat to me. He's supposed to be charismatic, but his Freddy Krueger-like complexion, Jason-like demeanour and Leatherface-like want of blood, are certainly not representative of a southern gentleman and military mastermind. Sure, he's almost killed me twice now but not because of any kind of brilliant strategic thinking. I'm just easy fucking prey. I'm like the stupid cunt in the horror movie who investigates the mysterious sounds coming from the basement. If it wasn't for this fucking horseshoe up my ass, I'd be dead ten times past Tuesday.

"And Alice, for that matter, I mean, what the fuck? How could she not have seen this shit coming? What good is having a psychic among us if she's a crazier fucker than me? For all of my failures, how is it that I'm the only one who has cut through the bullshit and recognized the gruesome twosome for what they are: useless, ignorant and insane whores.

"Bella, relax." Carlisle tried to make his voice monotonous and soothing. "These thoughts are not natural for you. You're taking on her persona still. It's important to remember Flanagan so that you can find yourself again."

I listened, but didn't really hear him. "Jasper's trying to turn me into lunch meant that Edward will leave. Edward would leave. Edward is going to leave me!"

Panic gripped me and my universe imploded. Darkness; it was so very dark in the black hole of my mind. I couldn't let Flanagan go completely. It was too dark without her.

I felt ensnared, pushed and pulled by a gravitational singularity; ambivalent forces were at work in my mind. I was moving at regular intervals but never reaching my destination.

**Author's Note: Big love to all readers and reviewers. BBS is nominated for a Gigglesnort Award for best Bella, and, um, I believe voting is open for a couple of more days if you are so inclined to vote. I love the messages I get that say "I voted!" because no one actually specifies they voted for me. You guys are tricky bitches, aren't you? **

**Katinki the twisted and I have extended the submission deadline for the Monster-in-law contest. Won't you write something wicked for us? We're holding Renward and Underthebedward hostage until you do!**

**We're planning a couple of episodes of Fic Pushin' called Straight to the Vein. Have you checked out the podcast blog yet? There's a link on my profile.**

**Finally, OMFG, have you read "Get me to You" by Chicklette? That story has made my top ten list. She breaks every rule of grammar they taught me in school and I still love the shit out of it. Read it. You'll thank me. Pinkie Swears.**

**Okay, so I'm putting my pretty iPhone in my pocket. All I need are a few buzzes to take me home. I could go all night, baby.**


	44. Intervention

**Author's Note: Hey all, I'm in ****Vancouver**** and trusting my spectacular beta jkane180 to post my shit for me. Big love to Jess. Big love to everyone who voted BBS for best Bella in the Gigglesnort awards! Swanagan won best Bella in the Small Fry category. I love you guys sfm. Stay tuned for an announcement...**

"Stop it, love. Please stop crying. I'm not leaving you!"

Yeah, that's what he said now. But I was too clever and stuff. I mean, fool Bella once, shame on you, fool Bella three times, makes Bella a dull boy...

I took out my iPhone and started typing in parody of myself, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy," over and over again until Carlisle took my phone away, the piss-ant!

"Here's Johnny..." I dead-panned. Charlie and I used to watch The Shining over the Christmas holidays when I was a kid. The reference made me feel more like myself.

As for Edward, I was on to his crap. 'I'm not leaving you' was code for 'I'll stay as long as it's best for you.' My brain was like the spongy filter of a heavenly DuMaurier to the smoke and mirrors of his sweet words. "You're lying, and I don't exist."

...And fuck, I needed a smoke!

"Carlisle!" Edward's voice was exasperated. "What did you do to her?"

"Highly intensive therapy due to the time constraints. I employed the Freudian method rather than my typical Jungian technique. It appears she's now trapped in a degenerative cycle of negative thoughts and associations."

"In English, Carlisle."

"She's highly delusional, paranoid and severely depressed."

Oh god, if only I could summon the will to say something scathing and witty here. Helplessly, I looked at Edward. He smiled and said, "Thank you, Captain Obvious. Care to make any further astute observations on Bella's condition?"

Carlisle was adequately flummoxed. I leaned into Edward's shoulder and sighed.

"I got your back, baby," he whispered into my ear, causing an immediate flood of happy to lubricate the dull synapses of my serotonin starved brain.

"Leave us alone." Edward looked hard and angular and pissed as all fuck at Carlisle. That old familiar shot of adrenaline and dribble of pussy juice clued me in to the fact I suddenly wanted to be fucked.

"Son..." Carlisle didn't finish his thought because I launched myself at Edward, pulling his hand to the low riding waist band of my jeans.

"Get out!" he repeated, his voice cracking.

"I need it, Edward," I pleaded, my vision suddenly blurry with tears. "Finger bang me into oblivion. I want to feel something good."

He growled, his hand expertly undoing my jeans, while he used his other arm to hold up my limp frame. "Get out, Carlisle," Edward ordered while simultaneously kissing and muttering impassioned curses against the flesh of my breasts.

"Edward, this isn't going to help matters. Bella is unwell... and you're obsessed."

"Make him go away?" I pleaded, groping at his pants ineptly. He captured my wrist and covered his cock with my hand. It strained and twitched at the zipper of his jeans.

"I'm not going anywhere, Edward. Leave the girl alone. She's not going to get healthy with you confusing her like this."

"No. She's mine. I'll make her mine." He sounded so desperate. My heart leapt and fell, all at once. "I love you, Bella. I'll never leave you. Let me make you mine?" he implored.

"You will not change her, son. Not like this."

"This is no longer any concern of yours. I'm taking her away. I should have done it ages ago."

Some long-dead instinct in me tried to summon a fight or flight response to Edward's admission. I wasn't sure if I cared enough about my humanity to fight him. My instincts were indeed backwards because deep down, I knew I wanted him to win. The pain of the transformation would be fuck-awful, this I already had some inkling of, but it would mean being with Edward forever.

This was the logical path our story had to take. Edward and Bella: the greatest love story of all time. Fuck Romeo, fuck Heathcliffe, fuck Tristan, fuck Paris _and_ the horse he rode in on.

"Do it! Change me, before anyone can do anything about it. Fuck me and change me, Edward. I want to be with you forever." Still, I was terror-stricken at the thought of him biting me. I'd have to be a moron not to have considered the implications of eternal life. That shit just wasn't natural. But whatever, I was desperate for something grand to bring me back to life and this seemed like a pretty good solution.

All the same, Edward hesitated. "Do it!" I goaded. He brought his mouth to my neck, and I shrank away from him. "Sorry, wasn't ready. Try again!"

"I can't allow you to do this Edward." Carlisle had his phone in hand, sending texts at vampire speed. Idly, I wondered if anyone had thought of creating an app for quick-draw texting, since the speed the vamps employed in typing was faster than standard technology could recognize, or so I postulated.

"Bella, do you want this? Will you be mine?"

"Edward, you thick motherfucker, I was always yours. Get me out of here... I don't want to be changed under duress, but I'm scared as fuck of losing you."

"Never, baby. I'm never leaving you. Without you, I'm nothing."

"Nah-uh. I'm nothing! You're everything."

"No, Bella. You are my life-"

The door was thrown open with such force, the walls seemed to shudder. All at once, space seemed to disappear around us... uh, not really. Two huge forms made the room appear infinitely smaller.

"Dude, stop arguing; you're both insignificant turds on a gnat's behind," Emmett laughed, restraining his brother. Jacob grabbed my arms and pulled my shirt back down to cover my breasts.

"Let go of me!"

"Aw, Bells, c'mon. Jake's doing you a favour. Carlisle said you're quoting Jack Nicholson or some shit. Can you recognize how truly fucked up this situation is?"

Carlisle and Emmett both struggled to keep Edward subdued while I mourned the loss of my afternoon fix of sparklepeen. No good could come of this unexpected turn of events.

"Let go of me, Bounty-boy," I sneered and qualified, "That's your name now."

"Can't do it, Bells. Charlie is beside himself with worry. We love you, honey, and we want you to get better."

"Edward," I sobbed. He looked stricken.

"Sorry, doll," Emmett interjected. "It's Chinatown."

-({})-

When I awoke, I hadn't even realized that I had been sleeping. Hannibal Lecter was transported in the movie Silence of the Lambs, via an armed guard while donning a suit and mask with so much leather bondage even the most jaded domme would blush and look away. This was my first cognizant thought upon awaking, immobilized and strapped against something so hard my back protested against the stiff surface.

"Edward?" I sobbed like a pussy. "Where am I?"

My gummed eyelids struggled to part. Desperately I itched to rub them with my fists however, as I already fucking mentioned, I was bound, lying prone on my back, terrified and disgraced.

"Dr. Cullen? She's waking up!"

Well, fuck a duck! The voice of my kidnapper belonged to my own flesh and blood.

"Charlie?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"What the fuck?"

"How are you feeling, Bells?"

I couldn't quite turn my head to ascertain my surroundings; my neck was too cramped and sore to even test the limits of my bindings. On the ceiling, and I use this term loosely as it was barely two feet above my nose, there was a dimly lit no-smoking sign, a pair of air vents blowing stale, cool air at my face and chapping my lips, and a reading light, the kind you see on airplanes.

Oh crap, hell, shit and fuck and stuff! The dull roar of the engines and shaking of the chairs beneath me didn't clue me in at first.

"Where am I?" I repeated, feeling very much unladylike as a rage so perverse I was sobbing took over every natural impulse. "I'm on a mother fucking plane! How the fuck did you manage this bullshit? Why am I bound to this torture device? Did Carlisle convince you to go all Medieval with my therapy now?"

"No, baby, nothing like that. We just needed to restrain you for your own protection."

"Where's Edward?" I demanded, albeit fruitlessly.

"Now, Bella. We'll talk about the boy when we get to Southlake."

A white coat materialized in the cabin, hovering somewhere above my head, all angelic looking in her white cloak. "Top you off?" she asked, and I nodded at the syringe.

"I want DuMauriers when we land at Pearson."

The drugs worked quickly; I was snugly and happy. This particular white coat was an angel after all.

**Author's Note: Tomorrow my sister pimp and super-cool friend altheajams will be hosting a readalong on twitter for Becoming ****Bella Swan**** starting at 9:00 EST. I really hope you all can join us!**

**I'm still replying to reviews from the last chapter and I'm sooo sorry if I haven't replied to you yet. I've read every review, some multiple times! So, I'm in Vancouver, away from my husband this week. If I ever needed a pocket buzz it's now! **


	45. Paradox

**Author's Note: Hello! The trip to Vancouver was great, however I'm recovering from jet lag and haven't replied to many reviews. I've noticed a trend lately with people inquiring when the story will be over. I estimate within eight to ten more chapters. Please stop asking me the ending. My nerves can't take it and I've had a mean temper this week. I get a lot of difficult reviews and a couple of flames per chapter. According to my poll on twitter, this is more than the average ff author gets. Not sure why! Big inappropriate love wordslinger (Sonja) and Katinki (author of Renfield & Chiclets) for pre-reading, and of course, the bestest beta jkane180. All three ladies can be found in my fave authors because I love them.**

When you've been in the dark for a long time, eventually, your eyes adjust.

How long had I been here exactly? Temporal reality existed outside of my capacity for reason. Yeah, I fucking recognized my thoughts were irrational and my memories were no longer linear, which lead me to a paradox of sorts: crazy people don't recognize that they're crazy. Shouldn't my crazy cancel itself out then?

It wasn't that simple. I mean, for one thing, I had no idea where I was or why I felt such acute desperation when I couldn't even identify what it was that I craved.

My lids trembled under the strain of my clenched muscles. It took me several minutes to understand that the darkness was due, in part, to my closed eyes. I emerged from the black, terrified of what I would be faced with.

"Welcome back to the world of the living, Ms. Swan. If you eat your dinner, we'll be able to remove the feeding tube." A faceless coat was punching buttons on a machine. Automatically, I raised my hand to rub the sleep out of my eyes, but it was too heavy to lift.

"Welcome back? Where did I go?"

"Can you sit up?"

"No."

"Did you try?"

"There's really no point."

Eventually, she disappeared but the solitude felt no different. Nothing felt real, not even the catheter in my arm, which I yanked at every now and again to see if I could register pain.

Nothing.

The shadows that flew past me on the wall with every rising sun and subsequent waning moon should have marked the rise and fall of entire empires.

I was stuck on pause but my surroundings flew by on fast-forward. The silence was maddening; worse still were the sounds that I could not discern. One minute, everything was silent but for the buzzing of the overhead light, and the next, the quiet was breached by speech, voices that I weren't sure really existed outside of my own head.

"Please, Bells, talk to me?" a mustached man begged. I blinked at him several times and his words became garbled, completely lacking meaning.

"How much time has passed?" I managed, trying to make sense of the numbers on the clock.

He spoke again, but I could only watch the shadows on the walls.

The Sumerians, the Greeks, the Normans, the bloody Goths; with every rise and fall of my chest as my body forced air through my lungs, entire empires were destroyed in my head. _Slash and burn._ Clearly I lacked focus and context. I was certain that I'd finally gone over the deep end. I was drowning in my own need.

It took me several minutes to register that I had found my life preserver, or rather, that he had found me.

"Bella? Please, love, look at me?"

Even in the moonlight, he was glowing like a constellation of diamonds.

"Edward?"

He smiled in response, and I smiled back at him even though he wasn't real.

"So perfect," I muttered, tracing his skin like gold dust under the fluorescence. This hallucination was the kind of crazy that a girl could get used to.

"I'm not supposed to be here." He swallowed as if it was painful for him, and I nodded politely. He was a very perceptive figment of my imagination, to acknowledge that he simply should not be. "Carlisle made me promise, but, Bella, I can't stay away from you..." He bowed his head into his palm, rubbing at his forehead. His voice sounded strained. "It hurts...to be away from you, and it makes me insane to think of you in pain without me there to comfort you. Maybe it's wrong, love, but I need to be with you; I'm not strong enough to stay away."

Even still, he didn't try to touch me. I wondered if he could.

"What are you thinking? I'm sick with worry trying to figure out your thoughts."

"My arm hurts," I blurted because it was the first thought that sprung to mind after his question. "I don't want this thing in my vein. I don't want to be tethered to this machine."

"If you agree to eat, I'll remove it for a while."

"You can't," I explained. "You're not real."

"Yes, Bella, I am." He pulled my hand into his, touching me as if I was made of glass. I watched the tendons in his forearm shudder as he traced patterns on my palm. His hand was shaking, and vampires don't get cold or nervous or trembly.

"Nah-ah, you're shaking." My hand found its way to his chest, and I rubbed the muscles over his non-beating heart. "If you were real, you wouldn't be."

"I'm aroused."

"Um...what?"

"Can't help it. I want you, Bella," he almost sobbed. "It's not right with you being sick like this, but I need to make love to you." He bowed his head into my hair and blew cold air beneath my earlobe as he spoke. "I need to touch you."

"Awesome. Help me out of this gown."

"We don't have to do this...we can wait," he said, but he was already undressing me. "God, I can't help it," he repeated, his hands finding my breasts. "I need to be close to you."

"Take it out of me," I pleaded.

"That's not something a guy wants to hear..."

"The IV. Please take it out of me?" I winced at the bruising on my arm at the puncture site. "It's sore...make it better?"

Edward's face knitted with concern. "Of course, baby. Don't look, okay?" He didn't have to tell me twice. The thought of watching him pull the tube out of my vein churned my stomach. Instead, I looked at his eyes, watching the colour of his irises change from copper to rust to brown-black all within a matter of moments.

"Tell me when you're going to do it?"

"It's done, Bella." His eyes were onyx now, as a single drop of blood slid down my arm.

"Is this okay? You're not tempted are you?"

"Always. I'm always tempted."

"I was referring to my blood."

"So was I," he sighed almost mournfully and kissed the spot of blood. That was kind of gross.

"Ew."

"I want to consume every part of you."

"Ew, again."

"Every inch of you, Bella, I want to imbibe you like-"

"Oh my God, stop!" I pushed his face away from me, but he didn't move.

"Please, Bella?"

"You can't drink me."

"I want to make love to you."

I sighed and wrapped my arms around him. "I'll do whatever you want, Edward. Please just make me feel something? Nothing feels real." I was asking a vampire to help ground me in reality. Again, the situation was perverse enough to make me question my sanity again.

My hands were weak, but I wanted to undress him. I loved removing his clothes. He made himself pliable under my touch, anticipating how I needed him to move to unburden him of his sweater. Slowly, I lifted the hem of his shirt up his torso, exposing his stomach and ribs and chest, all hard muscles and nearly hairless unblemished skin. I cried out in pain when I got to his shoulders, and he caught my hand in his.

"You're in pain." He gave me his best brooding-vampire grimace. "I'm taking advantage of you."

"Shut the fuck up, Edward. Torture yourself later; right now I need you inside of me." I needed to act more like Flanagan. This depressive catatonic shtick had become old. I grabbed the discarded IV and said, "If you're a good boy, I'll let you lick the spoon."

"Don't joke about that."

"I thought you wanted my blood?" I taunted.

"Bella..." He undid the buckle of his belt and pulled his khaki pants down over his hips, his cock bouncing out all hard and ready. "Shut the fuck up so that I may fuck you senseless."

"Too late." I started salivating, aching to put his dick anywhere he would let me.

"If you're a good girl, I'll let you lick my knob."

"You're channelling Emmett."

"Can't help it. You're naked..." he explained, hooking a cool, wicked finger into my pussy and making me squeal. "I've lost the ability to articulate beyond my carnal need."

"Is that fancy-talk for 'you're thinking with your dick?'" I gasped, arching my back and baring down on his hand. Edward smiled at my response to his ministrations and drew his face down between my legs, kissing my inner thighs.

"Your femoral artery is so hot."

"That's just weird, Edward."

He licked a path towards my pussy while I squirmed under his cold tongue. "Need to taste..." His tongue, _holy fuck,_ it flicked and teased me, darting along my slit. He pulled my swollen clit between his lips in a gentle suck and groaned when my legs wrapped around his neck, pulling him tighter against me. The sensations that swirled deep within my cunt awoke the dormant woman inside of me.

"Edward, please? Please kiss and fuck me. I need to be close to you."

He released my clit, producing a popping as the seal his lips created opened, breaking suction. The sound made me whimper, and I used my heel to push his face back into me. "A little more," I moaned.

I wanted to come. I wanted to come on his face.

"I want to come on your face," I said sweetly, and Edward went back to licking at my nugget. My eyes wanted to close so that I could block out everything, save the sensation of the Klondike Bar that was his tongue on my, um, nerve bundle.

But I had only just emerged from the dark. If I closed my eyes again, I might lose myself.

"Faster! Harder! I want to feel more."

His tongue started doing that vibrating thing, the sensation causing me to buck wildly, lifting my body off the bed in an arch, Linda Blair style.

"More!"

Still vibrating, his fingers caressed the spot inside of me that always made my body sing. I let out a long moan, stopping only to breathe. The sounds of my pleasure seemed to make him even more enthusiastic. His hands made fists in the sheets, tearing the thin cotton, and his hips rotated forward, driving his cock towards me like a flower seeking the sun.

My moans turned into whimpers. I lifted my leg for no reason that I could think of, and Edward grabbed my foot and placed it on his shoulder so that my knee bent. I did the same thing with my other foot, and he let out a fierce growl as my pussy opened, again like a flower unfolding in a Springtime bloom.

Yeah, sorry, the blood had left my brain and settled in my clit. All I had to offer were flower similes.

"Christ, I need to fuck you," Edward said against my skin, looking at me in the eye before disappearing again below my public bone. He nipped and licked and sucked at my ridge, pumping one, two, _fuck me,_ three fingers inside of me and humping the side of the bed in rhythm with his skilled fingering.

Both of us cried out when my muscles shuddered and gripped his fingers. With each pulse of my orgasm, he stroked and strummed and licked me; each one of my cries were echoed with a feral growl of his own.

Before I even had a chance to recover, he was on me, entering me in a swift, accurate motion.

"Fuck me, Isabella Swan, that pussy was made just for my cock."

"Edward," I grunted out and pressed my hands into his ass. "You feel so good inside of me. I wish that we could just fuck forever."

"Your wish..." He lifted my leg so that it was perpendicular with the bed and held my foot to his chest "...my command." He pumped into me and my brain turned into mush; I surrendered my consciousness to him.

-({})-

"Snap out of it!"

"What?"

_Don't make me wake up, I'm in a better place. _I opened my eyes and blinked a few times, trying to makes sense of the what I was seeing: the IV was still in my arm and I was dressed again in that terrible hospital gown.

"You're a fucking psycho, Swan. What did they do to you in Washington? You were screaming half the night and you haven't said two fucking words to me since your return." Flanagan was eyeing me cautiously, sitting on the edge of my bed.

"What are you doing in my room?" I demanded.

She jumped off the bed and drew the curtain beside me, revealing another single bed, without all of the medical paraphernalia that adorned my cubicle. "This is my fucking room too, bitch."

The sheets were torn where I had imagined Edward's fists had clutched the bed.

"Fuck."

**Author's Note: I'm hosting the readalong on twitter Saturday at 9:00 EST. The story is Revenge Cake by restlessxpen. Hope you'll read along! **

**Pimping: Have you checked out the Twific Pimps blog? There's a link on my profile. This week, Twicharmed, AltheaJams and wordslinger chatted about Hide and Drink by Savage. This is a must read!**

**Press my button: Reviews make my girly bits happy. I giggle every time I read "Buzz" or something akin to it. Let me know that you're out there and reading please?**

**PS - I post flames on twitter, just so you know!**


	46. Assimilation and Disintegration

A/N Huge love to pre-readers wordslinger (my better third) and the brilliantly perverted Katinki. Jkane180 as always beta'd this chapter and talked me down from the ledge a couple times. Mind you the ledge was only five feet off the ground but I'm clumsy enough for that height to kill me. Song for this chapter is Paranoid Android by Radiohead, thanks to AltheaJams for rec'ing it for the playlist. Hi new readers - **waves like an idiot**

"No fucking way." There was no fucking way I had imagined it all. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and planted my feet onto the cold linoleum, and in typical Swan fashion, slipped onto my bare ass. The cold bit into my cunt, reminding me of Edward's cock.

"You're a mess, Swan." Flanagan grabbed my forearm and tugged me onto my feet.

"What the fuck?" I responded with. This was ten kinds of fucked up, seeing the bitch who had tormented me these past... I don't know, weeks? Months? Anyhoo, seeing her in the flesh made me uncomfortable, as if I was forced to confront a tangible example of everything I hated about myself.

Flanagan threw her head back and moaned, "Oh, Edward, fuck me! Don't stop fucking me! Shit, bitch, no one screams like that in real life. Have you been watching porn or something while you've been away?"

I shook my head and glared at her, scratching at the bruise on my arm; the IV was taped rather aggressively to my skin, and the adhesive was caustic. I tugged at the tape slowly and freed the clear tubes that were affixed to me. My veins burned with medication, and my eyes burned with frustrated tears. Everything was red.

"You listened to us fuck?"

"Nah, I listened to you have a wet dream about dead sparkle-dick, which actually sounds like a nasty British pudding."

"I don't understand what you're talking about..."

"It's a play on 'Spotted Dick...'"

"No, I mean...Edward. He was here."

Flanagan laughed again and humped the side of the bed, much the way Edward had. It was blasphemy.

"I need to find him," I sobbed pathetically.

"You lost your V-card when you went back, didn't you?" She stopped gyrating and grabbed my arm. "Fuck you're bruised. Give me your arm." Without waiting for my reply, she took my hand and tugged the IV out of my arm. "It's like someone tried to siphon your blood with a straw or some shit."

Would Edward have done that? There was in impression in my arm that was wider than the diametre of the IV and my heart leapt at the evidence that remained of our lovemaking: my bruised flesh and the torn sheets. "Yeah, I think Edward is real and you're a hallucination."

"Bella, where are you?"

"Um, Southlake, right?"

"Yeppers. What's Southlake?"

"A hospital."

"Disco. Who is more likely to be real at a mental hospital, a mental patient or a vampire?" She smoothed a Band-Aid over the puncture site and pulled an iPod out of her pocket. My arm throbbed and burned under the pressure.

"Don't try to confuse me with logic. Where's my phone?"

"They don't let the crazies have cell phones."

She dragged her finger across the screen and music filled the room, despite the headphones that were plugged into the port.

_"Please could you stop the noise; I'm trying to get some rest...from all the unborn chicken voices in my head," _Flanagan sang along,and a thought popped into my periphery, just beyond my reach.

"What's that?"

"Radiohead."

The overhead light buzzed like a fridge.

-({})-

I must have been crazy because I willingly subjected myself to the wrath of the White Coats.

"I want 'grounds' privileges." My fingers tapped impatiently on the Formica counter, and I licked moisture onto my parched lips, inhaling deeply and imagining the kiss of a DuMaurier filter. "I'm dying here."

"We're all dying." The nurse was a picture of apathy, clutching a folder against her chest while sifting through a filing cabinet. "Smokers are more thorough about it."

"But I need a smoke!"

"And I need a night with Mick Jagger, but you can't always get what you want." She made a show of pulling my file. "You're not permitted to even leave the ward, let alone the building."

"Why the fuck not?"

"Well, Ms. Swan, you've been on intravenous fluids feeding due to near-catatonic dementia. You're also on suicide watch."

"What? Why?"

"You swallowed a bottle of Ativan."

I didn't! Did I?

-({})-

_Shit and fuck and shit again! _Edward was sitting on my bed, unmoving, doing his best imitation of Michealangelo's David, only with arms and stuff. "Get the fuck out of my head."

His face of marble cracked, a ripple forming along his brow. "Where did you go, Bella?"

"Back into my right mind."

"You were gone."

"How could I have disappeared?"

He stood and opened his arms, his eyes pleading with me. No, I wouldn't be stumbling into that mousetrap again. _The cheese stands alone._

Using this false idol for comfort took more from me in trade than my sanity could afford, and I was running low on currency. Crossing my arms over my chest, I sidestepped the lie, and shrunk away from his embrace, from losing myself to Edward again. Instead, I moved behind the curtain to see if Flanagan was listening.

That's when I hit a wall, both in the literal and figurative sense. "Where did the other side of the room go?" My palm flattened and scraped against the concrete, searching for a seam. My confused whimpers filled the room.

"Bella?"

"Can't hear you."

"You're going to rub your palms down to the bone. What are you looking for?" He sidled up to me, and I turned my shoulder to him.

"Bella?" he repeated.

Ignoring him, I knocked fruitlessly, searching for a hollow spot in the wall.

"Bella, why are you knocking on the wall?"

Alright, that question deserved a withering glare. The question was as ridiculous as 'why did the chicken cross the road?' because the answer should have been fucking obvious.

"To get to the other side."

"Bella," Edward said softly as he placed his hand on the small of my back.

"Don't." But this time I didn't pull away. His breath was on my neck, and I was rendered dumb by a sudden onslaught of lust. "Don't fucking dazzle me with your pussy activating pheromones."

His breath caught and his hand started rubbing slow circles on my back, gently grazing my bare ass at the split of my hospital gown. "Is your pussy dazzled by me?"

"Constantly."

-({})-

Dr. Shapiro eyed me suspiciously and decided that I was too unstable for Group Therapy, the staple of the sanatorium experience. "Your propensity to assimilate to another personality poses a risk to your recovery," he explained.

"Oh, you did not just use the Borg as a metaphor with me."

He shrugged. "Yes, I suppose I did, indirectly."

"Go fuck a Tribble."

"Bella, your personality has undergone a transformation that is unsettling. You say that you remember who you are now? Surely you recognize that you're not acting like yourself?"

"Surely _you_ recognize that you're giving me too much credit."

"You're not in Washington anymore, Bella," Dr. Shapiro said to me, pausing as if he was going to follow-up with something remarkably profound. "The Canadian medical system only helps those who help themselves."

"Yeah, in the States that's the slogan for Jesus."

"The sentiment rings true," he smiled.

I couldn't tell if my doctor was just a dick, or if he was making an honest to goodness joke. Nevertheless, "I need to know what the fuck is going on."

The smile froze on his face. "Where would you like to begin?"

"Edward Cullen." His eyebrows arched at my reply.

"I don't know Edward, Bella, but I'm glad that you want to talk about him. That shows great progress."

"I wouldn't talk about him before?"

"Not without falling apart."

I nodded and attacked my lower lip with my teeth. "Is he real?"

"Do you think he's real?"

"No! Don't pull that shit with me. My life already feels like a David Lynch film. Answer the fucking question."

He sighed. "He's real, Bella."

_Are vampires real?_

"Is he here?"

"I don't know. Dr. Cullen is staying nearby as per your father's request; however, I can't tell you if Edward's with him."

"Flanagan is trying to convince me he's not real," I complained and shifted my assault onto my fingernails.

"Pardon me?"

"Flanagan. She's fucking with me. Why in god's name did the hospital room me with her again? I mean, especially if you're worried about me assimilating or whatever. Is this some sort of aggressive therapy that the province is using me as a guinea pig on?"

"Bella," Dr. Shapiro said carefully. "Isabella Flanagan killed herself just prior to your transfer to Tacoma two months ago."

-({})-

The curtain rippled indecisively, or maybe that was just me.

"Flanagan?" Was she a ghost, or was I really that fucking crazy? Neither answer was very promising. I walked through the fabric, and the room dissolved around me. Flanagan's bed resembled an ICU cubicle. A doctor and two White Coats hovered over her while she retched into a bedpan.

"How much did she have?"

"60 mg, at least. It shouldn't be lethal. What concerns me is how did she access an entire bottle?" Vomit ricocheted onto the doctor's coat as Flanagan emptied the contents of her stomach into the metal pan.

"Hello?" I whispered. No one noticed me at all.

"Who gave it to you, honey?" the White Coat asked, struggling to keep Flanagan's head forward as she fought to lie back down.

"I fucked a White Coat for it," she croaked.

"Hello!" I said louder. This time Flanagan looked at me, while her attending staff remained oblivious to my existence.

"Get bent."

"What's happening? Are you okay?" My feet were planted stubbornly on the ground. I could not move or speak properly.

"Yeah, I'm fucking grand."

"You took a bottle of pills?"

_To get to the other side._

"It would seem so."

"What can I do to help?"

"Nothing. I'm not really here, remember? Go back to sparkle-dick."

"Shapiro says that you died."

Panic reached her eyes for a minute, and we stared at each other helplessly. I stepped forward but couldn't quite reach her bedside. "Let me help," I pleaded.

"Do us both a favour, Swan," she spat. "Pay no attention to the girl behind the curtain."

Author's Note: Buzz Buzz! Haha, yeah, so this was a little unsettling and no sparkleporn (sorry) but we're heading towards the climax (unf) so I had to go there. I'm going to write a timeline and post on the Twilighted thread to help with some of the confusion. It's not completely necessary to read it, but for those of you looking for a linear path in this fic, it may help ;)


	47. Help, I'm Alive

**Author's Note: Italicized text is a quote from earlier chapter, When Swans Cry. This is Bella's memory following her confrontation with Laurent after seeing Jacob phase (unbeknownst to him). There is no cliff dive in BBS though. OMG guise (thank twitter for that sms-speak) the Fandom Gives Back auction starts tonight. I'm auctioning off an outtake of BBS, anything you want. My beta jkane180 always wanted an Emmett outtake so I wrote one several chapters ago for her. That's an example of what I'm selling. Please bid on your favourite authors for a great cause. There's a link to my auction on my profile, or google "Fandom Gives Back" for general information on Alex's Lemonade Stand. Mac214 graciously guest-beta'd this chapter and my brave pre-readers are Katinki and wordslinger. Stay tuned for author's note at the end regarding the auction. **

I tremble  
They're gonna eat me alive  
If I stumble  
They're gonna eat me alive

Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer?  
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer

-Help, I'm Alive by Metric

-({})-

"Did I mention how big Phil's cock is?"

"Mom!"

_Holy fucking Christ!_ I covered my ears and watched the curtain around my bed shudder.

"Sorry, we're both girls here." Renee giggled like an idiot, completely oblivious to the fact I was having some sort of psychotic episode. I mean, what the fuck? Who the hell comes to the funny farm to visit their daughter and talks about their husband's wang?

"Mom, have you listened to a word I said?"

She sighed and swiped my bangs out of my eyes. "Yes, Bella. Are you being safe?"

"Nope." I was talking to a brick wall. Not just any brick wall: the world's dumbest and sluttiest wall in the history of masonry. "I mean, I'm like, fucking a vampire or whatever, so there's really no safe way to do it."

"How long has he been playing?"

"Um, playing what?" I scratched at the sanguineous blotch on my arm. It seemed to be even redder than it was yesterday.

"Baseball. You said Edward was an umpire?"

Jesus fuck!

-({})-

"Edward, you're trying to distract me."

"Mmmhmm." How long had he been down there? His mouth didn't even feel cool anymore. I tapped him on the head several times, but he was determined to complete the job at hand, or rather, at tongue.

"I wanna see the room I shared with her, Edward. I need to know what I imagined and what's real."

"Right now?" he panted, his fingers taking over where his mouth had left off.

"Yeah," I said, pulling his hand roughly against my pussy. "Stop it." But I didn't let go.

"I can't stop if you don't give me my hand back." I felt his fingers strum over my clit rhythmically. "Do you want me to stop?" His soft, almost-warm mouth ghosted kisses over my thigh.

No, I didn't want him to fucking stop. I mean, I was insane but not stupid.

"Take your pants off, Edward. You can answer my questions while fucking me." I was an excellent multi-tasker, after all. Without waiting for him to answer, I sat up and pulled his hips towards me so that his crotch was lined up with my face. Before undoing his leather belt, I took a detour up to his smooth navel and kissed the marble of his skin, alternating carefully between teeth and tongue, biting and licking a trail down to the waist of his jeans. He shuddered beneath my kiss, and I fumbled with his belt, distracted by the whispered curses he chanted.

"Fuck me, Bella. Your mouth feels so hot."

Usually Edward undressed himself when we fucked, doing that super-human vampire, faster-than-a-speeding-bullet thing he did so well. Shit, I was missing out. Tooth by silver, agonizing tooth, I unzipped his fly, kissing his cock through his underwear as I went. He throbbed and groaned and arched against my mouth.

"Suck it," he begged. "Please, Bella, let me fuck your mouth."

"Sure, Edward. I just have a few questions first."

He groaned; it sounded strangled and hot and annoyed all at once. "After," he begged.

"Nah-uh. I need you motivated. Nothing motivates a man like a blow job." I fisted his dick, pumping it a few times while ghosting over his slit with the tip of my tongue. "When did you learn that Flanagan killed herself?"

"Shit," he swore and grabbed a handful of my hair, pushing my head forward. He strained to make contact with my lips but I stubbornly turned my face away.

"Answer the question."

He sighed and released my head. "I read your file," he said, swallowing almost nervously.

"When?"

"As soon as you were hospitalized again in Washington. When I heard... when Carlisle reached me in Brazil, he filled me in on what had happened."

"You were in Brazil while I was losing my fucking mind in this hospital?" I lurched away from the bed and pulled my hospital gown over my head, tangling my arms through the sleeves in my haste. "How nice that you could afford a holiday."

"You're angry..."

"Fuck you, I'm angry. I'm..." There wasn't an adjective for this. Beyond anger, I felt a baffling range of emotions all at once. Unadulterated loathing, pity, disgust... disappointment. "You're so weak," I whispered, turning my face back to Edward so he could see me, what his decision to leave had done to me. I didn't realize I was crying until I felt the tears drip off my chin. My breathing quickened. I was gasping and sobbing.

"Bella... please, love, believe me. I never would have left if I knew what would happen. Every moment we were apart I suffered with you. My heart was with you every moment."

"Yeah, that's bullshit. Did your heart extend across the border? You were an entire continent away from me! You fucking left me. Your brother tried to kill me, but I'm the one who was punished. And then you fucking come back all contrite and shit, telling me you love me, telling me Jacob is a piss-ant for fucking me while I'm sick." I motioned to his cock that was still proudly erect. That cunt of a cock had the audacity to throb and twitch at the proximity of my hand. "Jacob's only eighteen, mostly just a regular kid, but he never left me unprotected..."

"Bella, I had followed Victoria to Brazil, that's why I was there. I had no way of knowing Victoria would send Laurent for you... Fuck, I should have known. _I_ should have protected you from them. To think that you were so frightened you would-"

"That's not what I meant," I screamed. "Jacob tried to protect me from myself."

-({})-

_"Put me down," I sobbed and raked my nails over his skin. "I was supposed to die today. Give me back my death!"_

_"No, Bells. I won't let you die."_

_I allowed Jacob to carry me through the woods, but I was a limp, dead weight in his arms. My body lolled like a ragdoll. I looked up at the canopy of trees. I could not blink._

_"We need to get back to the car," I mumbled. "Ethan's asleep. I left a message for Deb but..."_

_"What are you talking about? You're not making any sense."_

_"Put me down." My voice was weak, but my desperation cut through the silence. In my head I was screaming._

_"Shh, Bells. I need to get you to the-"_

_"Put me down, asshole!" _

-({})-

Something dark and twisted in me wanted to rub his cock with one hand, and cut out his heart with the other.

"Charlie didn't want to send me to Tacoma when I got home. He tried, but it wasn't helping..." Shit, I was on the verge of remembering something important. "...Nothing was helping. She was gone; I was gone too, but I couldn't crawl out of my own skin. I wanted to... I didn't want to live in my head anymore, but there was nowhere to go."

-({})-

"Since when do you swear? Jeez, you're worse than Embry." Jacob smiled and tried to grab my hand. His fingers laced through mine, but I didn't hold on. He slipped through my fingers like sand.

"Thanks for taking me home." I huddled against the door of his car and pressed my head against the window.

"Can I come in?" He looked so hopeful.

"I kinda just want to go to sleep, Jake." I pulled the door handle, but Jacob grabbed a handful of my shirt.

"Please, Bells? We need to talk about what you saw."

"I didn't see anything, Jake..." Nothing that I could trust. I mean, there was no way I just witnessed my best friend turn into a giant dog.

"What happened to Laurent?" I asked cautiously.

"Who's Laurent?"

_Just a vampire who's trying to kill me. _

"Doesn't matter." With a little luck, he'd be back to finish me off before the night was through. Thank God Charlie was on a fishing trip this weekend. Actually, it was kind of perfect. This would be a good death. Apt.

"Can I come back in the morning, at least? I don't like the idea of you staying here alone." He let go of my shirt and wrapped his arms around me. Weakly, I returned his embrace and pressed my cheek against his bare bicep. I wanted desperately to feel something, but I didn't. I didn't even register the warmth of his skin or the slightly sweet musk his body emitted when he sweat.

Nothing. I felt nothing. Not even my own body.

"Sure, Jake. I'll call you, okay?"

Shrinking away from his sudden embrace, I ran from his car as if someone was chasing me. I ran into the house and up the stairs, careful not to look at the pictures that lined the wall as I passed. I ran down the hall and into my room.

Making sure the window was opened wide, I waited. Laurent would find me.

-({})-

"But he didn't find me," I explained. "He didn't find me because the wolves killed him. Jake saved my life while you were on _holiday_." I spat the final word like a curse.

"Bella... I'm so sorry..."

"Edward..." Something wasn't adding up. "I remember something, but it doesn't make any sense."

"Don't, Bella. Don't do this."

"Edward, I think I'm starting to remember..."

"No, Bella."

I shouldn't have remembered.

I should have listened.

Why didn't I listen?

-({})-

_Laurent never came_. When I woke up, my heart still beating stubbornly beneath my breastbone, I found myself disappointed to still be alive.

**Author's Note: FGB auction is up, like I said. I'd like to pimp the podcast blog I work on, The Twific Pimps. We are auctioning off a guest spot on the podcast and exclusive rights to a "Hump Your Reader Wednesday."**

**Also Mac214 (who beta'd this chapter) from Project Team Beta is auctioning off her beta services. Trust me, you want to bid on this opportunity. Mac214 is the author of Relative Wind and co-author of Ultio. Join Team Mougar to bid on a Relative Wind outtake!**

**Katinki is auctioning off a Bella POV of Renfield and Chiclets. Be prepared to bid against me for this one.**

**Damn, I wish my pocket was vibrating...**

**PS - Twicharmed, stop reading my author's note and read the update!**


	48. Fire and Ice

**Author's Note: Hez_Pixie, Mac_214 and Katinki pre-read this chapter via a wc. I force wordslinger to pre-read everything I write and jkane180 beta'd. Please don't lynch me for this chapter. **

"Bella, stop." Edward pulled me off of the bed and back into his arms. I didn't know if I was shaking from the cold of his skin or the memory. Shuddering and slipping on my words, I found myself impotent; unable to properly connect with my surroundings. My fingers slid across the bare flesh of Edward's forearm, but I couldn't touch him. To my absolute horror, he was melting like an ice cube.

"Oh my God..."

"No, Bella. You're fine."

"Let go of me!"

His arms were constricting me still, but I was wet and shivering. "Please don't ask me to do that," he pleaded.

Fuck, I couldn't concentrate. Why wouldn't he let me think? "Edward...let go." Everything was ice water and I was drowning in his embrace. Gasping, I drew air into my lungs in short pants, but felt no relief.

"I just want to take you home," he said pathetically, releasing me. Like a dog, I shook the water that was beginning to crystallize in shards from my hair.

"You can't, though. I've broken through the wall, Edward. I understand what's real and what's not."

"Let me make love to you? I'll bring you back."

I shook my head. The puddle at his feet was becoming palpable. "No. Don't you see? When I wake up and you're gone, it'll make it that much more difficult. I can't do it, Edward. I can't let you slice me open and mend me..."

"Sometimes you have to bleed in order to heal."

"I think I've heard that somewhere before."

-({})-

A tear in time, barely a snip, but the sharpness of my realization tore my reality asunder; a clean cut.

This was not a memory. The hospital room transformed into my bedroom in Forks.

This was not a memory. There were pills in my purse, an entire bottle, leftover from my stay in Southlake.

No, not a memory at all. Everything else was fabricated. The fabric of time had not ruptured; I had.

Not a memory at all. I wasn't remembering, I was becoming aware. I was waking up.

-({})-

"The pills?" It was a question posed to myself, since I was alone in my head. Edward was nothing but shards of glass: cold, sharp, and so beautiful.

"You took them," he confirmed, and rainbows bounced off of his skin.

"Am I dead, Edward?"

"We're running out of time."

This wasn't real. This room wasn't real but I had questions that needed to be answered. Who was Flanagan? Why did she matter?

Slowly, I stood, careful not to slip on the wet floor. "I'm unplugging myself from the Matrix," I explained, creeping by him and towards the curtain around my bed. "I've seen how deep the rabbit hole goes and I can't turn this shit off anymore."

"Bella..."

"It's over, Edward." I drew back the curtain, searching, always searching for something that couldn't possibly be there.

Everything felt so foggy and insubstantial, save for the burning pain pulsing in my arm; a fire that grew more dramatic with every pump of my heart.

"Fuck, Edward. How could you do this to me? How could you let me believe this was real?"

"I just want to take you home," he repeated. He was beautiful in the moonlight. Somehow he was sparkling, the delicate light through the window casting shadows on his face, emphasizing his dramatic bone structure.

Now that it was too late, I knew I wanted to go home with him. More than anything, I wanted us to be together forever.

"Goodbye."

"I'm not leaving you," he insisted.

"I am. I'm waking up now."

He froze, completely. "Right. Well... fuck."

"Bye." I could see my face reflected in his eyes.

"Bye, Bella. I love you."

I nodded. All the good that would do me now.

I fell through the ice.

-({})-

"Isabella, wake up. Please open your eyes."

My arm throbbed, my stomach burned, and a fire ignited deep within my throat. A metronome of beeps kept time with my anguish; the pumping of my heart was echoed by a synthetic chime. It sounded familiar and foreign, all at once, like it was out of context with my mind, a step beyond my conscious thought. I couldn't keep up.

I was craving something I didn't understand.

-({})-

An entire bottle, but still, I couldn't sleep. What was keeping me awake?

My phone was beeping. Yeah, of course it was.

_You see this coming, but not Laurent? What kind of psychic are you? _Too little, _too late_, Alice. Without checking my call screen, I accepted the incoming call.

"Alice."

"Am I too late?"

"Always."

"Bella? Listen to me, Bella. You need to vomit. Go to the bathroom and make yourself throw up."

I giggled. The idea was so preposterous my entire body convulsed in a violent fit of maniacal laughter. Bile rose in my throat, and I choked and sputtered on the burning liquid.

"That's it, Bella."

My chest heaved. I tried to swallow, to breathe through my nose and concentrate on keeping my stomach calm, but it revolted, churning acid into my chest. My saliva took on a bitter note, and so help me, I fought against a relentless wave of nausea. I clung to my death like a lifeboat.

"Pickled eggs," Alice squeaked desperately.

The contents of my stomach were ejected violently in a pulsating jet of liquid fire. All I did was part my lips; my stomach muscled did all the rest.

When it was over, I was reduced to a quivering mass of sweat and vomit and self-hate.

"Bella? Bella?" The phone mocked me. "He'll be there soon. Hold tight, okay?"

"Nice try," I rasped and cut the line. Edward wasn't coming back. I was no good for him.

A new idea came to mind. "I think I'll have a bath, Alice." My phone blared an insistent ringtone, sounding more shrill than usual, somehow, with Alice on the other end. I flipped it over to vibrate, but still it beeped, notifying me of an incoming text.

Throwing my phone onto the ground, I stripped my soiled clothing off and padded barefoot into the bathroom. Fuck, I was so cold. At least the water would be warm.

It was convenient that Charlie enjoyed such a close shave. Straight edges weren't easy to come by anymore, but there was an ample supply in the medicine cabinet.

I pulled an old lipstick that Alice had left behind from the vanity drawer and scribbled, "Charlie, it's not your fault," across the mirror.

-({})-

_Please_. I tried to say the word, to beg and scream and claw my way out of myself, but something was making it difficult to speak. Something foreign was wedged inside of my throat.

"Can you hear me? Come back to me, please?"

_What came first, the Swan or the egg?_

Struggling against an oblivion, a wholly vacant darkness that threatened to overtake my mind, I tried to resurface, to cling to any shred of light I could find, but I couldn't summon the will to open my eyes.

"Squeeze my hand? If you can hear me, squeeze my hand."

My fingers would not obey my brain. It had taken on a sentience beyond the person whom I thought I was.

-({})-

"Bella?"

"Edward?"

I couldn't make sense of what I was feeling. Edward's voice... I mean, I could hear it, but I couldn't see anything.

Freezing...

Burning...

I tried to gasp, but there was no air.

"Can you hear me, love?"

Sucking wind through my lips, I tried to fill my lungs again.

"Edward?" The texture of my voice was off.

**Author's Note: Any clue what happened at the end of this chapter? Include it in your review. If you're right, I'll include your pen name in my next chapter.**

**I started posting a new fic called Stigmata Tomato. It's an angst/comedy, Bella/Edward and all human. It's a different kind of strange.**

**Big love to mac_214 for buying my BBS one-shot in the Fandom Gives Back and for being so awesome.**

**Reviews = Good Vibrations**


	49. That Corpse you Planted

**All italicized text is from the chapter Enema (best chapter name ever!). First person to guess that Bella had changed to vamp was Mademise Morte, DazzledbyJake got the suicide part first. foreverandnevr got that Tacoma was all in her head, but not Southlake. DestinyNoel12 Got the breathing tube down the throat. Bonsai76 spelled her own pen name. Fuck, I'd love to name everyone because the reviews from this chapter blew me away. I fucking love you guys. Um, no one mentioned poor Flanagan. Where was she?**

**All reviews were read and re-read on my iPad while I was on vacation with the mister and my little boy. I apologize if I haven't replied, FFn and Mac handhelds do not play nice. Thanks to jkane180 for the beta. wordslinger for being a motherfucking genius and Katinki for WC'ing me into the end of this chapter tonight.**

That corpse you planted last year in your garden,  
Has it begun to sprout? Will it bloom this year?  
Or has the sudden frost disturbed its bed?  
O keep the Dog far hence, that's friend to men,  
Or with his nails he'll dig it up again!

-TS Eliot, The Wateland

I was dead. I had died sometime over the course of the morning, but _he_ couldn't leave well enough alone.

Now there was only pain; the anguish of knowing what I had kept buried so deep. The anguish of being coaxed from the grave, forced to wake up inside of a corpse. My corpse.

"Open your eyes, love."

Somehow I was on the ceiling, my legs hooked on the shower curtain rod, while my hands gripped the top of the tub surround.

"Look at me, Bella."

My lids parted. Water clung to my lashes, and I could see rainbows in every droplet. Actually, I could count my eyelashes. They were like snowflakes: no two were the same.

"Say something, please?"

My back shot up; the downy peach fuzz of my skin spiked along my spine, urging every dead nerve ending in my body into acute attention. I was on edge but had no somatic cues to lend credence to my panic. Instead of blood rushing through my body, I felt a dull current of energy, a substance I could not name.

"Blood," I chirped. The word wasn't monosyllabic at all. It was rich and long and onomatopoeiadic. It sounded like a vessel sluicing through a vein. The very sound of the word was poetry. I wanted it. Nothing else mattered but the word.

"Yes, love. I have all the blood you need. Come down from the ceiling."

His hands were raised in surrender. He approached me timidly, crouched and slightly hunched, not like he was afraid of scaring me off. No, he was afraid of _me_! His movements were defensive.

"How?" I asked. I didn't know how to move in this body. My limbs were completely unpredictable.

"Do you trust me?"

I actually snorted.

"Just let go. Your reflexes will do the rest. Trust me, Bella, it is quite impossible for you to hurt yourself."

I released my grip on the rod and felt myself fall, landing in a crouch on the vanity. "Now what?" I whispered, or at least tried to, but forcing air over my larynx was such a foreign feeling. The air was cold, having not been warmed by my vampire body. It was also unchanged, the same compound of molecules exiting my lungs as it was entering my lungs. I wanted to shudder at the thought that I was no longer organic, but I wasn't sure how to shudder.

"Carry me?" I pleaded.

"You can walk. I swear, just think about walking and you'll do fine."

"I can't…I'm frightened."

"There's blood in the fridge. You just need to make it to the kitchen."

"Shut the fuck up and carry me!" I screamed, shattering the mirror. The glass splintered into fragments, and I covered my face before the shards even left the frame. When a particularly jagged piece ricocheted off my arm, it exploded into dust from the impact.

That's when a new thought appeared in the organ formerly known as my brain: I was really fucking indestructible. I felt a cold smile spread across my face.

"You're a coward and a pansy."

"I'm so sorry, Bella. You're going to be alright; it just takes practice."

I wasn't even sure who he was. The Edward I loved in my memories, the Edward I fucked and kissed and made love to was not real. He never came back at all.

Everything else was in ruins, but finally, my memory was intact.

-({})-

The memory I had only half uncovered with Carlisle came fast and furious. The woods: where I had planned to confront Alice, to beg her to turn me into a vampire so I would be worthy of Edward's love...

_"Alice?" Damn, my new phone was so complicated. "Please? Meet me at the turn-off for Andersonville of the one-oh-one...or, at least call me when you get this message." My decision was sudden. I wasn't sure if she would foresee my request. Also, I hoped to God that Edward wasn't in earshot when she did._

It was all too awful. Every time Edward kissed me, after the incident with James, it was as if he was kissing me goodbye. There was a desperation in me to hold on to him, to say the right things, to anticipate his every need, and to be good enough for him to keep me. But I wasn't good enough. Until we were equals, I would never been good enough.

This snivelling asshole that I had become was not me at all. I hated her. She was weak and clumsy and ugly. I didn't want to be Isabella Swan any longer.

_"Alice," I murmured, feeling ridiculous. "You have to listen to me. He won't do it...only you can. Please? I trust you, Alice. I trust you to change me..."_

_It had occurred to me that since the decision had been made by me, Alice could probably follow my thoughts. I didn't even need the phone at all._

_Suddenly, the ground tripped away from me, and I fell forward onto my stomach. "Crap," I muttered, grateful that the only creature to witness my spastic clumsiness was a goose._

_"Are you hurt?"_

_"Jasper?" My voice was incredulous. "What are you doing here?"_

_"I got your message," he explained. I rolled over onto my back and saw him standing several paces away from me holding Alice's phone. "She's hunting with Edward. Is everything alright?"_

_"Yeah, fine. Sorry, I didn't mean for you to have to come out here. I needed Alice." Crap, if she was with Edward than he probably had figured out what I was up to._

_"Bella..."_

_"Do you think Alice could block her thoughts from Edward? I mean, if she really, really wanted to?"_

_Jasper's eyes were turning onyx. It was very strange. "Bella..." He moved toward me like a stalking cat, twitching with excitement._

_"Jasper?" A line of blood tricked down my leg._

_"You've skinned your knee."_

_"S-Sorry," I stuttered._

_"I can't help myself, Bella. I want you. I have to have you...I'm sorry."_

_"Okay, Jasper, but could you not kill me all the way dead?"_

The bite, it was worse than I remembered because pain is impossible to recall accurately. The body protects itself from the remembering; a defence mechanism so the mind will not suffer in the recollection.

Trying to remember pain was like trying to remember love.

Vampires have perfect memories.

I had screamed, over and over again. He held me down and covered my mouth with his hand. He swore several times, wrenching his face away from my shoulder. My pain was his pain. My terror was his terror, but still, it wasn't enough to quell the violent thirst my flowing blood inspired in him. I didn't understand at the time. He was supposed to be my brother. How could he kill me so easily?

I didn't understand then, but I certainly understood now. I'd kill my own father for a taste.

Blood. The word, so much like music. I knew what it would smell like, even though my vampire senses had yet to experience it. The sweet, the hot and the wet; it was the only thing in the natural world that would quench the hideous burn. The burn wasn't just in my throat, it was everywhere in my body. The fire never ended after the transformation. The pain was no longer present, but the terrible fire still remained.

"I'm sorry," Jasper had sobbed against my throat. "I'm stopping," he said roughly but still sucked at my torn flesh.

"You're not," I whimpered like a child. And I was a child. Desperately, I wanted my mother. I called for her over and over again. _Mommy...make it stop; Mommy, help me..._I didn't know it at the time, but vampires have perfect memories, even of things they didn't consciously acknowledge in their human life.

"I am," he had gasped. "I'm pulling the venom from you, Bella. I'm so sorry. It'll hurt for a while longer."

I tried, really I did. I tried to tell him no, to let the venom spread and let me change.

I hadn't taken into consideration the pain.

Words evaded me.

-({})-

"It still burns, Edward," I whimpered, tossing another empty bag of donor blood onto Charlie's kitchen floor. "Why won't the burning stop?"

"It will," he soothed. "You'll adjust. Your senses are overpowering...it takes time."

"Knock me out," I pleaded.

The look he gave me tore me in two.

"You know I can't," he choked and walked toward the fridge. He removed a tray of ice from the freezer and returned to my side, ghosting the entire tray over my throat. "Where does it burn the worst?"

"Inside my head."

The ice didn't soothe me, but it gave Edward a modicum of hope that he still had control over the situation. He held me and rubbed me down for days, it seemed. Time felt different to me now, slower and quicker all at once.

When the night gave way to dawn, Edward announced that it was time for us to leave. I followed. I had no choice.

"I'm...surprised," I said finally, having not spoken once throughout the night that I was aware of. My feet were so light against the ground that walking felt like flying. My characteristic heavy and clumsy gait had transformed entirely.

"About what, love?" Edward's hand was gentle as he guided me towards the forest path opposite of my father's house.

"All of it...this doesn't feel right to me. I feel...even more lost than I was in Tacoma."

"Bella." Edward wrapped his arms around me and kissed the shell of my ear. "You were never in Tacoma."

"I know."

"You came home; Charlie took you home when you were discharged in Toronto." He bowed his head and pressed his forehead against mine. "I heard your dreams while you were changing...I'm so sorry. It was terrible, what you imagined you went through."

"It wasn't all bad, Edward." I smiled and allowed my gaze to fall to the zipper of Edward's pants. Somehow, Flanagan would be forever embedded in my psyche. She wanted to grab his cock. She was me.

"I know," Edward smiled, and pressed his mouth against mine. "Isabella," he whispered. "Get naked and bend over. I'm going to fuck you, love. I'm going to do all of the things you imagined we did while you were changing." He grabbed my hand and pressed it against his dick. Unlike dream Edward, real Edward hardened under my touch.

"Please," I whimpered.

"Show me your pussy, Bella."

**Author's Note: No, this isn't the last chapter. Two more until the end. I've started a new fic called Stigmata Tomato that you might like. Also, I've posted a really fucked up outtake of BBS as a separate story. This is the FGB piece that mac214 made me write. I can honestly say it's the most fucked up fic I've ever written.**

**Fic Rec: Daniel Gale - Cumming to America. If you haven't read it, you simply must!**

**My pockets are not vibrating right now and I'm sad. One reviewer will be humped by me on Wednesday this week on the Twific Pimps blog. There's a link on my profile. Author's, make sure to hump you readers. They want it bad.**

**Shit and fuck and stuff.**


	50. Sleep of Death

**Author's Note: Sorry for the delay, I was hospitalized with a kidney infection. I'm okay! Second last chapter. Be prepared, not everyone is going to like what happens here. I hope that I've left enough clues as I've written so it won't be a complete shock. This story has been a wonderful experience to write and it kills me that I'm down to the last chapter after this. I'll have to write lots of naughty outtakes. Thanks to jkane180 for the beta (best beta ever!), and wordslinger and katinki for pre-reading. Katinki provides honest advice, and she's sweeter than she gives herself credit for. Wordslinger leaves the strangest notes on my doc ever, including shit like "People won't know what that means. I do, but I'm a motherfucking genius." **

**A special thank you to the students of prof Anne Jamison's pop culture course for making me feel like a real author! Thanks for interviewing me, Jesse!  
**

**I'm totally about to quote one of the most over quoted Shakepeare quotes ever. Sorry. I have to do it.**

To sleep—perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub!  
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

-Shakespeare, Hamlet Act III, Scene I

**-({})-**

With perfect clarity comes perfect regret.

My mind reclaimed memories at lightning speed, or perhaps more aptly, let go of the false ones, shedding lie after lie, revealing a tender and raw truth underneath. This was a most intricate repression. Like peeling an onion, I watched in terrible awe as each subsequent layer of the gossamer skin was pulled back, giving way to more falsehood. Growing impatient and terrorized, I gouged through the delicate skins, desperately seeking the core, to know if the skins would reveal an entirely different vegetable altogether.

"Edward," I murmured against his warm skin. His temperature was so foreign to me now; not cool at all, but simply perfect. It was a miracle to kiss his sweet skin.

"Bella...I want you. It's not just want, I _need_ you."

He turned me around to face the tree, and I pressed my palms against the bark. I could feel every rough ridge of loosened wood against my strange skin. If I wanted to, I could rub my hands down the trunk of the old tree and sluice off its skin. It was five-hundred or so years old, but I had the power to pull it from the earth.

"I want you," I growled. "Edward, I need you too."

"You spoke in your dreams. You cried out as you imagined me fucking you. Oh, God, Bella..." he whimpered against the back of my neck. "I'm so sorry, love. I'm so sorry I denied you."

"You did it for my own good," I recited. We'd had this conversation, both in the real world and in my dreamscape too many times before. I had grown tired of this argument. "It doesn't matter anymore."

"Of course it does, Bella. Today's a good day. Today you're finally my wife, and I want to bind you to me in every way possible."

"Doesn't that require some sort of form and a notary stamp?" I smirked. He chuckled against the back of my neck, and it felt like heaven. I wanted to remember the feeling. I wanted to hold on to this memory.

"Bella..." his voice broke under an emotion I didn't quite understand. He pulled the skirt of my dress up and held my hips firmly, bucking into my behind with a force I'd never felt him use before. A groan tore through him, sending ripples of mad lust through my body. The dull electrical stream that replaced my blood flow seemed to settle into my pussy. Despite being dead and empty, I liquefied there.

"Fuck me, Edward. I need to feel you inside of me."

"Do you remember what it felt like, love, in your dream?" His fingers cupped my backside and slapped my skin gently. I bent forward and wrapped my arms around the tree, quivering at the sound of another snarl coming from Edward. God, oh my fucking God, he sounded like a beast, an animal that had rattled at its cage all its life and was finally set free. "Do you remember?" he repeated.

The final skin was pulled back from the onion, revealing a bloody heart, still beating.

"I remember everything," I gasped, falling forward.

I did. I really did.

-({})-

**Excerpt from Chapter 43, Event Horizon:**

_Group therapy was merciless. It was hard enough for me to come up with sufficiently plausible lies to explain the trauma I suffered in the woods. Flanagan and I had come up with the story that Jasper raped me, and Ed—he...found out and left me. Shit, I had allowed myself to think his name, to remember his face and his hair; all that was mine, which I would never touch again._

_If I had the will to laugh though, I would. Flanagan played it all like a game. In fact, to the casual observer, therapy at Southlake would appear like game of baseball hosted by the Mad Hatter. Shapiro would pitch the questions, and Flanagan would offer answers so very far off-base that they were positively foul._

_That was, until the day that Flanagan remembered what happened to her. Shapiro dismissed group after her first revelation, suggesting that I stay with her for a bit._

_Flanagan was muttering to herself about werewolves and vampires. She lifted her sweater and studied her butchered stomach._

_"Can I get you some water?"_

_She cocked her head in the direction of my voice but didn't reply._

_The chairs in the room were still arranged in a circle. All were empty now but one. Was the irony lost on her, I wondered, that she was seated alone in a healing circle?_

_"Stop staring at me!" Her voice produced a sharp reverberation which jarred me out of my reverie._

_"Oh, was I?" Carefully, I sat down beside her, and my chair squeaked, filling the room with a deafening echo. Everything was quiet now, and it seemed strange, like the secrets revealed should still be reverberating off the walls. In fact, I dragged my chair across the linoleum again to produce that terrible squeal._

_"It didn't happen to me."_

_Was I supposed to agree with her or help feed her fantasy? Her blue eyes were desperate and tear-filled. What was the correct response?_

_"I know, Isabella. I've felt that way before too…"_

_"Shit like that doesn't happen to me," she insisted. I wanted to cry for her; for both of us._

_"Do you remember now?"_

_"Don't mess with me, Swan. Don't mindfuck the mindfucker. You don't have any hope of winning."_

_"It's not a game," I told her because it really wasn't._

-({})-

I blinked several times, frozen in the knowledge that the memory was false.

"Edward," I gasped, feeling his cock against my pussy.

"Shhh, I'm going to go slow," he said tenderly, cupping my abdomen with his hand.

"Don't you fucking dare!" I reached behind and fisted the base of his cock, pulling at him several times as he bucked in my hand. I strained to gain some height by standing on my toes and guided him into my entrance.

"Your...panties," he stammered.

"Rip them."

He snarled and growled and shredded my clothes, not just my underwear, biting into my dress at the collar and salivating venom down my neck. With my back bared to him, he started kissing and biting my skin roughly. So rough. I wanted him to be rougher. I wanted him to fuck me deeply and violently, to give me a memory I'd take with me always.

"Now, Edward, please!"

"We have all of the rest of forever, love." he gasped, trying to hold me against his mouth. "Please, let me worship you properly."

"No. Now, Edward. We don't have much time."

"We do, Bella, I swear..."

A sound pushed through my dead lungs that sounded like a primal scream. In a single motion, graceful as a diving bird, I spun and mounted him, pushing his body into the earth. I fucked him hard and fast, using a relentless pace, swallowing him into me and pushing him out of me, still screaming.

His face registered shock and a voracious lust, his lip raised in a snarl, baring his sharp teeth.

"This is not tender," I told him.

"Don't stop..." He arched into me, and I jack-hammered down, our thighs pounding and creating a thunderous sonic boom from the sheer speed and force.

"I'll always remember."

-({})-

Something was being torn from my throat; a plastic snake coiling out over my tongue. It was clearly an obstruction, but I felt like I had lost a limb after its removal.

My lips were dry and cracked, and I licked at them, gasping and shuddering, feeling hot and cold and despondent, all at once. It was so dark, but it wasn't until I started trying to blink that I realized my eyes were closed. Painfully, my heavy lids opened, shutting immediately thereafter. Blinding light burned my retinas.

"She's waking up." There were voices, not quite whispering in urgent tones. I couldn't tell one from another. The voices buzzed like bees flying about me, softly and then suddenly loudly, only to recede into whisper. Perhaps I still had to acclimate to my heightened, supernatural senses.

Again, I struggled to open my eyes slowly. They felt like they were gummed together with glue. I rubbed at them with my fists, feeling the gentle tug and burn of IV tubes feeding into my hand.

_How could they have a needle strong enough to pierce vampire skin? I must be in some sort of vampire hospital._

I wiggled my fingers, pleading silently to be freed. Piece by piece, doctors and nurses unhooked me from various monitors and machines. When I was freed from all bindings except a single saline drip, the bed was propped up, and so was I.

I was tethered and helpless before, but now I was a balloon loose in the wind. Nothing could ground me. Desperately, my eyes fleeted from person to person.

What was I doing here? Something must have gone terribly wrong. Maybe the transformation didn't take properly. I certainly didn't feel normal. Of course, I no longer had a bench mark with which to measure _normal_.

Nothing was familiar...

Everything was empty...

Vampires are hollow...

I could feel the entropy, my organs shrivelling up from lack of purpose. I was hard on the outside but utter waste on the inside.

"Can you speak, Isabella?"

I opened my mouth and gasped in some air, holding it for a moment in my lungs. Upon exhaling, I rasped out the word, "Yes."

"Do you know your name?" a doctor asked. I noticed his thick eyebrows sticking out from under his surgical cap. I concentrated on his eyebrows, grounding myself in place.

"Isabella Swan," I said automatically.

"Where are you, Isabella?"

"Um..." Where was I? I wasn't in Tacoma, because that wasn't real. I wasn't in Toronto because Renee sent me back to Forks. I should be with Edward. Why wasn't I with Edward?

"Forks?" I whispered fearfully. It wasn't an answer, it was another question.

"Where's Forks?" The doctor wasn't speaking to me; he was asking one of the nurses. She whispered something. I couldn't hear it. I should have been able to hear everything, since I was a vampire now.

"My throat is burning," I warned the humans.

"Yes, the tube will cause some irritation," Bushy Eyebrows explained.

"No. I'm thirsty. You're in danger."

"We just unplugged your IV from most of the drips, but you're still receiving water with a little sodium and sugar."

"I don't understand; why am I hooked up to an IV? Did something go wrong during the transformation? Are you friends of Carlisle's?" I tried to calm the note of hysteria in my voice. Being a vampire was all so new to me. It was hard to control my emotions.

"Calm, down, Isabella."

"Call me 'Bella,'" I pleaded. "Why do my eyes hurt so much?"

"There's no need to panic, Bella. Your eyes hurt because you've been sleeping for a long time."

"Asleep? I've been asleep?" Despite myself, I thought of Neo from the Matrix, as he was unplugged from the great machine. If the dream is a beautiful lie, and reality a horrific truth, isn't the lie preferable?

Neo made a mistake. There is truth to the idiom that ignorance is bliss.

"Plug me back in," I keened. There were no tears in my eyes, but I was sobbing.

"Mrs. Flanagan..."

The word cut off and echoed; a chorus of a thousand knives gutting me would have been less painful.

"No! I'm not Bella Flanagan, I'm Bella Swan!"

"Bella..." the nurse said softly.

"I know, she was hospitalized here with me, Flanagan was, and she died. I'm sorry, I really am, but I'm not her."

"She's imagining Swan again."

-({})-

**Chapter 43, Event Horizon: Flanagan's POV**

Dr. Shapiro dismissed Group early, all except for Swan and me.

"You're fucking nuts," I raged at the tiny girl, glaring at her while she chewed at her lip, "but he accuses _me_ of having a mental breakdown. Seriously, all I'm doing is repressing shit. I mean, I was fucking raped. Boo-hoo, yeah, I get it. I should get the fuck over it, already."

"Isabella," Dr. Shapiro snapped.

"But Swan over here sees vampires and werewolves and shit."

"Can I get you some water?" Swan asked in her sad little voice. As always, she was the perfect martyr. I glared at her without replying.

What the fuck did Edward and Jacob see in her in the first place? She was so utterly plain and boring. I fucking hated her.

I wanted to _be_ her.

"Stop staring at me!" I screamed, and to my astonishment, she curled herself into my lap and kissed my hair.

"Isabella," Dr. Shapiro said sharply. "Whom are you speaking to?"

I ignored him. "It didn't happen to me," I explained to Bella. "Shit like that doesn't happen to me."

"I know, Isabella. I've felt that way before too…" She started crying, and she was crying for both of us since I wasn't able to.

"Do you remember now?"

"Don't mess with me, Swan. Don't mindfuck the mindfucker. You don't have any hope of winning."

But fuck me, I was wrong. I was wrong because Swan had the fucking audacity to disappear completely in that moment. I was alone. I had been alone all along.

**Author's Note: Remember Flanagan? Yeah, she was in the story for a reason. One long ass chapter left and I promise it will be a good one, so don't lose hope! What are your thoughts on this turn of events? Expected? Slap in the face? Sharpening your pitchforks? **

**If we're still friends, I'm so thrilled to announce that BBS received a nomination in one of my favourite Awards: the Golden Lemons! Best Dirty Talk, and there's a link on my profile, aptly under the caption "Golden Showers" if you feel inclined to vote. I have author friends in the running too, including, but not limited to, Katinki and Mac214**

**Speaking of Mac214, the two of us are planning on writing a highly pervy and funny collab involving cake and porn. If you're interested in reading this story, make sure you have one or both of us on your author alert.**

**Fic rec: Twinned by Conversed, originally promoted on our podcast blog, Twificpimps. It's under my faves. Best. Jasper. Ever. **

**So, I passed a kidney stone this week, so please buzz me gently. I can take it.**


	51. Wild Things

**Author's Note: Last chapter, long ass note at the end. Thanks to betas jkane180 and Mac214. Pre-readers and cuddlers are wordslinger, katinki, hezpixie, altheajams and twicharmed.**

**Any excuse to quote Shakespeare:**

If we shadows have offended,  
Think but this, and all is mended,  
That you have but slumber'd here  
While these visions did appear.  
And this weak and idle theme,  
No more yielding but a dream,

-Act II Scene I of _A Midsummer Night's Dream_

I was so tired of telling Edward he wasn't real because, really, it wasn't the point at all. I didn't give a fuck if he was real or not; why did it matter when I could feel him, all warm and hard and wet, between my thighs? Why did it matter when his lips, reverent and impossibly hot, kissed and whispered both vows of fidelity and impassioned curses against my throat? Certainly, it didn't matter at all as he moved deep inside me, pushing further and harder into me, venturing deeper than he had ever allowed himself to go before...

Still, it wasn't hard or far _enough._

His body was a flurry of motion on top of me. For lack of a better word, he _pounded_ into me, all snarls and groans and teeth and tongue.

I screamed and tore at his chest with my hands, wanting to feel more, more, more-all of him inside me and through me.

"Harder," I howled. "Fuck me harder."

"Bella," he gasped, trying to keep me in place against the tree, but I was much stronger than him now, so much stronger, and I wanted him on his back. I wanted to push him into the earth while I fucked him hard with all of my newborn fury. I wanted him prone and vulnerable and yielding.

He needed to know that I wouldn't let him disappear. I had to fuck him until he was real. He was _mine. _No matter what was true, he was a part of me now; his venom would forever swim in my veins and nothing, no one could take that away from me.

"Lie down," I ground out, pushing him into the grass with the heel of my hand. The tree shook from the blunt force of his body crashing against the roots.

"Please," he begged, and for a moment I wondered if I actually hurt him. "I need to be inside you." His voice broke with want, and he kissed every part of me he could reach. Every kiss was a question I left unanswered. "Please..."

I roared my vampire roar and gnashed my vampire teeth, feeling very much out of context all of the sudden. "Be still," I whispered. Not only did Edward stop moving, the entire forest halted. I had somehow silenced the trees...

"..._and tamed them with the magic trick_," Edward said, and it was all so familiar.

The woods around us took on an ethereal quality, like an illustration from a frenetic storybook.

"You really are the wildest one of all."

Oh, I was inadvertently quoting _Where the Wild things Are_. Wait, what? Did he just read my mind?

"Yes, love," he said solemnly, walking his hand up my thigh and pausing just short of my clit. "You're quoting a children's book?"

Oh, yeah...I was. It was Ethan's favourite.

"So...you know," I sobbed. "You know this isn't..."

"Don't say it," he pleaded, threading his fingers through mine. "Please don't go."

I couldn't help but laugh as I answered, "I'll eat you up, I love you so."

-({})-

Darkness. The sounds died off and were replaced by the metronome of my heart. Except my heart should not have been keeping time at all. It had no time to keep; time being infinite for me now meant that I could stop measuring it.

I was dead, and my heart was an unpolished diamond.

"Are you awake?" A hand rubbed circles on my back, scorching my skin. The hand was sweltering-not right at all. I ached, every vexatious inch of me ached for the cool kiss of Edward's arctic skin. Hunching away from the offending caress, I sought blindly for a cool patch of bed.

"No. I'm asleep right now."

_Too hot._ Not right at all. My skin felt so positively ablaze against the damp sheets. Sweat seemed to ooze from every pore, but the smell was all wrong. Everything smelled sour, like I was bleeding poison.

"Open your eyes. Please, hon? We need you. Our kids-"

"I'm not..." My tongue stuck against my lip, and I licked at the inside of my cheeks, scraping the roof of my mouth with the rough taste buds; so much like sandpaper. Once again, language evaded me. "...Greg, I'm not her."

Burning. I was still burning on the inside. Obviously the transformation was not yet complete.

"No, Bella. You're still you."

Oh my fuck, that was the funniest thing I had heard since waking up. _Still me_. Who the fuck was that?

"Wait, did you just crack a smile?"

"No." The corners of my mouth tried to turn up, so I pouted to keep the grin at bay.

"This is most confounding, Bella. You're now giving me your cock-sucking face. Did you suck a lot of cock while you were in that coma?"

That was too much. A laugh exploded out of my throat. "You have no fucking idea. You, sir, have been cuckolded good and thoroughly."

"It cures what ails you." He raised his eyebrow and pointed to his dick.

"You should know that I'll probably kill you," I deadpanned.

"Yeah, but what a way to go." He had the audacity to undo his pants. Didn't he know how strong I was now?

"Stay back. I don't want to hurt you," I insisted, hissing like a cat, but the sound caught in my throat and morphed into a coughing fit. "I'm too thirsty."

"Let me get you some water, baby girl."

"I'm not your baby girl, Greg." My eyes hurt. Fuck, I needed to close them.

"Please stay awake for a little longer. Ethan really wants to see you."

"He's here?" I gasped.

-({})-

"Where did you go?" Edward asked, but only to draw me into a conversation. The question was futile.

Fuck. I knew the truth. How could I tell Edward? The truth had the potential to destroy him, quite literally. I had no fucking clue what to do, but of three things I was certain...

I was certain of the truth: it was a paradox.

I was certain of the paradox: the troubled, broken mind of Flanagan created the preternaturally lucid mind of Swan, but Flanagan needed Swan to understand the truth.

Ergo, I was certain: the vampire mind revealed the truth to her creator.

The truth had been within my grasp all along, but it was distorted. If my memory was a lake, then the truth was a fish skittering just beneath the surface. I could vaguely make out the shape and colour of the swimming creature, but could I trust what I was seeing?

Suddenly, I was breaking through the waves and submerging myself inside of the distortion. The fish was a lie. It wasn't a fish at all...

...or a Swan

...or a vampire.

It was a woman.

The woman who had invaded my mind. The woman who nearly died in the woods.

"Where, this time? Bella, love, speak to me?"

"You know," I sighed, smiling weakly. "You're too clever not to know. Besides, you were reading my mind."

"Yes... the ridiculous fish metaphor."

I punched his gut in response. It was unfair of him to judge my crappy metaphor. I couldn't control my thoughts.

"Ow, okay, sorry. I just thought Plato's cave would be more apt."

"Oh god, I'm having third year Philosophy Theory flashbacks."

"Bella Swan never went to university," Edward reminded me.

"Yeah, but, um, haven't you noticed? Dude, I'm obviously not canon."

Since he obviously was, he indulged me with an eye roll and said, "Tell me about the cave allegory."

"Was it Plato or Socrates?"

"Plato speaking about Socrates."

"Well, that's fucking clear as mud! Okay, I think Plato had this idea that mankind are prisoners of their own minds, seeing only shadows of reality upon a wall of a cave."

"Where's reality?" he pressed.

"Behind their backs - the sunlight streaming through the mouth of the cave."

"Turn around, Bella."

"Don't wanna," I pouted, but I did. The compulsion to know the full story would drive me mad, and I had worn blinders for far too long. I turned around, away from Edward, only to find myself immersed in mud. I gasped in a mouthful of water.

"Edward," I gurgled, but my voice couldn't reach him through the water. All sound evaded me then, but for the honking of a goose.

-({})-

(Excerpt from Chapter 22 - When Swans Cry)

_I froze at the sound of sloshing footsteps._

_"Hey, darling." A voice materialized from behind me. I pulled myself off the ground but got kicked back down onto my knees. "Get on all fours, pretty thing."_

_No fucking way. No fucking way was this asshole going to fuck with me._

_"What do you want?" I tried to speak calmly but had trouble controlling the hysterical timbre in my voice._

_"Ah, shit, baby. Don't be like that." He flashed something metal in my peripheral, and my hysteria was replaced with terrorized shock. My limbs went completely numb with fear, and my breathing quickened beyond my ability to catch up._

_I never thought I'd be the damsel in distress. I always imagined that if I was ever attacked, I would somehow be brave and kick ass. I knew the rules: never beg for one's life._

_"Please?" I begged._

_"Stand up." His voice was cold now._

_I stood, nearly tripping on my rubber legs. "What do you want?" My voice sounded like it was coming from someone else. Not me. This couldn't be happening to me._

_"Take your pants off."_

_"Please," I begged. This shit doesn't happen to me!_

-({})-

I was still submerged, but the water had become shallow. It was impossible to tell if I was breathing or not. It was impossible to tell the light of the moon from the dull incandescence of the search lights.

-({})-

(Excerpt from Chapter 32 - Small Gods)

_"That shit doesn't happen to me!"_

_"Baby, are you remembering?" Oh, god._

_"Greggy," I choked and buried my face into his shoulder, sobbing violently._

_"I know, baby girl. It's going to be okay."_

_"It won't. I can't...I'm sorry."_

_"Stay with me, Izzy." He grabbed my arms roughly, as if he was trying to keep me grounded in his world, but I shook my head._

_"I'm sorry," I repeated and disappeared again._

-({})-

I was awake. Fuck. I had never felt this awake in my life. The Zopiclone in my IV was my new reality, the truth that burned through my veins instead of venom, destroying my dreams.

"How long was I under?" I whispered, clutching Greg's hand.

"The first time? You were in a medically-induced coma while you healed from the attack," Dr. Shapiro explained warily, like he had told me the same piece of information many times before.

"And Bella Swan?"

"You've been seeing her since you emerged. Also every time we managed to wake you after..."

"After the suicide attempt." My head lowered into my palms. "I wasn't trying to die... Greg, please understand that I only wanted to get home."

"You didn't believe me, though. I tried to tell you who you are, and you didn't..." He pulled his hand away from me. I wanted to cry, out I wasn't sure if I could.

"I understand." I nodded. "The first time was the attack. I kept trying to stay in Tacoma, but it wasn't working..."

"Just dreams," Greg choked. "Fuck, Bella, I did my fucking best, but there's only so much I can take."

"Please," I begged. "Tell me what do I need to do to get better? I'll do anything..."

"Dreamless sleep," Dr. Shapiro had explained to us. "It's time we stop treating the post-traumatic stress so aggressively and work more on helping your wife deal with her reality distortions."

"I'm in the room, asshole," I reminded him demurely.

Greg cracked a smile before exhaling a frustrated breath. "I don't know what to believe... not when your previous treatments have been so erroneous."

But despite our collective incredulity, the drug achieved the desired effect: I no longer had any waking delusions or lucid dreams of Edward, and slowly, I was weaned off of the anti-psychotics.

In fact, after two solid weeks of treatment, the raging inferno of venom I imagined had infected my bloodstream was almost completely doused. I felt nothing but a dull heat. Actually, I really didn't feel much of anything at all.

Perception is subject to interpretation though. I mean, I thought I was gaining an acceptable level of sanity, but after fifteen dreamless nights, Greg nearly broke his fist in the concrete hospital wall. "I'm taking you home. This is bullshit!"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"This," he gesticulated wildly. "Crazy Bella was better than this bullshit. I'd rather you thought you were a vampire than see you turn into a zombie."

I smirked and did my best zombie saunter. "I'm coming to get you, Barbara."

"Yeah, that would be funny if you didn't already sound half-dead."

"Well, what do you suggest?" I jumped out of the bed and launched myself at him, intending to throw punches, but instead I found myself cuddling his head against my breast as he sobbed like a child. He had no fucking clue either.

I wanted to punch him in the tit for being a pansy, but I actually loved the motherfucker beyond reason.

-({})-

A week later I decided to become a Christian. No... not really.

Greg and I were chewing Nicorette like that shit was ambrosia, slowly accumulating a disgusting ball of chewed gum. Our love ball, we joked. We named him Alan, and he sat beside my bed; I fucking double dog dared the cleaners to mess with my Alan love ball.

"I've had too much time to think about ridiculous things. An idle mind truly is an instrument of the devil." Alan Ball would be exhibit the first.

"That's idle hands," Greg said like a smug piece of shit, "and if you'd like something to busy them with, may I recommend you fist my cock?"

"Fuck off."

"Well, it's not like you'll be opening your mimsy up for business anytime soon."

_Did he really just say mimsy?_

"I'm trying to have a serious conversation here, asshole. Do you think I'm being punished?"

"Punished by who?"

"I dunno… God?"

He laughed, making light of my half-assed religious epiphany. "You don't believe in God."

"Maybe this is like a wake-up call or some shit...like from GOD." Fuck, I was becoming a zealot. I'd have to move into a compound in Utah and have sister-wives if I kept that shit up.

"You think you were attacked because of God? If an all-powerful being wanted you dead, you'd be dead. God doesn't beat around the bush, babe; he burns it."

"Well, maybe he didn't want me dead. Maybe he wanted to punish me."

"God doesn't punish people."

"You're such a lapsed Catholic that it's not even funny. I've corrupted your soul."

"Nah, my soul belongs to Nintendo. You've only claimed my virtue."

"Yeah, I _am_ a dirty whore." I smirked.

"The Devil punishes mankind, not God. It's all in The Bible, which you'd know if you ever bothered to read it."

"Why would I read it? It's ridiculously old… and there aren't any vampires in it."

"Totally debatable."

"What is the point of this conversation?"

"You started it," he reminded me.

"Oh, right. I want to go home. I've had too much empty time to fill with nonsense, and I'm over it."

"Not like this."

"Fuck you!" _Piece of shit motherfucker._

"Bella… I really think that—"

"Fuck you, you piece of shit!" _cunting fucknard._

"Let me speak?" he pleaded.

"So you can tell me I'm fucking nuts?"

"Nah, you were totally nuts before. Now you're a zombie. I want my crazy girl back."

"Guh?"

"Quit taking those dream catcher drugs."

"But… the dreams, Greg. I can't always wake up."

"Take back your dreams. Whatever dreams may come, we'll deal with."

"But… but what if I forget who I am?"

"I'll never let that happen, baby girl."

-({})-

Ethan looked so cuddly in his blue Spiderman pyjamas. I pulled him into my lap and inhaled the baby powder scent of his shampoo. Audrey rocked petulantly in the glider. I used to nurse Ethan in that chair when he was an infant.

"Wild Things!" he yelled and continued on with a grand babble, speaking the secret language of gibberish only four-year-olds could properly articulate.

"Harry Potter," Audrey grumbled, pulling her blond hair away from her eyes.

"It seems we're at a stalemate."

"I'm older," Audrey reminded me.

"Yeah, but, sweetie, if I read that book one more time, I swear I'll go crazy."

"Too late! You're way too old to wake up as Hermione." Audrey was so much like me that it was terrifying.

"You're kind of evil," I giggled. "Definitely demon spawn. I should have named you Nessie."

"That's a stupid name," Ethan reminded me.

"What about Narnia?" Audrey was smirking. There was a joke in her suggestion that made me wonder how the hell she could be so smart for such a little girl. "Nah, never mind. Read him the stupid book. He's just a baby anyway."

"I'm a big boy!" he yelled.

"Stop it, guys. Come here, little man." Ethan scooted back into my lap and seemed to fight against the urge to suck his thumb while I opened the book.

"_The night Max wore his wolf suit and made mischief of one kind and another." _I stifled a yawn, absently rubbing the scar across my stomach. My mind was desperately trying to find its way back to Edward, but I fought to stay afloat. If I concentrated, I was able to keep myself grounded in the present time. _Soon_, I promised him.

"_That very night in Max's room a forest grew and grew- and an ocean tumbled by with a private boat for Max and he sailed off through night and day, and in and out of weeks and almost over a year to where the wild things are."_

"I wish I could be king of the Wild Things," Ethan said thoughtfully.

"You can, baby. Max is a ruler in his own mind."

"The Wild Things aren't real, and Max is psychotic," Audrey added helpfully.

"You're too young to be so pragmatic." I swatted at her feet from my spot on the floor. "Now, shut up and listen to the story." I pulled Ethan closer, breathing in his familiar scent slowly and carefully. It wasn't time to sleep yet. "_Max said BE STILL and tamed them with the magic trick of staring into all their yellow eyes without blinking once. And they were frightened and called him the most wild thing of all."_

"Mumma?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"Why doesn't Max stay with the Wild Things?"

"He misses his mother," I explained. "He wants to go home where he's loved best of all."

"Mumma?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"Please don't go. I love you best of all."

So, I never read _The Bible_, but I did remember the line "and a little child shall lead them."

Real tears finally escaped my eyes. I held my babies and promised them that I loved them best too.

-({})-

Our bed was the nicest place on earth. There was a groove in the pillow top mattress we had worn in over the years that fit the curve of my back like a glove. I snuggled into my little groove, and felt Greg cuddle against my back.

"Say hi to your gay vampire lover for me," Greg whispered and kissed the back of my neck. He was unapologetically dressed in a Team Jacob t-shirt and X-Men boxers. I was a lucky fucking woman.

"Shut the fuck up." I yawned and absently reached behind me to palm his balls. His cock popped through the slit in his shorts and bounced shamelessly off my arm.

"I'm holding out," he moped, but didn't try to move my hand.

"C'mon. It cures what ails you..."

"What about your _Edward _and his amazing sparkling sphincter? He's waiting for you."

Marriage was all about fitting into grooves. Even my ass had a perfect groove that was made just for Greg. He rubbed his dick down while my cheeks cradled it. _Just a little further_. My hips rotated and my butt lifted as I desperately tried to pull him into my sweet spot.

"I want the dick," I pouted.

"You're such a dirty slut." He groaned and buried himself into me, mumbling that he loved me and also cared a great deal for my pussy.

"Harder," I pleaded.

"Gentler, baby girl." His hands reached around and stroked my breasts in only the way he knew how to do. "I'm going to take my time fucking my sweet girl."

"Dude, no need to get all feathery strokery on me."

"Big need. Poor Eddie is going to find you annoyingly spent when he sees you tonight."

Yeah, I totally saw Edward every night when I fell asleep.

"I love you," I whispered after I came, and my eye lids had become heavy with exhaustion. Behind my lids, Edward's golden eyes greeted me, sparkling along with the rest of his skin.

The dream was always the same, but I understood this distortion perfectly. I wasn't swimming blindly underwater. No, I was no longer a salmon struggling against the current, trying to escape the inevitable. I was no longer the woman dying in the swamp, or the young vampire in the bathtub.

My dreams were perfectly lucid.

The difference was, now I knew which Bella was dreaming.

Shit and fuck and stuff - The End

-({})-({})-({})-({})-({})-({})-({})-({})-({})-({})-

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for reading! There are so many readers and writers I'd love to thank, but I can't do it without forgetting someone so I'm keeping my list short. Jkane180 and wordslinger are my other thirds and I can't do shit without them. I love you twats. Katinki and mac214 for being awesome writers and providing lots of prereading and beta help. I'm in awe of your talent. Feathers_mmmm for being genuinely an awesome person and recommending the fics of smaller authors such as myself to her rabid audience of Chicken bangers.**

**Sorry, there are a million more fandom friends whom I love and stalk, but this isn't an Oscar speech and the band is playing me off the stage anyway.**

**Stigmata Tomato is my current multi-chapter fic. Please give it a shot, if you didn't hate this ending! I'm also writing a collab called Sweet Tooth with Mac214.**

**The genesis of BBS… This is not really a funny story, but I feel like sharing it with everyone who took the time to wade through my mind fuck. I've never given a straight answer about where I got the idea for BBS from. The reason is, the idea came from a very personal and upsetting experience. In May of 2009, I suffered an early pregnancy miscarriage and fell into a depression. I understand that this experience certainly isn't unique to me, but it felt like my world had ended. One night, I had a dream that I was inexplicably transformed into a character from the television show House (unf at Hugh Laurie). Tried as I might, I couldn't manage to convince Dr. House and his team that their universe wasn't real. As the dream progressed, I started to doubt that I was real. When I woke up, I found myself confused for about ten seconds, and strangely disappointed to be back in my own skin.  
I'm honestly not really a crazy bitch in real life, but the dream haunted me for months. After a couple of months in the fandom, I wrote an outline for a fanfic that I was terrified to post because it was all kinds of messed up. The response to this fic really shocked the fuck out of me and I can't possibly articulate how thrilling the experience of writing BBS was.  
So you just read the entire thing and still have no idea what you read? Don't worry. It was the dream of a troubled woman who reads too much Twilight. She's a mom; she tells inappropriate jokes; she thinks Edward is a twat for leaving Bella, but she wants to fuck him anyway; she thinks Jacob is a douche for trying to be with Bella when he could leave her at any time for an imprint; Oh, and she really loves her iPhone.  
Isabella Flanagan is me. Thanks for reading!**

**One last review?**


	52. Jess' outtake

**This is only an outtake. Happy Birthday to my beta Jess! Here's an Emmett outtake. Thanks to mac214 for beta'ing.**

My pants clung precariously to my awesome ass. The double-sided tape probably wouldn't hold my jeans to the X of my Calvin briefs for much longer, but I didn't really give a fuck. This look was hot. From the walk through the parking lot to the hospital entrance, all the chicks gawked at me; they were warm for my form, salivating like feral dogs desperate to chomp at my bit.

I winked at an old chick, and she horked out a phlegm-infused shriek.

Oh.

I'd accidentally popped a hot dog stand.

Whatever. She loved what she saw: uncut, gargantuan, McCarty cock.

_Oh, yeah. You like that shit, don't you?_

Yeah, she wanted it. I could tell by the way she clutched at her chest and gasped for air.

"Emmett!"

"Wut?" I muttered distractedly.

Huh. She was turning blue. Humans weren't supposed to be blue, were they?

"Emmett! Over here!" A ridiculously large belt buckle momentarily blinded me. _Well, shit._ The last motherfucker on earth I expected to be at the hospital was sitting in front of the urgent care entrance, pretending to smoke a cigarette.

"'Sup, homeslice." I swaggered over to him.

"Your dick's hanging out," Jasper deadpanned.

"Yeah, totally," I agreed, looking down. "What time is it?"

"I'm not certain. Why don't you lie down and cast a shadow to find out."

"Everyone's a fucking joker."

He narrowed his eyes and pulled a cloud of smoke into his mouth while I stuffed my gun back into its holster, accidentally cocking it a little with my enthusiasm.

"Wait, did Bella call you too?"

Jasper shook his head and said, "Alice told me I needed to get out of the house but wouldn't explain why. Probably _something _to do with Bella, though."

"Is she as crazy as Carlisle says? I heard a rumour she flicked her bean in front of Eddie-boy." To be a fly on that wall . . .

"I will neither confirm nor deny that rumour." Jasper smirked, taking quick, shallow pulls off his smoke like a deranged pansy. "I'm here on an undercover mission. Did you know schizophrenics all smoke the same way?"

"Shut the fuck up." I punched him in the dick to get his attention. "What happened, man?"

Jasper lurched forward in pain, dropping the cigarette onto the pavement. "Bella . . . Flanagan. I don't fucking know!"

"If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't be in this mess," I snapped, stepping on the still-burning butt. "Dude, you don't try to eat another man's mate. That shit ain't right."

"Fuck! The guilt is bad enough from Underthebedward. Now you're starting with me?"

I snickered at the Underthebedward crack and pounded my fist into Jasper's ass with the brute force of a gorilla - well, a vampiric gorilla because I was way stronger than an ape. "I own that ass, bitch. Too bad your pants are on."

"You know what I think?" Jasper asked suddenly, grabbing my wrist.

"I'm not browning my hot dog on your chocolate starfish, so don't even think about it, Pretty Lips."

Jasper scowled. "Nah, man. Alice is making me put a stop to that shit."

Well, fuck. My dick was fully erect now, and Pretty Lips had no intention of helping me out? Bitch, that was cold. "Bitch, that's cold."

"Sorry." But Jasper didn't look fucking sorry. "I bet Bella would be game - that is, if you catch her on the right day." The motherfucker had the audacity to laugh at the prospect of my banging her. So wasn't gonna happen. Bella was a sick cookie, and Edward would cut off my balls and hang them from his rearview mirror if I tried to touch her.

"Right . . . we'll just fuck while Eddie watches from under the bed." I palmed my junk. "Guess it'll be Palmella taking care of my business. Shit, I need to bust a nut."

"Um, pardon me for stating the obvious, but what about Rosalie? Have you thought about, I don't know, making love to your wife?"

"Bitch is on the rag."

Jasper's eyebrows shot up at that.

"The proverbial rag," I clarified. "If it was the bloody kind, I'd be licking that shit up like Christmas morning."

"Flanagan's not here, anyway," Jasper said suddenly. "Carlisle had to drag Edward home before he tore the hospital apart. The situation is beyond fucked up."

"The fuck? Carlisle managed to get his ass home? Bella asked me to do the same damn thing."

"He became unhinged after she took off, totally in the Flanagan personality."

"Well, shit. She's missing?" I craned my neck to give the grounds a cursory scan. "Crazy bitch couldn't have gotten _that_ far on her own."

"Probably not, no. Carlisle suspects she ran away with another patient, whereas Edward is convinced she ran off with the dog."

"That sucks. Lover-boy will be waxing all emo again. Dude, if I have to listen to him threaten to beg the Volturi kill him again, I swear, I'll put him out of his misery myself."

"Yeah, well, that's not all. Alice said Bella's future disappeared."

"What does that even mean?" I was only half-listening now. A curly-haired brunette had emerged out of the front of the building, all perky tits and pouty lips.

"Why am I always expected to translate Alice's cryptic messages?" He sighed languidly, practically swooning.

"Chillax, prom queen. No need to get your Mason Dixon all bent out of shape."

"For sweet Baby Jesus' sake: I'm Texan, not Virginian."

"You're a girl." I dug another Virginia Slim out of his pocket and lit the fucker. "See that hot little number by the curb?" I asked, pointing to Perky Tits.

"Yeah?"

"Use your Jedi Mind Tricks to make her panties wet. I think I'm in the mood for some pink." I flicked his pretty mouth with my thumb and index finger and placed the smoke between his lips.

"You're sick, man."

I flipped him the bird and stuck my hands down the front of my pants. "Don't be jealous. You know I'd ride you like a bitch if Alice wasn't using your dick as a leash for your balls."

Jasper yelled a string of southern obscenities at me - something about grits and yankees, with another mention of sweet Baby Jesus. Fuck if I cared. I had my eyes on the prize - well, the prizes to be exact. Perky Tits was cutting glass; the poor thing must've been cold.

I swaggered down the lawn and over to the curb where she sat, taking slow, long, sexy steps and making sure my shirt lifted enough so she could check out the washboards. Problem was, she wasn't looking at me at all. She seemed to be looking down at her shirt. I couldn't really blame her. If I was her, I'd be staring at my titties too.

I could hear Jasper laughing about something, and that sweet, young thing squirmed a little, jiggling her jugs just right. She licked her lower lip and took a slow sip from a Styrofoam cup.

"Excuse me," I growled into ear, peering down her V-neck sweater and enjoying the view.

"Fuck!" She jumped up in surprise, spilling the coffee down the front of her shirt. The rack I'd been admiring was soaking wet. "Ow, shit."

"Was that hot?"

"Yeah, it's coffee. Of course it's hot." She rolled her eyes and fisted the front of her sweater into a ball, trying to hold it away from her chest.

"I have a spare shirt in my car . . . it'll be big because I'm a massive beast of a man, but at least the ladies will be dry."

Finally, Soggy Tits looked at me, her eyes widening in surprise. "O-okay. Sure, I guess. Whatever."

"I'm Emmett." I offered her my hand, pulling her onto her feet.

"Jessica."

"Are you a patient here, Jessica?" I flexed my pecs to the beat of _Bad Romance _and wiped a bead of drool that had formed on the corner of little Jessica's mouth.

"I have discharge . . . shit, I mean, I was discharged. I'm here for a blow job. Fuck me, no, I mean an appointment. A follow-up boning."

"Boning?" I grinned, showing off the dimples. All chicks dug the dimples.

"Cock."

"Um . . . yes?" _What the fuck, man? _I saw Jasper, still sitting by the front entrance, laughing hysterically. He needed to turn that shit down. Poor Perky Tits was about to explode, and I hadn't even touched her yet.

"I keep saying the wrong thing," she whimpered, hiding her face in her hands.

"Nah, Jess. I think you're adorable." I lifted her into my arms, and she glommed onto me, wrapping her arms around my neck and her legs around my hips. "You certainly are friendly."

"Not usually," she muttered into my shoulder. "I don't know what's come over me."

"Don't worry about it, kitten. I'm gonna take care of you." I carried that hot piece of ass back to my Jeep Wrangler, trying not to come in my pants while she wriggled against me, mewling into my neck.

"Please," she moaned, and I opened the door to my Jeep.

"Please what, Sugar Tits?"

"Please, fuck me."

"Yeah, baby. You want my big vampire cock inside your little pussy?"

"Vampire cock?" Her eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"Ah, shit."

"Are you a patient here, Emmett?"

"Um . . . yeah. I'm delusional or whatever. I think I'm a vampire."

"Fuck me, Damon." She lifted her wet shirt over her head, and I was momentarily blinded by her headlights.

"Wait, who the fuck is Damon?"

"From the _Vampire Diaries_," she explained and grabbed my cock, pulling me with her into the back seat.

"Fuck." I bucked into her hands, trying to be as careful as possible with her fragile, human hand. I didn't want to break her wrist with my dick. Hey, it had happened before with another human chick.

"Damon," she moaned.

"Emmett," I corrected.

"No, Damon, my name's Jess."

"Jess," I agreed, unbuttoning her jeans.

"You're so fucking hot. Like a Calvin Klein model." She shimmied her pants down her legs, taking her tiny panties with them.

"I know, right?" I smirked. "I'm way hotter than any of those assholes on the billboards."

"Shut up and fuck me, Damon."

I held her hips in place while she arched off the seat, trying to sheathe my missile in her silo. I just needed a second to handle my shit. If I plunged in right away, I'd blow.

Bending her legs up gently, I placed cool, open-mouthed kisses along her calf, her knee, the inside of her thigh, stopping just shy of her bare pussy lips. She smelled so fresh . . . so young.

"Please," she begged. "I can't take it."

It took me a second to notice she was using her legs to push my face into her cunt. I gladly obliged, talking a long lick of her entire slit before settling onto her love button, my nose pressing into her pubic bone. She tasted like blood and sex - my two favourite things - all sweet and musky at the same time.

I wanted to plunge my fingers inside of her pink, but they were probably too cold. Any appendage I inserted into her love canal had to be warmed up properly so she wouldn't suffer from muscle spasms.

"Suck my cock, kitten. It needs to be heated up." I _was _a gentleman, after all.

"Oh, god, Damon. I was hoping you'd let me do that."

I had to admit, the Damon thing was starting to grind my gears a bit, but as I watched her flip onto her stomach and crawl between my legs, I realized she could call me _Sally_ for all I cared.

"Your dick's hanging out," Jess told me.

"It gets so lonely in my pants."

"Poor thing." She wrapped her hand around my meat, while I kicked my pants off.

"Yeah, that's right, kitten. You love that shit, don't you?"

She parted her pouters and drew my dick into her mouth like it was a fucking lollipop, humming in response to my question - hence the term _hummer_. It took all my will power not to skull fuck her as I held her face in my hands. Her mouth was hot heaven, sucking and licking down my shaft, only to pull it back over her tongue again. Kitten took her time, rolling and tickling my balls in her hand, licking the underside of my head and gently biting along the glans.

"That's enough, kitten," I told her, pulling her head back.

"But I'm not done," she pouted.

"No you're not," I agreed, pulling her onto my lap. "Sit on it, Jess. I want to pound you until you scream. I want to show you that once you go sparkly, you never go back."

Thank fuck she didn't question the_ sparkly _quip. She was too busy positioning her muff on my cornholer. Her slit was like warm, honey pie against my banger. I buried myself inside of her easily, holding her hips so I could piston her.

"Wait . . . let me." Jessica proceeded to bounce up and down on my jimmy like it was a goddamn pogo stick.

"Aw, shit, prom queen. I'm gonna blow."

"Just a little more, Damon."

_I really fucking hate that name!_

I held onto her luscious boobies, rolling her nipples between my fingers while she showed her rhythm, pulling me inside of her as deeply as she could, twisting her body to angle my rod where she liked it best. "Right there," she groaned. "Oh, fuck, yeah, I'm coming!"

Her cunt contracted around me, strangling my dick like it was pissed off at it.

"Fuck, yeah, kitten. Hold still while I toss my yogurt."

"Emmett!" a voice - not Jessica's - yelled from outside the Jeep.

"Huh?"

"His name's Damon," Jessica called over my shoulder, dismounting.

"Open the door, asshole!" Aw, shit. It was Flanagan.

"I'm not finished," I moaned. "Get lost."

"I'm sorry, tiger," Jessica said suddenly. "I don't make the rules. This is Flanagan's dream."

"That's right, bitch," Flanagan said, curling up against Jess. "And Simon says it's my turn to play with the kitten." She stroked her hair, whispering into her ear, "Want to try something different? Emmett can watch."

"Where's Edward?" I asked cautiously.

Flanagan rolled her eyes at me and said, "Under the fucking car. Where else?"

**A/N Just a bit of fun! Thanks so much for reading, and if you'd like other outtakes posted at some point, please let me know :)**

**My current fics are Stigmata Tomato and In the Shadow of Your Heart. **

**Happy Birthday, Jess!**

**Big Love! Flanny xoxo**


	53. Outtake for Gisela

**A/N This was my outtake for fandom for TwifanG, a fandom friend who lost her life at Comicon this past summer. Alternate ending. Beta'd by mac.  
**

My bed is block of ice. There is no warmth here, no soft crevice into which I can curl. Yes, something is missing. Something that should be tangible taunts—an idea floats just below the surface of my subconscious.

"Help," I might say; I don't know if It's audible.

So cold ... why can't I speak?

And panic charges through my veins like electricity or maybe a sanguineous rampaging bull. My blood vessels are rabid, and my chest tightens, my back arching off the surface on which I lay. Panic, cold and electric, keeps my heart racing, rattling in the the cage of my ribs.

Inhale and exhale. Just keep breathing.

But it's not right. I can't breathe. My mouth opens, and I need to communicate my situation, even though I don't understand it myself.

"Can't breathe," I might say.

No one replies.

Maybe I didn't speak, or maybe I'm alone. I'm not sure.

My tongue is metallic—and still, a distant memory continues to taunt, all shrouded in fog and blood. It dissipates when my mind tries to touch it. It billows and rolls like smoke, and I want to inhale. I taste it, all metal on metal ... why is my tongue made of metal? Is it a robot tongue? Am I a cyborg?

I'm turning and churning and becoming something I don't recognize.

My foreign tongue won't form the right sounds against the roof of my mouth. It slides like steel; I can't control it.

So I scream and scream and scream until a needle punches my skin.

No, I'm not a robot; I'm a snow woman, frozen. The needle is an icicle in my vein, and fluid like liquid nitrogen pours through the tributaries of my body, branding me in ice.

"Bella," an anxious voice says. A hand—colder still—encircles my arm.

"Help me. I can't breathe."

The voice chuckles like an douche. "You can breathe, love."

"No, I can't, motherfucker!" I insist.

"You can speak. If you couldn't breathe, you wouldn't be able to speak. And your heart rate is a calm eighty-four beats per minute."

My lids part like they'd been glued together and reveal the speaker's face. The cold of his hand transforms into fire. I'm burning, melting, and oh god, I want to burn in him.

I want him to consume me in every way, but I don't tell him this.

"Where am I?" my voice croaks like a frog.

"Hospital."

I want to lift my head, but it's an iron ball.

"Edward?" My voice raises an octave.

"Bella," he replies, his lip curling in an awkward grin.

Screams and screams and screams. They're coming from me; I know this even though I can't feel them tear out of me.

I'm her again.

She's me.

I'm sucked back through the vortex, an unwilling Alice in Wonderland raped by the white rabbit.

Let's see how deep the hole goes this time.

({})

"I thought we'd been through all this before. I'm not her."

Golden eyes— - three pairs of them— - stare at me in the dim room, having the audacity to look Stephenie-Meyer-vampire-canon against the pale sheen of the faces they are attached to.

"Bella," Edward says, his voice pinched in pain, "please believe us."

"No. Dude, I'm not trying to be a cunt here, but I'm not Bella Swan. My name's Isabella Flanagan, I'm married, and Canadian. Stop fucking with my mind." I manage to sit up on the bed and point. "You guys don't exist, like at all. I'm essentially arguing with myself."

Carlisle smiles, his face a picture of patience. I wonder if he makes the same face while he's tongue-fucking Esme.

I have no clue why I just thought that. I don't really want to picture him in the throes.

"I assure you, Bella, we're as real as you." Carlisle smiles, teeth glistening in the fluorescence. Alice hands him a penlight, and he shines it in my face.

"Truefax." I'm not real, either.

"Do you remember why you're here?" he continues, shining that goddamn light directly into my pupil.

"Do you remember the last time you gave Esme head? It's a little off-topic, I know, but I'm all kinds of curious."

He sputters and glares before finally declaring it's none of my business.

"He did it yesterday," Alice supplies.

"That's highly inappropriate, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't use your gifts to spy on the family."

"Oh, pooh. Don't be such a prude. And it's not like I have any choice in the matter. Every time anyone in the house gets amorous Jasper absorbs the ambient lust like some sort of sex sponge. And then he directs it at me. And then Edward is forced to experience it through our minds. See? Psychic, empath, mind-reader—it's a vicious cycle, really."

I really like this Alice. She's so non-canon in a canonesque kind of way. "I'm really turned on right now."

Edward groans, shifting in his chair like he has to take a dump.

-({})-

"We've been through this before." I pout, chewing my lip as if it's a particularly tough piece of steak.

"We haven't," Edward assures me. "Please, Bella, I have so much regret. I've a been a fool."

"No doubt!" I snort, unbuttoning my hospital gown. "It's not your fault, buddy. Stephenie Meyer wrote you like an emo douchebag. I suppose it's part of your appeal. Although for reasons I'll never understand, you're sometimes portrayed as a wealthy CEO in fanfiction who's into sado masochistic sex."

"That's preposterous."

"I certainly thought so. But the unwashed masses seem to dig it."

"What exactly are we talking about here, Bella?"

Nothing. I'm lost in a tangent.

"And who is Stephenie Meyer?"

"God, kinda sorta. She created you and Bella. Not me, though. Unless Swan created me. Then I suppose Meyer would've been my creator too. Except, if Swan's real, then I'm not and neither is Meyer."

"I'm confused," he said, and I grabbed his hand before he could pinch the bridge of his nose.

"I'm sorry, Edward. My psychotic episode must be very confounding for _you._"

"Do I detect sarcasm, Bella?"

"Not very well, Edward."

-({})-

I'm in group, sitting with my fucked-up peers, and it's deja vous all over again as I recount the story of the pink elephant.

What's my point? Reality is subjective. The other patients don't really exist except as manifestations of my subconscious.

But try telling them that shit, and they freak the fuck out. No one likes to be told they're not real. It's a blow.

People have big egos or whatever.

And now I'm starting to wonder if I'm real at all. I've pink elephanted myself.

_Motherofallfuck!_

-({})-

Sometimes I feel like I'm under water, like I can hear voices calling to me from the surface, but I can't reach them. I've developed gills and can no longer breathe.

_Just keep swimming, just keep swimming._

My story was supposed to be over; why am I here again?

Why can't I wake up?

I'm not sure I want to.

And now I'm thinking about _Finding Nemo_—my son's favourite movie—and I want to cry.

But I don't. I keep my eyes close and just float in the calm of the unknown. The silence.

-({})-

Golden eyes stare at me from under the bed.

"Hey," I say.

"Hello," they reply. Well, the voice isn't actually coming through the eyes, but there's something vaguely Cheshire Cat about the way they glow.

"Whatcha doing, Edward?"

"Waiting."

"For what?"

"You, Bella. Always you."

"That's not weird at all."

"I apologize. Does this make you uncomfortable?"

"A little...I mean, it's strange."

"I apologize."

"You're so proper and fucking contrite. Sometimes I wish you'd be more real … less two-dimensional."

"I am real."

"Liar," I say and crawl under the bed to join him. Real or not, I want him wrapped around me. I want to disappear within him.

-({})-

Sometimes I think life would be easier if I became Bella Swan.

-({})-

There's a far off room at the end of this hall. I'm afraid to venture in, knowing what I'll see in the bed. But still, I peek inside, blonde hair falling against a pale, bruised face.

It's her … me. Flanagan. I'm looking at myself as if through another dimension. It makes no sense but few things do in this universe.

But I'm fixated, staring at all the medical equipment she's (I'm) tethered to.

I'm still broken. Hadn't I healed?

"Who is she?" Edward whispers, placing a hand on my shoulder, cool breath tickling my ear.

"The truth," I reply. I want to turn around, but he places his hands on my hips and pulls me flush against him. Hard, so hard against my soft. I imagine I can feel every part of his body, a distinctive bulge against my butt.

"There's only one truth," he counters, pushing against my behind.

"Your cock? I mean, it's nice, but it's hardly the meaning of life. The number 42. Jesus or Santa Clause."

"I beg to differ."

"You don't have to beg."

I reach behind me.

-({})-

The mirror is cracked, the fissure in my reflection apt. The pieces don't match, and if God is jamming a metaphor down my throat I'm gagging on it.

The blue of my eyes transforms in the glass, brown ink spilling over the iris. Now the voices at the surface of my mind can barely be heard.

Who am I?

"Do you remember nothing?" Edward asks. I turn, watching how the sunlight dances on the prism of his body, light refracting into its spectrum.

"I remember. Those are pearls that are his eyes."

He smiles, but it's sad. "You're quoting T.S. Eliot."

"I remember T.S. Eliot."

"Do you remember me?"

"Yeah. But I'm not sure how much of it was written by someone else."

My reply makes no sense.

"I can't live in a world where you don't exist," he says.

"I know. I'm not sure how long I can stay this time."

"No measure of time-"

I cover his mouth. The line was written by someone else; I don't want to hear it.

"There are forces beyond my control here."

"Please," he begs.

I look into his eyes and think about how the universe is bottomless. I can see forever. Unfathomable.

So I make a decision that I'm not sure I can unmake: if I'm at the bottom of the rabbit hole, I won't claw my way up to the surface.

This time.


End file.
